


Another Life

by Gigimadz



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Flash Forward, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Multi, Older Characters, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 95,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24108142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gigimadz/pseuds/Gigimadz
Summary: It’s been 10 years since the Pogues graduated high school and went their separate ways. Pope following his dream to become a coroner, went to the University of Colorado, and never looked back. John B and JJ never left the Outer Banks. They stayed locals, and never left each other's side. Kiara aka Kie left to join the Peace Corps, her dreams of changing the world becoming a reality. She never thought she’d come back, not after everything. But when her dad gets sick, she buys the first ticket home. Pogue life is harder to shake than she thought. Or maybe if she's being honest she never really wanted to shake it.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara & John B. Routledge, Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks), Sarah Cameron & JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, Sarah Cameron/John B. Routledge
Comments: 59
Kudos: 152





	1. The Beginning

There it is, the house I spent so many hours in. The house that felt more like home than my own. Except now it looks…. clean, mature, lived in?. The house is a light yellow, with white trim. The railing I fell off, after being dared to run down it now has plants lining it. Bright flowers are planted in a built-in flower pot leading up the ramp. The windows are still cracked, and instead of being able to see through Curtains cover them. I crane my neck to see if I can see the back porch that we spent all of our time on, but I can’t. The lawn is clean, even the hedges are trimmed. The chateau that use to have beer cans littered across the front and back lawn, has garden gnome and other garden ordainments, it feels foreign. I see the branches of our tree over the top of the house, it makes me smile, a warm feeling spreading over me. I turn back my eyes catching on the front, which has a welcome mat, and a big sign that I can’t seem to read from here. I lean forward, to see what the sign door says, and I push against the horn. The honk is so loud it makes me spring back in my seat, my ears ringing. My heart is beating so loudly it’s the only thing I can focus on. I shake away the shock and quickly peel back out of the driveway. I do not need to be seen sneaking around the Chateau not after not being in touch with anyone in the Outer Banks for ten years. I don’t turn back too afraid to see if I’ve been caught, too embarrassed actually. I drive over the bridge into figure eight, home sweet home.  
…  
I stand my backpack in hand at my front door. I haven’t been home in ten years, and now that I am I feel like a stranger. I guess I’ve always felt like a stranger in my house. Never fully understood, not unless I was with them. The Pogues. I pull the strap of my backpack up higher on my shoulder, and take a deep breath. I reach forward and knock on the wide wooden door. I step back carefully of the Welcome In matt that looks more like a fancy carpet. Mom opens the door, her eyes widen and a smile bursts on her face.  
“Kiara” She cheers before pulling me into a tight hug. I nestle into the crook of her neck. She smells the same, her flowery perfume still permeates the air around her. She pulls back inspecting my face, with teary eyes. She looks older than I remember, the wrinkles by her eyes are deeper now.  
“Mom” I smile, she caresses my cheek, sniffling.  
“Come in” She urges, stepping inside. I step in carefully, resisting the urge to bolt again.  
“You look the same” She quips as she starts walking. I follow along my eyes shocked at how similar everything is. My childhood home hasn’t changed, even the flowers that litter the coffee tables are the same as I remember.  
“So does this place,” I tell her, she laughs, but it sounds hard and awkward.  
“You know your dad” She says, and I stiffen. I can feel her eyes on me as I move towards the bookcase. It’s still stocked with all the classics. I reach out to touch the spine of Alice in Wonderland, a habit of mine.  
“Are you hungry, thirsty?” Mom asks, I turn towards her. She’s leaning against the kitchen counter, a nervous look on her face.  
“No, I ate a bit ago” I lie. Truth is ever since I heard about my dad’s diagnosis I couldn’t find my appetite.  
“Come sit” She nods to the barstools. I sit down stiffly, keeping my hands firmly on the cold countertop.  
“I want to know everything” She says, her eyes soft, it makes me look away uncomfortable.  
“Do you?” I blurt, the words spilling out before I have a chance to think them over.  
“Of course” She demands.  
“Well I don’t feel like disappointing, so.,” I mumble, my skin prickling.  
“Kiara” She breathes. I push away from the counter, my heart pounding.  
“I’m tired, it’s been a long drive” I tell her, her eyes fall, and she nods.  
“If you need anything I’ll be in my room,” She says, I nod and start walking up the familiar spiral staircase. I can feel my heart thrumming loudly inside my chest, the strength of it making me dizzy. I stop at the family portrait, my stomach dropping. It’s from the Midsomer thing when I was sixteen. The purple silk dress brings back memories. I look over at my dad’s smiling face, my heart aches, and I turn away, walking to my room. The “I love the ocean” poster is the first thing my eyes land on. It’s like a museum in here, everything is the same as when I left. I plop my bag down and let my eyes roam around. My ukulele is sitting in the corner by my desk. I played that thing every night before bed. A pang hits my chest, and I take a deep breath. Everything in here seems so different now. I remember thinking I couldn’t live without all my records, or pictures. I move to pick up my heart-shaped ring box, the one Sarah and I made after a long day on Pinterest. I turn it over, and smile at our faded signatures on the bottom. The memory feels like a lifetime ago. The town itself feels so old, kind of like I was never really here. When I think of the long summer days spent in the Pogue it’s with a vintage film over it. Like a disposable camera lens. I peel off my shoes and tunnel under my covers. The strangeness of today feels like too much. Nothing feels like home. I thought I guess I should say I was scared it would feel like home, and I would regret being away for so long. Instead I want to run, to get back into my beat-up Toyota and leave. I turn over, my hand automatically going to the light switch beside my headboard to turn the lights off. The sunset shines through my window, leaving an orange cast over the room. I clutch at my duvet, clumping it together so that I can hold it to my chest. I close my eyes, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the day. I fall asleep quickly.  
…I wake up to complete darkness, I turn over disoriented. I blink a couple of times my eyes focusing on the light-up stars on my ceiling. I reach over for my phone, to check the time. It’s five thirty-five. I groan turning back over. After ten minutes of tossing and turning I decided to get up. I brew myself a cup of coffee, hopefully it helps with the fog hanging over me. I step outside, the air feels crisp, and a breeze passes over me. I start towards the dock, the clouds have shifted letting some light shine through. I sit down at the end of the dock, coffee in hand. Everything is so peaceful right now, just before the sun comes up. Birds are lightly chirping, and the branches on the trees softly shake from the breeze. I cross my legs under me and wrap my jacket around me. I hear a low buzzing, and I look to the right and see a boat a couple yards away. Something about the boat looks familiar. I keep my eyes glued to it as it gets closer. I look towards the writing on the boat, and my eyes widen. HMS Pogue. My stomach drops, and I feel my heart pound against my ribcage. The boat passes my dock, and I catch the drivers eye. John B Routledge. One of the Pogues. One of my former best friends. He smiles, and looks past me, like he doesn’t recognize me. I stare, jaw dropped, as he passes. His head turns back suddenly, his eyes wide, and his mouth open in shock. He stops the boat, before fully spinning towards me.  
“Kie” He calls, the nickname brings a pang to my chest. I sit frozen to the dock, my eyes traveling over him. His eyes are soft, typical John B puppy eyes. His face looks harder now, the lines around his mouth deep-set. His skin looks rough, and so different from his the baby face I remember.  
“I..” I stumble, feeling at a loss for words. I stand coffee still in my hand. “John B” I finally say, the name feels weird on my lips. A smile breaks out on his lips, as he anchors the boat. I move to the edge of the dock, a smile on my face.  
“You’re home” He exclaims, and I don’t correct him that it doesn’t feel like home.  
“I am” I say instead, he jumps off the boat and onto the high grass.  
“It’s been so long” He remarks as he jumps up onto the dock. I step back so he has room to step up.  
“Ten years” I nod, he grins. He pulls me into a hug, his long arms wrapping tightly around me.  
“Ten fucking years” He mumbles against my hair  
“Ten fucking years” I laugh, as he pulls away.  
“We need to have dinner or something, you could come over to the chateau” He beams happily. “To catch up” He adds  
“To catch up, you sound so old” I laugh  
“Hey I’m twenty-seven, so not over thirty okay, so no quips about my age” He laughs, the familiar smile lighting up his face.  
“We’re the same age, I just aged better” I mock, he nods  
“You look the same” He agrees and I grin whipping my hair.  
“I have to go, work, but tonight my house” He nods  
“Maybe” I yell after him as he rushes to the boat.  
“Yes, and six-thirty” He looks back over his shoulder. I watch as he starts the boat up again and turns back to me, a wide smile on his face. I watch until the boat is just a blob, the smile still on my face.  
…  
“Morning” Mom says as I walk inside. She’s still in her bathrobe, and is sipping on a mug of what I assume is coffee.  
“Morning” I respond placing my cup in the sink.  
“Early morning?” She asks  
“Ya” I nod, she nods back, her eyes darting around the kitchen.  
“So, Your dad is still in the hospital he’ll be home tomorrow, but if you want we could go together to see him today” She asks.  
“Ya, sure” I nod, my heart pounds against my ribcage.  
“Okay, we’ll go in an hour?” She responds, I nod. I start walking upstairs to get ready when she reaches for my hand.  
“I’m glad you’re home” She says, and my heart squeezes in my chest. I want to be able to say the same, but my lips won’t move. So instead I nod and continue upstairs. I feel the tiredness in my body as I get ready, everything seems to be moving slowly around me. I look at my reflection in the mirror, the bags under my eyes are prominent. I pull my hair up into a bun, before I head downstairs.  
…  
Mom and I didn’t talk the whole drive, I didn’t know what to say to her, and she didn’t ask any questions. I follow mom as she waves politely at the nurses that pass us as we walk to Dad’s room. This doesn’t feel real, It been ten years since I saw my dad, and now he’s sick… dying actually. The thought makes me still, nausea hit me like a tidal wave. Mom continues not noticing my hesitation. I see she stops before a door, and turns back like she wants to tell me something. Her eyes go wide as she notices me a couple feet behind.  
“Honey” She coos rushing forward, but I shake my head and stand straighter.  
“I’m fine” I mutter, she stops and nods her face falling slightly. I sink back feeling bad, but she turns walking back to the room. I follow along, my heart pounding.  
“How are you feeling?” I hear mom ask from outside the room. Nerves shoot through me and I feel like I can’t step into the room. What do I say to him? He’s dying and I don’t know what to say! I walk in, my eyes on the tiled floor.  
“Kiara” Dad says, his voice is low, and hoarse. I look up, and I swallow back the lump in my throat.  
“Dad” I say, his eyes are glossy. I notice how tired he looks, his face looks sunken in and think. My dad’s always been tall and muscular but now he hardly fills out the bed. A wave of nausea hit me, and I feel dizzy.  
“How are you” He croaks, and I can feel the tears building behind my eyes. Every day for the last ten years I’ve thought of all the things I would yell at both of my parents when I saw them, but right now I can’t think, and I can’t speak.  
“Dad” I repeat, my voice squeaky, a tear falls from his eye, and I shake my head.  
“I missed you Kie” he says, and that makes the tears start to pour. I sob loudly, unable to take a full breath.  
“Kiara” Dad says, but I shake my head, I can’t breathe the room is too small for me to take a full breath.  
“Why?” I sob, he shakes his head, and takes a shaky breath.  
“I don’t know” He responded, and I look away from his feeble body. I suck in some air, trying to control the tears that are falling down my cheeks. I wipe at my face, sucking in some more air.  
“Kiara, please come give me a hug” He says, and I bite my lip to keep the fresh wave of tears from spilling out. I turn around, his eyes are soft, and it’s the first time in ten years I’ve seen my dad. I rush over to him, laying my head on his chest. He starts caressing my hair, just like he did whenever I use to have bad dreams.  
“I’m sorry” He whispers, and I can’t hold back the tears. I crawl in beside him, clutching tightly to him. He kisses the top of my head, and begins rubbing circles on my back. I don’t know how long we stay like that, but I don’t make the move to get up, I just want him to hold me for a little bit longer.  
…  
I feel the throbbing in my temples as I open my eyes. I still feel the hard planes of my dads chest under me, and I quickly look up. He smiles down at me, and my heart squeezes again.  
“Hey” I smile  
“How did you sleep?” He asks as I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest.  
“Fine, did I sleep long?” I ask awkwardly, he shakes his head.  
“Where’s mom?” I ask noticing she’s not in the room  
“She went to get some coffee” He says, and I nod stepping out of the bed.  
“You look so grown-up” he comments  
“That's what usually happens” I smile, his eyes roam over me, as he nods.  
“So please tell me everything” He exclaims.  
“Not much to tell, I had to do a year at a wildlife rescue organization before I was eligible for the Peace Corp” I explain sitting down. “I volunteered there, while working as a waitress” I add. “When I finally got into the Peace Corp I worked for a year teaching children in Africa English, and levels of math.” I nod, his eyes widen slightly  
“The next year I transferred into the environmental aspect, which of course you know was the main reason why I wanted to join” I explain, he nods.  
“I remember how you banned straws from the restaurant” He chuckles, I smile.  
“So ya, it was more agriculture. I helped with small scale farmers in third world countries. First Cambodia, for almost a year then I transferred to Zambia. I went to India for a couple of months to help after someone got sick. I pretty much traveled all over helloing wherever I could for the last seven years” I cut it short  
“Wow” He exhales lightly  
“Ya, it was busy, but distracting” I admit. “Most rewarding thing I could do,” I say, he nods  
“That's amazing Kiara” He says. I sit back confused. I waited for him to write to me, to tell me anything, but both of them never did.  
“Why didn’t you write?” I blurt, he sighs  
“I didn’t know what to say,” He says, and I nod  
“You could have said anything,” I tell him, he nods  
“I know, I’m sorry. I did send out letters but every time I did they got sent back” He says and my eyes widen  
“You tried,” I ask, he nods  
“I could have tried harder, truth is I was embarrassed and felt so guilty” He explains, and I nod.  
“I was so mad,” I say “At both of you, but I… I don’t know what to do now dad” I admit, my voice cracking  
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but it was so far from right.” He exclaims “You deserved better, you deserve better now” He adds, I feel the back of my throat burn.  
“I’m mad that you just now got in touch, when you’re sick” I tell him, my anger boiling inside me.  
“I know” he nods  
“You don’t because I was done with you, both of you and now I can’t be angry because you’re dying” I shout the words bouncing around the room.  
“Kiara” He says, and now I’m crying again.  
“I was alone, you both left me alone” I cry, the pain and loneliness shooting out of me. “I know” He nods again, his frail face ashen, making my stomach curl.  
“I just wanted you to accept me, why couldn’t you?” I ask, tears falling from my eyes.  
“I failed you, and I have no explanation as to why, but I need you to know that I love you I’ve always loved you” He says, and the words make a sharp pain shoot straight through me.  
“I’m so sorry” He adds.  
“I forgive you” I say the words causing a sense of relief to flood over me. A tear falls from his eye, and he quickly wipes it. “You do?” He asks  
“I’m trying to, I want the rest of our time together” my voice cracks “I need the rest of our time together to be about fixing this, getting back to before everything,” I say, he nods  
“I don’t want you to die thinking I hated you, and I don’t want to hate you” I explain, he nods again, his eyes glossy. I hear heels clicking, and I wipe the tears from my face as mom pops in.  
“I brought coffee” She says holding up a tray of five coffees. “I didn’t know your preference” She stumbles, and I can feel the snarky comment on my lips but I hold back, dad’s words filling my head.  
…  
Dad shooed me off once he got word that John B invited me over for dinner, honestly, I was hoping he’d make me stay, but he insisted I go said he’d be back tomorrow morning. Now I’m in the driveway, staring at the stupid yellow Chateau really leaning towards driving back home. A porch light comes on, and my body sinks lower into the seat. A woman with long dark brown hair comes out a watering can in her hand. She’s smiling widely and saying something I can’t hear. Her eyes scan the area before landing on my parked car. Her face falls before quickly picking up again. Now or never. I take the keys out and hop out of the car, my heart racing.  
“You must be Kiara” She coo’s from the top step.  
“Hi” I wave, she comes rushing down the watering can splashing at her side.  
“JB had told me so much about you” She squeals before pulling me into a very tight hug. She’s shorter than me, but her small frame seems to take me over.  
“He’s been talking about you all morning” She chuckles her laugh nice and soft. “Sorry, I’m Diana, Dee for short” She introduces, taking my hand and leading me up the stairs. The house shocked me. Pictures are framing the walls, as well as small ceramic sculptures. The furniture matches the light blue, and white walls. The place is unrecognizable, I guess I haven’t been here in ten years.  
“Babe” She calls as we continue towards the kitchen.  
“In the kitchen” I hear John B respond.  
“He’s making lasagna, I hope that’s okay,” She asks  
“That's perfect” I nod, she smiles  
“I told you already she should be here around six-thirty, knowing her she’ll be late” John B says as he faces the stove.  
“I’ll have you know being fashionably late is still very in,” I say, he turns a smile on his face.  
“You made it” He says, I shrug and he walks over to give me another hug. “And I see you two have met” He adds as Diana snuggles under his arm.  
“Yes, and I can already tell she’s too good for you” I say, they both laugh.  
“Wow, I like you” Diana Comments, I smile.  
“So, JB told me you are in the Peace Corps, and I am so intrigued I need to know everything” She exclaims excitedly. She moves to the small nook area, with lots of pillows and pats the seat next to her. I sit down, and I’m surprised at how easy this feels.  
“Babe, wine please” She smiles up at John B, who shakes his head but smiles widely.  
“Oh sorry I didn’t even ask, you okay with wine?” She asks  
“Yes, I am definitely okay with wine” I nod, she chuckles.  
“So I need to know everything” She says again as John B hands us two wine glasses. So I tell her everything.  
…  
“So you traveled the world while helping third world countries, and your parents weren’t supportive?” She asks, her eyes wide. We’re on our second bottle of wine, and I’ve told her all about my world travels and my unsupportive parents. I take another bite of the lasagna, shaking my head.  
“Ya, trying to get over that” I laugh, she smiles and so does John B. “Okay now your turn both of you, I want to know how you guys met” I say, John B stretches his arm over her smiling fondly.  
“We’ve been together for four years now” Diana responds, I nod.  
“Four years in a month” John B interjects  
“He gets specific” Diana laughs, I smile at the couple.  
“We met about a week after I moved here, I was working as a food supplier for a restaurant, I’m an artist but I needed money so” She explains  
“Anyway besides the point, I bought from their boat and He instantly fell for me” She smirks, and I laugh.  
“Wait, what boat, I don’t even know what you do?” I tell John B, and he nods.  
“JJ and I actually own a seafood supply company” He says, at the mention of JJ my heart stutters in my chest.  
“Wow” I smile  
“Ya, we stared it about six years ago” He nods, I poke at my Lasagna, my heart hammering.  
“That’s amazing, I didn’t even know you guys wanted to do that,” I say  
“It kind of happened after a long night of drinking” John B laughs, Diana snuggles into his side.  
“Now that sounds right,” I say, he smiles.  
“So JJ’s still here too?” I ask, he nods  
“Home town boys” He nods We wanted to keep the company here, but we ship to pretty much every city and town around us, we’re hoping to expand further,” John B says, and I nod intrigued  
“Seems like just yesterday we were all just kids on HMS Pogue” I say, his eyes soften and he nods.  
“Ya, Pogues for life” he responds, and I nod.  
“And this place, looks so different” I say pointing around the house, John B laughs.  
“Thanks to me, it was a total dump when I moved in,” She says, I laugh  
“Cleaning has never been his strong suit” I laugh, she chuckles. “But it looks so good in here, I love all the colors,” I say  
“I painted it all by hand” She grins  
“What kind of art do you do?” I ask  
“Mixed media, I like to do a bunch of everything,” She says  
“I tried African clay art, I sucked, but it was so much fun,” I say, her eyes widen  
“Pottery is my favorite” She squeaks, I smile. My phone rings out loudly, and it makes me jump.  
“Sorry, it’s my mom” I say, they both nod.  
“Hey, I was just checking in, I wanted to see if you’d be home tonight,” I say  
“Oh, what time is it?” I ask  
“It’s 11” Diana answers, I’m actually shocked at how late it is.  
“Ya I should be home tonight,” I say  
“You can stay” Diana offers I shake my head  
“No, come on you drank a little, we have a spare room,” John B says, I hesitate  
“I’m actually gonna stay at John B’s tonight. I’ll be home early tomorrow morning” I tell my mom  
“Okay, see you tomorrow,” She says  
“Ya, bye” I hang up.  
“Are you guys sure, I can totally drive” I say  
“No, come on stay” Diana urges  
“Okay, thank you,” I say, She nods.  
“I actually have an early shift tomorrow so I’m going to go to bed” Diana stands stretching. “It was so great to put a face to the illusive kie, and you exceeded my expectations” She laughs pulling me into another tight hug. She smiles before moving to John B, and placing a soft kiss on his lips. We both watch as she walks away.  
“She’s great” I say, he smiles fondly after her.  
“She’s amazing” John B says, his tone soft.  
“How did you land her?” I ask, he chuckles, playing with the napkin on the table.  
“I honestly don’t know” He chuckles. I move to sit back down, as his smile grows.  
“It’s weird right?” I ask, he looks up “I mean it’s weird for me” I say, he sighs running a hand through his hair.  
“It’s weird for sure, but it kind of feels like you’ve never left” He says, my heart warms at the comment.  
“It’s been ten years, can you believe that?” I ask  
“No, it feels like yesterday” He responds. I stare down at my lap, a warm feeling floating through me.  
“I’m sorry about your dad” He says, and I look up slowly.  
“Thanks” I smile “I saw him today for the first time,” I tell him.  
“It was weird to see him so sick, plus it felt like I couldn’t really get mad at him, for completely abandoning me” I say, my anxiety building.  
“You’re allowed to be mad,” He says  
“I was mad, but he told me he’d regretted It all” I say “He apologized, and it's like all the anger just floated away” I exclaim, he nods  
“I get that, it’s like with my dad, once he was gone all the bad stuff just disappeared” He agrees, his tone somber.  
“Ya” I reach out for his hand to give it a gentle squeeze.  
“You still have time” John B says, and I nod.  
“I know, I know we’ll figure it out,” I say, he tilts his head  
“Then what is it?” He asks, I sigh  
“It’s my mom, it’s super awkward between us,” I tell him  
“Maybe you just need to be honest with her, even if that’s yelling” He says, I nod. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him. I suddenly feel the gaping hole, the John B sized hole in my life.  
“I’m sorry” I blurt, he looks confused “I left, and I didn’t stay in touch and I’m sorry” I say, his eyes are glued to mine.  
“I know, and I understood” He responds  
“I never wanted to leave you guys behind, but once I left and I lost my parents I… I didn’t feel like I had a home.” I explain “I think I needed to find myself without the support of you guys, you were my security blankets and I needed to figure out what I wanted.” I stammer, my throat aching “but I’m sorry because I wasn’t there for you” I say, he leans forward, his eyes on mine.  
“You're back now, and we’re older wiser, so we can both be here for each other now” He nods, and I smile.  
“Wow, you are wiser” I say, he chuckles and I wipe at the stray tear.  
“Now tell me about all the gory details of your life in the last ten years” I urge happily, he chuckles  
“There is a lot of gory details” He recalls making me laugh  
“Bring it on, I have all night” I lean back, he smiles and nods.


	2. Who Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks are a bitch, especially when all you want is to forget...

~  
“I can’t believe we’re graduating this year” I say, as we walk back to John B’s. Today was the first day of our senior year, pretty much the same as every other year.  
“Hey, that might now be all of us” JJ comments, making me shove him, and Pope laugh “You're graduating” I demand  
“I was talking about John B, He can't look away from Sarah's face long enough to concentrate” JJ coo’s loudly, a smirk on his face.  
“Fuck off” John B says, but a faint blush pops onto his face.  
“We’re all graduating and that’s final!” I tell them  
“Yes ma’am” John B fake salutes, making me roll my eyes.  
“So, beers to celebrate our inevitable demise, that is adulthood?” JJ asks, I glare “I mean, this is it guys, last year before we all separate” He explains  
“You don’t know if we’ll all separate” I contest, he gives me that signature JJ dubious expression  
“Pope here is going to Colorado, right?” He asks him, Pope looks sheepish  
“Or Michigan haven’t fully decided yet” He nods  
“Fine or Michigan either way, he’ll be gone, and that means what?” He asks me sarcastically  
“That means fuck you” I smile brightly, he laughs his eyes softening slightly.  
“I just mean we might as well go crazy, In case we’re all separated and like don’t see each other until we’re old and fat” He quips, making both boys laugh.  
“Fine” I huff, even though the thought of not having them around has been making me physically ill. I couldn’t imagine being without them. JJ pulls out a six-pack from his backpack, and I stare flabbergasted.  
“I was prepared, no lip Kie,” He says, his eyes wide. I hide a smile with a glare. He passes them out, and we all make a circle.  
“To being fat and old,” I say extending my can into the middle for a salute. JJ is the first to knock mine, the rest follow.  
“To being fat and old” They echo after me.  
~  
I wake up with a searing headache, and my mouth is very dry, so dry I can feel the cracks. My eyes adjust to the light filtering into the room, and that’s when I realize I’m still at John B’s. We ended up drinking more last night, by more I mean a lot. I sit up, and instantly regret it, my stomach lurches and I have to grip the bedsheets. I swing my feet slowly over the bed, breathing a sigh of relief when my stomach settles. I push my hair from my neck, and stretch the stiffness from my bones. That’s when my eye catches a photo. It’s in a small wooden frame, and it makes my breath hitch. It’s all of us at graduation, before everything got so fucked up. I stare at my young face smiling widely at JJ. JJ, who looks brightly back at me, with those stupidly gorgeous sea-foam eyes. I move my eyes slowly to my right, where Pope is smiling toothily at the camera. John B’s arm is slung over JJ, as he holds out the camera, he had the longest arms. I smile at the memory of JJ explaining why he had to hold the camera, eventually, John B agreed after copious amounts of unwanted sexual innuendos from JJ. I look away, back at my lap the memory, making my already swimming head dizzy. I stand on my shaky legs and walk to the bathroom. I freeze at the door, listing to hear if Diana or John B are awake. I don’t hear anything, so I quickly rush to the bathroom. I quickly put on the cold water, letting it run a couple seconds before I soak my hands. I place my cold hands on my eyes sighing in relief. I hear, some muffled voices, and I shut the tap off.  
“He had a late-night” I catch Diana’s voice.  
“He’s still asleep?” My heart leaps as I recognize the voice.  
“Ya” Diana chuckles, and my heart starts to race wildly in my chest. I hear their footsteps pass the bathroom, and I stare at the door with wide eyes.  
“Wakey, Wakey” JJ’s voice rings out again, making my stomach sink. I hear John B groan loudly, and I can imagine JJ jumping onto him. I quietly open the door and rush back into the spare room, my heart racing. I search the floor for my bag, and keys, needing to get out of here before… Shit, I hear a soft knock on the door, I spin. I take a breath before opening the door just a crack. Diana is smiling widely at me, a cup of coffee in her hand.  
“Morning,” She says, I smile back apprehensively  
“Morning” I respond  
“So I thought you might want some coffee” She extends the cup to me, I take it.  
“Thank you, ya, it was a long night” I laugh, she nods.  
“Anyway there’s toast and eggs waiting when you’re ready” She says, I nod. She walks off, and I shut the door. I try to listen to JJ, but I can’t hear anything, maybe he left. I grab my bags and place the cup on the side table. I lift my phone to my ear, pretending to talk to my mom as I walk out slowly.  
“I’ll be there in five” I say before hanging the fake call up. Diana is drinking coffee, while reading what I think is an art magazine.  
“Hey, I actually have to go, my mom needs me” I exclaim, my voice squeaky to my own ears. My heart was pounding as my eyes darted around the room.  
“Oh, of course” Diana smiles politely up at me. I start backing up.  
“Just tell John B I said thank you and I’ll text him,” I say, she looks amused and nods “And thank you for everything, you’re super cool and ya, I’ll see you both later” I add, my voice sounding frantic.  
“No problem any time, oh Kiara” She points her eyes widening, and I hit roughly into someone, my eyes widen. I can feel my heart rattling in my chest.  
“Kiara Carrera” JJ sounds amused, and my stomach flips from hearing my name on his lips. I turn slowly, running a hand through my very messy hair.  
“JJ Maybank” I retort. His eyes are bright, as they run over me. He looks the same, it’s kinda perturbing how little he’s changed. Except now I can see the harder lines of his face and his hair seems to have gotten just a little darker. Instead of the golden I remember it’s not streaked with sandy brown,, it suits him. He looks stronger now too, I can see the lines of his chest through his shirt, it makes my heart stammer.  
“Long time no see” He grins, and the feeling of longing rushes back in so hard it takes my breath away.  
“I have to go, I need to see my dad” I exclaim, my eyes moving away from his reluctantly. I push past him, and notice John B leaning against the wall, his eyes curious.  
“Kie” JJ calls before I open the door, I freeze, the nickname making my heart flutter annoying.  
“Ya” I turn hopefully my face is neutral. He looks me up and down, making my cheeks blush.  
“It’s really good to see you” He announces, my stomach flips, and I clutch the handle tightly.  
“Ya, you to” I nod before rushing outside. I basically run to my car, JJ’s eyes stuck in my head. I clumsily start my car before peeling out of the driveway.  
“What is wrong with you” I yell at myself on the drive home, why couldn’t I just be normal? Why were the crazy nervous butterflies still there, after all these stupid years! Why couldn’t I look at him, and feel nothing? My stomach flips as his face pops back into my head. His grin, was so unbearable soft. Stupid! Stupid!  
…  
I notice bags at the front door when I walk in, clear tubes are falling out of them.  
“Mom” I call, shutting the door behind me. I hear footsteps before I see mom pop up behind the entryway.  
“Kiara, hey, sorry I’m just preparing some food for your dad, he’s upstairs in his room” She nods, I notice she’s wearing an apron, that says Kiss the cook, dad’s apron.  
“Okay” I nod  
“Are you hungry?” She asks  
“No, I’m okay thank you” I say before continuing up the stairs. I hear dad’s hollow coughs from the hallways, the coughs where it sounds like his lungs are rattling. I lean against the wall, taking in a deep breath as another wave of nausea hits me. His coughing stops, and I can hear him trying to catch his breath. I push away from the wall and walk into his room. His eyes brighten when he sees me.  
“Morning” I smile hopefully it’s bright  
“Morning” he grins back. “How was last night?” He asks, his voice sounding intrigued.  
“Good, it was nice to see him, and Diana is great” I say sitting down on the chair next to his bed.  
“She’s is, She actually painted the new mural at the restaurant” Dad croaks, his voice cracking. He turns away from me, another loud cough escaping him.  
“You and John B have kept in touch then?” I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.  
“He started supplying the restaurants food, so I guess so.” He nods “Although, they were both indifferent to me for a long time” Dad adds, I look confused  
“JJ and John B” He explains, understanding my confused look  
“Indifferent?” I question, Dad has a small smile on his face.  
“John B was indifferent, JJ was, well you know JJ, he has a temper” He laughs lightly, I blush. I’m about to tell him that he doesn’t have a temper, he’s just protective. But Dad adds quickly “I should say protective, he was protective over what happened between us, so he didn’t talk to me at all.”  
“He didn’t?” I ask, my heart feels like it’s being squeezed  
“No, he got John B to do the order, even though it was his idea,” Dad says, I nod “Which was why it was so shocking that he was the first one to visit me in the hospital after I collapsed in the restaurant” Dad gives me a strange look.  
“How did he find out?” I ask  
“Smalltown I suppose” Dad quips, I nod.  
“Weird” I comment, he chuckles “What?” I huff in response  
“You always were so oblivious when it came to him” Dad comments, and I blush at the implication.  
“I’m not oblivious” I state  
“Okay” Dad nods, and I huff again making him chuckle again. Mom walks in then, a tray of food in her hands.  
“I told you I wasn’t hungry?” Dad smiles fondly up at her, she places it gently on his lap.  
“You're never hungry, now eat” She insists. Mom sits down, on the other chair, her face worried. Dad sits up slowly picking up the fork with shaky hands.  
“So, what’s all the laughing about?” Mom asks, her eyes on me.  
“We’re talking about Kiara and JJ” Dad explains and my jaw drops  
“No, we didn't cause there isn’t a Kiara and JJ, Dad’s just saying stuff that obviously isn’t true” I smile sweetly at him, he grins.  
“Right, the JJ of it all” Mom says leaning back in her chair.  
“There is no JJ of it all” I say curtly, her face takes on a far off look, and a memory pops into my head.  
~  
“Kiara” Mom knocks on the door lightly, I freeze, quickly wiping at my face. I had been sobbing on my bathroom floor for the last hour.  
“One minute” I call, my voice sounding watery, I groan at myself standing up to look at my reflection. My eyes are bloodshot, and puffy. There was no way she’d not notice I’d been crying.  
“What’s up?” I call over the door  
“Could you open the door?” She asks, and I sigh shaking my head like she could see.  
“I’m in the bathroom” I lie  
“Kiara honey, open the door” She insists and I groan quietly. I wipe under my eyes one last time sucking in a wobbly breath before I open the door. Her eyes soften into pity when she sees me, making me push past her.  
“Yes?” I ask, my voice hard.  
“What’s wrong?” She asks, her voice soothing. I stop at my desk, and sit down pulling out one of my assignments.  
“Nothing, just a meltdown over… my homework” I lie, staring at the words on my paper. I hear his footsteps as she walks closer, her hand dropping down on my shoulder.  
“Kiara, sweetie” She says, and the tears start falling once again.  
“It’s nothing” I insist, through the tears. She pulls me into a hug, as she places a kiss on the top of my head.  
“It’s not nothing” She says, and I groan embarrassed. “It should be nothing” I cry, she pulls back taking my face in her hands  
“What is wrong?” She asks, and I sniffle.  
“You can’t tell anyone,” I say, she nods wiping under my eyes  
“God this is embarrassing” I mumble “JJ has a girlfriend and I don’t want to talk about it” I yell loudly, she doesn’t flinch.  
“Honey” She starts, and I move away from her grasp.  
“No, it’s fine” I say plopping down on my bed. I pull one of my pillows against my chest squeezing it tightly.  
“So you like JJ then?” She asks and I groan pulling the pillow to my face.  
“No, I hate him” my voice is muffled by the pillow.  
“Okay” Mom says, and I groan again.  
“I don’t know why I’m upset it makes no logical sense okay” I explain, she nods. “Maybe I just don’t like Jazmine Fields” I shrug “Maybe I feel like she’s taking my friend away” I add, mom nods again. I can feel the fresh wave of tears about to hit.  
“How long?” Mom asks, and I shake my head  
“I just now figured it out, but I guess for a bit now” I say, she nods.  
“I’m sorry” She says, and the tears fall again. She moves over pulling me back into a hug.  
“Why?” I ask her, she chuckles lightly, and sighs. “I don’t have an answer for you hun” She mumbles, I sigh leaning further into her.  
“I don’t want it to be like this mom” I cry  
“I know, but you can’t help who you like” She explains  
“Or who likes you back” I whisper the words burning me.  
“Honey I could tell you what I think, but you’re not going to believe it until you see it for yourself” She says, and I look at her confused. “You’ll get it when you’re older, hopefully,” She smiles, I nod before laying my head down on her lap. She tangles her fingers in my hair, humming softly like she did when I was little.  
~  
I shake the vivid memory from my head, the ache in the back of my throat slowly dissipating. Mom smiles at me, her eyes bright.  
“I was thinking since I’m staying here, I want to work,” I say, mom’s eyes widen “You don’t have to” Mom starts  
“No, I want to. I could help at the restaurant” I insist, Dad nods  
“That would be great, you’re mothers so busy taking care of me, she doesn’t have time for the restaurant” Dad nods.  
“Okay,” I say  
“So I’ll take you tomorrow, and introduce you to everyone,” Mom says  
“Sure, sounds good” I agree. Dad reaches out for mom, and she takes his hand, smiling fondly at him.  
…  
“You sure you’re okay by yourself?” Mom asks for the fifth time since we got here. I opened The Wreck with her this morning, she gave me the extended tour, even though everything is pretty much the same.  
“Yes, you can go, dad needs you more than me” I insist, she nods.  
“Okay, so Tommy our night manager will be in around 3:30 you can get off then” She explains again, I nod. I watch as she waves good-bye to everyone before rushing to her car. It’s weird working back here, I guess now I’m in charge of more than just my tips. Mom said they didn’t need a new waitress, so it would make more sense for me to be a shift manager, and to deal with all the meltdowns not only from the customers. It was weird considering everyone kind of looked at me with annoyance. No one likes the bosses daughter. I head back to the office, to look over the shift schedule. When I spot Diana rushing towards the staff room.  
“Dee?” I call, she turns, her confusion morphing into a smile.  
“Hey” She responds “You're working here?” She asks  
“I’m the new shift manager, thanks to my many many qualifications and not for the fact that my parents own the place” I laugh, she grins widely  
“Congrats” She cheers  
“I didn’t know you worked here,” I say, she nods  
“Well you know, struggling artist” She chuckles. “But I’m glad you’re working here, now I can have someone to gossip to, about Tommy” She whispers  
“Oh, well the only person I know here is you, oh and Sam the chef,” I say, she nods  
“Everyones super nice, except Tommy, but..” She rolls her eyes “Anyway, I should clock in” She points behind her to the Lounge.  
“Ya, I’ll be in the office if anyone needs me,” I say, she smiles widely and turns back. The office is smaller than I remember, and it’s piled high with papers. I sit down, the chair groans under me. I pick up what I assume is a bill, because of the red Last Notice stamp on it. I grimace and pick up the rest of the stack. All of them say Last notice. The Wreck is in debt, and they didn’t tell me about it. I stare shocked at the stack of bills.


	3. Pogues For Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiara and JJ talk, and it feels like they never stopped. Maybe it'll be easier to fall back into being a Pogue than Kiara thinks...

The Wreck is going under fast if I don’t do something. I’ve locked myself away every day in the office, looking over the bank statements from the last three years. The numbers have dropped, and I can’t find the reason why. I haven't brought it up, but I think I need to ask my dad about it. He’s always been in charge. I decide to do it while mom’s downstairs making his breakfast. I know he’s awake because I can hear the TV. I knock twice before cracking the door. Dad smiles and waves me in.   
“Hey,” I say  
“Hi” I move to sit next to him, and he gives me a curious look.   
“What’s up?” He asks, I look at the door, and quickly look back.   
“I was looking at the bills, well they kind of just popped up” I Start, and realization crosses his face.   
“So you know the Wreck is broke” Dad comments, his face solum   
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, he sighs   
“I didn’t want to worry you” He answers lightly, I nod.   
“Are you and mom okay, financially?” I ask  
“Ya, you know your mother still has her Trust Fund, which we’ve had to rely on lately,” Dad says, and I stare at him confused.   
“Why haven't you guys invested in updates and new kitchenware?” I ask, he smiles “I think it would help, everyone always likes a redecoration” I smile, he nods.  
“I like the decorations just fine” He stalls, his eyes bright. He was holding something from me.   
“Dad,” I say, he sighs.   
“Your mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea” He admits “Well actually it’s just with me getting sick there’s no one to take it over, so she thinks it’s a waste” He explainS  
“So what, just let it go under?” I huff, he looks away again “You plan on selling,” I say, he sighs  
“It’s best” He shrugs. I couldn’t imagine the Wreck being owned by anyone else. I stand and start pacing the room.   
“Kiara, it’s okay” He insists   
“You created that place, that’s your whole life work” I exclaim, his eyes soften.   
“And I loved every minute of it, but it’s time to let go” He responds, I stop pacing.   
“What if I take it over?” I blurt, his eyes widen just slightly. “You don’t plan on going back?” He asks   
“Well I could update it and if I do plan on going back I could sell, just don’t give up on it yet” I state, the words rushing out of me.   
“Kiara, you don’t have to, just because you think I’d be losing something” He explains  
“It’s not that!” I huff, he nods “I want it dad” I add softer this time. He scratches his chin, his eyes glued to mine.   
“Are you sure?” He asks, I nod   
“I could even pay you out if you want” I add, he shakes his head.   
“I’ll sign it over, you’d be doing me a favour” He states.   
“Okay” I nod, he smiles widely   
“You are the new owner of The Wreck” Dad cheers, clapping his hands together in a sort of applause.   
“I own a restaurant, no big deal” I shrug, he chuckles and the sound makes me happy.   
…  
I tap nervously on the countertop, my heart races wildly in my chest. I called every employee for a meeting, I wanted to talk to everyone in person about the change in management. Everyone is seated, and no one is talking they all just stare straight at me.   
“Okay,” I whisper to myself my eyes scanning the room and landing on Diana who’s smiling brightly at me.   
“Hi everyone, as you all know I’m Kiara, my parents own the Wreck” I start off, my voice booming through the space. I step forward, clasping my hands together in front of me.   
“I called you all here to talk about some new changes” I express, some people look confused, while others look intrigued. “So the first change being management. I am the new owner of The Wreck” I smile brightly, I can tell everyone is shocked by their slackened jaws. “I know you’re all probably super confused, but as you all know my dad is sick and he can no longer take care of the restaurant, so I’ve stepped in” I explain, their faces soften collectively. Playing the sick dad card usually does that.   
“With me stepping in I’ve also decided that this place needs a remodel, and we will be closed” I brace myself for the outpour of anger, but no one says anything.   
“I’d love to keep all of you on for when the remodel is done, but I understand if that’s not possible or if you need to consider other options. I will be giving a severance package to all of you for the month that this place will be closed, but again I understand if you’re upset” I ramble. Someones arm shoots up  
“Yes?” I ask, it’s one of the cook staff, Henry I think his name is. He looks apprehensive, but he stands.   
“So The Wreck will be closed for a month for remodelling and we’ll be getting severance packages, meaning we’re fired or?” He asks   
“No, the severance if for the month without work, but technically yes. I want to rehire all of you when we reopen but if you don’t want to come back I understand” I explain to him, he nods and sits back down.   
“Any other questions?” I ask the blonde petite girl, who’s a waitress stands.   
“So like are we done now or?” She asks, her tone squeaky. I know she’s young I can tell by the phone sticking out of her shorts.   
“Yes we’d be starting the remodel right away, and all of your packages if not direct deposited are in the back,” I tell her, she shrugs sitting down.   
“Again thank you all for understanding and being there for my dad, I appreciate it” I smile brightly, they nod in a unit, before standing and chatting quietly. Diana runs up pulling me into a hug.   
“I’m so excited for you, and if you need any decorating tips or art pieces I’m here and obviously no charge” She claps her hands  
“Thank you, ya I’m going to be doing most of the renovations myself, maybe I’ll get John B to help” I laugh   
“He’s dumb with a hammer, but ask JJ he’s kind of the handyman around town,” She says, and I blink at her my mouth dropped   
“JJ, town handyman?” I stumble, she chuckles   
“Ya” She nods, and I shake my head.   
“Ya, maybe I’ll ask him” I nod even though I couldn’t imagine being nonchalant and asking him even with everything between us if he could do my Renos. The thought makes me laugh to myself. Diana gives me a weird look, but laughs along.   
“Speak of the devil,” Diana says pointing to the front entrance, I turn and spot JJ with a big cooler in his arms. His face is contorted into concentration, as he walks forward the box heavy in his arms. He places it gently down beside the register, his arm muscles bulging slightly. The sight makes my stomach flip, and my mouth dry. His eyes scan around the room, before landing on mine. His mouth turns up into a small smile, his eyes squinted from the sunlight filtering in.   
“It’s probably for the food supply” Diana explains suddenly, I turn toward her, my cheeks burning. She has a small smile on her face and a knowing look on her face.   
“Oh, thanks,” I say before I make my way towards him. I head behind the counter, the space needed for me to concentrate.   
“Hi,” I say, his cologne wafts over me.   
“Hi, sorry did I interrupt a meeting?” He asks, his eyes moving around the room towards the group still chatting to each other.   
“No, we just finished” I answer, he nods, his eyes back on mine. His eyes travel over me, and he bites down on his lower lip, making my skin burn.   
“How's your dad?” He asks, his tone delicate.   
“Okay, he’s out of the hospital,” I tell him, he smiles  
“That’s good, How are you?” He asks, I’m shocked that he’s being so open and casual, he seems so different from before.   
“I’m good, did you hear I own this place” I quip, and his eyes widen.   
“Shit, I heard you were taking over for a bit but that’s great” He declares.   
“Thanks” I nod “Oh, and that’s what I wanted to tell John B, I’m going to need to hold off on the fresh stuff since we’re closing down for a month” I explain, he tilts his head a confused look on his face. “I’m remodelling, updating” I point around aimlessly.   
“Smart” He smiles impressed, I grin back. “Okay, well when you need the supply just text me, and I can get it delivered,” he says pulling out a pen and paper. He writes down his number casually, while my heart beats roughly against my rib cage. Why was he being so normal, wasn’t be weirded out, or at all confused! He hands the paper to me, an easy smile on his face.   
“Are you getting it remodelled or remodelling it yourself?” He asks, and I stare down at the paper in my hand, taken back.   
“Myself, I don’t have the money to hire someone else” I exhale, he chuckles.   
“Well I don’t know if you heard but I’m the town handyman, so I could help” He beams, and my heart skips. I feel the familiar swish inside my stomach.   
“I did hear” I laugh, he nods blushing slightly “I wouldn’t make you though, it’s a lot of work” I huff, he shakes his head   
“I’d want to, this place does provide a lot of my dinners,” He says, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips, he grins lightly.   
“Well then it’s only fair” I nod, he nods back.   
“Sorry change of subject but are you coming to Dee’s and John B’s dinner party?” He asks  
“No,” I say, just as Diana walks up.   
“I’m headed out, but tonight we’re having a dinner party it starts around six-ish you have to come” She exclaims, and JJ bursts out laughing, she looks confused.   
“Sure” I nod, she grins and shoves JJ, who continues chuckling to himself.   
“See you guys tonight” She calls, we both nod in unison.   
“So now I am,” I say, his smile widens.   
“Good, then I’ll see you tonight” He smirks before bending down to pick up the heavy cooler. I stare after him, my mouth wide open. How was possible he’d become even more of a flirt.   
“Weird he usually never comes to do deliveries” Tommy comes up behind me, his eyes suspicious, I shrugged, blushing.   
“My god he’s gorgeous” Georgia comes up, her eyes glued to his retreating figure, Tommy rolls his eyes.   
“Too bad he’s unavailable” Tommy comments, my head springs to his.   
“He’s in a relationship?” I ask quickly, Georgia turns to me a small smile on her face.   
“No, he doesn’t date, he’s pretty elusive that way,” Tommy says, his eyes turning into slits.   
“Why doesn’t he date?” I ask trying to sound nonchalant.   
“He hasn’t given me a chance yet that’s why” Georgia chuckles to herself.   
“You remember how JJ was in high school,” Tommy says, and I nod “He was ten times worse after, then about seven years ago, he stopped,” Tommy says, and I stare at him confused   
“Stopped?” I inquire.   
“Ya, stopped, he started working full time, helped around the town and stopped sleeping with every girl who he laid eyes on” Tommy says  
“Why?” I ask, curious   
“No one knows, but now he’s a good Samaritan which means every girl and gay guy is obsessed with him” Tommy groans, and Georgia nods vigorously.   
“He’s obsession-worthy” Georgia agrees, her eyes going dark. I refrain from saying he’s always been good, just had some bad tendencies. I also refrain from saying he’s always been obsession-worthy for obvious reasons.   
…  
I knock on the door, as I try to balance two wine bottles in my other hand. John B opens the door, a smile popping onto his face when he sees me.   
“You came prepared” He laughs grabbing the teetering bottles from my hand.   
“I haven’t been to a dinner party in a long time okay” I explain, he chuckles and opens the door wider for me to walk in.   
“I notice people are already scattered across the house. They’re add dressed in cute summery dresses, and button-downs, making me look down at my ratty graphic tee and denim cut-offs.   
“Don’t worry they’re all Dee’s friends, and she has an eclectic taste” John B whispers noticing my wide eyes  
“I didn’t know you knew the word eclectic,” I tell him, he laughs loudly, his eyes crinkling around the edges.   
“Fuck off” He starts walking towards the kitchen, stopping off to introduces me to everyone we pass, which is a lot of people. Finally, we get to the empty kitchen where Diana is mixing something on the stove, while JJ is talking and cutting something on the cutting board.   
“Kie’s here” John B interrupts placing the wine on the counter. Diana turns her eyes bubbly. JJ looks up, from whatever he’s chopping, a small smile on his face.   
“Hey” Diana cheers as John B opens one of the wine bottles and pours two glasses, handing me one.   
“Sorry I’m completely underdressed” I exclaim, she shakes her head.   
“Don’t worry, I have some pretentious friends” She laughs, and John B gives me that I told you so look.   
“I wore board shorts the first time I met her friends, worse decision,” John B tells me, I laugh.   
“Do you own anything else?” I ask, he shakes his head and Diana laughs   
“He still dresses like a teenager,” Diana says, making me laugh   
“What else am I suppose to wear, Loafers?” He asks  
“You don’t even know what loafers are,” JJ says, making Diana laugh loudly   
“And you do?” John B asks, JJ chuckles and shrugs   
“Only because of Dee” JJ confesses, and she nods, patting his back.   
“I won a bet you see the winner got to do whatever they wanted to the other person, I chose dressing him nicely which isn’t that bad except these two only want to dress like surfer boys” She taunted, making JJ shake his head.   
“Surfer boy look is a classic” JJ interjects, Diana huffs, looking at me as I sit on the barstool.   
“I can't say much my wardrobe consists of tee’s and shorts, so surfer girl” I shrug, and JJ laughs looking at me.   
“So nothing changed then?” John B laughs, I shove him.   
“If you can believe it now I have less clothes,” I say, he nods slowly.   
“You’re a minimalist then?” Diana asks  
“I guess, It was easier with all the travelling, and seeing how the other side lives really makes you reevaluate what’s important” I confess  
“Okay that makes sense, and now I feel like a dick” Diana says, I shake my head   
“Don't, even girls in Cambodia want expensive things, it’s just less of a thing so” I explain, she nods  
“You never really cared about material things like clothes though,” JJ says, leaning against the counter.   
“No, not particularly, but now I can live with three t-shirts, a pair of denim cut-offs and leggings,” I say, he nods his eyes tender, making me blush and look away.   
“I couldn’t and I know that’s shitty to say, but I love all of my clothes dearly” Diana adds in, her tone apologetic, making me giggle.   
“I couldn’t live without my beaded bracelets and necklaces so” I admit, she laughs.   
“You make them yourself?” She asks   
“Most of them I did when I was in high school I had a beading phase a big one,” I tell her spinning my bracelets around my wrist.   
“You remember making all if us matching ones” JJ comments, I stare down at my wrist, the pink bracelet that spells out Pogues staring back. I lift my wrist and his eyes catch the bracelet, a look of nostalgia passing over him. He lifts his writs and I see the matching one on his wrist, and John B lifts his.   
“You kept them” I smile, they both nod.   
“Pogues for life” JJ remarks, John B nods.   
…  
I’m at the end of the table with JJ, and John B, who are laughing quietly to each other. Diana is at the other end talking animatedly with a tall redhead girl, who looks like a runway model. I turn to JJ and John B, as they chuckle. JJ is beside me, he tuns his laugh stuck on his lips.   
“Tell him he cannot Sing,” JJ says, extending his thumb in John B’s direction.   
“I can't sing professionally but I’m not terrible” John B Interjects making JJ laugh harder.   
“Sorry, you sound like a broken lawnmower” I admit, John B’s face drops but I can see the amusement in his eyes.   
“Well shit,” He remarks making me chuckle along.   
“Babe” Diana is now next to him leaning down to whisper something in his ear, he nods and stands. I watch as they walk to the kitchen together. Diana’s finds continue to chat effortlessly, their voices flowing over each other. I catch a part of a conversation where I think his name is Jesse is talking about his vacation home in the alps I stare a bit shocked. Diana is friends with Kooks.   
“If you’re wondering they are” JJ whispers to me, I turn to him confused. “Kooks,” He says, and my eyes widen.   
“How did you know I was wondering that?” I ask, he chuckles licking his lips.   
“I wondered the same thing when I met them” He shrugs.   
“So does that mean Diana is a Kook?” I ask  
“She has a trust fund, but she’s nicer than most Kooks” JJ laughs, I nod.   
“John B always had a thing for the Kooks,” I say, as Sarah pops into my head.   
“That's true” He nods   
“What about you, anyone special,” I ask taking a sip of my wine.  
“Nope, free man” He smiles, and it sends a buzz through me. “You?” He asks   
“A free man?” I joke, he grins “No, not a lot of time for relationships,” I say, he nods “With all the saving of the world?” He asks, his eyes amused, I sigh pulling my hair up into a ponytail.   
“I do the bare minimum,” I say, he shakes his head taking a sip of water   
“You were always the humble one” He muses  
“I’m not humble it’s the truth” I exclaim  
“Okay so tell me what have you been doing for the last ten years” He leans back, his arm resting on the arm of the chair.   
“It’s a long story” I respond  
“I have time, Kooks like to talk” He jokes, making me breathe out a laugh.   
“Fine” I nod, he smiles. “After high school I did a year of volunteering at a wildlife rescue, turns out you can’t just join the Peace Corps there are requirements” I laugh, he nods intrigued. “I also worked as a waitress and lived in what was called a studio apartment but it was a shake” I add, he nods  
“I was working so It didn’t really matter plus I only used it to sleep in” I explain  
“Pogue life” He chuckles, I nod.  
“Ya, and after the year was up I applied for the Peace Corps, and I started with education since it was the easiest. Lots of English teachers needed” I claim   
“Where did you go?” He asks, leaning forward.   
“Morocco, and South Africa,” I say, his eyes widen and he looks impressed.   
“South Africa just for a couple of weeks, mainly in Morocco. I did visit Rwanda” I add  
“Did you like it?” He asks “Teaching there I mean” He adds quickly.   
“Ya, I met a lot of cool people, and that was kind of the first place that opened my eyes.” I say, he nods “People were so welcoming and kind, and they had nothing to give but they still gave everything they could” I explain.   
“There was this woman I met her was Kwame, she was so beautiful” I remember “Inside and out” I add, my throat constricting.   
“She spoke English, said she learned from a book she found in an ally” I look at him “Isn’t that crazy, she taught herself another language” He nods in agreement.   
“She helped me a lot with everything. She was like a mom. I told her about my parents and you guys, and she never made me feel like I was stupid or privileged, even though I was. She had nothing and she was always so positive. Anyway, she helped me through the stuff with my parents” I Tell him, and I can feel the tears welling in my eyes as I say the next part. “She was killed by a random break-in.” JJ’s eyes widen and he reaches for my hand giving it a small squeeze.   
“I left a month after that,” I say, his hand is still on mine. “I transferred into agriculture helping with the farming and access to food,” I explain, He smiles and I blush   
“So where did you go after Morocco?” He asks  
“I went all over” I dismiss but he gives me the classic JJ look and I sigh before continuing “Cambodia, Zambia, India, the Philippines, Somalia, Tuvalu, Guinea, Peru, Malawi, Laos, and Kanel in Senegal.” I finish, moving back and away from his comforting touch. His eyes are wide and I laugh   
“More towns in each place obviously but that’s the gist” I smile, he nods.   
“And you’re not humble” He huffs making me laugh harder. “That’s really impressive Kie” He states, I shrug.   
“I’m serious, plus you did it all by yourself” He counters, and it feels like my hearts being squeezed.   
“Thanks,” I say, he tilts his head, his eyes travelling over me.  
“What?” I ask, feeling the heat in my cheeks.   
“You’re impressive, that’s all,” He says, and I chuckle.   
“You sound so grown up” I compliment  
“That’s usually what happens” He responds  
“Oh really? I didn’t know” I say wide eyed, he chuckles. His gaze becomes intense again, like he wants to tell me something.   
“What about you?” I quickly ask, he squints “What have you been up to the last ten years?” I expressed  
“Not half the shit you did,” He remarks more to himself than me.   
“Well that’s obvious” I joke, he laughs “Im serious though I want to know” I urge pushing him slightly, he nods, biting the inside of his cheek. John B and Diana come back then, and I just now notice they’ve been gone for a bit. John B sits back down, I stare at him confused.   
“What?” He asks, and I laugh   
“Don’t tell me” I groan, and JJ laughs, as John B blushes.   
“They do it to me all the time,” JJ tells me, I cringe.   
“Shut up” John B shoves him, and JJ chuckles. I smile as that warm feeling spreads through me again.


	4. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stressed and lonely, Kiara tries to fight the feeling that seems to have taken over. We'll see if nostalgia wins out...

The warm feeling I got from that dinner party a couple nights ago, is now morphed into nostalgia. The kind of nostalgia that leaves you struggling to breathe over that punch in your stomach. Everything felt so easy, and it’s making me feel uneasy. So uneasy I’m scrubbing the walls with a small sponge and a step ladder. I read somewhere its best to wash the walls before you paint, so that’s what I’m doing. The sponge slips out of my hand, making me groan loudly. I jump down the step ladder and grab the bucket of soapy water throwing it at the wall. I stare at the sud’s falling down, my breath rapid. I hear a slow clap behind me, and I quickly turn my shoes squeaking against the floor. JJ is leaning against the door frame, a wide smile on his face. He looks far too amused at my misery.   
“Shut up” I demand, he holds up his hands in mock surrender.   
“I like the inventiveness” JJ quips, and I sigh rubbing my temple with two fingers.   
“Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing” I slump down the wall, the familiar throb in the back of my throat. He pushes off the wall and walks towards me. I lean my head on my knees, sucking in a deep breath. I feel him slide down next to me, but I keep my head down.   
“What’s wrong?” He asks, and I laugh, a short burst.   
“This place is a mess, and I have a month to get it together” I exclaim looking at him with wide eyes. He seems to inspect my face.   
“What’s really wrong?” He asks, and I groan at him.   
“I just told you” I remark angrily, he gives me a skeptical look.   
“Kie come on, you can do this you know that. What is making you freak the fuck out?” He points out, his tone matter-of-fact. I look away from his arched eyebrow. I was so use to being alone, and having no one to turn to. That having him ask me brings tears to my eyes. I blink them away, staring off at the fallen sponge.   
“I have this pit in my stomach” I spill, my cheeks heating.   
“About?” He urges effortlessly. I turn back to him, my eyes scanning over the concern on his face.   
“You” I answer, his eyes become intense, and heat rolls through me. “Being back here with you and John B. And my parents. The outer banks in general really” I add quickly, turning away from his intense eyes.   
“Why are you focusing so much on how weird it is being back?” He implores. Why was I focusing on it? I couldn’t tell him that It had taken years for me to get over him, and when he’s around me everything seems to fit back into place.   
“I don’t know” I say instead. He leans forwards slightly, his face moving to scan around the room.   
“I think you’re weirded out by how easy it is to come back” He turns back to me, a small smile on his face.   
“Why is it so easy?” I ask, he lets out a throaty laugh leaning back against the wall.   
“Home is always the easiest place to come back to” He expressed, and I squint at him.   
“Who are you,” I ask, he laughs again, his ears tinting pink.   
“I’ve grown up” He explains and I nod slowly. He shifts so he’s now looking straight ahead at nothing in particular. “I’m serious about this being your home Kie, you’re a Pogue for life remember” He turns back to me, his lip lifted at the corner.   
“Pogues for life baby” I cheer quietly, he nods his eyes scanning my face. We both go quiet, our eyes glued to each other. The pang from earlier returns, but this time I know what’s causing it. I feel my breath quicken and my cheeks heat, but I can’t look away from him. His eyes move down to my lips, he licks his lips lightly. I’ve never wanted and not wanted something so much in my life. He moves back up to my eyes, and I notice his eyes have gone just slightly darker, and it makes me shiver. He’s the first to look away, coughing slightly.   
“And about this” He points at the walls behind us, “I have a pressure washer I can bring tomorrow to clean them” He says quickly standing up. I notice his cheeks are slightly pink, and he looks flustered.   
“You don’t have to” I start, but he glares at me gently.   
“I already said I’d help,” He tells me  
“Okay thank you” I smile up at him, he nods shoving his hands into his pockets. I extend my hand to him, and he helps me up. I walk with him to his truck, and that’s when I notice he’s driving a grey Toyota Tacoma, an upgrade from his beaten-up truck I remember.   
“Nice truck,” I remark, he grins   
“My baby” He hits the hood, making me laugh.   
“You have a nicer car than me, the tables have turned” I laugh, he beams.   
“Well I’m a business owner now, halfway to becoming a Kook” He opens the door, his eyes filled with amusement.   
“To becoming full Kook” I salute him, he nods a fond look crossing his face. I watch as he drives off, a smile stuck on my face.  
…  
“Your dad has his checkup tomorrow morning, so we’ll be up early” Mom says. She’s sitting across from me as we eat dinner. I look at her across the long table, and nod simply. She picks at her salad, her face contorted.   
“What’s the checkup for?” I ask, she looks back up at me.   
“It’s to talk about options” She responds  
“Options?” I ask, her face falls.   
“His last PET scan wasn’t, well it doesn’t look good, so we’re going to talk about treatment options” She explains, her tone low.   
“I don’t understand I thought you said he was in chemo” I stammer, feeling panic rise inside of me.   
“He just finished before you got here, and the PET scan showed that the mets are still growing” She leans back, her eyes look dazed, and far away.   
“So the treatment plans are what?” I huff angrily, she looks up her face softening into sympathy.   
“We’ll know for sure tomorrow” She responded, but I shake my head   
“Just tell me” I exclaim, the fork clenched tightly in my hand. She looks down, and swallows thickly.   
“It’s terminal, the doctors aren’t really sure what else they can do” She clarifies and I can the ice-cold chill fill my body. It was real, he was dying and I had just gotten him back. I bite down on my tongue the pain sharp. I push back the chair skids loudly across the floor.   
“Kiara honey, please sit back down we can talk” Mom begs, her eyes hopeful which only makes me feel worse. I see the sadness in her eyes, and it only makes me turn away. I don’t want to feel guilty, I don’t want to look at her and see her loss too.   
“I’m tired” I say before I run upstairs. I shut my door behind me, my breathing becomes rapid and uneven. I feel the pressure on my chest, the crushing pressure. I fall the ground, fresh hot tears falling down my face and onto my legs. I grab my duvet pulling it to my face to block the scream that threatens to come out. I sob into my blanket, my body rocking back and forth soothingly. I stay staring out my window until the tears are dried on my face, and I can see the Moon’s bright silver light. I blink, my eyelids stiff and I can feel the dry streaks on my cheeks from my tears. I move to get up, ready to fall asleep when my phone rings out loudly in the darkroom. I quickly pick it up.   
“Hello” I Croak, my voice sounding stiff.   
“Kie” JJ’s voice responds and I wipe at my face like he can see that I’ve been crying   
“Hey” I manage, I can hear loud cheering on his end.   
“Hey, sorry to call randomly” He says, and I sit down pulling a pillow to my chest. “I was just wondering if you wanted to meet us for drinks” JJ explains his tone cheery. My eyes move to the discarded duvet where I was just sitting the pit in my stomach weighing me down. “Ya, sure I could use a drink” I nod even though he can’t see me.   
“Great, okay we are at John B’s” He directs, I stand grabbing my car keys.   
“Okay I’ll be there in ten,” I say  
“Okay see you soon” I hang up. I flick on my bathroom lights to check my reflection. My eyes are bloodshot, and puffy. I run my hands under cold water, before I let them cover my eyes. I can feel the throb in my temple, and I sigh in relief when the cold water touches my face. When I finally don’t look like I’ve had a mental breakdown I rush out of the house. The drive is quick, and easy. A habit. I park beside JJ’s truck, and I notice Tiki lights leading to the backyard. Diana no doubt. I follow the lights and I smile as I see Diana laughing wildly as John B dance around the fire. The scene looks so familiar, it almost makes me cry again. I shove down the urge and continue walking.   
“Tribal man still exists,” I say, and they all turn, John B stops a wide smile on his face.   
“He lives on forever” John B winks before continuing his dance. I notice JJ pats the seat beside him, so I plop down. He hands me a beer, and I smile lightly back at him.   
“I see nothings changed, you still suck at dancing” I comment taking a sip of my cold beer. Diana laughs loudly, her eyes bright with amusement.   
“I resent that, I’m a talented dancer” John B remarks, his eyes squinted making me smile.   
“I also distinctively remember Tribe man having a sidekick what was his name again?” I turn to JJ smirking, he shakes his head and Diana laughs.   
“I think it was Volcano man?” John B says, his eyes wide and happy.   
“Nope” JJ responds   
“Come on Volcano man” I urge, he shakes his head his lip turned upwards   
“Please” I add, and his face softens, making me blush.   
“Volcano man isn’t a sidekick, he’s the whole show” JJ jumps up, making me clap loudly after him. He pushes John B as he begins shimmying his hips, making both Diana and me laugh loudly.   
“Yes” I call, making him laugh as he lifts his shirt up and sucks his stomach in and out. I grip my beer, my stomach curling up with laughter.   
“Go Shakira” Diana yells, and I nod cheering loudly.   
“Shakira ain’t got nothing on me baby” He smirks as he begins gyrating his hips. The whole scene makes my body convulsive with laughter. JJ’s eyes catch mine and his smile sends a shiver down my spine. I sip my beer to help clear my foggy brain.   
…  
I’m waiting outside for JJ to show up, he said he’d be twenty minutes. I look down at my organized to-do list, that’s two pages long. Starting with washing the stupid old walls so that We can paint. I've decided on a boho theme, to keep it rustic but new aged. More pastels and plants, tying in with the beachfront. Diana helped last night, after the boys dance showdown. She also volunteered to help paint with JJ and I, John B too. I see JJ’s truck pull in, the bed of it covered with a tarp. He parks close to the entrance, easier to unpack and pack up again. He steps out, and my mouth goes dry at the sight. He’s shirtless, and the sunlight is shining off his shiny torso. I feel the heat roll over my body, and I take a small step back.   
“Hey” He waves quickly before he retreats to the bed of his truck, pulling off the tarp. I shake my head, and scold myself for my childish behavior.   
“Thanks again for doing this” I say as he hops into his bed.   
“Stop thanking me, seriously” He grins before pulling backward. His muscles bulge as he pulls the large pressure washer to the edge of the truck. He jumps down and pulls out a ramp.   
“Do you need help?” I offer, my eyes glued to his arms. His face contorts with concentration, and he shakes his head. He finally pulls it down, and onto the ground. He jumps back in grabbing the extension hose.   
“Could you grab this” He asks my eyes stuck on him, he wiggles his hand out, and I stumble forward still dazed. What was wrong with me, it’s not like I’ve never seen a bare chest before, and I’ve seen his bare chest before too. I grab the extension as he jumps back out. The Pressure washer has wheels so he drags it to the front entrance and I follow behind. I notice a large scar on his right side, I follow it and it leads to bellow his waistline. The scar is jagged and wide, making my stomach turn violently. He places the pressure washer down and stands straight, making me quickly look away from the scar.   
“So, this is pretty powerful so I could do it” He turns to me, some sweat has gathered on his forehead.   
“You don’t think I’m strong enough?” I ask, he chuckles looking me up and down. I blush as he licks his lips looking back at my face.   
“Be my guest, you’ll probably do a better job than me” He smiles and I can feel the desire pool inside me again. He starts attaching the hose, that leads to what looks like a gun, and he hands that part to me. He plugs in the machine, and it makes a loud hissing noise that fills the space around us.   
“Okay, so just press the trigger when you’re ready” He yells over the overpowering noise. “And be careful of the kickback” He adds, standing back a bit. I nod facing the tip of the nozzle towards the wall. I square my shoulder and press the button. The kickback is stronger than I expected, so It pulls my shoulder back, making me skid forward and then back as the water shoots out. I fall on my ass, the water spraying everywhere. JJ’s there in a second pulling the gun like hose thing out of my hand, the water shut off with a loud click. He looks down at me with wide eyes, and I huff laying fully on the floor.   
“I don’t want to hear it” I comment the hissing sound gone. I catch his gaze, and I can’t help but mimic the smile on his face. We both start laughing loudly, my stomach cramping. He extends his hand and I take it pulling myself off the floor.   
“I am not doing that again” I say, and he smiles, his chuckle low.   
“I have lots of practice so don’t beat yourself up about it” He smirks amused, I shove him. I pull at my tank top and squeeze the excess water out of it. His eyes land on my tank top and I notice it’s see-through, my rust-colored bathing suit standing out against it. He looks away and runs a hand through his hair.   
“I’m gonna start” He says, and I nod. I watch as he pulls the trigger smoothly, his muscles tense as he behind aiming the water at the top of the wall. I move to the counter, looking over my list again, like I haven’t memorized it. I quickly check-off clean the walls and smile happily.   
…  
“Favourite food?” JJ asks, as he pops some popcorn in his mouth. I take a sip of my Pepsi, as he turns to face me.   
“Definitely shrimp tacos,” I say, he chuckles   
“Obvious” JJ remarks making me nudge him with my shoulder.   
“You did not guess that” I huff, he nods   
“You’ve been obsessed with Shrimp tacos since you first tried them” He says “Remember we snuck onto the Ferry to try that food truck Hunter was always bragging about” He adds  
“Shit, ya” I remember, he smiles.   
“Okay then that would make your favorite food Pizza,” I say, he chuckles  
“Yes, I still love pizza, who doesn’t” He shrugs. I grab a handful of the popcorn shoving it into my mouth. I stare at the wall that JJ just finished washing, I can actually see the difference.   
“The place is actually brighter” I comment tilting my head, he hums in response.   
“Well it hasn’t been cleaned since your dad bought it” JJ laughs, I nod. “How's your shoulder by the way” He turns to me.   
“Fine, my ego’s the only thing I really hurt” I say, he laughs, his eyes shining. I hear a knock, and we both turn to spot who it is. John B stands staring at the puddle on the floor.   
“Welcome in” I call, he looks up confused. “We washed the walls” I explain and we both stand.   
“It looks bright in here” John B comments, I high five JJ.   
“That's the whole point of cleaning the walls bud” JJ slaps his shoulder.   
“I’m glad I came after everything was done, I hate the pressure washer” John B laughs   
“You missed me falling on my ass trying to work it” I tell him, JJ chuckles and I shove him.   
“She flew back” JJ adds, and John B laughs loudly.   
“Anyway” I look at JJ and he laughs again “What’s up?” I ask. John B Leans against the counter, his face kind of pained.   
“I need some advice” He says, and we nod in unison. I jump up onto the counter, letting my legs swing.   
“You guys can’t bring it up in front of Diana,” He says his eyes on me  
“I won’t” I promise, he nods running a hand through his hair.   
“Diana is kind of talking about marriage and kids” He says, and my eyes widen. I wasn’t expecting this conversation. I turn to JJ who has the same look on his face.   
“Exactly” John B points out.  
“Are you just assuming because she’s a girl” I ask. John B cracks his knuckles and shakes his head.   
“She said she wants kids before thirty and she wants to be married before she has kids” John B divulges  
“That's pretty conservative” I comment more to myself than to him   
“So what’s the issue man?” JJ interjects, shifting so that his side is almost between my legs.   
“I’m kind of panicking” He exclaims, his eyes wide. I can tell he’s nervous by how shifty he’s acting.   
“Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right” I advise “I’m sure she’ll understand that you need more time” I add, he shakes his head.   
“She won’t” He sighs, and I shake my head   
“How do you know?” I ask, he seems so stressed   
“She’s easy going with everything, but I know she really means this” He looks at me with serious eyes.   
“Do you see yourself being ready?” JJ asks him   
“How are you suppose to know?” He retorts, his face contorting like he licked something sour.   
“People say you just know” JJ shrugs, and John B’s face falls.   
“That’s bullshit” John B mutters, and JJ shrugs again   
“If you’re panicking then you don’t want to get married” I say, and his eyes widen, even JJ gives me a weird look. “What, it’s true, apprehension is the ultimate tell” I remark.   
“So you think the finest bit of hesitation automatically means no?” JJ asks  
“I think it means something, and he shouldn’t rush into it” I explain   
“I agree, but I think there’s something else.” JJ says turning his attention back to John B “What's really fucking with you?” JJ asks him, and John B sighs loudly.   
“Nothing, just the pressure of it all” John B Shrugs looking down at his shoes. I know he’s lying, there is something else. I can tell by the way his eyes shift away from us.   
“You can tell us” I urge, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.   
“I have to go, Dee’s waiting for me to pick her up” John B pulls away, his tone stiff.   
“John B” I call, but he shrugs again.   
“It’s fine I’ll talk to you guys tonight at the bonfire” He smiles and waves before rushing back out the door. I stare after him confused at his reaction. I look over at JJ, who doesn’t look that confused.   
“What was that?” I ask, JJ sighs pushing away from the counter.   
“He gets like that” JJ shrugs and I huff   
“What does that mean?” I ask confused, he turns back to me.   
“If I tell you this you can’t just bring it up to him, you have to let him tell you” JJ explains, his eyes blaring into mine.   
“Okay” I nod  
“You know how Sarah and him broke up right before graduation” He starts, Sarah’s name catches me off guard.   
“Ya” I nod, my curiosity growing.   
“Well she left right after graduation and it broke John B” JJ confesses, I nod. “She came back a year later, told him she missed him and she that she couldn’t live without him. It took him about a week to forgive her and he fell right back into it with her” JJ explains  
“Then what?” I ask, as JJ huffs scratching the back of his neck.   
“Then she left again after a year, overnight she left him a fucking note” JJ says, and my eyes widen with shock. “She came back two years later the same thing again, but she only stayed for two months” JJ adds, and I groan   
“He took her back?” I ask   
“He loves her Kie” JJ says and I flinch.   
“The last time he saw her was three years ago,” JJ says  
“He was with Diana three years ago” I comment, JJ nods.   
“He told Diana he needed time to figure things out, that she meant a lot to him” I can’t really process all this information. “He ended up sleeping with Sarah, and then she left right after with no goodbye this time” I cringe, my stomach dropping.   
“Diana took him back two months after, and they’ve been great ever since.” JJ finishes, I nod   
“Shit, I didn’t know” I say to myself for more than to JJ, who nods.   
“He swears he’s done with Sarah, but…” He stops, his eyes saying the rest.   
“Do you think this is about Sarah?” I ask, he bites on his lower lip.   
“I think he doesn’t want to settle down because deep down he’s worried that if she comes back, he’ll take her back” JJ admits and I let the honesty of the words sink in.   
“Can I ask something else?” I ask, he nods “Does he love Diana?” I ask. I notice his face drop, and my stomach sinks.   
“He loves her, but Sarah and he are entangled in this weird web” He explains, and I nod   
“That’s not healthy” I comment, JJ nods   
“I hope if she does show up he doesn’t run back to her” JJ retorts, his face hard.   
“It was bad ya?” I ask, he sighs, his face softening slightly.   
“He was pretty wrecked until Dee” JJ comments and I nod   
“She’s pretty great” I agree, he chuckles  
“Well he has us if she does come back” I tell him, he turns his eyes catching mine “We’ll kick her ass, and his if he tries to fuck things up with Dee” I explain. JJ’s face morphs into something unbearably soft, it makes my heart skip. His eyes move over my face slowly, as he licks his lips before moving back up to my eyes.   
“We have you back now, so I’m sure we’ll be fine” He says quietly.


	5. Pope

Mom’s voice echos in my head loudly. It reminds me of a dark empty hallway, or maybe a funhouse mirror. I stare off, my eyes catching the blue and white vase. The flowers are wilting and petals fill the counter under it. I notice one of the flowers still stands tall, the yellow petals bright compared to the browning ones beside it. My stomach clenches tightly, and I feel the well-acquainted feeling of nausea hit me. My stomach twists tighter, and I let out a small breath of air, like it might help.   
“Kiara” Mom’s voice starts again, I spring my gaze to her. The tears are still in her eyes, and she quickly wipes at them, her mascara smudging. She scrunches her face up as a fresh wave of tears hit her.   
“Kiara” She says again, her voice watery, I nod to show her I’m listening. I’m too scared I might scream if I open my mouth.   
“Please tell me how you feel” She cries and I take a deep breath, my skin burning. I move my eyes to meet her sad ones and I feel like I’m falling, unable to stop it, or get back up. My dad is dying, and I don’t know what to do about it.   
“I’m fine” I blurt, and then it’s like a giant steel wall shuts inside of me, and I do feel fine again. She sniffles wiping at her eyes again.   
“it's okay if you’re not” She nods at me, like that’s enough to make me burst in tears. The numbness spreads over me, and again I just nod.  
“We knew this would happen, why waste the rest of the time crying” I state simply. Her face freezes almost in mid cry, and she looks down at her lap. I push the chair back, and it squeaks loudly.   
“I have to go to work,” I tell her, she nods, still staring at her lap. I hear her loud sobs as I walk to the door, my gut twitches but I continue walking, needing to get the fuck out of this house. I sit down, my seats burning hot, but I let myself sink lower into them. I clutch the steering wheel tightly, my knuckles turning white. I feel the bubble inside me building, and when it breaks I scream loudly. My fingers are still gripping the wheel, as I try to catch my breath, leaning my head forward. I could feel the pain simmering low in my stomach, but I quickly shove it down and shake out my hands. I turn the car on and start driving.   
…  
Diana’s waiting outside for me. She has a pair of pain-splattered overalls on, and a big bin beside her. She waves and quickly stands as I walk over to her.   
“Hey” She smiles   
“Hi” I smile back opening the door.   
“You okay?” She asks and I turn to her confused. Did I have an emotional wreck tattooed on my forehead?   
“Fine” I smile brightly, she smiles back and nods. I help her carry her bin inside, it’s heavy.   
“So John B might be a bit late, he’s stuck on the phone with someone about a shipment” Diana says as I head behind the counter to grab my list and designs.   
“That's okay” I nod, and she turns looking at the walls   
“You guys already primed” She states   
“JJ did it,” I tell her, she turns and smirks.   
“He’s great” She comments walking towards me. She leans against the counter, her eyes on mine.   
“Ya” I laugh at her antics, she shrugs.   
“You know they talk about you all the time” She says, and I place the clipboard down in front of her.   
“Do they?” I quip, she nods   
“The elusive Kie, especially JJ” She exclaims, moving her hands wildly.   
“Oh” I breath, she tilts her head, as her eyes move over me.   
“Anyway, let me see these designs” She cheers grabbing the clipboard with all the samples. Her eyes scan over the paper, and she nods to herself.   
“I love the pastel Idea,” She says her eyes glued to the paper In front of her   
“Thanks,” I say proudly, she nods again.   
“Okay so I’m thinking we start by painting the first coat, it’ll probably need three coats” She comments looking up at me now, I nod.   
“Then I can do the mural wall, while JJ, JB, and you do that white wooden statement wall” She explains pointing behind her.   
“Perfect” I cheer, she giggles. “Okay, we are two perfectly capable woman who shouldn’t wait for the men to start” She winks at me, metaphorically rolling up her selves.   
“Yes bitch” I respond making her laugh loudly. We start on the longest wall, deciding that it’s probably best to do it first. I bought three extension handles for the rollers, so Diana starts with that while I begin on the boarders.   
“Sorry I’m late” In walks JJ, his hair is mused, and he’s carrying a stack of what looks like fabric under his arm.   
“What’s that?” I ask intrigued, he smiles placing the stack on the countertop.   
“I have an idea,” He says   
“Oh shit” Diana laughs, and I snort laughing along.   
“Funny” He glares, and then he picks up one of the fabric pieces and walks towards me. “I thought that it would be cool to have a wall filled with these fabrics, opposite to the wooden wall” He says handing me the sample. I stare at the rusty orange swirled fabric, shocked at how much I love it.   
“You have taste?” I ask “Since when” He glares and Diana chuckles.   
“I’m taking that as a yes on the fabric” He takes the sample out of my hand, and I nod.   
“Wheres John B?” JJ turns to Diana who’s reaching upward.   
“On a call with a supplier or shipment” She mutters kinda distractedly, I notice JJ looks confused. The conversation from yesterday about Sarah plays in my head.   
“Can I ask you something” Diana turns to me, I nod dipping my paintbrush in the pain.   
“Are you a marriage person?” She asks, and I look at her confused “I mean do you one day want to get married?” She reiterates. I hesitate, and paint a long strip on the border to buy me some time.   
“When I was younger I did, now I think of it differently” I finally tell her, she arches her eyebrow at me in question. “I’ve seen things now, you get older, I guess more realistic” I try to explain, she turns back to the wall a blank expression on her face.  
“I’m not saying marriage is terrible, I’m just saying I don’t know” I backpedal, she nods giving me a small smile. “Why, are you a marriage person?” I ask like I don’t already know the answer.   
“Ya,” She nods “I’m pretty traditional when it comes to that, which is weird considering my outlook on life” She chuckles.   
“I’ve seen a good marriage you know and it makes me believe in it” She explains  
“Your parents?” I asked her, she hesitates, rolling the paint roller higher on the wall. “No, my mom died when I was twelve, and I never knew my dad,” She says, and my heart drops   
“I’m so sorry Dee,” I say, she shrugs   
“It’s okay, the perfect marriage was my aunt and uncle” She smiles blissfully “They took me in after” She explains, I nod slowly. “What's the story?” I ask   
“Well my aunt was kind of an emotional wreck, my grandparents were terrible, abusive actually. She starts, and a sudden image of JJ’s scarred back pops into my head. “She used drinking and other things to help get over what her parents did to her, and then she fell in love” She turns to me a smile on her face.   
“And it saved her?” I asked, she laughs and shakes her head   
“No, actually he was also abusive, but he only started showing that after they got married, his name was Frank” Diana explains, my eyes widen   
“She had fallen out with her best friend Greg, friends since childhood. You know like you and JB, and JJ” She points behind her to JJ, I nod. “Anyway, she had fallen out with him when she started drinking and being stupid, but Frank and her moved back home to her parent's house, after they died.” She dips the roller in the paint before continuing. “Turns out Greg never left home, he was working as a landscaper, and they ran into each other at the grocery store” She smiles wistfully   
“He saved her?” I offer, she shakes her head.   
“Greg helped, he showed her that Frank was just another way for her to make sense of what her parents did to her” She explains “She always says he was the first person that made her love herself, but he didn’t save her.” She says I nod “Greg left, said he had to explore since he’s never left blah blah, and after he left she finally left Frank. I think it was the straw that broke the camels back.” She laughs, I sit intrigued.   
“So She started painting instead of being self-destructive, she could hardly make rent, she had two jobs, but she was finally happy with herself.” She looks at me now, her eyes glossy.   
“What happened after that?” I ask  
“Greg came back two years later, and they fell back in love” She finishes, and my jaw drops.   
“After all of that?” I ask, she nods   
“Isn’t that a bit…” I can’t find the right word but she chuckles.   
“They were always in love Kie, it was just timing. Timing is a bitch” She says almost pained. I wonder if she’s referring to Sarah and John B.   
“So you want that?” I ask her   
“I want the ending, everyone's middle is different” She says.   
“Does love always have to be so complicated?” I huff to myself.   
“I think we make it complicated with all the restrictions we put on it.” She counters “We’re always like that won't work, no we can’t blah blah” She explains, I nod   
“Maybe it is complicated though” I defend, she gives me a weird look.   
“You could spend your whole life wanting someone and forcing yourself to never pursuit it, for whatever reasons you have, and when it happens anyway you’ll end up hating yourself for wasting so much time” She proclaims.   
“I thought you were supposed to be painting” John B’s voice suddenly booms over us, we both turn, and I spot JJ who’s staring in our direction.   
“I was telling her about Jillian and Greg” Diana explains, her smile fond. John B smiles back, a soft sweet smile.   
“That story again?” He huffs mockingly, she groans turning back to the wall.   
“It’s romantic, not like you would know what that means” She quips making me smile.   
“I’m romantic” He defends she shakes her head. He walks up to her, and they continue arguing about romance, it’s very cheesy. My eyes drift to JJ, who’s now staring at the ground, his eyebrows knitted together in concern.   
…  
We’re all sitting in a circle on the floor, our arms change from holding the paintbrushes all day. Dee is hunches against John B, paint splattered all over her Overalls and arms. John B is probably the cleanest, just having some splatters on his face. JJ has paint dribbled all over, his arms have small dots covering them, it’s hard to look away. I’m probably the worse off, I have paint covering me from head to toe, I don’t even know-how. JJ leans back on his arms, his head falling back, the sight sends a shiver through me.   
“I’m starving” he moans, and my cheeks heat.   
“Same” Diana sits up, her eyes on me. “You know what I could go for?” She asks “Tacos’ She finishes and I look at JJ who’s chuckling to himself.   
“What?” John B asks, I shove him and he laughs harder.   
“Nothing” I insist, he just nods along with me. “I’m down for some Tacos” I tell Diana, who smiles happily.   
“Knock Knock” Someone calls, we all turn, and my jaw drops. Pope is standing at the door, a smirk on his face. JJ is the first to jump up, rushing over to pull him into a tight hug. Pope’s smile widens as they spin around still holding each other. John B stands and rushes over pulling Pope in for a hug. I stare shocked. Pope looks more refined now, his beard is cut nicely and he’s wearing what looks like a very expensive suit. His hair is cut short, and he’s wearing a very smart pair of glasses. Diana gets up and walks over a smile on her face.   
“Dee” Pope smiles hugging her lightly.  
“Love the suit” Diana giggles. I’m still sitting, my eyes glued to Pope. When he pulls away from Diana his eyes move to mine, a wide smile popping back onto his face.   
“If I remember correctly its Kiara right” Pope remarks making me smile. I stand, as he walks towards me, the shock still evident on my face.   
“I don’t believe what I’m seeing,” I say, looking over him again, he pops the collar of his shirt and makes, what I’m assuming is supposed to be a suave face. He pulls me in for a hug, and I clutch at him, he smells the same as I remember.   
“I’m in shock” I say, and his chuckle vibrates through me.   
“I want to note she wasn’t like this with either of us” JJ remarks, making Pope laugh and pull away.   
“You guys don’t look as good as me” Pope comments, making JJ snort and I laugh.   
“I can’t believe you’re back” He turns to me, his eyes bright.   
“Same” I nod, his eyes move over me. “I can’t believe this suit” I add, and he grins   
“I’m full Kook” He grins and I shove him.   
“So I want to know everything,” I tell him  
“It’s pretty boring” JJ comment and Pope glares but his eyes are amused.   
“First food” I say as Pope drapes his arm over me. I notice him looking around, his eyes wide.   
“Oh I own the place now” I tell him as we all start walking out to the cars.   
“Seriously?” He asks, I nod.   
“That's great Kie” He smiles down at me “I heard about your dad, how is he?” He asks, and my smile falters slightly as the news for earlier replays in my head.   
“He’s tough” Is all I say, he nods pulling me closer.   
“He is” He agrees, and I lean my head on him, relishing in his comforting hug. I notice the black coupé sports car parked beside JJ’s truck.   
“Nice car,” I say, he groans   
“Ellie rented it,” He says, and I stare shocked   
“Ellie?” I ask, he laughs   
“I’ll tell you at dinner” He says and I grin.  
…  
We all decided to go to John B’s like old times while Diana offered to make Tacos. Now we’re sitting on the porch, while Pope tells me everything I’ve missed.   
“How was eight years of school” I laugh sipping my water, he smiles.   
“You know after it was over I felt screwed,” He says, and I laugh   
“I’m serious you get so used to doing what you're told and then you have to do things yourself” He comments, I nod.   
“You've always been such a freak” JJ comments slapping him on the shoulder, Pope pushes him.   
“Sorry I like school” He says, making us all laugh.   
“So now I’m working at UCHealth memorial hospital” He tells me, I widen my eyes dramatically and he laughs.   
“So you’re a coroner?” I say, he nods.   
“Feels weird to look at you now and say that,” I say  
“Still Feels weird to say it at all” He muses  
“Okay I really want to hear about Ellie” I say sitting straighter, he blushes.   
“Ellie and I met last year,” He says, and I turn to John B and JJ   
“Have you guys met her or?” I ask. I know Pope comes down to visit his parents every year.   
“We’ve heard of her, haven’t seen her though” John B says, I nod turning back to Pope.   
“Ya, we met at a hospital function, her parents own a huge part of the hospital” He says, his cheeks pinking up.   
“So she’s loaded? You didn’t tell us that!” JJ says and I shove him, he shrugs.   
“She’s well ofF ya” He remakes a bit embarrassed   
“Okay, what’s she like?” I ask, he smiles to himself and it makes me smile.   
“She’s beautiful and sweet” He says, I nod urging him on “I don’t know you guys can see when you meet her” He shrugs and JJ claps his hands.   
“When?” John B asks   
“I was thinking of having a small thing at the place I’m staying at,” He says, and my eyes widen   
“You’re not saying with your parents?” I ask   
“Ellie has a lot of luggage and she wants to rent a place since we’re here for a week” He explains, and I nod.   
“Sounds Rich” JJ comments, and Pope glares.   
“No rich comments when you meet her” Pope insists his eyes only on JJ, who nods.   
“I won’t, last one I promise” He raises his hands, Pope nods.   
“Now your turn” He turns to me and I stare confused. “I want to know about the Peace Corps” He explains, I nod. So I tell him about all the traveling and assignments I did, for some reason I leave out Kwame. I basically give him the highlighted ten years, if I’m honest the only person I told was JJ for whatever reason…  
…  
I stop by dad’s room before I head to Popes to meet Ellie. He’s smiling at the TV, the puzzle we’re doing on his side table. He hears me and turns his smile now on me.   
“You look beautiful” He smiles looking over me.   
“Thank you, I dressed up” I tell him looking down at my Purple sundress.   
“You excited to meet her?” He asks, his voice hoarse.   
“Ya, Pope tells us he’s in love” I say moving to sit down beside him.   
“Pope has a tendency to have blinders on” Dad laughs and the memory burns in my head  
~  
“Pope, you don’t like me” I say, my voice high and choppy, his eyes are glossy and filled with sadness.   
“You can’t tell me if I like you” He defends, his voice low, my stomach drops.   
“I think you’re confused, we wouldn’t work” I urge him, reaching out to touch his arm, but he steps back. He’s wasted and he just admitted to having feelings for me, he said he loved me actually.   
“We would work, you just..” He falls short, and I shake my head. “We’re looking for different things” I exclaim, trying not to think of JJ who’s standing behind us and watching. John B is off somewhere with Sarah.   
“I could want what you want” He whispers, and guilt wraps around me like a blanket.   
“You don’t change for someone you love Pope” I explain “I want to travel and have adventures. You want to go to school and become a coroner” I point out, he shakes his head.   
“I could do adventures” He slurs, his tone frantic   
“No, Pope please your drunk” I say reaching out again, he looks at me with glossy wide eyes.   
“Why don’t you want me like that?” He asks, and I close my eyes running a hand through my hair.   
“I just don’t Pope, I want something different” I reiterate, his face falls   
“I’m sorry” I add.   
“You won’t even try” He says, and I can see the tears in his eyes. My heart feels like it's being squeezed. I decide then to reach for him, he lets me. I pull him closer, and before I know it I touch his lips with mine. He seems shocked, but then he’s pulling me closer kissing me with vigor. The kiss falls short, it doesn't make me want to pull him against me, it makes me want to run as fast as possible away. When we break apart, his eyes are wide and my stomach twists.   
“See, it’s not supposed to feel like that” I tell him pulling away, his eyes burn suddenly.   
“I felt it” He says, and I stare up at him shocked. I didn’t know how he could feel something when the kiss was so anticlimactic on my part.   
“Pope” I murmur, his grip is back on my waist as he pulls me in, his lips lightly against mine.   
~  
“Ya, he does get blinders” I say, the memory so vivid. Dad smiles brightly at me, making me blush.   
“They all kind of had a thing for you right,” Dad asks and I laugh at his boldness   
“That’s not true,” I say, he tilts his head   
“They didn’t, just because Pope got confused,” I say, dad, chuckles softly.   
“I’m leaving” I huff, and he nods his eyes amused.   
“I’ll be late but I’ll be here when you wake up so we can finish that stupid puzzle” I point at the damn thing, he nods.   
“Have fun” He smiles and I lean down to kiss his cheek lightly.   
“Love you” I call  
“Love you” He calls after me. I pass mom on the stairs, she’s bringing up food.   
“You look very beautiful” Mom says her eyes scanning over me.   
“Thanks” I smile, she smiles back   
“Say hi to Pope for me,” Mom says, I nod.


	6. Ellie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Kooks and Pogues just don't mix, can Kie try for Pope's sake?

The party is bigger than I expected, and The place Pope rented with Ellie is huge. I stare up at the large house, my jaw dropped. I’m holding a simple bouquet of flowers, and I’m standing at a house twice the size of my parent's house. I hadn’t realized Ellie was this well off.   
“I’m definitely underdressed” I hear JJ’s voice behind me, I turn. He’s wearing a simple pair of black shorts with a clean white tee.   
“I don’t even know what you’d wear to this” I point back to the house, he smiles and it makes my stomach flip. His eyes roam over me gently, before landing back on my face.   
“You look beautiful” He says, and I suddenly feel flustered. I don’t think I’ve ever heard JJ use the word beautiful.   
“Thank you” I smile blushing slightly. He falls in step with me as we start towards the big house.   
“Hey” We hear a familiar voice, we turn and spot John B and Diana walking towards us. Diana’s holding a bottle of wine, her eyes glued to the house.   
“She really is rick” John B comments, JJ nods.   
“Jesus imagine renting this place for a week” Diana huffs, making me laugh. She moves away from John B and interlocks out arms.   
“You think she’ll be snobby?” Diana asks, I shake my head a small smile on my face.   
“Money doesn’t always make you snobby” I say, and She laughs.   
“Just mostly” I add, making her laugh harder. We get to the front door, and I stop JJ from knocking.   
“No talking about money” I point to John B and JJ, who look at me wide-eyed “I'm serious” I say, they nod. I knock gently on the door, stepping back. The big wooden door is pulled open, and we’re met with someone in a tuxedo holding a tray.   
“Not a good start” JJ whispers and I nudge him smiling at the waiter.   
“Just follow the hall down, all the guests are outside” The guy says, his voice monotone. I remember hating catering events like this, so I give him another small smile.   
“This is a lot more people than I thought” John B says as we pass an older couple, who wear matching blue shirts.   
“Ya I thought it would be just us” I agree. When we walk out, my jaw drops. People are scattered all over the lawn, all of them dressed like they're attending a polo match. All of us freeze, feeling completely underdressed, and awkward. I spot Pope than with a wide smile on his face coming towards us.   
“Hey” He smiles widely pulling me into a hug, before making his way down the line.   
“This is, nice” I comment, but my voice is tense, and he notices   
“Sorry Ellie has a lot of friends and family here, so she wanted It to be a bit bigger” He says, and I nod smiling.   
“So where is the anomaly that’s dating Pope Heyward” JJ asks, his tone joking.   
“Fuck off” Pope chuckles, and turns to look around the crowd.   
“Ellie” Pope calls, his voice calm. A very beautiful brunette pushes her way through the crowd. She’s wearing a tight black dress that hugs her figure. She has her hair down in soft curls, with a small silver flower headband. Her smile is wide, and her eyes are bright as she walks towards us. Her hand automatically reaches for Pope, who’s smiling lovingly down at her.   
“It is so great to meet all of you” Ellie says. She even sounds sophisticated, the words melting off her tongue.   
“Hi, I’m Kiara” I extend my hand, offering her a surprised smile. She looks down at my hand before she shakes it slowly, her smile never faltering.   
“Diana” Diana introduces shaking her hand gently as well, she stops at the boys, her smile becoming more of a smirk.   
“John B, and JJ” She quips, her smooth voice floating around us.   
“Nice to meet you” John B extends his hand, she lets out a small giggle, and shakes his hand. She turns her eyes onto JJ, her eyes roaming over him.   
“That makes you JJ” She remarks  
“Last time I checked” He responded, and she giggles again shaking his hand.   
“It feels like I already know you all, Pope talks about you enough” She says moving back into Pope’s arms.   
“This place is gorgeous” Diana smiles at her  
“Yes, It does the job” She says, and I bite my tongue. “We were actually looking into buying it, for a summer home” She adds, her eyes on Pope now.   
“Really” JJ comments  
“Looking into it” Pope says nodding. The conversation tumbles off there, as Ellie rushes off to welcome more guests.   
“She’s a bit scattered when it comes to party planning” Pope defends   
“She seems great” I smile, he smiles back.   
“Dude why didn’t you tell us you were getting a summer house here?” JJ asks, his eyes wide   
“Her parents want to buy it for us, and it’s dependent on something so I didn’t want to bring it up” Pope whispers   
“Depended on what?” John B asks  
“It’ll be an engagement gift” Pope says his cheeks tinting pink.   
“Are you planning on asking her?” John B asked him, Pope hesitates.   
“I wanted you guys to meet her first” He says, and I coo pulling him into a hug.   
“Shut up” He says making them laugh.   
“This probably isn’t the best setting for us to get to know her,” I say, and he nods   
“Ya, this is more for her” He shrugs and I smile. “She’s a party planner,” He says   
“Well she’s good” Diana says and Pope’s smile widens immensely.  
“Pope darling” Ellie calls, and Pope holds up a finger before turning back to me.   
“You guys mingle” He tells us before rushing off towards Ellie.   
“I need a drink” I say, and they all nod in unison. We end up staying till the end, which is very hard because this party is boring and we don’t see Pope or Ellie all night. Finally after the last guest leaves Pope shows up.   
“Thank you guys for staying” He smiles, and John B nods patting his back gently. So we all move to the patio with our drinks. Ellie sits down, besides Pope looking nervous.   
“Did you guys enjoy yourselves?” She asks poshly.   
“Ya it was great, and I love the ice-sculpture” Diana smiles kindly, Ellie’s face lights up and she claps her hands together.   
“Isn’t it just perfect! If you ever want to spice up a gathering get an ice sculpture, people love it” She squeals happily, it makes me smile along.   
“You know what I’m dying to know how you two met” I interject, kind of wanting to speed up the process of icebreakers. I notice JJ smirk, and I smile to myself.   
“Oh it’s a cute story” She smiles squeezing Pope’s forearm. “So I was at the hospital meeting my father, he’s a surgeon” She explained “I bumped into him, and he made me drop my latte all over the floor. He was so flustered and apologetic.” She coos happily   
“I hadn’t slept for forty-eight hours” Pope interjects making us laugh   
“Anyway, at the time I was so upset, since he had gotten coffee all over my white stilettos, but how can you stay mad at this face” She squeaks, squeezing Pope's face.   
“He does have a very squishy face” JJ nods in agreement, Making John B laugh loudly.   
“So he followed me to the bathroom apologizing on repeat, and I finally agreed to a date, and the rest is history” She smiles  
“Way to bagger a date out of her man” John B laughs leaning forward to pat Pope’s knee.   
“I’m good at badgering, sue me” He remarks making me giggle.   
“What about you two, how did you meet?” She looks between JJ and I and I stare mouth open at her.   
“We’re not together” JJ says, an amused smile on his face “But we met in the third grade” He adds, and it makes me relax into my seat.   
“Oh sorry I just assumed” She giggles   
“It’s fine” I reply   
“See how much you talk about us man” JJ jokes, and pope chuckles shrugging.   
“You two are together though, right?” She points at Diana and John B, who are snuggled together.   
“No, defiantly not” John B shakes his head making us laugh “I’m kidding, yes” He adds quickly when Ellie looks very confused.   
“Oh, okay” She nods apprehensively   
“Tip, we’re all very sarcastic,” I tell her, she nods, a look of disdains on her face that she quickly shakes away. The rest of the night goes by okay, it’s riddled with jokes that don’t land on Ellie. She seems very stiff, and proper which isn’t bad, just hard to see where she fits right now. Maybe she just needs time to warm up. Pope walks us out, while Ellie waves goodbye.   
“Thanks again for staying so late” Pope tells us, his arm going around me.   
“No problemo” I say making him chuckle.   
“I know she can seem a little..” He starts  
“Stiff’ I suggest, he nods   
“Ya, stiff. She’s just not used to Pogue style” He explains, and I notice John B giving JJ a wide-eyed look.   
“Hey man if your happy” JJ smiles, and Pope nods softly.   
“I am,” He says, and I push him lightly   
“Someones in love” I coo, making them laugh.   
“Fuck off” he remarks blushing again.   
“Hey, bring her to a Pogue style barbecue tomorrow,” John B says  
“Hey, I wasn’t even invited to that” I joke “Kidding, I know I’m always invited” I wink at John B, and he lets out a soft laugh.   
“Okay, just text me the details,” Pope says, John B nods. He turns and starts walking back to the house.   
“I don’t like her,” John B says quietly  
“JB” Diana scolds making me laugh   
“I’m sorry, she just gives me a weird vibe” He shrugs, and I turn to JJ, who’s looking down at the ground.   
“What do you think?” I ask him, he looks up.   
“I think it’s too early to tell, but for now I agree with John B” He says, his tone weary, like I might scold him.   
“I still think it’s early” I say, and Diana nods in agreement.   
“So we wait before we say something” JJ says, and we all nod in agreement. We all say good-bye before walking to our cars. I guess I agreed with getting a weird feeling from Ellie. Maybe it was just her nerves, but she seemed uninterested. My mind quickly changed to that weird look exchanged between John B and JJ. Maybe they knew something I didn’t. I make a note to ask JJ about it tomorrow.   
…  
JJ’s picking me up for the barbecue, since I’ve decided I’m probably going to drink, a lot. Plus he offered and honestly I didn’t want to say no. I’m waiting outside, white wine in hand. Diana called me telling me how she learned Ellie only drinks white wine. I told her I’d pick some up, so she didn’t have to go to the store. I actually just took it from my mom’s stash. JJ’s truck pulls in and I stand, wiping my palms on my cut-offs. I hop into the passenger seat.   
“Sorry I’m late, John B asked me to pick up some white wine, and I had to ask someone which one to get because I’ve never had white wine in my life” JJ says as I buckle my seatbelt. I laugh, and he blushes pulling out of the driveway.   
“I brought some too, Dee told me Ellie only drinks White wine so I offered” I hold up my bottle, and JJ chuckles lightly to himself.   
“Who only drinks white wine?” JJ huffs, making me giggle.   
“I asked Dee that” I shrug.   
“Why do I have a feeling she’s gonna hate us” JJ looks at me, his eyes filled with amusement.   
“She’s definitely going to hate Drunk JB’s dancing” I laugh, he nods a smile stuck on his face. “Can I ask you something?” I blurt suddenly remembering the look that John B And JJ shared.   
“of course” JJ nods, his eyes still straight ahead.   
“Do you know something about Ellie I don’t?” I ask, he turns a confused look on his face. “It just looked like you and John B knew something” I explain, he looks away, his face falling slightly. He’s too quiet, so I know I was right about the look.   
“It was just something that happened before” JJ explains  
“What?” I ask  
“It happened like a month after they started dating” He adds, and I nod.   
“Just tell me” I say, and he sighs.   
“She cheated on him with her ex” JJ says finally, his voice hard.   
“What?” I huff confused. “They got over it, and he forgave her” JJ explains, his tone stiff.“That’s… I don’t know I’m shocked” I stutter, gripping the bottle of wine in my hand.   
“He forgave her Kie, you have to accept that,” JJ says, and I sigh   
“It just feels weird now, how indifferent she acts” I explain, he nods   
“We did just meet her, and Pope really likes her.” JJ tells me “We should give her a chance, we owe it to him” He adds, and I sigh because he’s right.  
“When did you become mature” I groan, and he chuckles. “I know you’re right though. Pope deserves to be happy, and If Ellie makes him happy” I nod. We pull up to the chateau, and everyone is already there.   
“Be nice” JJ says, and I shove him making him chuckle.   
“How have the tables turned and now you’re telling me to be nice?” I huff as we make out way to the back. “I guess I’m just more mature than you” He quips, and I groan “No way” I Say making him laugh. Diana is the first to spot us, and she quickly takes my hand pulling me inside. I turn back to JJ, who shrugs smiling.   
“She’s nuts” Diana says, and I stare at her wide-eyed.   
“What do you mean?” I ask   
“She’s so hard to talk to and I get along with everyone” She exclaims her tone higher than usual. I could see how she’d get along with everyone she meets.   
“What happened?” I ask placing the wine down on the counter.   
“She has commented on every one of my art pieces, she’s talked about how we should renovate and change god knows what… oh right everything” She cries annoyed.   
“Shit” I say, she nods grabbing a beer from the fridge.   
“I’m already tired and we have all night” She puts her hands up, and I nod.   
“Maybe she’s just nervous” I try, Diana gives me a stink eye making me chuckle.   
“If that’s nerves I hate it” She points outside.   
“Come on I’ll help” I tell her, she takes a chug of her beer and nods.   
“Help me bring out the appetizers” She says paying me a tray of chips and salsa. She also has grab puffs and mini quiches. I follow her out, making sure to watch my step so I don’t fall.   
“Kie” Pope calls and I wave with my free hand. I notice Ellie is wearing a deep purple body con dress and a pair of black heels. Not the ideal outfit for an outdoor barbecue. I put down the tray and go over to give Pope a small hug.   
“John B told me that you’re redoing the Wreck by yourself” Pope comment, I shrug   
“Mostly JJ honestly” I say pointing to him. He’s now sitting next to the barbecue with John B, holding a beer in his hand.   
“Ya totally all me Pope” JJ interjects, so I stick my middle finger out at him.   
“The Wreck?” Ellie asks, and I turn to her smiling   
“My restaurant” I tell her, her eyes widen and she looks me over as if my outfit would tell her if it really is my restaurant.   
“I’ve redone so many restaurants I could help with the design if you want?” She says  
“Oh I thought you are a party planner?” I ask confused, she nods   
“I helped my sister out, she’s an interior designer” She explains, I nod again.   
“I actually have the design down, but that’s so sweet of you” I smile widely, she nods. JJ gives me wide eyes and I sigh.   
“So how did you get into party planning?” I ask Ellie as Diana passes me a beer and Ellie a glass of wine. I smile at her, she nods.   
“I planned my sweet sixteen myself, and my parents invited pretty much everyone we know, and a lot of people asked me to plan gatherings and luncheons and stuff like that so it just sort of happened you know” She explains  
“Oh, that’s super cool” I respond, she nods   
“I’ve been told I’m super talented” She laughs, and I bite down on my tongue to keep my face straight.   
“You are very talented” Pope leans down to kiss her cheek, she smiles widely.   
“So how did you get into the restaurant business?” She blinks.   
“It was actually my dad’s place but he’s just gotten sick so I’m taking it over” I say, my chest aching slightly. Pope gives me a small smile.   
“Oh, so you got it because of your dad” She nods like it makes so much sense.   
“Kie was actually in the Peace Corp” Pope tells her, she turns back at me with wide eyes.   
“That makes more sense” She points at me up and down “I just get a hippy vibe from you” She giggles  
“Plus you have all guy friends” She laughs again  
“Is that a hippy thing?” I ask genuinely confused   
“Well you just seem like a surfer hippy, and It just makes sense.” She shrugs “I had this friend once, she loved to surf and she begged me to try so I said I’d try anything once” She winks at Pope and my eyes widen “Anyway I tried it and I hated it so much, like couldn’t stand it” She laughs. “I guess I’m more of a lady lady” I force a small smile on my face and nod, although I really want to walk away from her. I look at JJ, who has a small smile on his face, I glare at him.   
“Fuck you” I mouth and he laughs. I down the rest of my beer, and stand to go grab another. I hear the start of Ellie explains how she once planned a party for a celebrity that she can’t name. I grab a beer from the fridge, and lean back against the counter. I hear the screen door open, and I turn. Pope walks in, his face seems apologetic.   
“Hey” I smile  
“Hey” He leans back against the fridge.   
“I’m sorry if she offended you, she’s just very blunt,” He says, and I shake my head   
“She’s fine” I say, he nods.  
“You know it was really hard for us to forget you” Pope blurts, and I feel the words stab at my stomach.   
“I didn’t forget you guys either” I respond lightly, he looks up and his eyes are glossy.   
“School distracted me a lot I guess, but after you left I thought I’d never find someone who made me feel like you did, or I thought you did” He says, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. “I’m not saying this so you feel sorry for me Kie, or to make you feel guilty. I’m over It and honestly, you were right we would have never worked, you are far too adventurous for me” He chuckles “But I finally fully realized that because of Ellie” He finishes, I nod.   
“She can be stuck up, and tough, and hard to get to know, but I love her” He exclaims   
“I’m so happy for you Pope” I croak “And I’m sorry that I left right after everything, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t anyone” I lie, my throat aching “I needed to find myself, and I thought I had to do it away from this place, and the Pogues, but it lead me back here, back to you three” I smile, and he smiles too.   
“I’m so glad your back Kie, we all missed you” He responds, and I feel the pressure release from my chest.   
“I’m glad I’m back too, you three are my family,” I say, he chuckles   
“Pogues” He whispers   
“Pogues baby” I repeat, he grins at me, his eyes bright “And I’m happy she makes you happy. You deserve it” I add reaching for his hand. I squeeze his hand, and he squeezes mine back.


	7. Button-Up

“Fuck you guys, that is so not true” I responded, my tone hard, but I can feel the laughter bubbling inside of me.   
“You so were” Pope laughs as he continues to paint the moldings gently.   
“JJ was the hothead not me?” I quip, turning to the three of them. JJ is currently doing the Wood pallet wall, while John B and Pope are working on painting the moldings white.   
“Ya JJ got angry at everyone else, but you got mad us easily” John B says, and I place my hand on my hip, the paintbrush dripping onto my leg.   
“Sorry I worried about you losers” I retort, and all three of them laugh.   
“It’s a good thing Kie” JJ turns to me, a small smile on his lips. “We wouldn’t have lasted as long without you” JJ adds, and I smile.   
“Thank you” I turn back to the wall, a proud smile on my face.   
“Doesn't make you less of a hothead” Pope interjects making us all bust out laughing. I step carefully off the step ladder and look at the lopsided sunflower on the door.   
“I suck” I sigh placing the paintbrush in the paint can.   
“Just do a bunch to fill it out” John B moves to stand beside me.   
“You think?” I ask tilting my head  
“Ya, it’ll look artsy” He nods, making me chuckle. I wipe my hands on my pants before I turn to JJ to see how much he’s done. The wall is almost complete, and it looks really good.   
“Wow, maybe you have a career in interior design” I clap my hands. He hammers in the last board, his tongue sticking out in concentration.   
“I obviously do” He remarks after he’s done. He steps away from the wall, coming up beside me.   
“Thanks” I smile at him, he nods, pushing his hair back.   
“So I’m thinking white or copper” JJ says, and I notice a large cut down his arm.   
“Jesus JJ” I take his arm. He tries to pull it back but I hold onto it tightly.   
“It’s probably just a scratch from the pallet” He explains, and I nod.   
“Come on I have disinfectant in the back” I order him, he sighs and I pull him along with me. I drop his hand once we’re at the office and I quickly grab my bag. I pull out my small first aid kit, and his eyes widen.   
“Sit” I say pushing the chair to him, he sits reluctantly. I kneel down beside him, and I notice an uneasy look on his face.   
“Still hate being taken care of I see” I comment taking his hand gently. I start wiping away the blood dripping down his arm.   
“It’s just a scratch” He responds, I look up at him, eyebrow arched. I sigh reaching over to grab my disinfectant and some gauze. I place some Neosporin on it before I bandage it.   
“There, done” I stand, he nods, and I notice the blush on his cheeks. “Thanks,” He says, and turns   
“JJ?” I call, he turns this time his eyebrow arched in question.   
“Take this, for later after you shower or something,” I say handing him the first aid kit, he stares down at my outstretched hand. “Take it” I order, and so he does. He leaves, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. When I get back out, the boys are laughing loudly, and JJ’s flushed face is gone.   
…  
Dad and I are watching die-hard one of his favorite movies, on the couch, while Mom is out to meet one of her friends. Dad laughs loudly, a look of wonder on his face. I remember watching this movie when I was younger and completely hating it, maybe I just didn’t get it. Dad still made us watch it every year at Christmas. I smile as he laughs quietly, clutching his mug of tea in both of his hands. I take a sip from my mug, and move my eyes back on the TV. The doorbell sounds suddenly, and I sit up confused.   
“I don’t know” Dad says as I stand to go answer it. I pull open the door, and there stands JJ, his hands in his pockets.   
“Hi” I smile  
“Hey, sorry was I interrupting?” He asks looking behind me, I shake my head   
“Dad and I were just watching Die hard,” I tell him, he smiles now.   
“Great movie,” he remarks   
“Ya, dad’s favorite” I respond, and we both just stand there “Did you need something?” I ask, feeling my cheeks heat.   
“I came to see how your dad was” He says, and my heart thrums in my chest.   
“You did?” I ask, a bit dazed   
“Ya, I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks, I just wanted to say hi” He explains, and I felt a surge of happiness shoot through me.   
“Ya, I’m sure he’d love to see you, come in” I smile opening the door wider   
“Oh I don’t want to interrupt the movie” He takes a small step, already retreating.   
“No, it just started, and I know how much you love the movie” I smile, urging him inside. He hesitates before finally stepping inside.   
“Who was it?” Dad’s eyes are glued to the screen, as JJ and I walk into the living room.   
“JJ came to see how you are” I tell him, his eyes move reluctantly from the TV and land on JJ.   
“JJ, good to see you” Dad smiles brightly. “We never got to finish that game of chess” He adds, and I stare between the pair confused.   
“I didn’t want to beat an old man” JJ laughs moving forward “So I thought it’d be best for me to just stay away” He jokes, and Dad laughs   
“I’m old but I will definitely beat you in chess” Dad remarks, and JJ shrugs his face neutral   
“Not a chance” JJ shakes his head sitting down beside him.   
“I’ll show you after the movie” Dad laughs, a cough escaping his lips. JJ leans forward grabbing the glass of water on the table. He hands him the glass, helping dad sit up to take a sip. I felt a sudden urge to tear up at the scene in front of me. JJ turns a small smile on his lips, and I smile back lightly.   
“Did you want some tea?” I ask, needing to leave the room.   
“Sure” JJ nods, his smile too soft for me to comprehend. I rush to the kitchen, my stomach twisting tightly. I place the kettle on the stove, with shaky hands, before leaning back against the counter. I hear the front door open, probably my mom.   
“Mike” Mom calls, and I hear her footsteps move towards the living room.   
“JJ” Mom’s voice full of surprise, but I could still hear the smile.   
“Nice to see you again” She adds. I don’t quite make out what JJ responded, but I do hear her footsteps coming towards the kitchen. She has a bag in her hand, and she places it down on the counter, a wide smile on her face.   
“How are you honey?” She asks, and I contemplate telling her how shaky I feel inside.   
“Fine, you?” I respond instead, her smile doesn’t falter as she pulls out the groceries from the bag.   
“Good, Gina, and I got coffee and just talked” She explains, and I nod.   
“How was he?” Mom’s voice goes quieter  
“Good, I made sure to give him his pain meds and he ate a bagel” I say, she nods content with my answer.   
“When did JJ come?” She asks, closing the fridge.   
“Couple minutes ago” She nods   
“Your dads always in better spirits around him” She says, but it’s more of a fact then she’s telling me something.   
“He’s around a lot?” I ask   
“After we found out about your dad, he came around almost every week just to see how he was” She explains and gives me a look like she was confused that I didn’t know.   
“What do they usually do?” I ask   
“Play chess, Watch old movies, talk” She shrugs  
“I didn’t know that,” I say, she looks up from the stack of mail, her eyes bright.   
“I just assumed JJ would tell you,” She says   
“Why did he stop coming?” I ask  
“Well he just stopped when you got here, maybe he thought you’d keep him busy instead” She shrugs, and I nod. The kettle whistles loudly and I pour the hot water into the prepared cup.   
“He’s a good man,” Mom says just before I walk out, I turn to her. “JJ, he’s a good man,” She says again like I didn’t hear her  
“I know” I smile walking back into the living room. JJ’s leaned back against the couch, and both of their eyes are glued to the screen. I hand JJ his tea, and he whispers a thank you before I plop down next to him.   
…  
I walk JJ out to his truck once the movies finished. Dad fell asleep close to the end, but JJ and I finished the movie.   
“Thanks for coming,” I say, hands in my pockets  
“Of course” He states simply   
“Mom told me you usually come every week,” I say, he looks away from me, and I notice the stiffness in his posture.   
“I just wanted to check on him, while you were..” He falls short   
“Away” I finish, he nods. “Thank you, It means a lot to all of us. It kept him distracted and made him happy” I say, bouncing from foot to foot.   
“You know all he wanted to talk about was you, which I wasn’t opposed to I guess” He chuckles. The happiness that filled me was so intense it scared me.   
“Well I’m pretty great” I wink, he laughs opening his door.   
“Ya, you are” He nods, and I can feel my heart hammering in my chest. “But seriously he loves you, they both do.” He states, his eyes blazing.   
“Thank you” I respond, feeling my heartbeat pounding in my cheeks. He goes to ho into the truck, “You should still come by” I blurt, he sticks his head out. “You should come by every week, we’d love to have you” I say smiling this time. His grin makes my insides mushy.   
“I’ll see you next week then” he nods before shutting his door. I start back to the house, my heart light. I shut the door behind me, smiling to myself. I look up and spot mom staring at me with a soft smile.   
“What?” I ask, straightening up.   
“It’s nice to see that smile again” She shrugs, and I feel my heart warm at her words. I give her a small smile before I rush upstairs to get ready to go paint at the wreck, mainly for distraction purposes.   
…  
John B, JJ, Pope and I have decided to go surfing. Diana passed because he doesn’t know how to, and she also has some art to work on for The Wreck. I grab my board and wait outside for John B to pick me up. He still has the van, so we decide to use it like old times. Nostalgia hits me when I see the familiar van pull into my driveway. The door is pulled open, and Pope jumps out. He’s shirtless, and wearing plain black board shorts.   
“I’ll get it’ He smiles grabbing my board to place it on the top rack with the others. I hope into the back of the Van.   
“This feels oddly familiar” John B comment as I sit back.   
“Right” I say, letting my hand run over the family cushions.   
“JJ peaks out from the front, a small smile on his face. His eyes roam over me, and he seems to freeze on my chest. At first I think he’s staring because of my bathing suit, but he’s staring at the floral button up I’m wearing over it. He looks away, but I catch the weird look on his face. I didn’t think he’d remember this shirt, he gave it to me so long ago.   
~  
After a long day of surfing, and sun, we’re all exhausted. We basically drag ourselves to the small fire JJ started. We all plop down in a circle, our surfboard behind us.   
“Long day” John B sighs leaning back against a log.   
“Good day” JJ smiles, pulling out a joint.   
“Yes” I smile, he grins. He lights it, taking a small drag before he passes it to me. I suck in the tainted air, sighing happily before passing it along. My bikini is still wet from the salty water, and a breeze passes over so I shiver involuntarily.   
“Why am I cold” I hiss placing my hands over the small fire. I notice JJ shift, peeling off his floral button up.   
“Here” He passes it to me  
“Why are you being nice?” I ask, and he grins   
“I know you want to see me naked so, I aim to please” He grins taking the joint from John B.   
“Fuck off’ I laugh taking the button up. I place it on, tugging it around me tightly. I lean down slightly sniffing in the scent of JJ. Saltwater, sunscreen, and weed. Smells better than it sounds. Later when I tried to give it back, he told me to keep it, it looked better on me anyway. He wasn’t much for floral usually, but John B got it for him, and now it was mine. I felt so relieved that I didn’t have to give it back, and if he ever asked for it back I’d have to say I lost it to something.   
~  
I clutch at the shirt as the memory crashes over me. John B starts telling us about how Dee is begging him to get a dog, and he’s not sure. Honestly I can’t seem to focus on the conversation, my eyes are glued to the back of JJ’s seat. Running the memory over in my head again. Was it weird that I was wearing it, or that I kept it? I love this shirt, I wore it everywhere. It helped me feel at home when I was alone, and had no one to talk to. I’d remembered feeling so happy in that memory, that it’d make me happy even if I was alone. John B parks the car, and I shake the feeling out of me before I hop out of the van. Pope hands me my board and we all start to the water.   
“I haven’t been surfing in years” Pope says, I turn to him.   
“no surf in Colorado?” I smile, he sticks his middle finger out at me making me laugh. “Watch and learn boys” I smirk before I peel off my shift and run into the water at full speed. The water is cold, but it only adds to my adrenaline as I paddle out. I can hear the boys cheering loudly as I duck dive under to catch an upcoming wave. When I catch the wave my eyes go to the shoreline where the I spot the boys waving wildly, I smile. I whoop loudly before I jump into the cold water, at the end of the wave. I swim up, and swim back to my board a couple feet away. When I start paddling back, I spot JJ paddling past me, towards an upcoming wave.   
“Get it” I call as I paddle back so I can watch him from afar. JJ’s always been the best surfer out of us, he just seemed like a natural in the water. He bends low as the wave cascades over him, and I can spot the wide smile from here. Pope paddles up next to me, his eyes focused on JJ.   
“He’s still good’ Pope laughs, sitting up  
“It’s JJ, he’s always been good” I laugh, letting my hand dip into the water. I feel Pope's eyes on the side of my head, so I turn to him.   
“What?” I ask, his eyes travel over me.   
“Nothing” He looks back towards JJ, and now John B.   
“So did JJ tell you about the Sarah and John B drama?” Pope spits out, and I turn to him wide-eyed.   
“What?” I ask, he laughs   
“I know he did, don’t worry I won’t tell John B” He says, and I nod.   
“Why do you ask?” I run my hands up my board, the gruff texture scraping my hands.   
“I saw Sarah” He says, and I almost fall off my board.   
“Where?” I ask   
“Colorado,” He says, and I stare at him confused   
“I ran into her at a grocery store, definitely weird” He explains, and I wait for him to continue. “She told me she was planning on coming back here for a bit, maybe work with her dad” He explains, and if it’s possible eyes widen even more.   
“Shit” I say, he nods “Did she say when?” I ask  
“No, she said she was just thinking about it” he responds, “I think she’s thinking about coming back for John B again” He adds, and I groan   
“You think he’ll take her back?” I ask, worry creating a pit in my stomach.   
“I think you can’t let him. You and JJ have to stop him.” His eyes are serious, more serious than I’ve seen them in a long time. “She’ll try to pull him in and he’ll lose Dee, and Dee’s the best thing that’s happened to him” He says, and I nod in agreement.   
“You weren’t here after Sarah left him Kie, he was destroyed” Pope exclaims  
“JJ told me” I nod   
“Dee picked him up, and he’ll be a complete idiot if he loses her, and Sarah leaves him again” Pope says, his voice is gruff.   
“Of course I’ll try to stop him, but John B only listens to John B” I quip quietly, Pope sighs   
“Then let's hope he’s grown up enough to resist her” Pope hums. I turn my stare back to John B, who’s now riding a big wave, while JJ cheers loudly. He’s always let Sarah have this power of him, something unspoken that we all knew. Maybe it’s because she was the first girl to love him, maybe it was because he’s use to woman walking out of his life. JJ and John B have that in common I guess, people they love just leaving. I turn back to Pope, who now has a smile on his face.   
“I’m here to stay” I tell him, and he looks at me confused before his face softens.   
“I know, and they know it to” He responds.   
…  
We all sit huddled together against the log, with a small fire in front of us. We all pass around a joint like old times. Except now we all kind of just stare off into the water, rather than try to get the other to eat sand.   
“You think it goes on forever?” I ask, my mind hazy   
“What?” JJ asks, he shifts beside me.   
“I know it doesn’t, but could you imagine. The water just goes on and on” I say, he chuckles in response, and it vibrates through me. I turn to him a serious look on my face. His eyes are red, and he has a small smile on his face. His hair falls into his face like always, and I reach out pushing it back. His smile falls slightly, and his eyes roam over my face. Maybe it's the high, but the air between us feels charged, and I can feel my breath quicken along with his.   
“Did you guys know that less than five percent of the oceans have been explored” Pope interrupts, and I turn away, breaking the charged moment.   
“I did know that” I say, and Pope nods, leaning further into the sand.   
“Did you know the worlds largest mountain chain is underwater?” Pope asks, and I nod  
“Too many facts guys, the only thing I know is that the oceans cover 70 percent or some shit like that” JJ quips making us all laugh loudly.   
“The Ocean is just so mysterious” Pope exclaims, and his tone sounds so full of wonder it makes us all laugh harder.   
“Don’t let Ellie hear you talking like that about something other than her” JJ mocks, and I shove him gently.   
“Fuck you” Pope laughs, and John B is rolling over laughing loudly. I lean forward grabbing my bag and pulling out my button-up. It’s still warm out, but the breeze is hitting my wet, salty hair making me shiver. JJ’s eyes fall onto it again, this time he doesn’t look away, just stares with his mouth slightly open.   
“Yes I kept it” I say, his eyes move up to mine.   
“Hey, I didn’t say anything” He responds running a hand through his hair.   
“Well you’re staring” I retort, and he chuckles nodding to himself. “I’m surprised that’s all,” He says  
“Why?” I ask, he turns back to me, his eyes softer than I was expecting.   
“I didn’t expect you to keep it after all this time” He says simply, and I nod.   
“It’s my token from home, and I’ve worn it in so it’s perfect” I explain just as simply, he nods a smile sneaking onto his face.   
“Ya I can tell it’s worn” He laughs and I shove hi roughly, making him laugh harder   
“It’s old dumb-ass, but it still looks good” I pout, and he nods again.   
“Better than most of my clothes” He says, making me laugh loudly.   
“That's a low bar” I snark back, and the grin that lights up his face fills me with pride.


	8. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ❤️❤️❤️

I wake up wrapped tightly in a pair of arms. I shift, and realize the arms belong to JJ. Last night we all passed out at John B’s place, after surfing all day and smoking most of the night. JJ shifts behind me, his arm tightens around me, and he pulls me so I’m now flush against his chest. My skin prickles, where his fingers meet the bare skin of my stomach. I stay still relishing in the warmth his body brings me. I slowly let my hand drop on top of his, waiting to see if he moves, but he doesn’t. I can’t help the giddiness that grew inside of me as his breath blew over my neck. I hear a groan, and I freeze, but I don’t feel JJ shift behind me instead I feel the bottom of the bed dip. I shut my eyes remembering Pope fell asleep at the end of the bed. I feel the bed dip, and creak as Pope stands. I start shifting, and JJ’s arms loosen around me. I open my eyes and let out a small yawn. I sit up, and JJ’s arms fall to my lap, still asleep. Pope looks at me with sleepy eyes, his mouth set into a hard line.   
“Why was I at the end of the bed?” He huffs, his voice hoarse   
“You offered” I laugh, he nods and scotches his chin lightly.   
“Remind me not to be nice anymore because my neck is killing me” He grumbles turning to leave. I look back down at JJ who’s now letting out soft tufts of air through his nose, it makes me smile. I gently move his hand from my lap, and stand up. I head to the bathroom, but Pope’s already in there. So I walk to the kitchen for some coffee.   
“Mornin’” Dee says once she sees me.   
“Morning” I smile, and she hands me a mug, I hum softly. I take a sip the coffee warming me from the inside out.   
“How did you sleep?” She asks  
“Good, really good actually” I respond, my cheeks heating.   
“Even with all of you squished in that bed” She laughs, her smile holding something else in it.   
“Ya, we use to do it all the time, but it was on that stupid pullout” I laugh, she nods, sipping her coffee.   
“Bathrooms all yours” Pope walks in, his eyes still half-closed.   
“Someone didn’t sleep well” Diana laughs handing him a mug, he takes it.   
“I’m too old to be sharing a bed with more than one other person” He grumbles, plopping down on the stool.   
“His neck hurts, add that to him not being a morning person” I explain, and Diana nods. I place my coffee cup down, and start to the bathroom. I spot JJ walking clumsily out of the bathroom, his eyes still half-closed.   
“Morning” I laugh, he turns and sighs.   
“Everyone up?” He asks, leaning against the door. His shirt rides up slightly exposing a small sliver of his skin.   
“I haven’t seen John B” I say, keeping my eyes off the exposed skin. I don’t know why everything he did seemed to make me blush. “Everyone else is in the kitchen” I tell him, moving past him to the bathroom. I close the door behind me, hating the heat that travels over me. I look at my flushed reflection in the mirror, sighing lightly to myself.   
…  
I sing loudly as I finish painting the sunflowers on the front door. The sun is shining brightly through the windows, casting an orange light throughout. Joy seemed to ripple through me unexpectedly. Everything felt right, and I finally feel like I’m home, where I’m supposed to be. I can’t shake the stupid smile that’s taking up my face today. I just barely make out the sound of my phone going off, over the music. So I quickly jump down, flipping the radio off before I answer my phone.   
“Hello”   
“Kiara” it’s my mom   
“Hey, sorry I’m late for dinner I was just finishing up here” I say, bending down to pick up my bag, and keys.   
“Kiara” She says again and this time I hear the tears in her voice.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling the low thump of my heart in my chest.   
“We’re at the hospital” She responds her voice wobbly and uneven.   
“Okay I’ll be right there” I tell her before hanging up. I rush out the door, my heart racing. My whole body shakes as I pull out of the lot, as quickly as possible. I can feel the sting at the back of my throat, but I swallow it down, forcing myself to keep calm.  
…  
Mom’s waiting for me at the front entrance, a smoke in her hand. I run-up to her, and I can see the tears in her eyes. She pulls me into a hug, her shoulders shaking as she clutches onto me.   
“What happened?” I ask, she pulls back and takes a breath.   
“He wouldn’t wake up, I tried but he wasn’t waking up” She whimpers, her lower lip shaking.   
“Mom what happened?” I ask taking her hand, she sucks in a shuddering breath.   
“The doctors say his organs are shutting down” She says, and my stomach drops. “He’s on a ventilator but… but” She doesn’t have to finish the sentence. I step back, my heart feels like it’s lodged in my throat. Mom reaches for me, but it looks too slow, it feels like I’m walking into quicksand. The only sound I can hear is the low thump of my heart, it surrounds me. It feels like it’s sucking me in.   
“Breath” I hear her voice echo around me. I shake my head, and suck in a shaky breath, but it hurts. The air around me feels thick and hot. I feel her hands on my cheeks, as she forces me to look at her watery eyes.   
“Kiara, breath” She commands, her voice stronger this time, breaking through the thick fog in my head.   
“I need to see him” I croak out, and she nods. The walk to his room is shorter than I expected, so I freeze outside his door. Mom’s hand tugs on mine, but I’m frozen to the spot my legs not budging. She looks back at me, and I can see the pity in her eyes.   
“I’m scared” I admit, the words spilling out of me. She takes my other hand and squeezes it gently.   
“I’m scared too, but we have each other” She states, and I can see the tears in her eyes. “We have to say goodbye” the tears drop from her eyes, and she blinks them away. Goodbye, the word repeats over and over in my head. I thought I said goodbye to him a long time ago, I never expected to see him again. But this feels different, this leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and what feels like a gaping hole in my chest. The thought of never seeing him again, sticks in my head. I guess I knew before I always had the option to fix things, but now, now it’s over forever.   
“I can't” I spit out, the words tasting sickly sweet in my mouth.   
“You can” she responds, her words shoot through me. She steps closer and her perfume wafts over me. “You can, I promise you can” I shake my head in response.   
“I didn’t have enough time” I cry, the truth of the words burning a hole inside of me. “I was so angry, and now after we fixed it. Now that I’m not angry anymore I don’t have any more time” I yell, the words echoing down the empty hallway.   
“I’m so sorry we didn’t fix it earlier, you deserved that much from us, but your dad loved you, and that will always be with you” She tells me, and I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes.   
“The last couple of weeks with you have made him so happy Kiara, so happy.” She whispers caressing my cheek. Tears burn a trail down my face.  
“Now, for yourself, you have to say goodbye” She says. I know she’s right, that I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t see him. So I take her hand and we step into the room together. The machines create a low hum in the room. I keep my eyes on the ground, as we walk to his bedside.   
“Mike” Mom’s voice rings out. She lets go of my hand, and I move my eyes up the bed. A sharp pain shoots through me when my eyes land on his closed ones. He looks so peaceful, the wrinkle between his eyebrows, gone. I lean down taking his hand in mine. He’s still warm, and his hands are still calloused from all the years of working. Mom moves to the other side, taking his other hand in hers.   
“We love you dad” I whisper, leaning down to lay a small kiss to his cheek. I lean my head on him, the tears falling freely from my eyes now. I grip his hand, and I breathe in his familiar scent. It’s weird I can hear his heart beating, and It makes me cry harder. Mom and I hold his hand as the nurse turns off the machines, and he takes his last breath. I hold mom tightly as the realization of it all hits her, making her break down.   
…  
The days seem to pass in a weird haze of people’s condolences and sympathetic gazes. We decide to have a small funeral for family and friends. I’m grateful that I won’t have the whole town staring at me with sad eyes. JJ, John B, and Pope are by my side holding onto me tightly the whole funeral. I can’t seem to leave my bed, or the comfort of it I guess. Every time I try it’s like a tidal wave pulls me back under. Mom comes to check on me, and I assure her I’m Fien, just tired. She doesn’t believe me but she doesn’t push either. I’ve shut off my phone so I don’t have to listen to the irritating ringing all day. Plus the thought of talking about it only makes me crawl further into my bed. I keep going back to the last interaction with him. It was just a quick goodbye before I left for work. A simple see you at dinner, but of course, I didn’t see him. Whenever I imagine him falling asleep, it’s like a stab to my stomach. I shut my eyes tightly, but the image is burned behind my eyelids. I feel lost, and disgusted by myself. The guilt of not calling earlier because I was so angry weighs me down to the bed. I was so blinded by anger and loneliness that it left me even angrier and more lonely. That's why I find myself at The Wreck, sobbing as I stare at the new walls. He won’t be able to see it. I didn’t show him any designs because I wanted to surprise him, and now he won’t be able to see any of it. I slide down to the floor, shaking. I shut my eyes tightly sucking in a breath. My heart was racing, and I can feel the thud all over my body. I let out a loud scream, and it echos off the walls. I notice a screwdriver beside me. I pick it up and chuck it at the far wall with all my might. It ricochets off the wall landing with a loud thud. I stand the adrenaline coursing through me. I grab whatever tool I can find and continue throwing them at the walls. My eyes land on the sledgehammer, and I grab it. The weight of it makes me stagger back, but I find my footing and I bring it down to crash through the wall. A small part of me saw how crazy it was, to destroy the one place that had been my dad’s but the noise in my head was too loud, too demanding. I kept destroying as much as I could. The wood seemed to fly around me in small fragments. I let out all my pain and frustration on the wall. I finally stopped, my arms aching, and my heart racing. I dropped the sledgehammer and stepped back. staring wide-eyed at the mess I made, it resembled everything I had done in real life. I had been the one to leave, and never look back. I had been the one who never called or wrote. I had been the one to waste all the time being angry and upset. I destroyed everything eventually. I took another step back, the tears bursting violently through me. I couldn’t breathe or see, everything seemed to blend together. I kept sobbing as I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me in. I couldn’t see who It was, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms tightly around them, and let the sobs rack my body.  
“I fucked it all up” I cry into the crook of his neck.   
“You didn’t” JJ whispers back. Somehow I knew it was JJ, it’s always JJ.   
“I destroy everything I touch, and then I play the victim” the words are pouring out of me. I can feel his fingers in my hair.   
“That's not true” He remarks, and it makes me cry harder.   
“It is and your just too nice to see it” I say, and he pulls away from me, his hands on my arms.   
“I’ve never been the nice one” He says, and I laugh because what else could I do. JJ smiles, and pushes away the hair that’s stuck to my wet face. “I’m so sorry Kie” His face falls, and my throat burns.   
“I miss him” I sigh, he nods, his thumb running down my cheek   
“I know” He nods “How can I fix it?” He asks, his eyes soft. I can only think of one thing that would make me feel better. I lean up, my heart beating loudly. I touch my lips gently to his, and I can feel him stiffen. I pull back slightly, but he pulls me back deepening the kiss. The kiss makes me dizzy, so I wrap my arms around his neck, letting my fingers travel up into his hair. His fingers grip at my waist, sending pinpricks of pleasure up my sides. He breaks away, his breathing choppy. His eyes are dark, and it fills me with pleasure. I keep my fingers in his hair, as our breathing comes back to normal. His grip on my waist loosens and his eyes move to the ground. I can see the regret in his eyes, and it causes my heart to physically ache in my chest. I step back, feeling his rejection all over again.   
“I just want to stop thinking” I say, my words watery. He looks back up at me, and I feel the tension between us. “I need to stop thinking” I say, the words sounding pathetic to my own ears, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. He pulls me back in, capturing my lips with his. A shiver runs through me, and I clutch as his shoulders holding onto this moment. He inches away, his lips still grazing mine.   
“I can help you with that,.. if you want” He’s breathless, and I can see the nerves in his eyes. I can feel his lips move against mine. I feel the coil of desire in my stomach. I want him so much right now, and I’ve wanted him for so long, I can’t seem to care if it’s just for one night.  
“One night?” I ask, my heart stammering. His eyes are blazing, and the look he’s giving me makes me blush all over.   
“One night” He repeats before his lips are devouring mine. We both move to the counter where he grabs my hips and lifts me onto it. I feel the swoosh of my insides as he starts trailing down my neck, his lips hot against my skin. I grab the bottom of his shirt, and tug it gently off of him. I let my fingernails run down his chest, as he captures my lips with his. I let him pull off my shirt, and bra throwing it behind us. His lips trail over my chest, and by now I’m panting his nail, urging him on. He moans my name lowly, and I arch into him. My brain fogs and all I focus on is how good I feel in his arms.   
…  
I wake up feeling lighter than I have in a long time. My body feels tired but it’s more of a sated feeling than heavy. I turn over, JJ’s arm hangs loosely around me. The floor under me creaks, but he doesn’t seem to flinch. His mouth is squished again the cushion so it hangs open slightly making me smile to myself. His face looks so young, and innocent when he sleeps. I move slowly so my finger gently trials down the side of his face. My skin flushes as I remember last night, it was pathetic to think he was the best I’ve had. I haven’t had many, but last night was different, yes better but still different. Last night was sort of indescribable. I wouldn’t be able to put it in words. The thought that once he wakes up this moment will be gone, makes my body ache. This will become just a memory, something to hold onto I guess. I know he did this for me, to help me through this grief. Just shows he’d do anything for his friends, but I also know he doesn’t see me like that, this was a moment of weakness. I know that this can only be a one-time thing, for both of our sakes. I notice his eyelashes flutter, and he shifts slightly. I sit up and pull the throw blanket over me. JJ yawns, his arms stretching above his head. I turn to him slightly, hopefully keeping my face normal.   
“Morning” I give him a small smile, he smiles back sending butterflies through me. He sits up now and groans loudly.   
“Not the best idea to sleep on the floor” He laughs. I stare down at the makeshift bed we made last night in a hurry, and blush.   
“Ya” I nod. His eyes trail over the area, before his sleepy eyes land on me.   
“How are you feeling?” He asks, rubbing at his eyes. For a second I think he means about us, and last night, but he doesn’t.   
“I’m okay, last night helped” I blurt before I realize how it sounds. “I mean destroying everything” I add quickly blushing, he smiles widely a small chuckle escaping his lips.   
“I’m glad, you really did a lot” he eyes the wall with all the holes in it. He turns back to me, his eyes roaming over me, I pull the blanket tighter to me, feeling my body flush again.   
“I’m really sorry Kie,” He says, and I nod   
“I know”   
“I wish I could change it for you, I would if I could” He remarks  
“I know you would” I lean my head on his shoulder “Last night proved how much you’d do for me” I joke, but he stiffens, and my stomach drops.   
“Too much?” I ask, and he chuckles lightly.   
“I don’t want… I’m sorry if you think I took advantage of you last night, I..” He stumbles over his words his cheeks tinting pink.   
“What, no” I stop him, his eyes find mine. “I needed you last night, and I should be saying sorry to you” I shift so my body is turned to him.   
“Come on, you don’t need to apologize at all” He smirks and my skin burns.   
“I do because I don’t want you to think I used you to feel better,” I say, and his eyes become serious, too serious. “I.. I was so caught up, and sad, and you made me feel better.. you always make me feel better” I ramble looking down at my lap.   
“Hey, it’s okay. I don’t feel used, trust me I wanted it just as much” He responds, and my eyes shift to his. A warm feeling spreads over, and I can’t help the small sliver of hope that springs up in me. “Last night, I guess we both used each other in a way so let's just agree to leave it at that.” He says, and my throat goes dry. I was expecting it, but it still hurts to hear.   
“Ya, one night of weakness” I nod in agreement, his smile drops, but he nods.   
“So no one needs to know” He goes to stand, and the blanket slips off him, leaving him exposed. I can’t help the desire that pools inside of me, so I quickly look away. I stand grabbing my shorts and quickly shimmying them on. I can’t find my bra anywhere, and I’m about to ask JJ, when I see his outstretched finger, where it hangs from. I smile, and he grins wickedly, making me flush. When we’re both dressed, we move the cushions and blankets off the floor, and I’m left shocked at how much damage I did.   
“Fuck,” I say to myself, JJ gives me a look of sympathy. “So much for the months renovations” I say, feeling the low swirl of guilt in my stomach. JJ moves towards me, draping his arm over my shoulder.   
“It’s okay, we’ll fix it” He assures, and I shake my head.   
“No, I’m gonna sell it” I say, his eyes widen.   
“You don’t mean that?” He says  
“I can’t run this place JJ, I’ll fuck it up. Dad deserves better” I tell him. He doesn’t respond, he just pulls me closer to him, and kisses the top of my head.


	9. Pogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pogues are there again when Kie needs them most.

When I tell mom about my plan to sell, she doesn’t react. She simply says “If you think that’s best.” I don’t know what I expected from her. Maybe I thought she’d fight, or tell me I could do it, like dad would have. I guess she just knows I wouldn’t be able to handle it. For the first time since my dad died, I’m getting out of bed before two in the afternoon. I need to clean up the mess I made at The Wreck before I can put it up for sale. Mom’s not awake when I leave so, I leave a note on the counter for her. I decide to drive dad’s truck today, needing the cab space. It smells so much like him, it sends a shooting pain through me. I shut my eyes taking a deep breath through my nose. I can feel the tears in my eyes, but I blink them away. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of everything right now. The sun is starting to rise, creating a yellow haze over everything. When I get to the lot, I notice a light on, and my heart starts racing. I grab one of the wrenches from the bed of my dad’s truck, and make my way inside. I thought I’d locked the door, but I must have forgotten.   
“Hello” I say once I step in. I drop the wrench at my feet, my jaw-dropping. The wall I had destroyed, is completely brand new. With a giant mural of my dad on it. My heart is thumping loudly, and I can feel the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. Everything is pretty much done. All the walls are painted and the garbage is cleaned up. I feel dizzy with happiness and its hard to breathe.   
“We wanted to surprise you” I hear Dee’s voice boom behind me, I spin around my eyes watery. John B, Pope, Dee, and JJ stand together their clothes splattered with paint and other stains.   
“I..” I turn back to the wall, my heart sputtering in my chest. “I don’t know what to say” I mumble. Everything looks amazing, and just how I pictured it. “When?” I asked turning back to them.   
“We know with everything going on you couldn’t, well you know so we wanted to make sure everything stayed on track.” John B stands forward, a smile etched onto his face. Tears start falling freely down my face now.   
“It looks amazing” I croak, Dee chuckles before rushing forward and pulling me into a tight hug. I let my eyes move to JJ, who’s smiling proudly at me.   
“We think you should keep this place Kie” JJ starts “it’s always been yours and we all believe in you” his eyes are intense, it makes my cheeks burn. “Your dad knew you’d make it great again” He adds, and a sob escapes my lips.   
“Thank you guys so much” I cry, wiping at my face. They all run forward and pull me into a tight hug.   
“We love you Kie” Pope says, making me chuckle and nod against his chest.   
“I’m scared guys” I admit, the fear bubbling to the surface.   
“We’re here, we’re in this together” John B grins  
“Pogues” JJ nods, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode from happiness   
“Pogues” I nod, his grin makes me shiver. I turn back to the mural of my dad’s smiling face.   
“You guys did amazing” I marvel, walking towards the lounge area that JJ and I created.   
“It was all your ideas Kie” JJ says, and I grin. I wipe under my eyes and suck in a calming breath.   
“So…?” Pope asks, his eyes wide, it makes me chuckle.   
“So… we open in a week” I say, and they all cheer loudly before rushing back over to me to hug me.   
…  
“No my favorite has to be when he caught us trying to get Kie up the tree to her room because she was drunk and lost her keys” Pope laughs, the fire illuminating his face.   
“He was so mad” I chuckle leaning back against the log.  
“Ya he wouldn’t let you go on the boat with us the next day” JJ says, I nod.   
“Well I did throw up on him, so” I shrug, and Diana laughs loudly.   
“She also threw up on me” JJ adds, and I laugh harder leaning forward so my forehead touches his shoulder.   
“I totally forgot that” I quip, he nods sipping his drink.   
“Your fault for letting her drunk ass lay on you” John B says, as Diana leans her head on his chest.   
“Next time I’ll throw her off of me” JJ nod, and Dee laughs.   
“Do you guys remember when he caught us high as fuck raiding my fridge” I say, the memory bringing a warm feeling over me.   
“Shit ya” JJ nods a grin on his face.  
“That was when we took edibles right?” Pope asks  
“Ya, for the first time” I laugh, he beams.   
“Did he know?” Dee asks   
“Well imagine four hungry kids, who could barely hold a conversation” I tell her, she chuckles. “He never said anything though” I muse  
“Or the time we created that slide down your stairs high” John B smirks  
“That was fun” I point my beer at him, he chuckles.   
“Except if you fell behind” Pope pipes in, and JJ laughs loudly.   
“That was your fault,” JJ says, and pope glares   
“I always got the back” He explains   
“You chose the back” I defend.   
“Well John B was in front so he got the full impact, and then it was you, and JJ refused to be the back so I was stuck wasn’t I” Pope clarifies, I blush. I remember being so excited that JJ chose to sit behind me, like it meant something.   
“Fine” I nod, he nods.  
“Still fun” Pope relents, making us all laugh.   
“You guys ran out when my dad got home and left me to clean it” I scold, and Dee laughs, shoving John B slightly.   
“He was scary” John B shrugs, making me shake my head a smile popping onto my face.   
“Could you imagine having aa bunch of idiot kids like us to take care of” JJ comments, and I turn to him. “We gave him premature grey hair” he laughs, looking down at the beer bottle in his hand.   
“He did always bail us out” Pope acknowledges, a soft smile on his face.   
“He loved you guys” I say, and all us turn to me. “He knew you guys would protect me” I say, pulling my knees up to my chest “When I needed protecting, which was rare, cause I’m a capable woman” I point out making them all chuckle. I can feel the all to familiar sting of tears in my eyes.   
“To Mike, one of the best chess players I know, second to me of course” JJ says making me let out a watery laugh. JJ lifts his beer, his eyes on my glossy ones. I lift my bottle to his, goosebumps on my skin.   
“To Mike” Pope repeats  
“To Mike” John B joins  
“We miss you man” JJ says, and the tears start again. We all clink our bottles, before taking small sips.  
…  
I end up drinking too much to drive, so JJ offers to drive me. I hiccup as I buckle my seatbelt, and laugh. He turns on his truck, the engine roaring to life. I lean back into my seat, the buzz working its way over my body.   
“Thanks for driving me” I turn to him, he smiles and nods, but he doesn’t look at me. “Thank you for everything” I add quieter. I can feel the change in the air, it makes me swallow back the lump in my throat.   
“You don’t have to thank me Kie, you would have done the same thing” He remarks, and finally his eyes move to mine just for a quick second before returning to the road.   
“You think so?” I ask, feeling the guilt inside me tighten until it’s hard to breathe.  
“Yes” he responded, and his voice was firm. No room for argument.   
“I’m sorry” I blurt, and he arches his eyebrow confused. “For leaving” I say, and I can see him stiffen.   
“You needed to find yourself, I don’t blame you for leaving” He responds. His tone is so soft it makes my stomach flip.   
“I didn’t find myself” I admit, feeling the emptiness inside of me. “I’ve just been coasting, lost” I add my voice low. The words seem to be spilling out of me, without warning.   
“You’re not lost Kie, your you and you’re home now” He says, the words cause a sting deep in my gut. I look away, my eyes moving to the window. Focusing on the trees swirling in the darkness around me.   
“You belong here” He says, and I nod even though I don’t know if it's true. Maybe I don’t belong anywhere, maybe I was better off lost on my own. “Don’t” He says, and I look back worried I said that out loud.   
“What?” I ask, he sighs running a hand through his hair. His eyes are still glued to the road, but I can see the tension in his shoulders.   
“You belong here Kie, you’ve always belonged here!” He says “You needed to leave to see that, and maybe that was finding yourself. Everyone finds themselves back to how they use to be before all the life shit got in the way” He explains, his tone sounding slightly frantic. He looks at me now, his eyes too intense for my altered state.   
“You do not need to feel guilty for doing that, you didn’t do anything wrong or bad. So stop beating yourself up about it” He finishes. I bite down on my lip, turning forward to face the road. I hadn’t realized how much I needed that.  
“I never said I felt guilty about leaving” I muse quietly  
“I know you, I know you feel like shit about leaving us and your family. I know that’s why you destroyed the Wreck that night. You think you wasted your time being happy, but you didn’t. You needed to leave in order to see how much you wanted to be here. Otherwise you would have been miserable and angry.” He says, and my gut twists tightly. Sometimes it was like he was the only one who knew what was going on in my head. I turn back to him, taking in his hard features. He’s mad at me for being mad at myself, the thought makes me chuckle.   
“What?” He asks, his tone confused.   
“Your mad at me for being mad at myself” I laugh again, he turns to me, his eyes quickly roaming over my face.   
“Shut up” He remarks, a smile on his face.   
“It’s cute” I assure, still giggling.   
“I’m cute now?” He asks, a grin on his face.   
“You've always been cute to me JJ” I respond quickly without thinking. He stiffens again, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. I feel like maybe I’ve overstepped, when his grip loosens and a small smile pops onto his face.   
“Good to know” He says, making me blush.   
“Why haven’t you found anyone?” I blurt, my buzzed brain obviously not understanding boundaries.   
“That changed quickly” He laughs   
“I just mean why haven’t you met anyone when I know all the girls in town want you” I smile, he sighs lightly, pushing his hair back again.   
“I don’t know” He explains, and I groan in response.   
“Come on” I touch his arm lightly, and he turns to me, a weird look on his face.   
“You want the full story?” He asks  
“Always” I answer.   
“You remember what I was like before, with girls” I can see the tension in his shoulders.   
“You like to have fun… Your words not mine” I laugh.   
“Well It kinda got out of control, to the point where I couldn’t look in the mirror without hating what I saw” He says. I it up, turning my body to face him. “Everything was just not how I wanted it to be, I was doing things that made me hate myself and I started to remind myself of my dad” he states, and I’m shocked at the mention of his dad.   
“You’re nothing like your dad” I tell him.   
“Well I was heading in that direction” He says, his tone gruff. “Anyway, I guess I just snapped out of it. One day I was like fuck all this stupid shit that I’m mad about.” He explains, and I nod along. “I was so angry at my dad but it was only hurting me, and turning me into something I hated” He turns to me, his eyes burn into mine.   
“So basically I stopped day drinking, not completely, and I stopped sleeping around” He smiles turning back to the road ahead.   
“So you’re mature now,” I say, and he laughs   
“Sometimes” he responded   
“Why don’t you settle down then?” I ask, my stomach twisting tightly.   
“I guess I haven’t met the one” He stammers  
“Ya but have you tried?” I ask  
“What constitutes trying?” He muses making me laugh   
“you don’t even have to try with the woman here, but you’re still repelling any commitment,” I say, and he laughs   
“Okay, what about you?” He asks, and I sigh dramatically.   
“I’ve been traveling, no time for long term relationships, only quick fixes” I laugh, he chuckles too, his jaw-dropping. “What, a girl has needs” I shrug  
“I do know that” he grins, and I shiver, my cheeks blistering. “What about now, you want commitment?” He asks  
“I’m not looking, but if it comes my way” I say, as a memory of that night bursts through me, making me uncomfortably hot.   
“It will” He says, and I turn to him arching my eyebrow in question.   
“You’re so sure?” I say, he nods   
“Ya, I’m sure because you’re a hell of a catch,” He says it so surely, it makes my heart flutter in my chest. I feel the heat in my cheeks, so I quickly look away from him. We pull into my driveway, and I can feel my heartbeat loudly in my chest.   
“Home sweet home” He smiles, and a weird feeling of deja vu passes over me  
~  
“You can’t go back JJ” I stammer, as the panic seizes my body. He turns to me, and I wince at the look of his swollen face.   
“It’ll take a second” He reassures, his tone even and calm. I felt like I was freaking out. “I promise Kie” He says, and I nod as we pull up to his house.  
“Home sweet home” He says absently, almost like he’s talking to himself.   
“Did you want me to come, cause I’ll come” I say, his eyes are glued to the house.   
“No” He whispers lightly. I feel the panic rise up again.   
“I want to go with you” I say again, this time my voice sure and even. He turns to me, and I now notice the fear in his eye.   
“Please just wait here” He says it so quietly, I think I may have misheard. I clutch at the steering wheel, and nod in agreement. He smiles before jumping out of the car. I watch as he walks slowly to the front door, the apprehension in his posture. He turns back and gives me another reassuring smile, I smile back. My smile feels forced and hopeless, which fills me with guilt. I can feel the tears sting at my eyes as he disappears inside. I suck in a shaky breath trying to calm my nerves before he gets back. He doesn’t need me crying like a baby. I fidget in my seat, and my fear starts to rise the longer he’s inside. How long do I wait before I go in to look for him? He’s already hurt, another fight could potentially kill him. The thought makes my stomach churn violently. I have to control my breathing to calm the nausea inside of me. Finally, I see the front door open and he rushes to the car. He’s silent, but I can see the unshed tears in his eyes, and the quiver in his bottom lip.   
“How did it go?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady. He turns fully to me, and I try not to show the sadness I feel on my face. He lifts his hand and I notice now he’s shaking violently. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently. Giving him what I hope is a reassuring smile before I start the car.   
~  
The memory leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and I feel a shift in the air. I look at him, and he gives me a confused look.   
“What?” He breathes, a soft smile on his face.   
“You're a catch too, someone would be lucky to be loved by you” I tell him, his smile seems to falter in response. “Night” I move to kiss his cheek, relishing in the comfort it brings me.   
…  
Pope’s leaving back to Colorado tomorrow morning, so all of us decided to have a small gathering at John B’s. By a small gathering I mean beer, and food. After Pope leaves I have four days till I reopen the Wreck, and see if I can make it work. I’m trying not to focus on it otherwise my anxiety roars. So basically I’m just focusing on having a good last night with Pope before he’s gone again. I’ve grown accustomed to him again, it’s weird how quickly we all acclimate to being back with each other. I’m picking up some beers from the store, and maybe some wine In case Ellie shows up. I asked Pope if she was coming and he said she might stop by, but she has a thing with her friends in town, so I’m not counting on it. I pick up a bottle labeled mouton cade, it’s all in French, but I just place it in my basket, deciding it’s good enough. I continue down the aisle, humming lightly to myself.   
“Kiara” I hear someone call, I turn and spot someone walking toward me “Kiara Carrera” He says, his eyes bright.   
“James” I say a bit shocked to see him. James and I were close senior year, he was super into environmental cleanups, and we kind of just bonded.   
“I thought you went to Amsterdam” I say, clutching my cart. He runs a hand through his short brown hair, his eyes roaming over me.   
“I was, I just got back actually last year” He laughs “I heard you joined the Peace Corps,” He remarks, stepping closer to me.   
“Ya, I was” I laugh “Just got back a couple of months ago,” I say, his smile widens and he nods.   
“I heard about your dad, I’m so sorry,” He says, his smile falling off his face.   
“Thanks” I nod, feeling the ache in my chest. We stand there kind of just staring at each other, I can feel my cheeks heating.   
“We should catch up, maybe go to dinner” He finally says, his smile turning into a small smirk.   
“Ya, that’d be great” I smile back pushing a stray curl from my face. His eyes travel over me again, making me blush again   
“Sorry, it’s just been so long, you look great” He blushes  
“Didn’t I always look great?” I joke, he lets out an airy laugh   
“Ya, you’ve always been gorgeous” He smiles, and I feel my body flush.   
“Thank you” I smile back, he grins shaking his head lightly before letting out a small chuckle. He pulls out his phone and hands it over, so I can put my number in. I hand it back to him, feeling slightly embarrassed by the interaction.   
“I’ll call you” He remarks. I watch as he walks down the aisle, turning back to give me a wide smile. I push my cart forward, completely flabbergasted by what just happened. I remember everyone always thought James and I wanted to be together, everyone commented on it. The guys wouldn’t go one day without bringing him up in a mocking fashion. We were just friends, he did ask me to prom, but he promised it was just as friends. I was however already going stag with JJ, who ditched one of his flings so I’d have someone to go with. John B was with Sarah and Pope got asked by this girl in his AP math class, that he didn’t like, like that, but he was too nice to tell her no. So I told him to come with JJ and me, and he agreed until a girl named Amanda asked him. JJ urged me to go with James if I like him, like they all thought I did. They didn’t know I wasn’t because I wanted JJ too much. I always want JJ too much. I grab the rest of the stuff on my shopping list, and I spot James again in the parking lot. He waves and gets into his car.   
…  
I place the bags on the counter as Diana continues to mix something with complete concentration.   
“I brought you green onions,” I say handing her the bag, she smiles gratefully.   
“Just what I needed,” She remarks more to herself.   
“Where are the guys?” I ask sitting down on the barstool.   
“They went to pick up Pope” She says, and I nod. Diana stops mixing and turns to me, her eyebrow arched.   
“Ask” I laugh, she sighs looking back down at her bowl.   
“No, it’s nothing” she brushes it off, and continues what she’s doing. I’m about to ask again, when the front door opens harshly.   
“Parties here” Pope walks in, hand in the air.   
“drunk party” JJ walks in behind him.   
“Already?” I ask, as Pope walks up to me.   
“Just tipsy” he assures, before plopping down next to me.  
“Tipsy this early?” I ask, he shrugs and I can see the tension in his shoulders. “What happened?” I ask, placing my hand on his shoulder.   
“Ellie and I just had a small fight, it’s nothing” He assured me, his eyes soft. “I’m here to celebrate right! Celebrate what I don’t know” He remarks making us laugh I turn to JJ, who gives me a small shrug.   
“Celebrate it is” I nod grabbing a beer for all of us.   
…  
Pope is beyond wasted right now, he’s singing loudly while he dances around the fire. All of us are just sitting and watching as he continues to laugh loudly at himself. Turns out the fight was bigger than he let on. JJ told me, that they heard them screaming from outside the house, but he refused to tell them why. Now we’re just letting him.. forget I guess.   
“I’m exhausted” He huffs plopping down onto one of the chairs. He leans back shutting his eyes.   
“You think it’s time to say goodnight?” JJ asks sitting up, his elbows on his knees.  
“No” Pope laughs “I’m not allowed back home for the night” he laughs, but it sounds bitter and his face looks like he ate something sour.   
“You can stay here” Diana says, her eyes sympathetic.   
“Kie could I come with you?” He asks, his eyes dazed.   
“Sure” I nod, and JJ looks at me.   
“You know I’m pretty tired, you mind if we go now?” I Ask, he nods enthusiastically.   
“You good to drive?” JJ asks   
“Just has half a beer” I assure holding up my glass of lemonade.   
“I think I’m gonna head home now too” JJ says, stretching his arms up. Pope stumbles up, and John B reaches out to steady him. Pope shifts so he can pull John B into a tight hug.   
“Wow I’ll be missed” John B laughs, as they break apart. “I’ll miss you to man” John B says, patting his shoulder roughly. Pope moves onto JJ, who laughs.   
“I’ll walk you to Kie’s car” JJ says, and Pope nods. I hug John B and Diana good-bye before I follow the two stumbling boys to my car.   
“I love you man” Pope slurs, as JJ places his lying down in the back seat.   
“I know, I love you to buddy” JJ mumbles, his voice strained with effort.   
“I’m serious,.. love you” Pope quips, his words smashing together. I can’t help but smile widely at the scene.   
“Okay you’re bucked in” JJ steps back stretching his arched back.   
“Thanks” Pope mumbles half asleep in the back. JJ shuts the door before turning to me.   
“You sure you can handle him by yourself” JJ laughs  
“If not he’ll sleep in the yard” I shrug, and he chuckles lightly. He bites down on his lower lip, his eyes trailing over me.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” He asks  
“Even if you didn’t want to” I smile back, and he nods a happy smile emanating off his lips. I move around the car getting into the car.   
“Bye JJ, love you” Pope calls out loudly  
“Love you Pope” JJ responds just as loud.   
“He’s cool” Pope points out once we start driving. “Isn’t he?” He asks making me laugh   
“He is” I agree, and Pope nods to himself.   
“He stopped being cool for a bit after you left” Pope blurts, and I can’t help but wince slightly at the words.   
“I know,” I say more to myself   
“He missed you, we all did, but he really missed you” Pope slurs, and I’m not sure if he knows what he’s saying, but I smile anyway.   
“I missed him to” I nod  
“Did you?” He asks, and I look at him through the mirror. His eyes are closed and his head is tilted back.   
“I did, I missed all of you,” I tell him, he sort of nods.   
“I know you did” He muses “But JJ was bad, and now he’s cool again” he laughs to himself. He doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride, just sort of hums to himself quietly. When I’m helping him up the stairs, his face suddenly becomes solemn.   
“Don’t leave him again Kie” He turns to me, he sounds sober now, and serious.   
“I’m not leaving any of you again” I state, but he shakes his head.   
“Don’t leave him Kie” he repeats, and I stare at him with wide eyes. I don’t respond, we just continue up the stairs and to my room. Pope falls asleep quickly, while his words continue replaying in my head on a loop. What did he mean? I couldn’t help but feel guilty, the feeling swearing off any chance of sleep tonight.


	10. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiara can't stop thinking about a certain blonde surfer...

“Todays the re-opening, right?” Mom asks, as I hand her a mug of tea.   
“Ya I’m headed over there now” I say, my voice quiet. I don’t know if she wanted me to sell, and I don’t feel like finding out.   
“Good luck” She smiles, and I smile lightly back. I head out, my anxiety getting worse the closer I get. I sent out the schedules right after Pope left, so I hope everyone is there today and there are no mix-ups. Diana also started marketing for the Wreck, just letting the town know it’s re-opening. I feel jittery inside, maybe It’s the two coffees and no sleep. I can see Diana waiting at the entrance talking to Henry.   
“Morning” I wave grabbing the keys to open the door.   
“You excited?” Diana asks, her eyes wide with what I assume is also excitement.   
“Scared” I laugh letting them in  
“Don't be, it looks great in here” She claps her hands. I notice Henry’s gaze drift around, an impressed look on his face.   
“I like it” He notes before scarring off to the lounge.   
“Thanks to you guys” I say, walking with her to the back office. “You guys seriously saved my ass,” I tell her, she waves me off   
“Don’t thank me again seriously” She insists   
“You guys did so much so fast” I quip  
“It was mostly JJ, he called us but when we got here he has already repaired the wall, and I just painted the mural” She explains, and a warm feeling spreads over me.   
“It was?” I ask, she nods   
“We just finished up” She says, her eyebrow arched, and a small smirk on her face.   
“What?” I huff knowing her enough to know she wants to say something.   
“Nothing” She holds her hands up in surrender making me chuckle.   
“I’ll make sure to thank him again” I say, my cheeks heating.   
“I could think of one way” She winks before she runs off to the lounge leaving me shellshocked. Did she know something, was I that obvious? I shake my head, needing to stop myself before I get distracted. When I get to the office I can hear more people walk in, and head to the lounge. Five minutes before opening I decide to talk to the staff, that’s what you’re supposed to do right. I head to the lounge, and everyone is chatting loudly.   
“Excuse me guys” I call, and all of their eyes turn to me. “So I’m, obviously, new to this, but I just wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive through all of this. If you guys have any questions feel free to ask or even if you guys have some advice I’d appreciate it” I explain, my hands clasped tightly together. Everyone suddenly erupts into applause, making me chuckle.   
“Today is for Mike” Derek calls, and I smile widely, feeling tears in my eyes.   
…  
“Told you today would be great” Diana says, as she leans on the countertop. Today flew by and we had so many new tourists come in. It was a good day.   
“Ya, it’s better than I expected” I nod, shutting the register. “Thanks for staying all day with me, you dint need to” I say as she follows me back to the office.   
“I wanted to” She responds making me smile. “Plus JJ was so upset that he couldn’t be here so” She smirks, and I turn away from her.   
“Is he meeting us at your place?” I ask her as I close the safe.   
“He should be, he’s been catching up on his work so” She shrugs   
“So some little birds told me they saw you talking to James” She suddenly blurts, I turn to her confused. I forgot how small this fucking town was.   
“Word got around then” I laugh, she shrugs and leans forward.   
“So spill” She urges, and I sigh.   
“James and I are old friends,” I tell her, she nods excitedly “He wanted to catch up, that’s all” I sigh moving past her so I can finish closing up.   
“So he asked you out?” She asks  
“No, I mean he flirted but it’s not a date” I stammer, feeling the rush of embarrassment fall over me.   
“Come on” She sighs “You are so oblivious Kie” She exclaims, making me chuckle.   
“He hasn’t even texted okay, so obviously it’s not a date” I state, she rolls her eyes. “Anyway it’s not a big deal” I add quieter this time. Diana’s phone rings and she quickly answers it.   
“Hey boo” She says, making me laugh “Ya, I think she’s down now, so we should be there in five-ten minutes” She hums. I shut off the backlights, quickly making sure all the kitchen appliances are off and stored away.   
“Okay, love you too” She hangs up, and jumps off the counter.   
“Ready?” She asks, her eyes bright.   
“How are you always so energetic?” I ask, as we start towards the door, she shrugs.   
“It’s a talent” She laughs. She rushes to her car, as I lock the door.   
“Beat you there” She yells out before quickly peeling out of the lot. I rush to my car, throwing my bag into the back seat before I peel out behind her.   
…  
After I answer the boy’s questions on how the reopening went, we sit down to watch a movie. I have a bowl of white cheddar popcorn in my lap. JJ sits beside me, his feet stretched onto the coffee table. John B and Diana share the love seat.   
“Horror!” JJ says as Diana starts scrolling through the Netflix moves.   
“We always do horror, how about romance for once?” She asks, her eyes hopeful.   
“Romance is too sappy” I concede, not in the mood to see two people fawn all over each other.   
“Come on you need it” She points the remote at me, I sigh   
“Why?” John B asks, a smile on his face.   
“She oblivious to love” Diana says, and I throw some popcorn at her.   
“I’m not oblivious” I glare her way, she laughs.   
“What about James then?” She asks eyebrow raised in challenge.   
“James?” JJ asks, and I keep my eyes trained on Diana.   
“James Richards” Diana confirms, and I can see the realization cross John B’s features.   
“Prom James?” JJ asks and finally I turn to him.   
“We ran into each other in the store” I tell him, shrugging and looking back down at my popcorn.   
“He asked her out” Diana says, and I groan outwardly, making her chuckle.   
“He didn’t” I retort quickly  
“He asked for your number right?” She asks  
“He wanted to catch up, that’s all” I stammer. John B lets out a hearty laugh.   
“He’s always liked you” John B agrees, making me turn my glare to him.   
“He hasn’t” I defend.   
“He asked you to prom” JJ adds in, I turn to him, and he shrugs before taking a small sip of his beer.   
“We were friends, I did go to prom with you, it’s not like we” I point frantically between us, and I can see the tint of pink on his cheeks.   
“You friend-zoned the guy Kie,” John B says, and I turn to him sighing.   
“Okay, maybe I didn’t feel it, and” I shrug   
“And nothing, that’s fine, but you were oblivious to his feelings” Diana smirks  
“I was distracted by other things” I blush, hopefully, they think it has to do with school or some shit.   
“And now?” She asks, and I don’t have a response. If I was being honest I knew he’d asked me out, but I didn’t want everyone to know that.   
“I.. I said yes to the catch up” I shrug, and she smiles widely.   
“It’s a date, and you said yes to a date” She claps excitedly.   
“Maybe, I don’t know” I stammer  
“You know he used to be married” JJ suddenly adds in again, I turn to him  
“I didn’t know,” I say, he nods, “People say he left her in Amsterdam for another woman” JJ adds   
“Ya I heard that” John B nods, and I sigh   
“Since when do you two gossip?” Diana smirks, and I laugh.  
“Just be careful kie” JJ says, his eyes oddly intense.   
“It’s not a date, but I’ll keep that in mind,” I tell him, he nods before averting his eyes.   
“Romance it is” Diana giggles happily before scrolling through the romance section. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, so I quickly pull it out.   
“Hey, it’s James” The message reads, and my cheeks burn. That was too much of a coincidence. “Was wondering If you wanted to hang out tomorrow?” Another message pops up.   
“Kie” John B says, I look up, slightly flustered.   
“What?” I ask   
“we’re voting on the notebook” He groans, I move my eyes to the screen, tucking my phone away.   
“Hell no” I say, and He laughs while Diana groans.   
“At least make it a comedy” I add.   
…  
I ended up responding to James and telling him I was free. It was weird because he said he wanted to take me to dinner. I guess I was just expecting a normal hangout. I was meeting him there, I thought the pickup would be too junior high, plus I was freaking out.   
“Why are you freaking out if it’s just a hangout?” Diana asks as she sits down on my bed. “It’s a date okay” I say, she nods triumphantly “I haven’t been on a date since high school” I admit plopping down on my desk chair, her eyes widen.   
“Why?” She asks   
“I was busy, and who wants to be with someone who’s constantly traveling,” I say, she nods   
“So you like this guy right?” She stands walking toward me. JJ pops into my head, and I quickly shake it away.   
“I think I want to,” I say, she smiles.   
“It’s fine, you already know him so it doesn’t need to be awkward” She explains. She moves to my closet, her face contorting weirdly.   
“Do you have any pants?” She asks, I laugh   
“Shut up, I was thinking that orange dress thing” I mutter feeling embarrassed. She pulls it out of the closet, her eyes scanning it.   
“Cute” She approves passing it to me.   
“it’s my mom’s” I say, looking at the dress with some annoyance. I wanted to go in what I was wearing, but I think dinner required some effort. Once I get dressed, she decided my hair is fine simply down, which is nice I guess.  
“You going out” I run into mom on the stairs Diana behind me.   
“I have a date” I say, pushing some hair from my face.   
“Oh, you look beautiful” She smiles taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.   
“Thanks” I smile, feeling warm. I move past her to head to the front door.   
“Say hi to JJ for me will you,” She says, and I freeze in my tracks. I turn to her, and she’s smiling nonchalantly at me.   
“I’m not seeing JJ tonight” I stammer feeling my cheeks heat. Her face seems to drop slightly and she looks over to Diana, who’s staring off awkwardly.   
“Oh sorry, I just assumed” She says, and I feel my cheeks burning. Even my mom thought I liked JJ, I was mortified. “I just thought since you two had gotten close again” She adds.   
“We’re just friends mom” I state, and she nods. I open the door and rush outside, feeling claustrophobic.   
“I don’t know why she said that” I tell Diana who nods vigorously. “JJ and I have only ever been friends” I ramble on.   
“I know” She nods “Maybe she just assumed because JJ obviously finds you attractive” She quips, and I freeze again.   
“He doesn’t, not like that” I stumble as a very non-friendly image from that night pops into my heat, staining my cheeks.   
“He does, it’s obvious” She smiles, but I can see more behind her eyes, and it makes me even more nervous.   
“I should go,” I say, she nods  
“Remember, he likes you so just be normal” She says waving at me.   
“Thanks for everything Dee” I call after her. She watches as I drive off, my heart beating wildly.   
…  
“Kiara Carrera I’m meeting a James Richards,” I tell the hostess, she looks down at the sheet in front of her.   
“Oh, he’s already seated, so we’ll take you right there” She smiles widely at me, I smile back. I follow her through the tables, of the dimly lit restaurant. The restaurant had a fresh sounding name and it was in figure-eight so I assumed it was expensive, and fancy. I spot James, he’s staring down at the menu as we approach the table. He looks up, and a smile spreads across his face.   
“Hey” He smiles, sort of semi-standing to greet me. I slide into the seat, and the hostess gives us one last smile before walking back.   
“Hi” I smile back, feeling the nerves of the situation. We kind of just stared at each other, no one saying anything. Thank god for the waiter who makes his way over.   
“Evening, can I get you two something to drink?” He asks, his smile gentle, but robotic.   
“A waters fine” I smile politely   
“Same for me” James adds, his smile wide. The Waiter nods before rushing off. I stare down at the menu, feeling the tension widen between us. I had no clue what to say, or ask.   
“This is weird, right” James laughs, I look up from the menu. I can see the blush on his face and it makes me smile.   
“I haven’t been on a date since high school so..” I counter, and he chuckles lightly.   
“Seriously?” He asks, his eyebrow raised in question.   
“Ya” I laugh “Not much time for it when you’re traveling,” I say, he nods   
“That makes sense” He nods “So I’m very curious what you’ve been doing for the last ten years” he leans forward, and I sigh fiddling with my menu.   
“I could say the same for you” I point out, and he smirks  
“You’re changing the subject” he notes   
“Really, I hadn’t noticed” I respond, and he laughs.   
“You’ve always been modest” He says, and I shake my head.   
“I’m not modest, it’s just not too interesting” I note, and he shakes his head a soft smile on his face.   
“Try me” He nods, and I sigh nodding. So I told him, the quick recap mostly because I’m kind of tired of repeating the full story.   
“How is that not interesting” He comments, and I groan   
“I’m sure you have an interesting story, tell me about Amsterdam” I urge wanting the topic off of me.   
“Well I met a lot of hippies” he jokes making me laugh “No, it was a great experience” He smiles fondly. “Lots of talking, and peaceful rallies but once you kind of create a spot you get to talk about real issues and find solutions to all sorts of global environmental problems” He finishes   
“Not as hands-on as helping third world agriculture,” He remarks making me blush   
“But you made a lot of change? What did you consult on specifically?” I ask just as the waiter comes without food.   
“I started as an intern, kind of a floater I guess,” He says “Then I transferred into the media technology aspect, helping with campaigns and spreading the word” He explains, I nod.   
“That’s a big part considering it’s where all the funding comes from,” I say, he shrugs and blushes “Who’s modest now,” I say. He leans back chewing slowly a smile on his face.   
“How have you not changed at all?” He asks  
“I was born awesome, so” I respond, he beams.   
“I’m serious, you’ve always been so… cool” he laughs   
“Thank you” I smile back. “I mean I hope I’m more mature than I was but ya thanks” I say, he laughs.   
“You’ve always been pretty mature” I take a sip of my water, and smile brightly.   
…  
“Thank you again for tonight, I had a great time,” James says as we start to our cars.   
“Me too” I smile.   
“Can I make something clear?” He asks, as he freezes. I stop in front of him, and nod. “This was a date, right?” He asks. I fiddle with one of my bracelets.   
“I mean, I.. I thought so” I say, and his smile spreads.   
“I’m super glad because I wasn’t sure you’d think so” He laughs  
“Why?” I ask   
“Well I know we were friends and I just didn’t know if you saw me like that” He explains, his face tinting. “Does that sound pathetic” He laughs   
“No, I’ve been told I’m pretty oblivious so” I respond, he smiles.   
“Well..” He laughs and I gently shove him giggling. “I’m glad this was a date… like really glad” he beams  
“Me too” I nod, and I feel this sudden rush of something unfamiliar roam over me. I suddenly felt guilty and I had to swallow down the lump in my throat. I see him start to lean in, and a sudden panicked feeling comes over me.   
“Wait” I stop him, my hands on his chest. His face falls and I can see he’s embarrassed.   
“I’m sorry, I just.. would it be okay if we took things slow?” I ask, feeling the tightness in my chest.   
“Ya, of course, I’m sorry if I came off pushy” He stands back  
“No, no it’s me. I’m just a little scatterbrained and I like you so I want to take things slow” I explain, a small smile crosses his face, and I breathe a sigh of relief.   
“I get it, I’m sorry I rushed things. I’m totally fine with slow’ He nods taking my hands in his.   
“Slower the better” he smirks making me chuckle   
“Thank you” I muse, and he nods before placing a gentle kiss to my cheek.   
“Goodnight Kie” He says before he turns towards his car. I get into my car, and let out a loud breathe. What was wrong with me? The date was great, he was great but I still could only think of JJ. I leaned my head down on the steering wheel, and I felt the sting of tears burns at my eyes. I wanted tonight to make me forgot about him, or at least prove that I could have that with someone else. I clutch at the steering wheel, sucking in a deep breath. The worst part was JJ would never feel that way about me. And here I was fucking pinning for him! The real reason I haven’t dated anyone seriously was because of him, it’s always been him.   
…  
“You have to tell me everything” Diana squeals pocking her head into the office.   
“You're not working today” I comment, placing the schedule down on the desk.   
“I came to see you” She responds, moving to sit across from me. “I need date details” She urges, her smile bright. I look back down at the schedule, my cheeks burning.  
“Kie” She says, her smile dimming slightly.   
“It was good” I nod, smiling, but it feels forced.   
“what happened?” She asks  
“Nothing” I assure her, and she glares tilting her head. “It was a good date,” I say, and she sighs   
“Then what’s wrong?” She asks concern covering her face. I wanted to tell her, I needed to tell someone. “You can trust me” She nods, noticing my hesitation. I bite down on my lower lip, leaning back into my chair.   
“It’s complicated” I blurt, she nods “The date was great, James was great, but I couldn’t stop thinking about..” I couldn’t say his name, it’s like my mouth suddenly filled with sand.   
“JJ” She finishes, and I sigh feeling even more pathetic.   
“That obvious?” I ask, she shakes her head.   
“I know you two have this.. chemistry” She explains, and I bite the inside of my cheek.   
“Well it’s mostly one-sided” I explain, she sighs and suddenly she moves so she’s sitting down on the desk in front of me.   
“We had sex” I blurt, her eyes widen  
“Yesterday?” She asks   
“No, the day I destroyed this place, he found me in tears and I kissed him, and..” I tell her, my cheeks burning.   
“What?” She exclaims, I nod “That's good, right?” She asks   
“No, It was a pity fuck, or whatever we both agreed to do it just that night” I say, feeling the rejection all over again.   
“Kie” she sighs “Have you tried telling him,” She asks, her eyes wide.   
“No, no that would ruin everything!” I stammer “He made it clear he wanted it just for that night, and I accepted it.” I add. She runs a hand through her hair, a weird look on her face.   
“I think you’re reaching, you should talk to him,” She says, and I shake my head.   
“I’ve liked him forever Dee, like since we were kids. Now it’s past the point of pathetic because I have someone sweet who wants to date me and I can’t get him out of my fucking head!” I yell, anger boiling inside of me. “It’s my fault too” I add quieter.   
“I’m sorry” She reaches out for me, her face sympathetic. “I just think you’re both pulling away from each other,” She says, and I can’t hear it cause It hurts too much  
“Please Dee, I can’t okay I can’t get hopeful or whatever It’s happened too many times. So please just tell me what to do about James” I stammer.   
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself Kie, it’s one date, you can be hesitant. I think you just need to try again and maybe it’ll help after a while” She nods   
“You don’t think that seems like I’m leading him on?” I ask  
“No, maybe you should just let yourself… you know without thinking about everyone else” She explains, and I sigh.   
“I don’t want to hurt him” I say.   
“Then be honest, take things slow” She clarifies, her tone soft.   
“I told him I wanted to take things slow” I nod  
“Then you have no reason to feel guilty” She encourages. I stare at her, and her eyes are filled with concern.   
“Please don’t tell John B” I huff  
“I won’t, I promise” She responds, and I nod.   
“Thank you” I smile  
“What are friends for” She smiles widely back.


	11. All I Need

“How’s your mom?” JJ asks, as we all sit down at the table. I haven’t seen much of my mom, she’s always hanging out with friends. Which is great, but it felt weird. Like we were strangers living together.   
“She’s okay, she’s keeping busy” I say as Diana hands me the salad bowl.   
“Well that’s good” Diana smiles widely, I nod. It felt more like she was avoiding me. She hasn’t even asked about The Wreck, since it’s opened.   
“Has she seen the new renovations?” JJ asks. He always seems to read my mind.   
“No, she hasn’t been by” I shrug, hoping the subject’s dropped.   
“I’m sure she will” Diana adds in, and I nod again.   
“So how was your date with James?” John B asks, smiling toothily at me.   
“You were just waiting for that… right” I huff, he laughs   
“I’m curious” He shrugs in response.   
“It was good, we had a nice time” I tell him, feeling my cheeks burns. I keep my eyes away from JJ, my heart hammering in my chest.   
“Where did he take you?” He asks   
“Some fancy restaurant, I don’t remember the name” I respond, he nods   
“Fancy, like cloth napkins fancy?” He quips making me smile.   
“And glass cups” I mock excitement, making them all laugh.   
“So will there be another date?” JJ adds in now, and I take a bite of the lasagna.   
“There has to be” Diana cheers happily, her eyes bright. I silently thank her. “Ya, I mean he hasn’t written, but” I shrug  
“He hasn’t written to you” JJ asks, and now I turn to him, and shrug again. “That’s kind of irritating right, isn’t it like a rule to check in after the first date?” He huffs, spinning his beer bottle with his finger.   
“You would know with all your first date experience?” I ask, feeling my cheeks redden. Why was he being like this?   
“I’m just saying” he quips quietly looking away from me. My phone rings out then, and I turn away from JJ. I notice a message from James   
“Speak of the devil” I mumble reaching for my phone.   
“I didn’t know if I had to wait the three days before texting you but…” he writes, and I smile lightly.   
“Oooh a smile” John B laughs, and I glare at him.   
“Fuck it, I’m just gonna ask if you want to go out again” another text pops up. I turn to Dee, who looks at me curiously.   
“He wants to go out again,” I say, she claps her hands  
“Let me see” She extends her hand, I hand her my phone. “Cute” she comments offhandedly. I turn my gaze to John B, who’s smirking at me.   
“Shut up” I comment, and he shrugs. Dee hands me my phone back, and I sigh.   
“Maybe I should plan this one, I don’t feel like being stuck in another fancy restaurant” I comment to myself staring down at my phone.   
“You’d think he knows that” I hear JJ say lowly, and I glare.   
“He’s nice, and..” I start but I don’t know what to say   
“And it’s none of your business” Diana helps, and I nod along.   
“I’m just saying Kie, you’d think the guy would know that about you” He exclaims, and I groan.   
“Well the whole point of dating is getting to know someone so” I retort, and he rolls his eyes.   
“What’s up your ass?” I huff, and he turns back to me, his eyes softer now.   
“I’m sorry” He blurts, and my glare softens slightly. “I’m just tired” He adds, he looks down at his plate. He pulls his chair back, and runs a hand through his hair.   
“I’m actually gonna go, I need to sleep,” he remarks, and I stare shocked.   
“Seriously?” John B asks   
“Ya, rough day on the boat” He gives him a hard look, and John B nods.   
“Sorry again Kie, don’t listen to me” He places a hand gently against mine, and squeezes slightly. My hand tingles from the pressure of his.   
“Thanks for Dinner Dee” He smiles at her and then he turns to leave. Once he’s out the door, the urge to run after him is too strong. I give John B a look, and he sighs, his eyes telling me to just leave it. I push my chair back and rush out the door, unable to just leave it.   
“JJ” I call, he’s at his car. He turns once he hears his name.   
“Are you okay?” I ask, and a small smile pops onto his face.   
“You don’t need to be worried Kie, I’m tired” He assures me, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.   
“JJ” I say again, quieter this time, his smile falls. He turns away from me, running a hand through his hair. I move closer, my heart beating loudly. He turns back to me, and the small smile is back, and he takes a small breath.   
“I’m fine, I promise, just tired” He says, his voice coming out stronger, but I still don’t believe him. He goes to open his door, and hop in.   
“James is a good guy, I’m sorry I was being stupid in there,” He says. His eyes are too serious, it makes my stomach clench. I want to ask him if he really means that, but I smile instead.   
“Just being protective, I get it” I assure him, he nods. I wave as he drives off smiling widely. I feel the physical ache of my heart, and it makes me slightly dizzy. I suck in a steadying breathe, before I make my way back inside. Dee gives me a sympathetic look, and John B looks curious.   
“Just making sure he didn’t leave because of me” I say, hopefully sounding lighter than I feel.   
“You know how dramatic JJ can be” John B laughs, and maybe I’m hearing things but he sounds tense.   
“Ya” I smile back  
…  
“Kie” I hear Dee call, I turn away from the papers on my desk. She has her head poked in, a worried look on her face.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask, pushing my chair back.   
“I kind of forgot to drop off some paperwork to John B’s office, and it’s a rush out there.” She points behind her “Is there any way you could go drop it off he really needs it” She asks.   
“Ya sure, I’m going on break now anyway” I smile, she sighs in relief.   
“You are a lifesaver” She exclaims as she pushes into the office, a stack of papers in her hands. I reach for the paper, and she grins widely at me.   
“Do you know where it is?” She asks  
“Actually no, I haven’t been yet” I stand pushing in my chair.   
“You remember where the old KFC was?” She asks “The one close to JJ’s house?” She adds   
“Ya, I do” I nod   
“The KFC shut down so they took over the rent” She explains, and it makes me chuckle.   
“Okay, got it” I nod at her, she grins again.   
“Thanks again” She calls as she rushes back to the floor. I grab my bag, and car keys.   
“Kie” Henry calls, I turn to him   
“I have the shipment order here” He points at the duo-tang in his hands.   
“Perfect just put it in my office bin and I’ll send it out when I get back” I instruct, he nods. My phone beeps loudly in my purse, I pull it out.   
“Tonight, the beach?” James writes. I told him I wanted to do something low-key, so I guess this is his suggestion.   
“Ya, perfect” I respond as I walk out the front door.   
“Okay, meet there at seven?” He writes back quickly. I send him a simple yes before tucking my phone back into my bag. The drive is short, and I spot JJ’s truck in the lot. I grab the papers off of the front seat and hop out. I walk in without knocking, and I’m met with an empty waiting room. The place is nice, no carpet like I expected but simple hardwood floors. Black chairs line one of the walls, with a small table between every two chairs.   
“Be right out” I hear JJ call, his voice muffled. I move to the front counter, and can’t help the big smile plastered on my face. I put my elbows on the counter, leaning forward to see what’s on the other side. It looks like a receptionist desk, with files, sticky notes, pens, and staplers. I look up when I see JJ’s flash of blonde hair at the back door. He still hasn’t noticed me, his back is facing me, and he’s carrying a big cardboard box in his hands.   
“Sorry for the wait” He places the box down and turns.   
“You should be” I say, and I can see the surprise on his face.   
“Kie.” He says kind of breathless “What are you doing here?” He asks running a hand through his hair.   
“Dee said you guys needed these papers ASAP” I extend my hand with the papers, and he looks at it with a confused look.   
“Oh” He mutters more to himself as a look of realization passes over his features. “Thanks” He smiles taking them from my hands.   
“So I want to know why haven’t I seen this place yet?” I ask my eyes roaming over the small room again.   
“There’s nothing really to see” He laughs  
“I’m still impressed, you guys have your own company” I smile brightly, he blushes.   
“So what’s back there?” I point to the door he just came from, he turns slightly.   
“Our offices, well office split in two” He explains, and I give him another impressed look. “You want to see, don’t you” He laughs, I nod vigorously. He smiles lightly before moving to open the door, and I quickly rush around to him. The room is about the same size as the waiting room, but it does seem to be split. Both sides have their own small desk and computer, and a wall of filing cabinets split the room.   
“Wow” I muse, he moves off to the right side placing the papers on the desk.   
“Fascinating right” he mocks, running his fingers through his hair.   
“It’s weird to see honestly” I respond, he arches his brow. “You and John B so business-like” I explain, and he laughs.  
“Trust me, we spend as little time in the office as possible” He sighs   
“So do you guys do the fishing too?” I ask  
“Ya, we have two large boats, and John B and I go out on the Pogue to help, or we help manage the other boats” He explains leaning his arm on his chair.   
“So you’re super hands-on” I clarify  
“We try to be, I mean it use to be just the Pogue and a couple day workers we’d pay to help” He explains, and I smile.   
“Now look at you, you don’t even have to do the fishing” I smirk, and he chuckles.   
“No but we’re stuck with the paperwork” He huffs  
“You could hire people for that” I counter, and he nods  
“Waste of money” he pulls out the chair, and points for me to take a seat. I sit down, spinning around in a small circle. He pulls another chair over before plopping down on it.   
“This is actually super cool” I point around aimlessly, he chuckles rubbing at his eyes.   
“Ya, I guess” He remarks yawning.   
“Long night?” I ask, he nods.   
“Just didn’t get much sleep” He explains.   
“Anything particular or?” I ask him concerned, his cheeks turn pink, and he looks away from me.   
“I actually hung out with someone last night” He says quietly. The words slice me, and I try not to outwardly wince. Last night after he said he was tired and needed to sleep? I feel anger wash over me, but I push it away.   
“Oh” I mutter, still shocked.   
“Ya, I kind of took your advice to try something out” He says, and I nod. I did say that, and I can feel the self-hatred inside of me.   
“So who is it?” I ask, even though I don’t really want to know. He blushes again running a hand through his hair.   
“You know Georgia right?” He asks. Georgia was a gorgeous blonde waitress that worked for me. She was thoroughly obsessed with JJ.   
“Ya” I spit out, keeping a small smile on my face.   
“Well she actually asked to hang out when I was dropping off some deliveries for you, and ya I kind of just took her up on it” He explains, his voice quiet. He bites his lower lip, and runs his fingers through his already tousled hair.   
“Was it just a sex thing then or?” I ask, feeling the ache in my stomach.   
“I don’t do just the sex thing anymore remember” He said, and I leaned back in my seat.   
“So having sex on the first date isn’t doing the just sex thing?” I retort. I sound hateful, and judgmental even to my own ears.   
“Well no cause we’re planning on going out again” He stammers a bit embarrassed. His eyes are soft and his cheeks pink. I bite the inside of my cheek and take a small steadying breath.   
“Oh, well then that’s great” I smile widely, hoping it makes up for my judgment. “I really hope it works out for you” I say, my eyes serious now. I did want him to be happy, even if it hurt to hear. I stand up quickly, the chair hitting the desk lightly. He gives me a weird look, and I push a curl from my face.   
“I should get back, my breaks almost over” I lie smiling, he stands.   
“Okay, well thanks for bringing the papers by” He smiles as I start towards the front door.   
“No problem” I rush out about to run out of there.   
“Kie?” He makes me freeze, I turn a curious look on my face. “See you tomorrow right, at game night” he says quickly, his cheeks pink again.   
“Ya, ya of course, and congrats again on your date with Georgia” I smile, feeling the deep ache inside of me again.   
“Thanks” He chuckles “And have fun tonight with James” He adds, pushing his hands into his pockets.   
“Ya, I will” I nod pushing the door with my back. I quickly rush to my car, feeling the deep need to flee.   
…  
I spot James on a blanket close to the water, the sight brings a small smile to my face. The wind blows my hair into my face, making me freeze and push it away.   
“Kie” I hear James call, his voice muffled by the wind. I continue forward, smiling widely at him.   
“Hey” He says once I get to the small picnic he set up.   
“Hey” I push off my slides and sit down tucking my legs under me.   
“Sorry about the wind” He comments as a gust blows past us.   
“No, it’s fine, I love the setup” I assure, he blushes slightly.   
“So how was work?” He asks, and I can’t help the small laugh that bubbles out of me   
“Work?” I smile, he sighs and nods   
“I know, but I’m trying to figure this out” he points between us, and I nod in agreement.   
“How about we talk about something fun..?” I ask looking over at the cresting waves. “Like surfing” I point out to the water. His gaze shifts and he stares ahead.   
“I don’t know how to” He responds   
“I could teach you, it’s amazing once you know what you’re doing” I smile brightly, he turns and smiles back.   
“I’ve kind of always wanted to learn” He nods. I switch positions so I’m now leaning back onto my palms staring at the beautiful ocean.   
“Well then I’ll teach you on the next date” I nod, and his gaze quickly shifts to me.   
“So you’re planning another date?” He asks almost apprehensively.   
“I mean, you weren't?” I ask, feeling heat roll over me.   
“No, I was totally. I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to” he laughs   
“Why?” I ask   
“Cause I’m awkward” He states simply   
“Awkward’s cute” I point out, he chuckles   
“I have not been informed of that” He responded, and I fake gasp.   
“Well now you have” I quip, and he nods a small knowing smile on his face. “What?” I ask   
“I like you,” He remarks simply   
“Oh” I say kind of shocked at the statement.   
“Is that too much?” He laughs   
“No, I hope you like me” I respond, pushing some curls behind my ear. He looks down at the basket, and realization crosses his features.   
“You want a drink?” He asks, and I nod vigorously. He pulls out a six-pack of beers, and hands me one. “I also have coolers if you want” He says, and I shake my head. I twist off the top and take a small sip.   
“Okay, I know” I say, and he turns to me. “So I may have heard a story about you” I explain, and he sighs.   
“About someone from Amsterdam?” He asks, and I nod.   
“No judgment just curious” I hold up my hands, he takes a sip of his beer leaning back on his palms.   
“Her name is Sarah” He says, and I turn the wind whipping my hair into my face again. “We met a year after I moved to Amsterdam, she worked in the marketing aspect of Greenpeace so we had a lot in common” He muses. I notice he’s not looking at me, but straight ahead.   
“We started dating, and fast forward a couple years, I wanted to come home, she wanted to stay, and I left” He finishes up quickly, his voice higher than normal. I could tell he was giving me the rushed version, but I didn't push for details.   
“So there was no other woman?” I ask, and he sighs loudly.   
“No” He shakes his head lightly. I take a sip of my beer, moving my gaze to the water.   
“Why did you want to come back?” I ask, he turns to me, his eyes traveling over my face.   
“My career was kind of plateauing and Amsterdam was staring to feel..” He struggles to find a word  
“claustrophobic” I suggest   
“Ya… I guess I just wanted to come home” he shrugs, and I nod.   
“That must have been hard” I say, he sits up, running his hand across his chin.   
“Our relationship was rocky for a while before I left” He explains, his tone tight.   
“Did you want her to come home with you?” I blurt, curiosity getting the best of me.   
“I think….” He starts before he turns in my direction. “I think when she was hesitant that was kind of a sign for me, that we weren’t working” He explains. I understood what he meant, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Another gust of wind blows over us, making me shiver. He notices and shrugs off his jacket.   
“I’m okay” I assure, but he tilts his head, and I accept it. “Thanks” I smile.   
“What about you then?” He asks, and I arch my brow confused. “Any mystery man?” He asks, I shake my head even as a blonde surfer pops into my head.   
“Nope, it makes it easy to travel. No obligations” I say, and I realize how bitter the words sound. I try to paste a smile onto my face, but it feels forced and unnatural.   
“Is that why you never settled down?” He asks, leaning back onto his palm. The truth was too hard to explain, so Instead I nod.   
“What about now?” He asks “Do you think you’re ready to settle down?” He explains.   
“Can I be honest?” I ask   
“Ya” he nods. I wrap his jacket tighter around me, letting out a long breath.   
“I don’t know if I’m ready, but I do want to try” I say, and a small smile breaks out onto his face.   
“I’m honored,” He remarks “Oh, I meant with someone else” I joke, he chuckles “Kidding” I add if it wasn’t obvious. His eyes are bright, and I can see the heat behind them it makes me blush.   
“Can I kiss you?” He breathes, his voice quiet. I lean forward slightly, my eyes glued to his lips. He follows along, and then his soft lips are against mine. The kiss doesn’t make me dizzy or tingly, but it’s sweet. It makes me smile, and maybe that’s all I need.


	12. Take The Plunge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Naked, and Empty Space by James Arthur  
> Also check out Lose Somebody by Kygo ❤️

“Georgia’s good” I hear JJ’s voice coming from the kitchen, I freeze. Diana invited us over for a movie night, I guess I’m the last to show up.  
“I honestly can’t believe your dating her” John B responds, a small chuckle escapes his lips.   
“Why is that hard to believe?” He asks, his voice hard.   
“First off she’s only twenty-one, and second you haven’t shown any interests before?” John B explains, I step closer, making sure to tiptoe.   
“I guess I just realized it was time” JJ responds quietly “Plus her age doesn’t matter” He adds like an afterthought.   
“I just think you’re rushing thing, and you know why,” John B tells him, his voice becoming serious. I couldn’t help the curiosity that bloomed over me.   
“It’s not about that” JJ retorts, his tone harder.   
“It is, and I think if you just..” He stops when Diana calls for him in the other room.   
“She beckons” JJ laughs  
“Fuck you” John B laughs too before rushing down the hall. I wait a couple seconds before I close the door loudly behind me.   
“Kie?” I hear JJ’s call  
“Hey” I respond heading to the kitchen. JJ’s filling a couple of bowls with popcorn when I walk in. He looks up at me with a wide smile.   
“Sorry I’m late,” I say placing my bag on the counter.   
“No it’s fine, Dee’s working on a project in the room so it might be a while.” He chuckles lightly.   
“So how have you been?” I ask sitting down, he looks back at me a confused but amused look on his face.   
“How have I been?” He asks, and I nod “Good I guess, busy” He responds the smirk prominent on his face. “You?” He asks   
“Fine, fine” I nod, and now he chuckles. “Did you have something you wanted to ask?” He places his hands flat on the counter leaning forward.   
“So I saw Georgia” I blurt, and he nods, “She told me she was thinking of having a barbecue, to meet your friends,” I say, and he bites the inside of his cheek.   
“Did she?” He remarks, and I nod.   
“So it must be getting serious?” I ask, tapping the counter.   
“It’s only been a month Kie,” He says, and I nod   
“Well I know, but she seems serious,” I say, and he laughs   
“She’s twenty-one” He shrugs “She just wants to be incorporated in the friend group, I don’t know” He seems defensive   
“Hey I didn’t say it was bad” I hold my hands up, and he nods.   
“It’s weird” he starts “She wants all this commitment, and I still feel like..” He doesn’t finish the sentence   
“You don’t feel like you’re really In a relationship?” I offer  
“That sounds so dicky” He comments “I like her I do, I just think I don’t know how to be in a relationship” He explains   
“How so?” I ask   
“I feel like I’m not doing what she wants,” He says   
“There are no rules to dating besides not sleeping with someone else,” I say “Are you sleeping with anyone else?” I ask   
“What?! No” he shakes his head   
“Than just talk to her, and if you still want to take it slow that’s fine cause it’s only been a month, not a year” I laugh, he nods.   
“You're the only person who understands that, I talked to Pope and he… he thinks I should commit” He sighs, running a hand through his hair.   
“Pope’s always been a romantic,” I say, and he chuckles   
“I think he’s just worried,” He says, and I look at him confused “Worried about me being alone” JJ explains, but he looks away from me quickly.   
“When did you suddenly become an old spinster, wait is that just for woman?” I ask, and he chuckles   
“Pope’s also dramatic,” He remarks, and I nod in agreement.   
“She’ll be right out” John B suddenly walks in, his eyes move quickly between us. “When did you get here?” He asks   
“A couple minutes ago,” I say, he nods.   
“Dee’s just finishing up one of her paintings” he explains   
“Ya, so that means no romantic movies and I get first pick” I cheer before rushing to the living room.   
“No” I hear Dee call from down the hall, and I laugh.   
“You snooze you lose” I call back, flipping on the TV.   
“Fuck you” She responds making us all laugh.   
…  
His lips meet mine in a frenzy. I can feel his hands wrap around my middle, pulling me against him. The kiss is rushed and quick, as he pulls down onto his couch, his body blocking mine. He breaks away, moving to trail soft kisses on my neck. I can feel the loud beating of my heart, and the rush of adrenaline course through me. I feel his fingers move to the hem of my shirt, and my nerves suddenly burst forward.   
“Stop” I cry out, pulling myself away from his eager lips. He looks dazed, and his hair is standing up in every direction.   
“What’s wrong?” He asks, sounding breathless. I sit up and fix my shirt, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks.   
“I.. sorry, I just need to..” I don’t know how to finish the sentence. I didn’t know why I had stopped, it just felt so rushed.   
“No, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have rushed. You just make me kind of crazy” he remarks making me smile widely. I move to caress his cheek lightly, before taking a steadying breath.   
“I want to, I don’t know why I stopped” I admit, the words kind of coming out jumbled. He moves so his hand his against my thigh, and his eyes are on mine.  
“We don’t have to” He mumbles, his lips still swollen from our earlier kisses. I take a deep breath, and I shake my head. I was scared, and I don’t know why.   
“I want to” I reiterate, my voice shaky, he smiles and moves to peck my lips. He pushes me lightly backward, so he’s lingering on top of me. His lips trailing down my neck. I find myself looking at the ceiling fan, watching the blades spin around and around. Then I feel his fingers back on the hem of my shirt, and I move my gaze back to his. He has a question in his eyes behind the longing. I take another breath before I lean up and capture his lips. He tasters like cinnamon gum, and it makes my lips tingle. I move my hands down his sides to grip his shirt. He leans up and I rip the shirt up, breaking our kiss. He rushes back down, his lips hungry and hot. I arch up so he can pull up my shirt, our breaths ragged, and steamy.   
“Are you sure?” He breathes out. I can feel the nerves in my stomach, but I shake them away and nod.   
“Yes,” I breathe out, my chest moving up and down rapidly. He smiles widely before pulling me back into another heated kiss.   
…  
The blades move so quickly, it looks like one big swirl. I can feel James lay a small kiss to my collarbone, it makes me look back at him with a small smile. His cheeks are pink, and his hair is mused. I blush as his smile turns into a smirk.   
“You’re beautiful” He states, and I chuckle looking back up at the ceiling fan. “I’m serious, you are” He adds, and I smile widely.   
“I’m glad you think so after what we just did” I respond, lightly mocking the vulnerable state we were in. He laughs and pulls me closer to him, his chin resting on my shoulder.   
“It’s weird” he muses lightly, I crane my neck to look at him curiously. “How we met in high school and I had a monster crush on you” he laughs, but it sounds tight.   
“You did,” I ask, even though the boys told me so.   
“You didn’t notice?” He asks, his brow raised in question.   
“Not at the time” I admit, he nods. “I wish I had,” I say, and his smile widens.   
“Timing wasn’t right” he smiles, and I feel a small twist in my gut.   
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” I say  
“No, it was a long time ago, plus now it feels different more grown-up” He nods, making me laugh.  
“It does” I nod. It felt so simple.   
“Thank you for being patient” I whisper my eyes back on the ceiling fan.   
“Anytime” he laughs, I chuckle along. I feel him settle, and relax into the couch. I keep my eyes up, my heart suddenly beating too fast. I could feel the heat in my veins, and the familiar rush in my cheeks. Why couldn’t I relax? Why couldn’t I enjoy this man beside me? I could feel myself stiffen and become rigid as he started to let out soft snores. I felt claustrophobic, and I couldn’t breathe. I shifted slightly to see if it would wake him, but his snores continued. I quickly and quietly untangle myself from him. My clothes are scattered so I rush to pick them up, and put them on. I spare a glance back to James before the panic rises inside of me again and I rush out the front door. I was having an anxiety attack, and I could feel it begging to get worse. I scramble into my car, quickly pulling out of his driveway. I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is my breathing is coming out in quick bursts. I feel the pressure on my chest, and I open my window letting the air rush inside of the car. Before I know it I’m parked in front of JJ’s house. The house looks foreign and new. The once broken down house looks new, and isn’t littered with empty beer cans. I clutch my steering wheel, and let my eyes wander across the property. I would have thought he’d move, but Dee told me he fixed it up instead. I shut off my engine, and hop out feeling more nervous now that I’m here. I stare at the house that once caused so much pain for him, the thought sends a sharp pain through my stomach.   
~  
“Welcome to my shit hole” JJ remarks sarcastically. He leads us inside and I try not to show the disgust on my face. I could smell the alcohol, like the smell absorbed into the broken-down walls of the house. I knew he’d had it bad, with all his ripped shirts and bruises, I didn’t expect a mansion. I notice John B steps closer to him, keeping a carefree smile onto his face. Pope on the other hand looks appalled at the surroundings.   
“Where’s your dad?” Pope asks.   
“Out, at work, I think” He responds, but I could tell he didn’t actually know. We walk farther in, the living room floor was littered with bottles, that JJ bent down to pick up. I lent down grabbing a couple of beer cans off the ground, John B followed along.   
“You don’t have to,” JJ says, and I noticed the pink in his cheeks.   
“These need to be recycled,” I say, and I notice him relax slightly.   
“We’re not a recycling family” he smiles at me, and I feel myself relax slightly.   
“I’ll fix that” I respond, and he sighs but nods.   
“Boys piles of glass, cans, and plastic” I order, and they all nod in unison. After we finished picking up all the trash and piling it into a very impressive recycling system we all move to sit outside on the porch.   
“Now you guys know” JJ blurts, and I turn to him confused “Why I never invite you over” he adds simply, his eyes staring off into the distance.   
“Dude, we don’t care,” John B says, placing his arm around JJ’s shoulders.   
“But I do,” JJ remarks, his tone hard.  
“You shouldn’t,” Pope says, and JJ sighs loudly, looking down at the ground.   
“I’m tired of hiding everything,” he remarks, his tone somber.   
“We’re tired of you hiding too,” I say, and he moves his gaze to me. “We’ve all got shit we want to hide, but Pogues don’t keep secrets from Pogues,” I tell him, he nods.   
“I’m out if being a Pogue means you three are always in my business” He jokes, making me smile.   
“You’re stuck now, dumb-ass” I wink, and he chuckles. “We’re all stuck” I add, and John B whistles loudly. He has a wicked look In his eyes as he jumps up and tackles all of us at once, our laughs echoing loudly.   
~  
The memory makes me smile, but the anxiety buzzes behind my eyelids. I’m about to run back into my car when I see the screen door open, my heart hammering. JJ’s eyes lock with mine, and he looks confused. I shrug, telling him I’m confused too. He moves down the walkway towards me, his eyes filled with worry. I don’t even know why I’m here, it’s like my car moved without me realizing it.   
“Hey” He stops in front of me, his eyes wide with concern. I clasp my hands together, feeling the deep thrum of my heart behind my eyes.   
“I don’t know why I’m here” I blurt, and he nods. “I was just driving and then poof I was here” I explain, my tone wobbly. He steps closer to me, and I can smell his cologne.   
“What’s wrong?” He asks, and I bite down on my lip to keep It from quivering. I look away from him and towards the big weeping willow tree. I felt pathetic suddenly, my heart was aching in my chest.  
“Kiara,” He says, his tone bringing me out of my deep thoughts.   
“I just got scared,” I say, and he nods urging me on. “I… I don’t know how to relax, I just feel like I’m always on edge” I try to explain.   
“about what?” He asks   
“I got freaked out with James” I admit, my heart racing.   
“Okay, come inside we’ll talk,” he says, turning around to walk back to the front door. I follow him inside.   
“You want something to drink?” He asks once we step inside. I’m too shocked to answer. The whole place is completely different. The walls are painted a beige color, with white trim. The furniture is simple, but there is actually furniture inside. I stop as I see a picture of all of us on the boat, just after before graduation.   
“You still have the picture,” I say, my eyes moving across it.   
“Dee said I needed art, but I obviously don’t own any so” He explains.   
“It feels like so long ago” I muse  
“Ya,” he agrees. I turn to him, and I can feel my heart hammer again.   
“I could use some water,” I say. He smiles lightly before nodding. I follow him to the kitchen, taking everything in as I walk. I sit down at the breakfast nook he has, as he moves to the sink to pour me a glass of water. I look out the window, and I just now noticed the sun is starting to set. It shines orange against the water. I hear the click of the glass hitting the table, but I keep my eyes on the glistening water.   
“You want to talk about why you freaked out?” He asks. When I don’t respond, he starts again “it’s funny, I never knew you were such a commitment-phobe” I turn to him, my eyes in a hard line. “I’m not” I counter, he gives me a hard look.   
“So what’s the issue then?” He asks, and I huff. I couldn’t tell him that I was trying to get over him, so instead I don’t say anything. “Kie, you think too much,” He says  
“I know” I nod “Can I be honest with you?” I ask, turning to him. His eyes are soft as he nods in response.   
“We had sex for the first time today,” I say, and I wait for the awkward turn away, but he nods again albeit stiffly, but he's not awkward.   
“Was it terrible?” He asks, and now I blush   
“It was good, normal” I respond “But after I kind of freaked” I explain.   
“Did he say something?” He asks   
“No he just called me beautiful” I shrug. “But I started to feel claustrophobic” I add  
“Classic commitment-phobe,” He remarks and I sigh   
“It would be so easy you know” I sigh “Being with him feels easy and nice, but he makes it sound so romantic and full of hope. I’m not there with it” I admit, feeling my cheeks heat.   
“So you’re scared his feelings are more advanced than yours?” He asks, his eyebrow arched.   
“Ya, maybe, I don’t know. I think it just surprises me that he feels so strongly” I explain, moving my knees up to my chest.   
“Why are you so in your head about this?” I turn to him, and his eyes staring into mine.   
“God, I don’t know” I stammer, leaning my chin on my knee.   
“Can I be honest with you?” He copies my words from earlier, so I nod. “You haven’t been in a relationship for, honestly I don’t know how long and it’s confusing you. You have James who knows he wants you and that weirds you out, but it shouldn’t.” He finishes. Was I weirded out, or did I just feel guilty for not feeling the same way? “Or it makes you feel guilty cause you aren’t there yet” He adds, almost as if he’s read my mind.   
“Why can’t I just be there?” I ask, he laughs.   
“Go slow Kie, it’s not like you’re in a rush,” He says, and I nod.   
“What if he is?” I blurt, he nods almost like he’s figured something out.   
“Give it some more time” He assures me. I move my gaze back out the window, staring at the soft breeze passing over the branches of the trees.   
“How’s Georgia?” I ask  
“You’re changing the subject,” He says, I turn back to him  
“I’m curious” I shrug, and he laughs lightly.   
“She’s good” He nods, I nod too. “I’ve decided to have that barbecue” He adds, and for some reason, the words cause me pain.   
“You did?” I mumble.   
“Took the plunge” He nods, and I have to turn away again.   
“Maybe I should do the same” I stammer, feeling the heat in my cheeks.   
“Kie” He says my name so softly, it makes my heart flip. “I just want you to be happy” He sighs, and I turn back to him. “If James makes you happy then you should try if he doesn’t you should end it, it’s that simple” He explains, his eyes intense. I don’t trust my voice, so I simply nod in agreement.   
“I want you to be happy too” I add afterward when the pressure isn’t so heavy.   
“So then we both should try something new” He shrugs, and I don’t know If it’s just my imagination but the tension between us feels charged. If I just leaned forward something would change. But I need him, and I couldn’t risk the uncertain change, so I just nod and smile.   
…  
“You know I’ve met your friends before” James laughs as we sit in the car on the way to JJ’s house.   
“I know” I nod  
“You just seem nervous” He explain, and I move my gaze straight ahead.   
“This is just new, and it’s going to weird seeing Georgia and JJ together” I blurt, and stiffen.   
“Because you’re her boss?” He asks   
“Ya” I nod.   
“Do you like her?” He asks   
“She’s nice I guess, I don’t really know her” I push my curls behind my ear. “She’s pretty chatty” I add almost as an afterthought.   
“Ya, I think my sister and her use to be friends” He states   
“Oh” I respond. I spot John B’s van as we pull into JJ’s driveway. I also spot a red Camry, which I assume is Georgia’s. I step out of the car, and James is already on my side, taking my hand in his.   
“Ready” He smiles widely, I nod. I know everyone is probably outside, but I walk inside first.   
“Hello” I call  
“Outside Kie” John B calls back, and I smile moving towards the back door. JJ and John B are at the grill, they both turn towards me. I notice their eyes move to James, and John B’s smile widens.   
“Where’s Dee?” I ask not spotting her  
“She’s meeting us here” John B answers, I nod. I walk down towards them, and I notice James has tightened his grip on my hand.   
“You guys remember James” I smile, feeling my skin heat. John B is the first to extend his hand.   
“Nice to see you again man” He smiles politely, James take his hand. JJ’s staring down at the grill, before John B nudges him discreetly.   
“Hey man” JJ says, shaking his hand. It’s quiet, and all of us are just staring.   
“Where’s Georgia?” I blurt, and JJ finally looks at me.   
“Georgia” JJ calls, and I turn hearing the door smack open. She’s carrying a tray, and has a wide smile across her face.   
“Kiara” She cheers, her tone high. She rushes over, placing the tray down on the table, before rushing over to me and pulling me into a tight hug.   
“Georgia” I smile  
“So glad you’re finally here, I need a margarita and a girl” She exclaims happily.   
“Oh, ya” I stammer a bit taken back. She turns to James, and her eyes widen. “James right?” She asks  
“Ya” He nods, she moves out pull him into a tight hug.   
“So nice to meet you” She squeals   
“You too” He chuckles, his cheeks pink.   
“So you boys stay out here, babe I put all the stuff you need on the tray, if you need anything else call me kay” She moves to kiss his cheek, and I’m just staring shocked. She grabs my hand and starts pulling me back to the house. I turn back to John B, JJ, and James, and they all just chuckle slightly. She finally lets me go when we get inside.   
“You okay with margaritas?” She asks, continuing to the kitchen.   
“Sure” I nod. I sit down at the breakfast nook, watching as she moves effortlessly around the kitchen. The sight makes me uncomfortable, she knows her way so well, which means she’s here a lot.   
“So..” She smiles widely. “Can you believe it” She laughs loudly   
“What?” I ask   
“Me and JJ” She exclaims, I nod.   
“Ya” I nod, at a loss for words. She pours some tequila into the blender, a wide smile on her face.   
“he’s great” She sighs happily. “He’s everything I want in a man” she laughs loudly. The door swings open, and I spot Dee looking a bit rundown. Her hair Is up in a messy bun, and she’s wearing her paint-covered overalls.   
“I finished it” She cries out happily   
“You did” I cheer back, hopping off my seat to pull her into a tight hug.   
“It was a tight deadline, but I made it” She sighs tears in her eyes. “I’m so happy for you Dee” I smile widely at her, she nods. Her gaze moves to Georgia, who turns on the blender.   
“Congrats” She yells over the noise, Dee smiles widely back at her. The bending is shut off and she pulls out three glasses filling them equally.   
“Come get it ladies” She holds out two glasses, Diana’s the first to walk forward and grab one.   
“I’m celebrating” She sighs happily, plopping down on one of the open seats.   
“We all are” Georgia smiles giving me an encouraging look. I take the outstretched glass, and she looks happy. Georgia leads us over to the couches, with the promise of girl talk.   
“So, I want details about James” She winks at me, her eyes bright.   
“Details?” I laugh albeit a bit awkwardly.   
“Yes, how’s it going, he’s very cute” She laughs. I take a small sip of my margarita, buying myself some time. The sweet, but sour drink, makes me wince slightly.   
“Too sour?” She asks sounding outraged. “No, sorry I’m just used to beer,” I tell her, she nods.   
“Once you have a few of these” She grins wildly. I turn behind us but the door is shut, so I can’t see the boys.   
“You think James is okay?” I ask Dee, she laughs, sipping her drink.   
“He’s fine, I made John B promise to be nice” She mumbles over her margarita, I nod.   
“JJ actually told me to take you inside, so he could get to know James better, you know boys and girls” Georgia adds in, and my jaw drops.   
“He did?” I ask, she nods out full.   
“He’s being protective, it’s one of the things I love about him” She coos lightly. Love, she already loves things about him. I shift slightly uncomfortable. “Plus all of us need to stick together, you know with all of that Pogue macho stuff” She laughs, and my heart feels like it’s being squeezed. I was part of that Pogue macho stuff, and now I’m sipping margaritas feeling like a complete idiot. I could feel the familiar rush of panic rise over me.   
“I’m a Pogue” I say stiffly, and she nods. “I know, but now you have us girls so” She laughs, but I don’t see what’s funny. Was It inevitable for the guys to think of me as just a spouse or a girlfriend once I brought someone here. I was always apart of their stuff, and now… I’m confused.   
“Being a Pogue isn’t a boy thing” I respond, my voice hard, her smile drops. “It’s our thing, and it’s important” I add, my voice rising. I notice how shocked she looks, and I look away from her already feeling guilty. “Sorry, never mind,” I say, tightening my grip on the glass in my hand.   
“I just meant girl time is important” She says, I nod.   
“I know, I’m just stressed” I smile widely hoping she moves on.   
“I want to know how you made JJ have this barbecue” Dee laughs, and the conversation is back on track. The screen door is pushed open and we all turn to see John B, with a smile on his face.   
“When did you get here?” He asks Dee with a soft smile  
“Couple minutes ago” She shrugs, craning her neck to see him. He moves towards her, bending down to peck her lips.   
“Did you get it in?” He asks, she nods happily, and his smile bursts open. He captures her lips in an enthusiastic kiss, making me chuckle and look away.   
“By the way Kie, James is hilarious” John B says, and I turn back to him. “And he really liked you” He adds smirking, my stomach twists tightly.   
“Awhhhh” Georgia coos. He moves to Kiss Dee again before walking down the hall. I quickly get up, the nagging inside of me too loud.   
“Be back” I tell them as I follow John B down the hall.   
“Wait” I call to him, he turns  
“What, you need the bathroom first?” He huffs annoyed   
“No, I had a question,” I say, and he nods. “What am I doing inside drinking margaritas” I blurt, and his face freezes before he lets out a loud laugh. “I’m serious” I add, and he nods still laughing lightly.   
“We wanted to get to know James without you” He explains, the smile still on his face.   
“Georgia just said something.. never mind I just felt like I was just the girlfriend of James” I explain, and he sighs.   
“Kie, you are more manly than all of us,” He says, and I shove him harshly. “I’m kidding, mostly. But seriously it wasn’t like that” He looks at me seriously.   
“Okay” I nod, and he smiles again.   
“Jealous of your own boyfriend, typical” He huffs before opening the bathroom door  
“Shut up” I yell as he shuts the door. I smile to myself, feeling just slightly better now.   
“Kie come on, second round” I hear Georgia yell. Emphasis on the slight!


	13. Stress

She looks scared and apprehensive. It makes me fear for the conversation we’re about to have. Mom sipped her tea, maybe to have something to do with her hands. We’re sitting across from each other. She called me down a couple minutes ago, said she really needed to talk to me. And now we’re just staring at each other awkwardly, waiting. She places her teacup down, her eyes following.   
“WHat’s wrong?” I ask finally unable to contain myself any longer. Her eyes spring back up to mine, and I see there glossy. I feel the familiar tightness in my throat, but I just stare at her.   
“I’m moving,” She says, and the words cause an unexpected pain in my chest. I clutch my hands together and wait for her to continue.   
“This house, it’s too much for me without you dad” She chokes on the word. She takes a deep breath before she continues. “I’m moving to Charleston with your aunt and Uncle,” She says, a tear slipping down her face. She was leaving, and it felt like it was because of me.   
“When?” I ask, hoping I sound normal. She wipes at her face, but another tear falls.   
“In a couple weeks, once I start packing everything up” She nods her lip quivering. A small part of me wanted to cry. I had just lost my dad, and now she was leaving. I couldn't cry, the anger in my throat was blocking it.   
“So what about the house?” I ask  
“It’s paid off, and it’s yours,” she says, and it feels like a knife to the chest.   
“I don’t want the house” I state, my voice hard and angry.   
“Kiara” She starts  
“No, I don’t want your house, I don’t want your pity mom” I spit at her, her face twists like I’ve slapped her.   
“It’s not Pity Kiara” She states, the tears are gone now. “This house was always going to go to you” She adds softer this time.   
“I don’t want it,” I say, and she sighs her eyes sad, too sad for me to look at.   
“So this is it?” She asks, and my heart sputters in my chest. I wanted to yell, I did, but I felt defeated.   
“What do you want me to say, mom?” I ask looking back at her “I’ll be out in a week” I say about to stand, but her hand smacks against the wooden table, and I freeze. “I’m done with this Kiara, I love you and I always have, but I can’t do this anymore.” She yells  
“Do what, be around me?” The words slipping out.   
“How could you think that I’m leaving because I can’t be around all of this” She points around herself. “This was the house I planned to live in with your dad, forever, and now I can’t sleep” She sobs, and I feel the stab to my heart. “I can’t sleep, I can’t live without him here” Tears spring to my eyes, and I bite down on my lip to keep them from falling. She stands and moves towards me slowly. “I don’t want to leave you, but honestly I didn’t think you’d care,” She says quietly her hand moving to grab me, I let her. At that moment I knew I was the problem, I hadn’t forgiven her for anything, and it was making me angry and mean.   
“I’m sorry” the tears falling. “I’m sorry mom, I was so mean, I’m just so sad and angry and you were here to blame” I cry harder, she pulls me to her chest, rubbing soothingly down my back.   
“I know, and I don't blame you, I failed you,” She says, and I suck in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry Kiara, and I love you,” She says  
“I love you” I respond, my words slurring together. We stay like that for a couple of minutes, just holding tightly onto each other.   
“I want you to go to Charleston mom,” I say, she pulls away.   
“You do?” She asks, I nod.   
“I want you to be happy, and I think being there will give you a little bit of happiness” I explain, she smiles widely. “Plus it’ll give me a reason to visit” I shrug, and she laughs loudly.   
“And what about the house?” She asks, I look around the big dining room.   
“I can’t live here by myself,” I say, and she nods.   
“I know, it’s not really your style” She laughs, her eyes widen suddenly. “I’ll sell it, but you have to let me use some of that money to buy you a place,” She says, and I shake my head.   
“No, I cant” I stammer  
“Kiara, I am your mother and I want to help you buy your first home” She places her hands on her hips “And your dad would have wanted that” She adds, and I huff at her   
“You can’t use the dad card,” I say, and she nods smiling.   
“I’ll call our Realtor” She smiles proudly   
…  
“So she’s moving?” John B asks, his eyes wide “Ya” I respond, he nods but he looks shocked.   
“And you guys are good?” JJ asks, sipping his beer.   
“Ya, we talked, and I reluctantly agreed to her helping me find a place,” I say, they chuckle. “She used the dad card” I add, and they laugh harder.   
“Okay, our next-door neighbor is moving” Dee adds in, her tone excited.   
“You want me to move In next door,” I ask, she nods excited.   
“The house isn’t that nice, but we can help” She muses  
“I don’t know If I can handle seeing that much of John B” I joke, and he shoves me with his foot.   
“I actually saw this place closer to the Wreck, it’s small but it’s on the water and has its own dock,” I say, and her eyes widen.   
“It’s not a shack is it?” She asks, making me laugh.   
“Little bit bigger, but it’s not for sure it’s just one of the places I’m looking into” I explain, she nods   
“Fine, but just check out next-door” She insists   
“Fine” I relent, she claps her hands together.   
“When are you going to look?” JJ ask  
“Tomorrow, I’m off, and I have the whole day,” I say, he nods.   
“You want company?” Dee asks excited  
“Do I have an option?” I ask, she shakes her head and smiles widely.   
“Fine, just because my mom’s having some movers come to put things into storage so she won’t be there” I sigh, she smiles happily. “I couldn’t handle both of you” I groan, and John B laughs loudly.   
“Welcome back to the outer banks” JJ clinks his bottle with mine   
“I’ve been here for a couple of months” I exclaim   
“Now you’re back permanently” He smiles brightly, it makes my skin prickle.   
“I’m back” I nod, and Dee cheers loudly, John B following along.   
…  
I’m leaning against my car, waiting for Dee to pull up, but she’s still not here. I dial her number and wait.   
“Sorry, Kie” She picks up, her tone squeaky   
“Where are you?” I ask checking the time again “I told the realtor we’d meet five minutes ago” I tell her   
“I can’t make it, but I called JJ and he’s free so,” She says, her voice cracking.   
“What?” I ask   
“Sorry, bad reception..” The ling crinkles again “I’ll call you after, Sorry” she says before the line clicks off. I spot JJ’s truck, pull into the long driveway, and I sigh. He rolls down his window, a smile on his face.   
“To your rescue,” he says, and I glare but hop into his truck. “I’m guessing we’re late and she didn’t tell you” He laughs, as he pulls out of the driveway.   
“Ya, I called Leslie, she said it’s fine, but why couldn’t Dee make it?” I ask  
“She just asked me to go, said she didn’t have time to explain,” He says, and for some reason, I feel like she did it on purpose. The thought makes my cheeks burn.   
“No one had to go with me,” I say  
“I know, but I don’t mind, I had nothing to do” He shrugs.   
“How do you know where you’re going?” I ask   
“The house by the Wreck first right?” He asks  
“Ya” I nod   
“I remember how much you liked that place when you were in high school, and I’ve lived in this town my whole life” He laughs, and I smile. We drive in silence, until my phone rings out loudly. I see James name flash across the screen.   
“Hey” I answer   
“Hey, just checking in how’s the house hunting?” He asks, he sounds slightly out of breath.   
“Oh we’re still on our way there,” I say  
“Oh” He remarks   
“Why do you sound so breathless?” I ask   
“I went for a run” He laughs   
“You're a runner” I huff, and he laughs again.   
“How did you not know that?” He retorts   
“I don't know, but props to you” I huff   
“haha, anyway have fun with Dee, I’ll see you tonight, right?” He asks   
“Ya, I’ll text you after I’m done” I respond   
“Okay, bye” He hangs up. I shove my phone back into my bag. I notice JJ’s stiff stance, his eyes straight ahead.   
“So things are going good?” He asks “With James” He clarifies. I play with the string on my bag, and nod even though he’s not looking.   
“Ya, I’m following your advice and trying not to overthink” I explain, he nods.   
“That’s good” He muses.   
“Do you like him?” I ask, suddenly curious.   
“He’s fine” He nods   
“Fine?” I huff, he turns to me now, and nods. “What’s wrong with him?” I ask slightly defensive.   
“Nothing, hence he fine,” He says, but his tone sounds stiff.   
“JJ, fine to you means you can’t stand him,” I say, and he shakes his head.   
“Fine is fine” He exclaims, I sigh. I would continue, but we pull into the driveway, and I spot Leslie standing by her white Range Rover.   
“I’m sorry we’re late” I step out of the car, and she pushes off her car, a smile booming onto her face.   
“No problem” She assures, her eyes moving to JJ. I notice her eyes seem to devour him, It makes me cringe.   
“So shall we just dive right in” She laughs, and I nod. JJ and I follow her to the front door, which is a bit chipped.   
“I’m surprised with your budget you chose this place” She laughs “It does need a bit of work” She adds. The place brings a small smile to my face. It’s just like I imagined. The living room and kitchen flow together, in one space. It’s small but cozy. I would probably paint it yellow or orange since the white walls are cracked and in need of a new coat.   
“So as you can see it’s a very open concept, which I know you’re looking for. The kitchen is also fully equipped, so dishwasher stover fridge” She nods pointing in that direction. “It also comes with a washer and dryer room” She opens a sliding door, and a stacked washer and dryer sit cozily. I move further in, my eyes on the back door that leads to the wrap around porch.   
“Should we check out the bedrooms, before we go outside?” She asks. I turn towards her, she’s smiling widely pointing down the hall.   
“Sure” I nod, and she starts down the hallway.   
“So as you know there are two bedrooms, well more like one bedroom and an office space” She laughs, and it sounds like a high pitched whistle.   
“Well it’s just me so it should be fine,” I say as she stops at the first door.   
“This is the office” She opens the door. The room is small, with a window overlooking the backyard. She leads us back out, and down the hall to the other room.   
“So I know your mom said you’d be paying in full, just wanted to make sure that was still true” She turns, her eyes roaming over me. I know she’s surprised, I could tell by the distrustful look on her face.   
“Ya” I nod, she nods and claps her hands.   
“So this is the master” She opens the door. I walk in, and I’m surprised that the room is pretty big. It has two circle windows on the middle wall. The room is empty so there’s not much to look at, but It’s the view outside makes me enthusiastic.   
“You have two bathrooms, one in this room, and another just beside the laundry room” She explains pushing open the sliding door to the bathroom. The bathroom is small, but it has a full-sized bath, along with everything else.   
“So, what are we thinking?” She asks. I turn towards her, a smile on my face.   
“I love it” I nod, she cheers. I turn to JJ who’s staring out at the backyard.   
“What do you think?” I ask JJ, he turns, his hands in his pockets.   
“It suits you” He nods, and the words make me beam happily.  
“We still have to see the backyard” Leslie butts in, and I nod.   
“You really like it, or is it just fine?” I ask JJ as we walk to the backdoor.   
“Yes I really like it, and fine means fine Kie” He grins at me, I shove him.   
“Why can't you admit fine isn’t fine,” I ask, and he huffs.   
“It’s fine” He responds making me glare. Leslie opens the back door, and we follow her out. A big weeping willow sits at the edge of the yard just before the long dock leading to the water. The grass is cut short close to the house, but it leads to the tall grass in the water. It feels right, like this is where I’m suppose to be.   
“I’ll take it” I stammer, my eyes still fixated on the beautiful weeping willow.   
“You don’t want to look at anymore?” She asks, I turn back to her.   
“Not really” I admit, she looks flabbergasted.  
“It seems a bit rash” She states  
“I want it, Leslie, is there a problem?” I ask, my voice hard, she shakes her head.   
“I’ll send the paperwork” She smiles. I turn to JJ, who looks at me with an amused look.   
“What?” I ask   
“Nothing, when you know you know” He nods, and I chuckle.   
“Shut up” I stammer, he chuckles. “I’m being serious,” He says, as I start back inside.   
“Like when you say Fine means fine?” I mock  
“Yes” He says  
“JJ come on” I stammer, he sighs and turns to me.   
“Why does this bother you so much?” He asks  
“Because..” I stammer “It just bothers me you won’t admit it,” I say  
“Fine does mean fine Kie, I don’t have to love the guy” He asserts   
“No, but I’d be nice if you could like him,” I say, and he sighs  
“I like him okay,” he says, his voice stiff.   
“So, I’ll go over the paperwork and talk to the owners, and I’ll give you a call tomorrow” Leslie butts in, her smile wide.   
“Ya, that's perfect” I smile back. She explains all the details as we walk back to the car, but I’m not fully listening. She shakes both of our hands before she hops into her car, and peels off.   
“So this is yours” JJ’s eyes roam over the house.   
“It’s mine” I smile. I slide into the passenger seat, my brain still on the fact that JJ doesn’t like James. I keep quiet, my eyes glued to my refection in the handle.   
“You're still thinking about the fine comment aren’t you?” JJ blurts, I move my gaze to him.   
“Why don’t you like him?” I ask, he huffs and runs his fingers through his hair.   
“Why does it matter so much to you?” He asks, keeping his eyes on the road.   
“Because you’re my best friend and it just matters” I stammer, he sighs   
“John B likes him, and I’m sure Pope will too” He states.   
“But why don’t you?” I ask   
“Kie, come on” He mumbles   
“No, I want to know what about him?” I say. His grip on the steering wheel tightens.   
“I don’t dislike him, we just don’t click” he admits   
“You could try?” I say  
“I’m not mean to him, I’m just not going to be best friends with him” He shrugs. “I don’t have to like him because you’re confused and need me to like him” He states angrily, I stare shocked.   
“Because I care what you think, and if you see something I’d want to know” I blurt, my voice hard and ice-cold. He turns to me with soft eyes, and I look away feeling my cheeks heat with anger. “Why do you have to be so annoying” I mutter,   
“I’m sorry Kie, I’m just annoying,” He says, and I nod keeping my eyes out the window. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean it,” He says, and I nod again. “Kie” He starts again, his voice filled with anguish.   
“It’s fine” I assure him. It goes quiet again, and I move to turn up the volume on the radio. Ophelia by the Lumineers filters into the car. I stare humming along quietly leaning my head back on the headrest.  
“Oh, Ophelia, you've been on my mind girl like a drug, Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love” JJ sings out loudly. I turn to him, as he belts out some more lyrics.   
“You’re ruining the song” I state annoyed, and he tilts his head singing louder.   
“JJ” I whine, even though I was trying not to laugh at his voice cracks.   
“I won’t stop until you forgive me,” He says, and I sigh “Oh, Ophelia, you've been on my mind girl like a drug, Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love” He belts again, and I groan.   
“I forgive you” I mutter, and he turns to me.   
“For real or are you still mad cause I’m a dick and you should be,” He says, and I sigh.   
“I forgive you,” I say again.   
“I’m sorry Kie, I’ve just been stressed, and stupid, I’m really sorry,” He says. I could hear the sincerity in his voice.   
“Why are you stressed?” I ask, he turns to me his eyes wide.   
“I was a dick to you and you’re asking me what’s wrong?” He huffs  
“Ya, what’s stressing you out JJ?” I ask, he looks away looking almost annoyed.   
“You stress me out,” He says, and I shove him   
“Fuck you” I state  
“I’m serious Kie, you stress me out!” He says  
“You’re an asshole” I spit back, and he nods.   
“Why are you so nice?” He asks, and I huff “You should be mad at me,” He says, but he sounds defeated.   
“You're my best friend idiot,” I say, and he sighs pulling into my driveway. I notice the far off look in his eye, and I can’t help but reach out for him.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask, and he turns to me, his eyes glossy.   
“My dad died,” He says, and I freeze. The hospital in Wilmington called me. I guess He had me as his emergency contact” He remarks.   
“JJ, I’m so sorry” I squeeze his hand, he turns away.   
“He overdosed” He comments, and I can hear the pain in his words. “I don’t know why I’m upset at all, I shouldn’t be” He exclaims harshly   
“You’re allowed to be sad,” I say, and he lets out a bitter laugh.   
“It’s not like I lost anything,” He says, and the words slice through me. “It’s not like what happened with your dad” he explains.   
“You can’t compare them JJ, and you are allowed to be upset, you did lose a father,” I tell him  
“No I didn’t, he was never a father, and now I’m stuck with the funeral arrangements” He barks, his voice hoarse. He was angry and upset and he didn’t know what to do. I reach out to take his chin in my hand, so he has to look at me.   
“You are allowed to be angry and upset, you did lose something, you lost something a long time ago” I explain “You can cry for what you lost, not Luke,” I say, and a tear falls from his eye. I notice his eyes move down to my lips, and then suddenly his lips are on mine. I melt into the kiss, my heart beating loudly/ I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. He tastes so good, it makes me pull him closer. I relish in the moan that escapes his lips, once I deepen the kiss. His fingers move to grip the base of my neck, holding me in place. It feels so good I don’t want to pull away, but then James' face pops into my head, and I spring backward. We’re both breathing hard, and it takes all my willpower to keep myself from pulling him back to me once I see the pout on his lips.   
“James” I breathe out, and his face falls.


	14. I'm Over It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning, abuse mentioned.

My phone rings out loudly, causing my head to spring in its direction. I don’t move to pick it up, the ringing echoing off my walls. I feel on edge until it falls silent, my skin prickling. My lips tingle as the memory of earlier falls into my head. Who am I kidding, It’s been on loop since it’s happened. I feel the panic rise in my throat as James face pops into my head. Everything felt so fucked up, my head was spinning. That kiss felt so right, like everything was melting into place. But I’m with James and JJ’s with Georgia. I’m not that person, and I know I have to tell James, but I don’t even know what to say. I’ve chalked it up to JJ being sad, and lonely, and I was saying the right things. The thought sends a sharp pain through me, but I couldn’t imagine him meaning it in any other way. I ran out of the car so fast, he didn’t have a chance to explain what a mistake it was. A soft knock sounds at my door, and I stiffen.  
“Kie” Mom calls, her voice muffled by the door.  
“Come in” I respond, pulling my comforter closer to me. The door creaks as she pushes it open, and steps in. Her hair is up in a tight bun, and she’s wearing her red robe.  
“I heard you found a place” She smiles widely. She sits on the edge of my bed.  
“Ya” I nod, she tilts her head giving me a weird look. I pull my knees to my chest and give her a small smile.  
“What’s wrong?” She asks  
“Nothing” I shrug her off, she gives me that look. I pluck at a loose thread on my blanket, keeping my eyes trained away from her curious gaze.  
“Kiara” She urges. I look back at her, my eyes are glossy. She reaches for my cheek and wipes away the stray tear. “Is it about JJ?” She asks. I look up at her and let out a watery laugh.  
“It’s obvious,” I say, and she lets out a soft sigh.  
“I think you both are oblivious” She responds, I shake my head.  
“It’s not like that with him mom,” I tell her “I know he loves me but I don’t think he loves me like that,” I say, the words causing another wave of emotions to swarm over me.  
“What happened?” She asks, her tone soft, but prodding.  
“He kissed me tonight” I blurt, the words send me spiraling again. “He found out his dad overdosed, and I was comforting him” I explain, she nods.  
“Doesn't that mean the opposite of what you think?” She asks, I push the comforter off me and stand. I start pacing the room to the thump of my loud heart.  
“No, because I’m just a safety blanket for him, something to make him feel good, don’t you see that” I exclaim loudly.  
“So, you think he’s using you?” She asks, and I huff.  
“No” I reply honestly “I just think it’s an automatic thing to seek comfort, and that’s what we’ve always done with each other” I muse as a memory pops in my head.  
~  
I was ready to tell JJ that I had feelings for him, It was time. We just graduated and today was the start of our lives, it was perfect timing. A big part of me knew there was a possibility, a big one, of rejection. I couldn’t let myself focus on that because I’d never do it then. It had held me back long enough, fear has kept me away from him for so long. I could feel my blood pumping through my veins. It’s like when you fly down the waterslide, the sound of the water is so loud, you can’t hear anything else. I couldn’t seem to take a full breath, but I blamed that on the nerves. I spot him by the water, his hair is moving in the wind, making me smile. He has a smile on his face, like he’s mid-laugh. I freeze, the situation settling on me suddenly. I was so confident a minute ago, but now all I can hear is the word rejection. Could I deal with it, could I live with it? I thought of the conversation with my parents earlier, the pure disappointment in their eyes. They wanted nothing to do with me now. I was reeling from that, maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I already lost my parents, what if I lost him too?! I’m about to turn back, when his gaze lands on me, making me freeze in the sand. He tilts his head to the side, giving me a soft amused smile. I feel my heart sputter in my chest, as a smile pops onto my face. When he looks at me, I always feel so uncomfortably seen. He’s the only person in my life that I feel like that with. That has to mean something. He can’t look at me like that and not feel anything…right?! I take a steadying breath, and surge forward. His eyes stay on me the whole time, and it makes me shiver.  
“Hey,” he says once I’m in earshot. I feel the thrum of my heart against my ribs.  
“Hey” I breath out “Could we talk” I blurt, feeling the heat travel to my cheeks. His smile drops suddenly, and he nods. I take his wrist and move further down the beach.  
“Are you okay?” He asks once we stop walking. I push my hair behind my ears and lick my lips.  
“I… I need you to listen” I sputter clearly nervous.  
“Okay” He nods, his eyes filled with concern. I grab my thumb and squeeze it lightly, a weird habit of mine.  
“We’re friends, I know that okay and I know we’re family alright” I start, he looks confused but he nods. I stumble, how was I suppose to word this.  
“Kie, what’s wrong?” He asks, that look back on his face.  
“You look at me like that and it’s hard to focus JJ” I yell, and he looks taken back.  
“Kie” He mumbles in response.  
“I have feelings for you” I blurt, and his face freezes.  
“You have feelings for me?” He asks.  
“Yes,” I nod “I know it’s weird and confusing but I needed to tell you,” I say, my heart pounding.  
“You have feelings for me?” He asks again, and I nod.  
“You don’t, you can’t,” he says, his eyes on the sand now. My heart burns, and I swallow the thump in my throat.  
“I do” I mumble, and his eyes spring back to me.  
“You can’t, Kie you can’t. I’m not good or healthy and I do not deserve you” he rambles, and I step forward about to reach for him but he pulls back like he’s been burned.  
“You are good” I insist but my voice is wobbly and I don’t sound sure.  
“You’re too good for me Kiara, and I can’t, we can’t it wouldn’t work.” He shakes his head venomously. He was scared, but I could fix it, couldn’t I.  
“I’m not too good for you JJ, stop saying that” I yell back, the wind whipping my hair in my face.  
“Kie, you have a life, you’re going to help the world I’m stuck here” he exclaims  
“You could come with me, you could help too, you have so much potential you just doubt yourself. You’re more than just this” I yell back, my heart beating wildly in my chest.  
“I’m not!” He insists, I sigh  
“You are,” I say, and he shakes his head.  
“Kiara, I’m not half the man you deserve, this is just because you’re stuck here in this shitty town and I’m... but you’ll go out there and find someone who is perfect for you and who improves your life. Someone who is way better than me, and you’ll realize you never really... had any feelings for me” He says, his eyes intense.  
“You can’t convince me that I’m too good for you JJ because it’s not true!” I state moving closer to him, his eyes travel over my face. “I want to be with you and I..” I couldn’t say the words love but he knew. His eyes became dark suddenly and I couldn’t breathe.  
“I don’t” he spits and I felt like my heart was being crushed. He didn’t, that was the real reason we couldn’t work.  
“You don’t” I repeat and he nods.  
“I don’t, and we can’t,” he says, and I nod feeing the white-hot iron of embarrassment cut through me. He must think I’m so pathetic, fighting for him when he doesn’t even like me. I turn away, the tears falling down.  
“Okay” I nod and I force myself to walk away, to let go. It was all just my imagination. The secret looks, and smiles. I made them all up to fuel my obsession with him. I couldn’t stand, I could feel my heart thumping so loud, it made me shut my eyes and freeze. He didn’t want to be with me, no one did. My family was gone, and now I lost him too. I couldn’t be here anymore. I was definitely leaving, I had lost too much.  
~  
“How do you know Kiara” Mom’s voice pulls me from the painful memory. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest, making it hard to breathe.  
“He’s already rejected me mom” I state, my tone hard, her eyes widen.  
“What, When?” She asks  
“Before I left,” I say, moving to sit down beside her. “I told him I wanted to be with him, and he said he didn’t” I summarize, my heart aching.  
“Honey that was a long time ago,” She says  
“Ya but he rejected me again, recently,” I say, and her eyes widen.  
“When?” She asks  
“It was after dad,” I say  
“What happened?” She asks  
“We had sex,” I tell her  
“How is that a rejection” She huffs  
“He made sure I knew it was just for the night, and I’m so stupid when it comes to him I accepted it because I needed him” I feel the sting in the back of my throat.  
“Maybe that was because you just lost your dad, and he knew you were hurting” She explains, and I shake my head.  
“Mom, I can’t, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep giving myself hope only to be let down again” I admit.  
“Do you love him?” She asks, and I look away. I couldn’t answer her without feeling completely pathetic.  
“Kiara if you love him, you should tell him,” She says, and I shake my head.  
“I’ve already tried too many times, and now I have James” I exclaim, she nods  
“Keeping James in your life even with your feelings for JJ is selfish, and you’re not selfish Kiara” She reaches out to caress my cheek.  
“I want to move on” I whisper, my heart physically aching. She wipes under my eyes, her eyes soft.  
“You need to do whatever is going to make you happy” She explains, pushing some hair from my face. “I just don’t want you to regret anything” She clarifies. I lean my head on her shoulder, and she caresses my hair softly.  
“I need to talk to James” I whisper  
“You will, but first you need to decide what you want” She responded. My phone rings out loudly, and I feel my heart start pounding again.  
“If you need me I'll be in my room” She kisses my cheek before she walks out. I see that it’s James who’s calling me, and I feel the deep pit of guilt in my stomach.  
“Hey” I answer  
“Hey, sorry it took so long for me to call, I had to help my mom out in the garden. How was House hunting?” He asks, and I have to take a steadying breath.  
“Could we meet up, and talk” I ask, my voice sounding squeaky.  
“Sure, is everything okay?” He asks, and I feel like crying.  
“I just need to talk to you” I stammer  
“Okay, I’ll come over now?” He asks.  
“Ya that would be great” I nod even though he can’t see. I rush to the bathroom after he hangs up the phone. I quickly wash my face, so that my eyes aren’t so swollen and red. I grab a sweater, and head downstairs. I decide to wait for him outside, thinking it’ll give him the easiest option to leave. I felt so disgusted with myself, It was hard to take a full breath. I never wanted to hurt him, and now I have. I see his car pull in, and my nerves spike making my heart rate spike. He hops out of the car, as I make my way towards him.  
“Hey” He reaches for me but I step back, I don’t deserve his comfort right now. “What happened?” He asks, his voice somber, but filled with worry.  
“JJ and I kissed” I spill, just needing him to know. His expression doesn’t change, he just simply stares at me. “I didn’t mean for it to happen and there is no excuse, so I’m just going to say sorry and you can say whatever you want” I ramble, clasping my hands together. He squints at me, his mouth turning down into a deep-set frown.  
“You kissed?” He asks, his voice is stiff, and I just nod in response, scared I’d cry if I talked.  
“Why, and when?” He asks shaking his head lightly. I take a breath, and try to push down the swell of tears that are threatening to let loose.  
“It was earlier today, and I was comforting him about something, and he kissed me, but I let him” I admit. His hand moves over the stubble on his face, as he looks away from me.  
“Comforting him about what?” He asks. I didn’t feel comfortable telling him that JJ’s dad overdosed it wasn’t my story to tell.  
“Something happened in his family” Is all I say, and he lets out a hard laugh, that chills me.  
“That's all I get?” He asks  
“I can’t say, it’s not my place” I try to explain, but his face morphs into disgust.  
“But it’s your place to cheat on me?” He spits, and I look down at the ground, my skin prickling.  
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him, and he laughs again. It’s quiet, and both of us just stand there. He looks at me now, his eyes confused, and it makes my stomach coil tightly with disgust for myself. “I’m so sorry” I repeat, and he nods.  
“Did it mean something or was It just a kiss, because if it was just a comfort kiss..” He breaks away and I know he means he will forgive me.  
“It would be so easy to love you, you’re amazing, and funny, and incredibly loyal” I express, the words flowing out of me.  
“But” He says  
“It wouldn’t be fair, I wish I could, god do I wish I could love you and be with you and get to be loved by you, but I won’t let myself do that to you, not when..” I can’t say those words, but by the way he looks at me, he knows.  
“You love him,” He says, and the words make me cringe with embarrassment. “I should have known” He adds, and I don’t know how to respond.  
“I wish things were different,” I say, and he nods. “And I’m so sorry I hurt you” I add, he nods.  
“I know” he nods, he steps forward and pulls me into a tight hug, I let myself cry into him, and he hugs me tighter.  
“Can I be honest” He whispers into my hair, I nod, keeping my head firmly on his chest. “I think my heads still in Amsterdam” I know he means with her, but I just nod. We break apart, and he kisses my cheek gently.  
“Don’t let fear hold you back Kie you’ll regret it, trust me I would know” he says.  
“Thank you for being you” I respond, and he chuckles lightly. I watch as he gets in his car, and drives off. I feel weirdly relieved, like somethings finally been sorted out in my head.  
…  
I lock myself in my office, using paperwork to distract me from my from the loud annoying voice in my head. JJ’s been calling and texting, but I can’t seem to look at them or pick up his calls. I’m confused and angry. I want to be there for him, after his dad, but I need time. Not like I could think straight with the kiss on loop in my head. My lips tingle, and I shut my eyes tightly pushing the memory away. The moan he let out, rings out in my ears, making me groan loudly. I hear a soft knock on the door, breaking me from my JJ induced trance.  
“Come in” I call, Dee pops her head in. She doesn’t have her usual bubbly smile, so I sit up straighter.  
“Can we talk?” She asks, I nod, my heart starting to race. She shuts the door behind her, and sits down on the seat across from me. She looks freaked out, and her eyes are slightly red.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask  
“It’s JJ,” She says. Did he tell them what happened? I shift in my seat and nod for her to continue. “His dad overdosed” She explains, and I let out a small breathe.  
“I know,” I say, and her eyes widen.  
“How?” She asks  
“He told me yesterday” I explain, and she looks even more confused.  
“Okay, well he’s freaking out Kie” She exclaims, her tone sounding more frantic.  
“I know he’s upset” I nod, but she shakes her head.  
“He’s not doing okay, he’s drunk and angry. John B tried to talk him down, but he won’t listen” She explains, and now I look at her confused.  
“He was upset but he didn’t seem that bad yesterday,” I say, although I did run away before he had time to react to our kiss.  
“He needs you Kie, he won’t listen to anyone else,” She says, and I look down at the chip in my desk.  
“I can’t, he wouldn’t want me there now” I whisper, my eyes glued to the desk.  
“What do you mean?” She asks  
“He just wouldn’t want me there, call Georgia” I say  
“She’s there, but he asked for you” She explains, and I move my gaze back to her. She looks upset, her eyes glossy. “He needs you” She expresses, the panic in her voice. I grab my keys and push away from my desk.  
“Where is he?” I ask  
“Home” She stands too, and we rush out. I explain to Damian that I have to leave so he’s the manager in charge for now. I’m scared of what I’m walking into, my heart is hammering against my ribcage. I spot John B’s van when I pull in. I head in through the back, knowing they’ll probably be there. I can hear John B’s voice.  
“Why don’t you tell her” he’s saying “She’ll understand” He adds. Both of their heads turn in my direction when I open the gate. JJ looks like shit. His hair is mused, and his eyes are bloodshot. He’s wearing what he had on yesterday, but now his clothes are covered in dirt, and other stains.  
“You came,” He says, his eyes are glossy, and I can see the pain on his face.  
“Of course I did” I respond, he moves his gaze away from me and down to his shoes. I look at John B who gives me wide concerned eyes.  
“I’m sorry about Luke,” I say, my throat tightening. He looks back at me, his eyes hard.  
“I don’t care about Luke” He states, and I notice the laziness in his words. He’s drunk I can see the empty bottles on the porch, and across the lawn.  
“I already told you it’s okay if you do” I explain stepping closer, he shakes his head.  
“My uncles coming, to deal with all his shit, so I’m fine” He shrugs, and I nod.  
“Is this what fine looks like?” I point around to the destroyed backyard.  
“Kie” John B warns, I turn to him kind of outraged.  
“No, he’s not okay, and we can’t pretend everything is fine anymore John B” I state my voice angry, he sighs. “You’re upset, your father just died, and you never got closure. You’re allowed to be upset. But doing this is not okay” I exclaim loudly, my voice echoing.  
“Really Kie, I didn’t get closure” He stands now, his movements sloppy “I think him abusing me and leaving is enough closure. I don’t want to say goodbye to the man, he doesn’t deserve it” He yells back, and my heart breaks for him in that moment. He’s matured so much, but underneath he’s still so hurt and small.  
“JJ,” I say, but he lets out a hard bitter laugh  
“No you know what I should be celebrating, so that’s what I’m doing, I’m celebrating,” He says lifting up his beer, I shake my head.  
“Come on, you know this isn’t right,” I say, and he shrugs, his eyes glazing over.  
“What do you want Kie, for me to cry and say how much I missed out on because of him. How even though he took everything from me I miss him? How after he left, he had fucked me up so much I actually blamed myself” He yells, and I can feel the tears in my eyes. “You know when I was six, it was just after my mom left, which was my fault, by the way, he broke my arm, told them I fell off my bike” He laughs, and I feel sick. “Or when I was ten, he was so drunk, and I was so annoying he hit me, and I made the mistake of crying, so he threw me out. I guess my existence just threw him off. or when I was fifteen and he broke my nose. No, no” He laughs loudly “the best one was when he was so high, he took out a knife and sliced down my side” tears fall down his face.  
“JJ” I whisper, my heart clenching, he shakes his head.  
“It was all on me, I was alone. I never knew why, or what I did so wrong” His voice cracks “Even when I tried, it didn’t matter,” He says “So no I’m not sad that he’s dead” He yells “I’m a man now, and I’m over it Kie, I’m over it okay. I’m over it” He cries, and I nod, tears streaming down my face. I move quickly and pull him into my arms. His head falls into my neck as his body shakes with soft sobs.  
“I’m sorry” I whisper into his hair. I let my hand soothingly rub up and down his neck. “I’m so sorry” I repeat.


	15. Relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."-Desmond Tutu   
> I just wanted to use this moment to connect with you all. It is time for a change and hopefully, that change will happen soon. I just want you all to use your voice and help spread awareness, and justice to all those lives lost. Black lives matter, and it's as simple as that. We need to ban together to create a different world, a better world. A world that doesn't criminalize due to the pigment of your skin, and that listens when it's people demand change. All of us matter in this fight, and I want to encourage everyone to do their research and check their privilege. I am a white Canadian woman and I know I will never understand the terror of police brutality the way People of color do, or have to. I won't ever understand the feeling of being victimized and criminalized for the color of my skin. So I want to use this platform to encourage change and growth in any way possible. I am sorry for my privilege, but I intend to use it to spread awareness and growth. I will not sit back and quietly be against racism I want to be loud, and outwardly anti-racist. Black Lives Matter!! ❤️❤️✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻

JJ’s uncle decided he wanted to get Luke cremated. JJ didn’t seem to have a problem with it, I think he was glad there wouldn’t be a funeral. After everything he said that day John B and I haven’t pushed him much. We’ve tried to keep him occupied with other things, just to help distract him. Georgia also has been trying to comfort him, but she doesn’t know what to do, none of us do. He seems pretty bad right now, and none of us know what to say to make him feel better. I don’t think anything we say right now matters. He needs to go through it, hurt for a bit, but he’s strong. I know he’ll make it through, he’s already been through so much. It’s weird between us also, and all I want is to comfort him, but I can’t. Not to mention when I catch him looking at me with broken sad eyes, it only makes my heartache. We haven’ talked about the kiss, or anything that has to do with it. Now doesn’t feel like the time, he’s too preoccupied and honestly, I wouldn’t know what to say. Although every time I look at him all I want is to kiss the pain away from him. I want to hug him and tell him that no matter what he has me and I’ll always love him. But I can’t do that, not now. I can’t be his comfort blanket anymore for my own good. I want more, and if he can’t give me that, then I need to move on, for good. Maybe the fact that Georgia is still in the picture is the answer I’m looking for, and it’s too painful to admit. I feel a pain in my chest at the thought. I try to push away the debilitating thoughts because I’m too busy to feel the sadness. I’m moving into my place now, and mom’s having people come and view the house pretty much everyday all day. But thankfully I don’t have many things to pack up besides my bed. I have to buy everything else. Thankfully things at The Wreck have been stable and easy. Tourists season is definitely doing us good right now. I shove my papers into my filing cabinet before grabbing my bag and keys from my chair. JJ and John B said they’d met me with the truck to help me move my bed to the new place. Dee’s working right now, but she said she’d try to come later tonight. She catches my eyes and waves as I walk out. I notice JJ’s truck in the driveway when I pull in, so I quickly hop out.   
“Sorry, how long have you guys been waiting?” I ask them when I spot them leaning against the truck.   
“not long”, JJ says, his eyes on the ground.   
“Come on in boys, we have an hour to be in and out” I instruct opening the front door for them. Mom wanted me to keep the bedside tables too so we start with those, well JJ does. I hold back John B, as JJ makes his way down the steps.   
“How’s he doing?” I ask, he sighs   
“Same, he seems fine, but he won’t say more than three words” He explains, I sigh.   
“When do we start worrying?” I ask, feeling my heart clench in my chest.   
“We have to give him time Kie,” He says, I nod. We pack up the room way quicker than I expected. Probably because of JJ’s determination not to have a single conversation. Soon we’re on our way to my new place, JJ, and John B following behind me. I feel a tiny burst of happiness when I unlock my door, and walk inside my own house. JJ and John B don’t really need my help with the big stuff so I stick with the small boxes. I place everything in my spare room.   
“Done” John B huffs, pushing his hair from his face.   
“Thank you guys” I smile hugging John B’s side.   
“Look who’s all grown now,” He remarks making me laugh. JJ’s sitting on one of the boxes his face stiff.   
“I’m a grownup, shit” I comment back, he laughs. John B’s phone rings and he quickly answers it.   
“Hey Dee,” He says, and I move away towards the kitchen. His face scrunches up, and he tuns away from me.   
“Now?” He asks “Let me see” He adds, he looks over towards JJ, who looks up at him. “Could I borrow your car man, Dee has an appointment across town, and her batteries dead?” He asks, JJ nods pulling out his keys from his pocket.   
“Thank you,” he says before he turns to me.   
“I’ll give him a ride” I nod, he nods and rushes out. I tap lightly against the counter and move my gaze to JJ who’s looking back at me. I’m about to ask if he wants the ride now when he stands and moves to the sliding back door. I watch him as he freezes in front of the door, his eyes moving across the lawn.   
“I could help build you a cabana” he blurts, and I think that’s the most words he’s used since that night. I walk over to him and stare out at the empty lawn.   
“I wasn’t planning on having one, but” I smile, and I can hear him let out a small chuckle. “Now I can see it” I add.   
“Sorry,” he says  
“Oh it didn’t offend me” I exclaim  
“I’m sorry about everything Kie,” he says, and I move my gaze to him. He’s still staring outside, but his smile is gone, and he looks upset.   
“I know” I nod, and he finally looks at me. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “Come on, I’ll take you home,” I say, and he nods. The car ride is quiet, and JJ stares out the window his face stiff.   
“It wasn’t only you that night” I blurt, and his gaze bounces to me, his face softening. “I wanted you to kiss me,” I say, and the words are completely true. I clutch onto the steering wheel keeping my eyes straight ahead.   
“You wanted me to kiss you?” He asks, his tone in disbelief, I turn to him, my eyes hard.   
“You seriously don’t know?” I ask, letting out a small angry laugh.   
“Know what?” He asks, and I bite down on my lip. I could feel it bubbling inside of me.   
“Nothing” I stammer as we pull into his driveway.   
“Know what Kie,” He says again, and I turn to face him. His eyes are wide, but intense.   
“Does it matter” I say, and he huffs out angrily.   
“Does it?” He asks, and I give him a hopeless look. “What do you want Kie cause I can’t keep doing this,” He says, and now I’m angry   
“You can’t keep doing this?” I ask, and he nods. He opens the car door and hops out.   
“I’m done trying” He yells and, I feel the anger bubbling of me. I hop out and slam my door shut.   
“You’re done trying? Are you kidding me” I yell, and he turns to face me. “I’ve tried, and I’m the one who should be done,” I say, and he just looks at me, his eyes wide.   
“I’m sorry, You should be done with me” He yells back and I can’t help the hopeless laugh that escapes my lips. He turns away from me now, and I can see how rapidly he’s breathing.   
“Why did you turn me down after graduation?” The words escape my lips before I have time to think about it. I can see his posture turn stiff, but I need to know. I can feel the sting in the back of my throat and the burn in my nose. “You broke my heart that day so don’t tell me you’re done” my words are wobbly but hard. He turns and I can see the tears in his eyes.   
“I’m sorry,” He says, and I shut my eyes and take a steadying breath.   
“Stop telling me you’re sorry” I yell, and he nods.   
“If you didn’t want me then I appreciated you’re honesty, but now, now I need you to be honest with me because I can’t keep loving you from afar it’s not fair” I explain calmly.   
“I love you Kie,” He says, and I sigh   
“Not sibling love JJ” I stammer, and he takes a deep breath.   
“I’m not good enough for you,” He says, and I roll my eyes.   
“Cut the bullshit,” I say, and he shakes his head.   
“It’s not bullshit Kie,” He says and I rush forward, pushing on his chest.   
“It is bullshit, just tell me how you feel,” I say, and he shakes his head.   
“It’s not that simple” He explains, and I shove him again, and again. “I love you Kie” He yells and I freeze “honestly I don’t know how you dint know that” He yells. “I’ve loved you forever basically” He adds quieter. I could feel happiness floating inside of me, but I can see the hesitation on his face.   
“How the fuck was I suppose to know,” I ask, and he sighs pushing past me.   
“I don’t know, how come everyone else knows Kie,” He asks, and I shake my head.   
“You needed to tell me, I needed you to tell me,” I say, and he nods. I walk towards him, and he looks scared, like he might run the opposite way. I reach out for him, and he shakes his head, his eyes glossy.   
“This won’t work,” He says, and I shake my head.   
“Why?” I ask   
“Because look at me, I’m a mess, I’m fucked up and you don’t deserve that. You have enough going on and you don’t need me to worry about” He yells, stepping away from me again.  
“You're not as fucked up as you think,” I say, and he laughs bitterly.   
“The fact that I can’t let you love me proves otherwise,” He remarks  
“But you can, you’re choosing not to,” I say, and he sighs.  
“I can’t kie,” He says, and I nod.   
“You don’t want to that’s the difference, but at least you finally made a decision” I relent, and his face drops. I turn away and rush towards my car.   
“Kie” he calls, I freeze. “I’m sorry,” he says. I turn back to him, and I see the sincerity on his face, but right now I felt like collapsing.   
“Me too” I nod at him. I peel out of the driveway, my heart beating loudly against my ribs.   
…  
I slide down my wall, staring at the empty living room. The sun is setting so the walls are basked in an orange glow. I tuck my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. It felt weird knowing JJ loved me, like all those stupid moments weren’t just in my head. But it was stained dark with the fact that he didn’t love me enough to try. That was the plain truth, he didn’t want to try. I could feel my stomach coil tightly, and I shut my eyes as a pang hits my chest. This felt like the end, and that made a sob erupt through me. I guess I never asked because not knowing somehow made it hurt less, but now I know. There is no hiding behind maybe, now I know and I don’t know what to do. It hurts, my heart hurts and I clutch my legs tighter. Tears burn in my eyes, making everything blurry. I bite down on my lips as the tears start rolling down my face. I hear a knock at the door, and I freeze, wiping quickly at my face. No one knows I’m here, I stand and head to the door. I use my shirt to wipe over my face before opening the front door. John B stands there, his face hard.   
“Hey,” I say, my voice unsteady. He gives me a sympathetic look, and it breaks something inside of me. A sob racks through me, and John B steps forward wrapping me in his arms.   
“I don’t know what to do” I cry gripping tightly onto him, he rubs soothing circles on my back.   
“I know” He whispers, I grip him tighter. After a couple minutes of me sobbing into his chest, I invite him in. We head to the empty living room, no one says anything. I slide back down in the spot I was before John B came. He slides down next to me, huffing slightly. I stare at the chipped paint on the wall, while tears continue to drop down my face.   
“He does love you Kie” John B blurts suddenly, I shut my eyes tightly.   
“Not enough, apparently” I retort angrily  
“Maybe too much for his own sake” He responded, and I turn to him giving him a desperate look. “He’s loved you since we were kids, you have to know that” He exclaims, his eyes serious.   
“That’s why he rejected me after graduation?” I ask, my voice nasally from the crying. He didn’t seem surprised, so I assume JJ told him about my pathetic attempt. “You knew” I laugh, he nods.   
“He told me after you left” He admits, and I look back at the wall.   
“Pathetic right” I whisper  
“No, and he didn’t think of you that way either,” He says, and I glare at him. “He wanted to tell you he loved you that night Kie” He whispers, and I can feel the heat creep up my neck.   
“Convenient” I bark   
“He did, but he, he knew he wasn’t going anywhere, that he would be stuck in this town for his life, and he didn’t want that for you” He explains, and I turn back to him, my heart racing. “He knew you’d stay if he told you that he loved you, he knew you’d want to help him through all the shit with his dad cause that’s who you are. And he didn’t want that for you, so he told you he didn’t” he finishes. A pang hits my chest, making me slightly dizzy.   
“He told you all of this?” I ask, tears in my eyes.   
“After a lot of prodding on my part, yes” He nods, and I look away from him.   
“I wanted a reason to stay John B” I admit, remembering how lonely I felt that first year.   
“You’d have gone eventually Kie, and he didn’t want to hold you back,” he says, and a sob breaks out of me, making me place my hand over my mouth and shut my eyes. I shake my head profusely, feeling the weight of the words.   
“And now?” I ask, he sighs running a hand through his hair.   
“You have James,” He says, and I groan   
“I broke up with James after he kissed me,” I say   
“Well he doesn’t know that, and even now he wants to protect you from himself.” John B explains, I sigh and take a calming breath.  
“We’re adults now John B, he has to stop thinking like his teenaged self. Love is hard work, but he doesn’t even want to try” I express  
“Kie, you know how much his dad fucked him up. Contently telling him he’s the reason his mom left and that he’s worthless and no one could love him, that’s a hard spell to break” He explains, and I nod.   
“I’ve fought for him John B, everyone knows that,” I say, and he nods “I can’t keep… doing this, i it’s painful for me” I express, my heart aching.   
“So what do you want?” He asks me.   
“i want him, but I want him to want it enough” I reply, he nods again. “I can’t fight anymore” I add lamely, my words even sounding weak. John B shifts and pulls me in so I’m leaning my head on his shoulder. “You’re both suck idiots” He mumbles making me shoulder lightly.   
“What happens now?” I ask  
“You have to decide if you want to let him go” He responds.   
…  
The house sold, to a young couple wanting to start their family. That's what mom told me anyway. We’re basically all packed up, most of her things are going into storage until she gets a place of her own. She’s leaving tomorrow morning for Charleston, and I’m helping put the last couple boxes into the moving truck. I stand in my parent's empty room, and a strange sense of nostalgia crashes over me. I remember all the movie night, tucked into both of their sides while it thundered outside. Or the forts we’d make using their ginormous headboard. My dad would complain about the headboard saying “It was too gaudy for them, and it took up too much room.” On those nights mom would look so triumphant, and when she wanted to switch it, he wouldn’t let her. I feel tears spring to my eyes, but I’m happy, not sad. The memories of all of us tucked together make me happy, happier than I’ve been in a while. I grab the last box, sucking in a steadying breath before I walk downstairs. Mom’s instructing the movers about travel time, when I pass them and head to the truck. I hand the box to the guy organizing the truck, and he smiles politely back at me. My gaze moves to the Sold sigh in the yard, and back at the big empty house. I notice the mover that was talking to mom is walking towards the front of the truck, his hands moving wildly as he instructs the other workers. I walk back inside to find mom, she’s staring down at her phone.   
“All good?” I ask, her gaze moves up to me and she nods.   
“Just getting their root down to make sure there are no hiccups,” She says, and I chuckle.   
“No room for error” I nod, and she laughs. Her eyes travel around the empty room, and It's like I can see the memories playing in her head.   
“It’s weird right,” I say, and she nods, her eyes glued to the far window.   
“A lot of memories” She whispers, a smile on her face.   
“Thinking about how me and the boys broke through that window playing spy?” I ask, and she starts laughing loudly.   
“Yes,” She nods “JJ was padded, and bubble wrapped” She laughs, her eyes bright.   
“He was the bad guy, and he had to break through the window” I shrug, and she laughs.   
“Honestly I don’t remember how he talked me into it” I sigh, leaning my head on her shoulder. She kisses the top of my head and hums gently.   
“You always had a soft spot for him” She comments, and I nod.   
“Too soft” I murmur.   
“Helping him through things isn’t too soft, especially since you loved him through it. That makes you strong” She says, and I swallow back the lump in my throat.   
“I don’t know what to do mom,” I tell her, as she pushes some curls from my face.   
“You’re smart Kiara” She comments “You’ll figure it out, just be gentle with yourself, give yourself time” She explains, and I nod. I do a quick spin in the empty room, and she chuckles.   
“What now?” I ask “Movie?” I add, she shakes her head.   
“I’m headed over to Stacy’s to say goodbye and have dinner, you’re going to Diana’s party” She instructs, I shake my head.   
“No,” I say, and she nods.   
“You have to, she got that big city mural and you’re her friend” She points out, I sigh.   
“I already congratulated her,” I say, and she gives me that mom look.   
“You have to go and be with your friends” She kisses my cheek.   
“And I have to be with mine” She adds making me laugh.   
“What time are you leaving in the morning?” I ask for the fifth time   
“My plane leaves at three, so we’ll be fine, go” She points to the door, and I huff “Go before I kick you out” She adds, and I nod.   
…  
The place is surprisingly full when I drive-in. The driveway is filled with cars, and I can hear music pouring in from the back. I wasn’t expecting a full party. I stare down at my stained white tank top, and faded black shorts. I sigh pulling out my hair and walking towards the back.   
“Kie” Someone calls, I spot Damian, one of the store managers. “You're here” He cheers, and I nod. “What are you wearing?” He asks, his eyes wide.   
“Shut up Damian” I groan, and he laughs.   
“You still pull it off though” He calls after me, I turn back and whip my hair around dramatically making him laugh. The backyard is filled with people, dancing, laughing, drinking. I freeze, letting my eyes drift over the groups, to see if I can find anyone. My eyes land JJ, and I feel my stomach drop out. Georgia is hanging off him, as she laughs loudly with a group of people. He’s nodding as someone tells him something. He’s fine, he’s still with her, and I’m standing here staring like a fucking idiot. I turn away feeling my cheeks burn.   
“Kie” I hear Dee’s voice, so I turn towards it and away from JJ, and Georgia. Dee is waving frantically next to John B, her eyes bright. I move towards them and she pulls me into a tight hug.   
“So glad you’re here” She slurs and I smile.   
“Me too” I nod even though my heart feels like it’s going to explode and I really want to leave.   
“Drink” She extends her beer to me, her smile lopsided. I turn to John B who chuckles lightly.   
“I’ll grab her another Dee,” He says and she nods before pecking his lips. She stares after him with literal heart eyes.   
“Love him” she sighs, and I nod. Her gaze moves back to me, and she looks sad.   
“I’m sorry,” She says and I feel heat in my cheek.   
“It’s fine” I assure her, she shakes her head.   
“He’s an idiot” She explains, and I nod.   
“I’m fine,” I tell her, and she nods.   
“You will be once I introduce you to Derek” She laughs and I try to shake her off but she’s strong and pulls me forward.   
“Derek” She calls. I notice a tall lanky brunette turn towards us.   
“Derek, this is Kiara” She introduced her smile wicked. He moves his gaze to me, and a small smile pops onto his face. Objectively he’s cute, he has soft brown eyes, and small speckles of moles across his face. Not the type of moles that stick out and a hair grows out of the kind that looks like tiny paint splatters.   
“Nice to meet you” He extends his hand, I shake his hand and smile lightly.   
“You two can both surf” She slurs and I sigh. “Talk” She instructs and I’m about to say sorry to poor Derek when John B comes up.   
“Dee, come on let’s get some water” He hands me a beer just as Dee falls into his arms.   
“I’ll be inside if you need me,” He tells me, I nod. I watch them wobble away before turning to Derek, who looks amused.   
“Sorry,” I say, he shrugs.   
“Dee can be very persuasive” He laughs, and I nod. My gaze moves behind Derek and falls on JJ who’s helping Georgia stand, her head whips towards him and she smiles eagerly, while he’s whispering something to her. She laughs and then she pulls him into a deep kiss, I quickly look away.   
“You okay?” He asks, and my eyes bounce to his. He looks sincere and that only makes me take a big swig of my beer.   
“No” I answer honestly, he moves closer, his tall frame towering over me.   
“Want something stronger than beer?” He asks, and I nod eagerly. Now we have a bottle of vodka and shot glasses by the hammock. The only place that people aren’t hoarding over. I sit down on the edge, just before the dock and he follows. I fill the shot glasses and hand him one, he shoots it back and I follow. The burning liquid warms me from the inside out. I stare off at the water, as a breeze passes over us. I shiver, as I go to pour us another round. Derek places his jacket over me, it’s big and warm so I don’t refuse it.   
“Thanks” I hand him another shot smiling, he nods. I take mine, but he holds his in his hands.   
“You want to talk about it?” He asks just as I take my third shot. I let out a small laugh and turn to him. His eyes are warm and welcoming.   
“I wouldn’t usually but you look so nice” I admit, and he laughs. He finally takes his shot. He grabs the bottle from my hands and pours another one for both of us.   
“Nice” He sighs, and I nod. “Why do I look so nice?” He asks  
“its the moles and you have kind eyes” I instruct. “Oh, and you have brown eyes, which is like a signal for nice and kind,” I say before downing another shot.   
“Fuck being nice,” He says and I nod.   
“Nice doesn’t make you any less hot, you’re very attractive,” I tell him, and he laughs.   
“Thank you, you’re very attractive too,” He says, and I smile. “Okay for the risk of sounding nice, what’s wrong?” He asks me, and I smile again.   
“The guy I love doesn’t love me back,” I say, and he nods “That sounds so cliché, he does love me but he doesn’t want to love me” I explain, and he nods but I can tell he’s confused.   
“He loves me he just has issues and won’t let himself love me, you know,” I say, and he laughs   
“Sounds like a cop-out to me” He responds  
“That’s what I said” I exclaim, forgoing another shot, and just taking a swig from the bottle. “And he’s my best friend” I add, before laughing loudly at how fucking cliché it all sounded.   
“Now that’s cliché” he nods and I laugh again. “How long have you guys been friends?” He asks   
“Since we were kids” I huff, and his eyes widen.   
“That sucks” he agrees and I nod.   
“Plus he’s here with his girlfriend” I sigh, feeling the ache in my chest. I take another swig and the ache is replaced with warmth.   
“Shit,” he remarks, and I nod.  
“You want to hear my Cliche sob story?” He asks. I turn to him, and he’s facing the water a somber look on his face.   
“Sure” I nod, he twists the small shot glass in his hand.   
“I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t know I exist” He starts, and I sigh  
“I need details” I exclaim, and he laughs.   
“I work with her, and were friends. Anyway, she’s into this other guy we work with, Cliché part is that he’s a douche bag, and I’m the nice guy” He explains, and I nod.   
“Too cliché’s” I lift the bottle of vodka before taking a sip.   
“To being in love with dumb-ass’s” He holds out his glass and I fill it.   
“You really love her, or is it just a passing thing?” I ask him, he squeezes his eyes as the vodka goes down.   
“I love her,” He says, and I nod.   
“You should tell her,” I say, and he huffs   
“Why so she can reject me?” He asks, I stare off at the water   
“So you can know for sure. I was so scared to admit it for so long and it wasn’t because of rejection it was because once you get the answer that’s it a decision needs to be made” I explain. “Fuck” He stammers, I laugh turning to him.   
“Ya” I nod, he lets his eyes travel over me.   
“Can I ask you something?” He stammers, I nod “Could I kiss you?” He asks  
“Why?” I ask kind of confused   
“I want to see something” He explains.   
“Sure” I nod. He leans in slowly, and my clumsy self pulls him tightly against me and captures his lips. The kiss is messy and clumsy but it’s good and it makes me feel good. I pull away breathing hard, his brown eyes are darker, and it makes me smile.   
“Does it mean something that, that was good?” He asks, and I chuckle.   
“No, because who are you thinking about when it’s over?” I whisper, and he sighs loudly running a hand through his short hair.   
“I want one night, where she isn’t stuck in my fucking head. One night that I don’t feel so fucking desperate” he expresses, his tone hard.   
“Ya,” I nod in agreement. I let my eyes wander over the yard. My gaze lands on them again, he’s holding her close. She looks like she’s going to topple over laughing loudly at something her friend is saying. JJ looks like he wants to put her to bed, but he stands there loyally, holding her so she doesn’t fall. I feel the pain in my heart again, the solid ache that seems to be getting more painful.   
“One night,” I say, before turning away from the agonizing view. He turns to me a confused look on his face. “One night, just us using each other” I explain, and realization crosses over his features.   
“To be clear you want to have sex with me?” He asks, making me smile.   
“Ya, kind of a pallet cleanser, to help us both get out of our heads?” I say.   
“Pallet cleanser” He repeats, and I nod. “One night, right?” He asks   
“Yes, one night” I nod, feeling my heart thump in my chest.   
“Sure” He nods and I sigh in relief.   
“So when does this start or..” He stumbles blushing I stand and take another swig of the vodka before taking his hand in mine.   
“Come on” I smile, and he nods. I rush through the crowd, Dereks hand stuck in mine.   
“Kie” I hear Georgia call, I freeze the alcohol making me clumsy. “Kie” She calls again and I turn, I don’t even know why I engage, but I do.   
“Georgia” I nod, and she turns her bright eyes to Derek.   
“Who’s this hunk?” She giggles almost tripping, thankfully JJ’s arms are locked around her small waist.   
“Derek” He extends his hand, and she grins. He moves to JJ, who stares at his outstretched hand, but shakes it.   
“JJ,” He says, and Derek nods.   
“Are you two?” Georgia smiles at me and raises her eyebrows in question. I felt like my mouth was filled with cotton, and It was getting hard to take a full breath. Derek's arms go around my waist, and I know he’s figured it out that this is him.   
“Kiara was actually just going to show me something inside’ He says, his voice low and dripping with innuendo.   
“You were?” JJ looks at me now, and I can see the question in his eye the hurt, but I turn my gaze to Georgia. He hurt me too, and this was gonna make me feel better even for just a second.   
“Ya, We should go” I smile at Georgia who winks and nods. I let Derek lead me, my eyes stuck to JJ who stares at me unblinking. I shake off his gaze and lead Derek to the spare room, and lock the door.   
“That was him right?” Derek asks, I nod before peeling off my shirt. Derek’s eyes go wide, but soon fill with lust making me smile proudly. He rushes forward pulling me into an intense kiss. He pushes me back so we bounce gently onto the bed. His lips moving from my lips to my neck and chest. I let myself relax into him, the anger and sadness pouring out of me, leaving me to focus only on this.


	16. Surprise

I wake up from the pounding in my head. I open my eyes slowly, growing as the light stings my eyes.   
“Morning” I hear, and I try to sit up. Derek is standing and pulling his shirt on. Last nights events roll over me, and I blush.   
“Morning” I smile, and he rubs the back of his neck, a blush covering his cheeks.   
“I have to go, work,” He says, and I nod “I would say thank for last night, but” He laughs, and I nod   
“Sounds like I did you a favor” I laugh, he nods.   
“But thanks for the rest of it, it was a fun night” He smiles  
“Ya, it was” I agree.   
“Friends?” He asks  
“Friends for sure” I stand pulling the blanket with me so I can give him a small hug. I hear him say bye to Dee and John B on his way out, and it makes me laugh. I quickly pull on my clothes and head out to say good morning.   
“I have a fucking crazy story to tell you guys,” I say walking into the kitchen, I freeze when I see JJ at the counter.   
“Hey,” I say, his face is stiff when he nods in my direction.   
“Morning” Dee smiles, I turn to her, and she gives me a tight smile.   
“Morning,” I say, she hands me a mug of coffee.   
“Crazy night, right” She laughs  
“Ya,” I stammer feeling the tension double. JJ stares down at his coffee, then back at me. He looked angry, but he had no right to be. I was the one who should be angry. He was the one throwing Georgia in my face last night even after everything.   
“I should go, mom needs me” I turn to Dee, who leans against the counter coffee in hand.   
“See you later” She smiles sadly at me, and I nod. I couldn’t get JJ’s hard look out of my head, it was making me boil over with anger. I met mom at the house, she had her bags ready by the front door, while she was chatting with the realtor.   
“Mom?” I step out of the car, they both turn smiling.   
“You’re earlier than expected” she laughs   
“You told me to be here at noon,” I say, and she nods turning back to Leslie. They finish up their conversation while I pile mom’s bags into the car. She wanted to get to the airport early, she’s always been like that. Finally, Leslie waves after me while hopping into her car and driving off.   
“Ready?” She asks, I nod. The drive is quiet, mom’s on her phone while JJ’s stubborn face burns behind my eyes.   
“How was last night?” She blurts, I blush.   
“Good” I reply   
“Did you talk to JJ?” She asks, I almost laugh, but instead, I shake my head. “Was it weird?” She asks   
“We didn’t talk much, I was preoccupied with someone else” I admit, my eyes glued to the road ahead.   
“Who?” She asks   
“Some guy Dee introduced me to,” I tell her  
“Kie,” She says in a warning tone.   
“It’s fine mom, we’re friends” I leave out the sex part.   
“So you weren’t using him to get back at JJ?” She asks, her tone knowing   
“We used each other,” I say, and she sighs loudly.   
“That's not healthy” She exclaims, and I huff   
“Well it was fun, and I’m tired of being angry or in pain” I stammer, my cheeks burning. I didn’t need to feel any worse about myself.   
“Kiara honey I’m not judging, I’m just worried,” She says, and I nod.   
“I know, but it wasn’t like that we, it was one night,” I say, and she nods. The rest of the drive is quiet, my mom just staring out the window while I let my childish behavior wash over me. Mom checks her bags and we walk together to her gate. It’s weird to think she’s leaving, that she won’t be in our house anymore. She pulls me into a very tight hug, her perfume wafting over me. I hug her back just as tight, feeling tears form in my eyes.   
“I love you Kiara” She smiles her eyes watery.   
“I love you” I respond, she nods wiping under my eyes.   
“If you need anything call, and please come visit soon, your aunt would love that” She smiles brightly, I nod. She kisses my cheek and gives me one last squeeze before she starts to her gate.   
…  
I’m about to close up when I hear someone walk in. I turn towards the door ready to tell them we’re closed, and I spot Dee.   
“Hey” I smile, she’s in her pajamas and her hair is up in a tight bun.   
“Hey” She smiles back “You getting ready to close?” She asks, and I nod.   
“What’s up, why are you here?” I ask, shutting the lights in the kitchen off.   
“I came to talk” She pulls one of the chairs down and plops down.   
“About?” I ask, moving to pull down the chair across from her.   
“JJ, you, even Derek” She explains, and I sigh   
“Dee,” I say, and she gives me a sharp look.   
“Come on talk to me” She urges.   
“You could have called,” I say, and she laughs   
“I was bored” She shrugs making me laugh. “Come on Kie” She urges again. I lean back into the chair, pushing my hair over my shoulder.   
“I’m sure John B filled you in” I sigh   
“He told me it’s complicated but I’m here to hear your side” She responds, and I nod.   
“He told me he loves me,” I say, and she nods   
“That's good, right?” She asks   
“He said it wouldn’t work, that he was too fucked up” I explain, her smile falls and she nods. “I’m honestly confused Dee, I don’t know what to do or what I’m supposed to feel” I exclaim. She leans forward onto the table, her eyes serious.   
“Can I be honest with you Kie?” She asks  
“Ya, of course” I answer  
“JJ loves you, he’s loved you since I’ve known him, and I’m a stranger in this group. He’s stupid and scared but he loves you” She says, “I know it’s hard to have to prove your love to someone over and over, but right now you have to decide. What do you want?” She asks, her tone hard.   
“Him, I want him but I can’t” I stammer, and she sighs leaning back.   
“What’s really the issue?” She asks   
“I don’t want to want him so much” I exclaim loudly, the words echoing loudly off the walls. “I want him to fight for me, I want someone to fight for me” I blurt the words spilling out.   
“I’ve fought for him, and I can’t do it anymore he has to decide not me, I’ve always wanted him” I add, my words hushed.   
“I’m sorry he’s an idiot,” She says, I nod staring down at the table. I hear her chair move against the floor and then her arms are wrapping around me.   
“I do love him,” I tell her, she nods still clutching me tightly.   
“I know, he’s just got to get his head out of his ass” She laughs. She pulls away her soft smile now a smirk.   
“What about Derek?” She asks, I laugh   
“We slept together, but it was just a one-time thing, he’s In love with someone else,” I tell her  
“Well either way JJ was fuming” She smiles widely, making me laugh.   
“He has Georgia, so he can’t be that mad,” I say, and her eyes widen.   
“He broke up with Georgia a couple nights ago,” She says   
“But at the party,” I say confused   
“She was sad and JJ was taking care of her” She explains   
“They kissed” I quip   
“She was blackout drunk so? I know they’re broken up though I was there when it happened” She explains, I stare at her wide-eyed.   
“I saw them kiss, so I just assumed” I remembered. “She must have kissed him” She responded. “Is that the only reason you slept with Derek?” She asks, a smirk on her face.   
“No, I wanted to relax and he was a good kisser” I giggled, and she laughs too.   
“He’s cute also” She smiles  
“Honestly we bonded over unrequited love, or people being dumb-asses” I laugh, she nods.   
“He’s really not this girl Victoria, he works with her right?” She says  
“Ya, I think she’s into someone else” I add, she nods. “Sucks cause he’s a nice guy” I add.   
“People are dumb-asses” She smirks, and I nod.   
“Dumb ass people,” I remark making her laugh loudly.   
…  
“Romain” John B quips, as he stares at the paint-can. Dee and I are starting on opposite walls and meeting in the middle. John B came by, he said to help but I think he was just bored and alone since JJ was working.   
“It’s a gorgeous color” I quip, as pain drips down my arm.   
“Green walls” he comments, and I sigh   
“Yes”   
“Hey not judging” He lifts his hands up in mock surrender “It suits you, I am judging the name though, Romain like the lettuce” He laughs, and Dee shoves him. Finally, I step back, finished the last wall.   
“It turned out so good” Dee cheers happily. I look around at the gentle green that covers the walls and nods. It turned out great, better than I expected.   
“Green is calming,” I say, and she nods. “It’s perfect” I nod. A soft knock sounds at the door surprising all of us. I place down my paintbrush and head to the front door.  
“Pope,” I say, my jaw dropped. Standing there in a nice button-up and dark dress-pants is a smiling Pope. He looks me up and down noticing the paint stains.   
“I heard you bought this place” he smiles and I pull him into a tight hug.   
“What, when?” I stammer making him laugh.   
“I’ll explain” He smiles, and pushes past me. John B, rushes forward and pulls him into a hug, they both chuckle loudly.   
“You made it man,” John B says, and now I’m even more confused   
“Made it?” I ask as he gives Dee a much more gentle hug.   
“I came for two reasons” He turns to me, and I nod. His eyes travel over the freshly painted walls, taking in the space.   
“Green?” He asks, and John B laughs   
“Shut up and tell me why you’re here?” I state, he chuckles   
“Ellie and I bought a house here,” He says and my eyes widen  
“You’re moving back?” I ask happily, he nods.   
“We actually bought your old house,” He says and I notice the hesitation in his rigid posture.   
“My parent's house?” I ask, he nods   
“Her dad bought it for us, I just found out” He steps forward, and I nod.   
“Well congrats, that’s a big ass house” I smile, and he lets out a small laugh.   
"You don’t mind, it’s not weird?” He asks, I shake my head.   
“No, I’m happy for you both” I exclaim, and he sighs in relief.   
“I can’t believe you bought this place” Pope spins slowly examining the house.   
“I know” I smile widely  
“Okay, the second reason I’m here” He turns to me, and I nod. “What’s going on with you and JJ?” He asks, and I can feel the heat in my cheeks.   
“Nothing” I groan turning to John B with a glare.   
“Really so that’s why he’s In the car and doesn’t think he should come in?” He asks and I move my eyes to the door like I could see him.   
“Well, that’s on him” I shrug, and he sighs.   
“Kie” He warns and I groan again. I move to the kitchen to wash my paint-covered hands.   
“I don’t want to talk about it” I explain, my eyes watching the bubbly soap expand in my hands.   
“We’re gonna get home Kie, kay, come by tonight for dinner, Pope and Ellie will be there,” Dee says, and I look up. They wave and rush off leaving Pope and I alone.   
“You guys are ridiculous” I state wiping my hands with the towel hanging from my stove. I open the cupboard and grab a glass filling it with water. “You want anything?” I ask, and he shakes his head. He pulls out a stool, and plops down, his eyes on mine. He places his elbows on the counter and leans forward.   
“Come on Kie” He urges, and I sigh leaning back against the fridge. The metal is cold against my back.   
“What did he tell you?” I ask. I notice his fingers flex and move across the countertop.   
“Not much, he refuses to talk about it” He responded, his tone flat.   
“So I have to?” I aks   
“Yes, because you’re a lot less stubborn than him,” He says, and I arch my eyebrow. “Fine you’re both stubborn, but you’re just easier to talk to” He relents and I sigh   
“It’s obvious isn’t it?” I laugh, feeling the bitterness creep up inside me. “I’m not the one making things weird, he is with his hot and cold attitude. One minute he’s fine the next he’s angry at me for no reason” I express angrily, he looks skeptical and I shrug.   
“No reason?” He asks, I sigh   
“I slept with someone and he saw us coming out of the room after, but we’re friends nothing more according to him so it can’t bother him, it shouldn’t” I explain, moving my hands wildly.   
“It’s not that simple” He defends and I glare   
“It is because he’s choosing not to be with me so he has no right to have any input in my sex life!” I declare. I can see the pity in his eyes, and it makes me angrier. “Stop looking at me like that Pope, I’m fine okay I want everything back to normal,” I say, my heart racing.   
“You want everything back to normal, really?” He asks, sounding unconvinced.   
“Yes, otherwise I’ve lost him altogether!” I blurt, and he nods.   
“Fine, then you two need to talk,” He says. I walk around the countertop and plop down on the stool beside him.   
“Is he really sitting out there in the car?” I ask, he nods. “He’s so stupid sometimes” I laugh, and Pope let out a small laugh. “I’ll talk to him” I nod, and he smiles widely at me. I shove him lightly, making him let out a loud laugh.   
“He’s in the car” Pope instructs and I groan standing up. I walk outside, my eyes immediately landing on JJ’s truck. He has a light on and he’s airing down at his lap, his face stiff. I notice he’s starting to bob his head, and the sight makes me smile. I pull down my rising crop top and head towards the car. I knock lightly on the window, and I can see the panic on his face before he turns to face me. He rolls down the window, his eyes wide.   
“What the fuck?” He asks   
“I could ask you the same question” I responded, he turned back to the steering wheel. “You were gonna stay out here the whole time?” I ask, he turns back to me.   
“I didn’t want it to be weird” He explains, his tone apprehensive almost. I notice how tired he looks, the bags under his eyes prominent.   
“What should we do?” I ask, feeling slightly exhausted by the whole situation, “I miss you Kie” He says, and the words make a warm feeling spread over me.   
“I miss you too” I agree, and he smiles lightly. Maybe now wasn’t out time, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.   
“I know I screwed things up, and I never want to..” He stammers, his cheeks pink. “I don’t want to cause you pain Kie, I don’t want to make you feel any way but happy” He explains, his eyes intense.   
“I know” I reply, and he nods curtly “We’ve always been friends even with everything else, so we’ll always have that,” I tell him, he goes to open the car door now and step out, so I back up.   
“You think we can go back to being friends,” He asks, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. I knew that not having him in my life would hurt me more than swallowing back my feelings for him.   
“Ya, Pogues for life” I smile brightly, he sighs in relief. Then he pulls me into a tight hug, his cologne surrounding me. I gripped onto him tightly, and I realize in that moment how much I had missed him, us. It hurt knowing I couldn’t kiss him, but it hurt worse to think about never seeing him again.   
…  
A week passed, and everything seemed to go back to normal. Or a semblance of normalcy, I guess. Pope and Ellie were moving in, and redecorating, she wanted to make the house more modern. It was fun having Pope back, it felt good to have all the Pogues in one place for once. I did find myself staring after JJ, It was weird knowing everything was on the table. All our feelings were laid out, but nothing changed. Some part of me was glad, that I still had this, and it felt like before I admitted my feelings. Another part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s like I’m in limbo waiting for some big thing to change or shift. I’m trying to shake myself out of it, but it’s not going away. It weighs heavily on me, like an anchor. I guess I’m not doing anything about it because this past couple of weeks have been intense enough. I wanted some peace even if it was distorted. The only thing that feels fresh and new is me having my own place. It feels like the first grownup move I’ve ever made. Especially since I’m working full time and paying all the bills. It makes me happy to have responsibility and roots. I never knew how much I wanted my own roots. I guess I was always so eager to explore and change that I didn’t realize how important it is to be able to call someplace home. Now I have my own little home, my sanctuary honestly. The one thing I can say I hate about being an adult is grocer shopping, it still sucks ass. I place the watermelon in my cart, huffing slightly from the weight. I continue forward, letting my eyes move along the various fruit and veggies. I stop to grab some carrots and cucumbers, the mist cooling my skin. I hum lightly to myself as I pack the cucumbers in my own vegetable bags. I stare at the plastic bags in disdain, nothings changed.   
“Kiara” Someone says, and I recognize the voice right away. I turn to the voice, my eyes wide and my jaw dropped. Sarah Cameron stared back at me with a wide smile. She looked the same except now her hair was shorter, and her cheeks seem sharper, less round maybe. I just stare completely In shock over her standing three feet away from me.   
“I didn’t know you were back” She steps closer.   
“I could say the same about you” I finally speak, a sharp edge to my tone. Her smile drops just slightly, and she nods.   
“It’s been a while,” She says, and I nod, placing the bag of vegetables in my cart. “I heard you were In the Peace Corp” She adds, pushing some hair behind her ear.   
“I should go” I push my cart forward and she gives me a pleading look.   
“Wait, Kie” She urges. I freeze at the use of the nickname. “Could we catch up?” She asks, and I sigh.   
“I don’t really feel like catching up with you,” I tell her, she sighs biting down on her lower lip.   
“I get it, but I’d really appreciate it” She exclaims, and I turn back to my cart.   
“I have to go” I repeat before continuing down the aisle.


	17. Can't Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I had to make this chapter shorter, wanted to stop at a certain place...

“Should I tell him?” I ask slightly frantic, JJ gives me a confused look. “Because it could be bad if I do and if I don’t” I add. He cracks his knuckles, his face stoic. “JJ?” I ask, my voice higher than usual   
“I don’t know Kie” He looks back at me. I start pacing the small space of his living room. After I saw Sarah I came to see JJ, needing his advice and to tell someone too. I couldn’t go to Dee and John B was obviously off-limits. Pope was with Ellie and honestly, I thought of JJ first.   
“He’ll want to know” He quips, standing up. I notice him slightly wince as he stands. “But I don’t know if we should tell him, you know how he is with her” he turns away from me.   
“What happened?” I ask  
“What do you mean, I already told you what happened with Sarah” he turns giving me a confused look. I walk towards him, and his confused look morphs into realization.   
“Why are you wincing whenever you move?” I ask, my hands crossed, he sighs. “It’s not a big deal Kie” He shakes me off turning away from my worried gaze. “What happened?” I ask again   
“I fell off a ladder” He expresses, his cheeks pink.   
“Off a ladder?” I ask “Where?”   
“I was helping Pope and Ellie, they were trimming those overgrown hedges and I slipped” He explains.   
“So If I ask Pope, he’ll be able to tell me that exactly,” I asked still feeling skeptical   
“Yes” His eyes burn into mine, and I sigh.   
“Can I see?” I ask, he shakes his head. “Sit down jackass and let me see” I command, helping back into his seat.   
“Kie,” His cheeks are pink as I grip the edge of his shirt  
“Don’t be a baby Maybank” I give him a defiant look, even though my heart was beating loudly. He lets me slowly pull off his shirt, and I almost gasp when I see the bright purple bruise on his right side.   
“JJ” I groan gently touching around it, he winces visibly. “Sorry” I mumble, pulling away. I rush to his kitchen grabbing something frozen from the freezer and a towel.   
“Did you go to the hospital, you could have broken a rib” I say as I rush back to him.   
“No, it’s fine really I’ve had worse” He brushes me off, and I see him cringe at the explanation. I place the icepack gently on his side, he hisses lightly through his teeth.   
“Sorry” I whisper keeping my hand lightly on the skin beside the bruise. “If this bruise gets bigger, you have to tell me,” I say, my eyes panicked. He nods, a small smile on his face. He winces again and reaches out for the icepack, his warm hand landing on top of my chillier one. He stretches his fingers just slightly, almost enveloping my hand with his bigger one. I stare down at our hands, my heart leaping into my throat.   
“What should we do?” He asks, and my gaze springs back up to him confused.   
“What?” I ask, my voice breathy and uneven.   
“What should we do about Sarah and John B?” He coughs pulling his hand off of mine. I feel a pang in my chest at the action.   
“What would you want?” I ask him   
“I don’t know” He responded “He loves Dee,” He says, and I nod in agreement. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door, and we spring apart like we were doing something suspicious. JJ stands, a small groan escaping his lips. I sit back, my heart beating widely in my chest.   
“She’s here” I hear John B voice from the front door, I stand. Suddenly the doors being shut, and I hear footsteps making their way towards me.   
“Sarah’s here” John B repeats, just as his eyes land on mine. “Why are you here?” He asks, his eyes wide with confusion.   
“I saw Sarah at the grocery store, and I came here to see if I should tell you” I admit, he sighs moving to sit down.   
“So what was your decision?” He asks. His gaze darts between JJ and me.   
“We were undecided” JJ replies. “Well, it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change anything” He leans back into the couch, his face hard.   
“That’s good” I nod, and he turns his eyes away from us, landing on the glass of water on the table.   
“What did she say?” He asks, and I groan   
“John B,” I say, and he turns his stare to me. I sit down beside him, and I feel him stiffen.   
“Can I ask you something?” I ask him, he nods but doesn’t face me. “Do you love Dee?” I ask. His gaze bounces to me, and he looks angry.   
“Of course I do” He mutters   
“Do you love Sarah?” I ask. His face is stony and cold, but I can see the hesitation in his eyes.   
“It’s complicated with us,” he says   
“It’s not if you love Dee you have to do what’s best for her, which means you have to decide. You can’t keep her as a backup plan.” I exclaim “Because she deserves better, she loves you and she wants a future with you. That means no bullshit every time Sarah comes into town.” He shifts, his face softer now.   
“I love Dee, more than I love Sarah I know that now” he explains, and I nod “I’m scared when I see her that’ll change” He admits, his voice sounding tiny.   
“Love doesn’t change, no matter how much you want it to” I vouched, keeping my eyes off JJ.   
“Every time she’s been able to suck me back in” he states.   
“You’re older now, and I think it’ll be different” I respond, he snatches the stable on his face, his eyes have a faraway look in them. “Who do you think about when you wake up?” I ask him  
“Dee” He answers   
“And when something exciting happens, who do you want to tell?”   
“Dee” He nods, the confusion washing off his face.   
“Sarah was your first love and that’s sometimes hard to shake off, but Dee is your future. She’s the one who picks you ups when you’re down and she’s the one who puts your needs first” I express vehemently. He turns to me, his eyes glossy.   
“She was there for me even after what I did to her with Sarah,” He says, and I nod. “Why does she… why?” He asks, and I sigh.   
“You’re stupid, most guys are. She loves you John B and she wants the best for you despite it hurting her” I explain  
“You know all the woman in my life usually leave me” He whispers, the pain evident in his voice.   
“She won’t, she’s proved that don’t you think?” I ask, he nods wiping quickly under his eyes and taking a steadying breath.   
“I don’t want Sarah” He turns to me, and I nod, “I think it easy to be with her because I feel less…,” he stills, trying to find the right word. “I guess I’m okay with her leaving it makes more sense that someone who wants to stay” He explains, and I move to squeeze his knee lightly.   
“Dee wants to stay,” I tell him  
“She wants to stay” He repeats  
“So stop being an idiot” I shove him gently, he chuckles. My eyes move to JJ, and he’s staring down at the ground. His face is hard, and it’s like I can see the thoughts in his head. The frequent self-deprecating thoughts.   
…  
I’m about to close down for the night when I hear the chimes of the front door opening. I turn about to recite the line that we’re closed when I freeze. Sarah stands there hands in her pockets, and a soft look on her face.   
“We’re closed,” I say, and she steps forward   
“Can we talk?” She asks   
“Not in the mood” I turn back to stacking the chairs.   
“Please Kie” She urges  
“Why do you want to talk to me?” I ask  
“We were best friends” She explains, and I scoff  
“That was a long time ago” I retort “Plus that stopped when you broke your promise” I exclaim, my tone firm.   
“What promise?” She asks   
“That you wouldn’t leave John B” I turn to her, glaring. She looks at me with wide glossy eyes. I can feel the apology on her lips before she starts. “Just don’t” I hold my hand up.   
“It’s complicated Kie” She countered. I place the last chair up on the table, keeping my eye on the back wall.   
“You did it more than once” I bellow angrily.   
“Why does that have to control our friendship, it’s two different things” She complains. I turn to her, the anger fizzing inside of me.   
“Because I don’t want to be friends with someone who could do that to my best friend. You broke him multiple times and you come back knowing he’ll be there. I don’t think that makes you a good person” I state, her eyes widen immensely.   
“I don’t... It’s not like that” Tears roll down her face, and I try not to roll my eyes. “I love John B” She cries   
“You don’t, you love Sarah Cameron and that’s fine, you should, but you shouldn’t act like you love someone only to leave them,” I remarked, she nods.   
“I, you know how I get, you left them too you know” She stammers, her voice shaky. She steps forward a tear rolling down her cheek. “They were broken after you left Kie, especially JJ” She continues and I can feel my throat tightening. “You left them and you can be forgiven why can’t I?” She whines.   
“I… I didn’t leave them because I was scared I left because I couldn’t breathe hear after everything. They know that. You left because you were scared and you did it more than once” I explain, she shakes her head. “I didn’t have someone who loved me back also” I add, my stomach clenching tightly.   
“All I want is forgiveness” She cries, and I sigh   
“I forgive you, Sarah, even John B forgives you but we can’t be friends, you’ll leave again” I affirmed, she looked like I had just slapped her.  
“I’m here for good now Kie” She pushes some hair from her face. I shift from one foot to the other, staring at her glossy eyes.   
“I don’t believe you” I state simply   
“I’ll prove it to you, to all of you” She sniffs. She turns to leave, her sneakers squeaking against the ground.   
“Leave John B alone” I blurt, she freezes.   
“He’s happy with Dee, she makes him happy and if you love him like you say you do you won’t ruin it for him” I explain   
“If he loves her he won’t flinch when I talk to him” She responded, her tone snarky.   
“You’ve always been good at manipulating him Sarah” I reply “He won’t flinch but you always make it seem like you really love him because you come back, and he’s so fucked up by his mom he listens” I explain. She doesn’t say anything she just continues to walk out the front door, the chimes sounding after her.   
…  
Pope and Ellie continue explaining the renovations they’re working on, but honestly, I’m too spaced out to listen to either of them. I sip my now warm beer, staring into the bright bonfire. The wind swirled around me, making me shiver slightly. Sarah’s words echoed in my head. Had I broken my boys by leaving? Was I really what made JJ go off the rails. The familiar pain swells through me, making it hard to take a breath. I clutch onto the chair, my eyes glued to one of the sparks flying across the yard.   
“You okay?” JJ’s voice breaks through my crippling pain. I turn to him, my eyes wide. He looks concerned but I take a sip of my beer and nod. The tightness in my chest easing slightly.   
“You’ve never been a good liar” He claims, and I feel my throat burn, and tears prickle at my eyes.   
“I recently learned I was better than I thought” The remark is snarky and bitter, but I felt lighter having it out there. His face stiffens and he nods turning away from me. I’m about to apologize when I see a family face making its way towards us.   
“Derek?” I say, he smiles awkwardly at me, and they all turn to him.   
“Hey” Dee smiles her eyes moving to mine.   
“Sorry to interrupt, I needed to talk to Kie,” He says hands in his pockets. I stare confused. I place my beer down and stand, feeling all eyes on us.   
“What’s up?” I ask, he looks down at the ground then back at me.   
“Could we talk in private?” He asks, I nod. We walk towards the edge of the water, and I wait for him to speak up.   
“So, I kind of ran into JJ and John B two days ago” He starts, and I stop walking.  
“What?” I ask, he sighs   
“It was just at the beach, I was with a couple of friends.” He explains, I nod.   
“Listen I know we only slept together once but I wanted to tell you,” He says, and I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. “He was furious at me, for honestly, I have no idea he kind of just went off. We got into a pretty bad fight” He explains, and I stare shocked.   
“I kicked him pretty badly in the ribs, and it was in defense but I feel bad” He continues “The reason I wanted to tell you was because he loves you, and I thought you should know.” He shrugs.   
“He beat you up?” I ask   
“Well it was pretty even, he thought I used you, and he was mad” He remembered. I stare at him in shock, not really knowing what to say.   
“You said he loves me?” I finally say, he nods.   
“You don’t get like that unless you love someone. He loves you and I know you think it’s unrequited or whatever but it’s more than that and ya” he nods, his cheeks pink.   
“I’m sorry he did that” I blurt, he shrugs   
“Honestly kind of impressed me” He laughs, and I smile despite feeling conflicted.   
“Thank you for telling me,” I say, he nods. I shift and pull him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry about whatever her name is,” I say, and he chuckles   
“You know I kind of deserve better so” He quips, and I nod.   
“You do, you’re more than just nice” I respond, his smile widens. We walk back and everyone is staring at us.   
“Bye guys” He waves walking back to his car. I notice JJ is staring at his beer, his face hard. I smack the top of his head suddenly, he groans and looks up at me angrily.   
“Are you stupid?” I ask, he huffs   
“He told you,” He remarks, I nod   
“He told me, and you lied about your ribs” I state, hand on my hip.   
“I was just being protective, John B and I just thought” He starts   
“Hey no, I’m not involved” John B interrupts, and JJ glares.   
“I thought he was using you, which he was because he was flirting with another girl and it just made me angry” He explains shrugging.   
“You’re so stupid JJ, Derek and I just Hooked up, it was a one-night thing” I state, and his face hardens   
“Well, I didn’t know” He responds. “Sorry I was being a friend” He looks away from me.   
“You weren’t being a friend you were jealous,” I say, and I notice everyone look away. He didn’t respond, his eyes were glued to the fire. "Can't you ever just be honest?” I ask, feeling completely exhausted.   
“I’m not the dishonest one here Kiara” He concludes, his tone ice-cold.   
“What am I dishonest about?” I breathe out, he stands, and I step back. He starts walking away towards his car, I stare after him mouth open wide.   
“Mature” I yell following after him, he doesn’t stop and I feel my heart thrum against my ribcage.   
“What am I dishonest about” I repeat loudly. He turns suddenly making me stop quickly.   
“You don’t love me,” he says, and I snort.   
“Really?” I ask   
“if this is you loving me then..” he laughs without humor   
“Are you kidding me, you... wow you are Ridiculous” I huff feeling completely flabbergasted.   
“I’m not, you can’t go from loving me to sleeping with someone else” he exclaims “and you wonder why this won’t work” he grunts “Enlighten me” I spit back   
“You don’t actually love me Kie you think you do and maybe you just love that you can fix me or help me but you don’t love me like I love you. The reason I’m so hesitant was proven by you sleeping with him” he exclaims loudly stepping closer to me. I stare shocked at the words that left his mouth. “You think you love me, but you don’t it’s not the same” he adds sounding frantic now.   
“I do love you,” I say, the words falling short, he looks upset. “Explain to me the difference then” I place my hand on my hip  
“Fine” he sighs running a hand through his hair. “I... I’ve loved you since we were kids and it’s, it’s like this, you being happy makes me happy you being scared or hurt that makes me scared and hurt. I can’t breathe when I’m not with you, well I can but it’s uncomfortable and it feels different. See when I’m not around you, I... I can’t stop thinking about how much I wish you were around. You make me better, and all of this sounds cliche and stupid but it’s all pathetically true” His eyes are so intense it makes me dizzy. “You smile and god you don’t even know what it does to me Kie.” He steps closer, and I suck in a breath. “Everything you do effects me, it’s crazy. Everything! This is why it’s so easy for me to be the bad guy because you being happy is the only thing that matters. And I know you say you love me and part of me wants to believe you” He runs a hand through his hair “I really want to believe you love me Kie because then id have everything, and it would be amazing.” He stops, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I want so badly to reach for him, to stop him with a kiss but I don’t. I’m frozen in place. “I know that I wouldn’t… couldn’t make you happy.” The words sound broken “I’m too me to not bring you down Kie, don’t you get that?” He asks “And I can’t even though all I want is to kiss you and touch you and to make you happy,…… because if I hurt you kie, it would destroy me” he finishes breathing hard.


	18. Fight

I hear a knock on the door, but I don’t move out of bed. I continue staring at the wall in my bedroom, hoping the person gets the hint. They knock again, and I pull the blanket tighter against me. It sounds like someone unlocking the door, and I remember Dee has a spare key in case of emergencies because she’s the most responsible. The door opens and shuts, but no one says anything. I hear the footsteps make their way down the hall, and I wait for my name to be called. I continue staring forward, my eyes unfocused and blurry. I feel the bed dip, as the person sits down beside me. “Kie” Dee’s voice is gentle but prodding. “Kie” She repeats, but I can’t respond, I feel too drained. My body feels weighted to the bed, my mouth glued shut. I feel her hand move to my shoulder, as she gently shakes me, but I still can’t move.  
“Kie, we’re all worried.” She pulls away. “I know what happened the other night was..” She struggles to find the words, it almost makes me laugh. “Hard, but please talk to me” She urges. I feel the ache in my throat, the one that follows with tears pricking my eyes.  
~  
He was breathing hard, and he looked beyond broken. I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. Maybe I portrayed that on my face because his face softened and he looked apologetic. I felt rooted in place even though all I wanted was o be in his arms.  
“I’m sorry Kie” He steps closer, and I can see the pain on his face. He was in pain, and I hadn’t realized how much.  
“What do you want me to do?” I ask, my voice rough and low. He runs a hand over his chin, a quizzical look on his face.  
“It hurts me kie when you tell me you love me because I can’t imagine you loving me like that. So if there is any doubt after all of this please just...” his voice breaks and I feel something deep inside me break too. “Just let me go” He answers. He was hurt and I hurt him, but I didn’t know how to fix it. So instead I ran, I ran to my car and drove home. I got into my bed, feeling the weight of his words, striking me to my mattress.  
~  
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell her, the memory burned into my break. The pain in his eyes, making my stomach clench violently.  
“What happened?” She asks, and I feel a tear trail down my eyes across my nose to land on my pillow.  
“He loves me” I whisper, the words sending a pang over me. “I use to think he didn’t or he couldn’t but he loves me” I state, the words sinking in.  
“Well that’s good, you love him to don’t you?” She asks  
“I do love him, I do, but I don’t, I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Maybe we’re just too..” I couldn’t finish the sentence, I didn’t know what word fit.  
“Kiara Carrera, do you love JJ Maybank?” She asks again this time harder. I feel her move off the bed and walk over to my side. Her face was hard, and her hair was wild around her face.  
“Yes” I answer, she nods and I suddenly feel the need to sit up, so I do.  
“Then there is no buts okay because you have to fight for him” She points at me, and I shake my head.  
“What if I’m not good for him?” I ask  
“Enough, both of you are too busy thinking of the other you’re not realizing that the only thing you both need is each other” She demands, and I stare shocked at the anger in her voice. “I’ve stood by and watched JJ pine after a figment, and then when you got here I watched it play out again, and I’ve watched you pine after him. Enough is enough!” She breathes out, and I nod.  
“You love him and he loves you, and maybe you need to be the one to show him but that’s only because he’s damaged and is too nice for his own good. But if you love him like I know you do you have to tell him” She says this softer a small smile on her face. “You love him right?” She asks after  
“Yes, I love him. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him” I admit, she nods triumphantly. “I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved him” I repeat the words sinking in. “I feel everything he feels for me Dee, and I feel everything he feels. I never stopped even when I was halfway across the world, he was still the first thing I thought about every morning” I blurt, letting the words sink in. She nods and I stand, feeling the intense need to express my love to him too.  
“I have to go?” I stammer moving to my closet to grab some pants. I quickly threw on some shorts and Dee stands in the same place a shocked look on her face.  
“To JJ?” SHe asks  
“Ya, I need to tell him I really love him, it’s not gonna fade” I explain, feeling frantic.  
“He’s at the office” She explains, and I nod. She follows me out as I grab my keys.  
“I’m so excited” She cheers making me chuckle nervously. I turn to her, and she looks confused.  
“Thank you” I smile, she pulls me into a tight hug  
“You two deserve to be happy” She squeezes me, I squeeze her back. I peel out of the driveway, my heart beating wildly in my chest.  
…  
I walk right in, the bell on the door chimes loudly. Maybe It just feels too loud because I’m hyper-focused. I hear footsteps and then I see JJ walks out, his smile dropping slightly.  
“Kie?” He asks, I step forward, and swallow back the lump in my throat. “Are you okay?” He steps around the desk a worried look on his face. “I love you” I spit out, he freezes, and I see the reply on his lips, “I really love you, and I know you think I don’t” I continue quickly, the reply dies on his lips. “You said that I just wanted to fix you or something like that but it’s not that,” I say  
“Kie, please,” he says and I step forward again, his face stiffens.  
“When I see you it’s like a fire is lit inside of me, you make me feel… warm, like I’m melting.” I explain, he tilts his head as I continue. “I want to be around you all the time even when you’re being stupid, I can’t keep myself from you… I can’t stop thinking about you, and I’ve thought about you since you rejected me that day after graduation” I admit. “It wasn’t some passing thought, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you JJ. No one has even come close, no matter how much I tried.” I suck in a steadying breath “You say I don’t understand but I do. I love you because of all your faults and baggage. I love you because even though you’ve had the shittiest childhood you’re still kind and loyal” I laugh, sounding slightly crazy. “You care despite being told so many horrible things, things that aren’t true.” I move closer feeling him tense. “Those things aren’t true, you deserve to be loved, you are worth more than you’ll ever know” I smile brightly at him, he doesn’t move. His eyes are wide and intense. “You make me want to be a better person. So no I don’t love you because I think I can fix you, I love you because you helped me love myself even when it hurt you. You’ve put me first in everything.” I step closer, my heart pounding.  
“Kie” He whispers I shake my head.  
“You’ve put me first so much that this should come easy to you JJ because all I want, all I fucking need is you. So please let me love you because you deserve It and so do I” I stammer. I finally reach for him, my hand landing on his cheek lightly.  
“I’m screwed up” He whispers, his tone shaky.  
“So am I” I mumble inching closer. I can smell the cologne on his skin, and it makes me shiver.  
“I’m scared that if you really get to know me…” He pauses and I keep my eyes on his urging him on. “I’m scared you won’t love me” He finishes, and I feel my heart squeeze. I move so I’m against his chest, my thumb running slowly across his cheek.  
“There will never be any deal breakers JJ, you’re stuck with me forever” I whisper, my lips hovering over his.  
“Forever?” He asks  
“Forever” I repeat. “Because there is nothing you could do or show me that would make me leave you, nothing, never. You’re it for me Maybank” I smile, and I can feel the quickening of his breath against my lips. Finally, he captures my lips, I melt into his embrace. He circled his arms around my waist holding me flush against him. I’m grateful for the support since I feel like if he let go, my knees would wobble, and the floor would give out. I move my hand to the base of his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. I feel the heat in my veins and the quaking in my pulse. The familiar thrum just underneath my skin. He breaks away and we’re both breathing hard.  
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted Kie, since we were kids and you gave me your lunch because you knew I was hungry. You are the most incredible person” He says, his words quick and sloppy. Like he’s trying to get me to understand. I feel the heat in my stomach as he lightly licks his lips. I shift, my heartbeat low and steady in my lower stomach.  
“Show me how much you love you” I whisper, my breathing rapid and hot. His eyes darken, and It makes me shiver and smile. He attacks my lips with his, pushing me back against the countertop. I feel the excitement swell though me. He moves his lips down my neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps as he goes. I let my hands travel down his arms to his torso. I let my hands wander under his shirt, and over his hard chest. I can feel him shiver under my touch, and it sends a thrill through me. He pulls back, his eyes darker than before, but he looks hesitant.  
“Here?” He asks, and I nod “Are you sure?” He asks breathless.  
“We’ve waited long enough, I need you now” I murmur against his lips before I pull him into a heated kiss. He moves us backward to the office, before shutting the door behind us. I break away pulling his shirt lightly, he raises his arms, and I peel it off. He does the same for me, before unhooking my bra. His lips move back to my chest, placing hot kisses down my chest. I feel my skin burn with every kiss, and my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. He leans me back against his desk, papers flying around us. My head swarms as I pull his face back to mine for another eager kiss.  
…  
I’m pulling my clothes back on, a wide smile on my face. I let my gaze shift to JJ, who’s pulling his shirt back on. My face flushes as lust swarms through me. He made the simplest things sexy, it was concerning, to say the least. His eyes drifted to mine, a small smirk on his face.  
“Shut up” I turn away a smile on my face. I feel his arms wrap around me from behind, his chest hard against my back. He presses a soft kiss to the crook of my neck making me shiver. I lean back into his embrace, my head finally feeling clear.  
“What now?” He whispers against my skin. I stare off at the desk, and papers on the floor, a small smile on my face.  
“Now’s the fun part” I laugh, feeling my skin heat. I turn so my chest is against his, moving my hands to clasp around this neck.  
“Really?” He smirks, I nod. He leans down pecking my lips lightly. This feels just as good as the passionate frenzied kiss, from earlier. This kiss is simple but it feels like a promise, to do this forever.  
“It’s weird we’ve never gotten past the sex part” I laugh, he nods his eyes traveling over my face.  
“I’m kind of freaked out” He admits quietly, I arch my eyebrow in question. “I’ve never been in a relationship where I love the person, I don’t know what to do” He explains. The word love sends a pang of happiness through me.  
“Like I told you before there are no rules, we just do what feels right” I shrug breaking away from his arms to grab my keys from the desk. “And I’d love to discuss what’s right with you, but I have to work” I smile knowing he would ask what is the right thing. He smiles too. I move past him, but his hand reaches for my wrist pulling me flush against his chest.  
“I get to kiss you goodbye now” he beams before capturing my lips.  
“Yes,” I smile against his lips.  
…  
As soon as I got to work, I was hounded by almost all my employees. No one could make one decision without my input. Which usually I don’t mine but it dragged on all day, making the feeling of glee from earlier quickly dissipate. Now I’m in bed, with a cup of tea completely exhausted. I flip through channels on the TV, The schedules speed out around me. I finally stop on some nature documentary. I take a long sip of my camomile tea, shutting my eyes lightly. They spring open in surprise when I hear my doorbell ring out. I grab my robe, and quickly rush to the front door. I’m expecting Dee, but instead, I’m met with a nervous-looking JJ.  
“Hey” I smile, he bounces slightly on the balls of his feet.  
“Hey, sorry I tried calling” He responds  
“My phones dead” I explain, he nods.  
“Did you want to come in?” I ask, he coughs, but nods. I move slightly so he can walk in. He moves towards the kitchen quickly. I can tell he’s nervous by how tense he seems.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying not to look too amused at his state of timidness.  
“Nothing, honestly I just wanted to see you and I..” He breaks off, his cheeks pink. I walk slowly towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck loosely.  
“You can come over whenever JJ” I giggle, moving to peck his lips lightly. I pull back still smiling and he quickly circles my waist pulling me into a long kiss. This kiss is frenzied, and leaves me dizzy.  
“I really wanted to do that” He let out a breath against my lips making me shiver.  
“I really wanted you to do that” I mumble against his lips, he chuckles. I pull away, my skin flushed visibly.  
“I have stupid schedules to make” I groan, he nods “You want to keep me company, I’m watching a nature doc” I smile, his smile widens. He follows me to the room, and I move some of my papers over to make room for him. It’s scary how easy this feels, for him to be here with me, it makes me think of maybe one day having a place together. Shit calm down, it’s been one day. It’s different though, right, with us it has to be. I shake my head moving my focus back on the stupid schedules. I grab my tea from the bedside taking a small sip. My eyes glued to Daniels request for time off, again.  
“You know Daniels asked for time off for the second time this month” I comment absently.  
“So turn him down” JJ responds, I turn to him  
“He also has an old mom” I quip, and he chuckles “Shut up” I shove him lightly  
“No, it’s cute” he smiles brightly, I blush. I shift my eyes back onto the sheet, sighing loudly. “You want a sip” I hold out my cup automatically. I grab my pen and quickly scribble in his time off. I feel his finger touch mine as he takes the cup. I just realize I gave him tea, which I know for a fact he hates. I turn to him and watch as he takes a small sip, his eyes on the nature doc.  
“It’s tea” I spit, he turns and nods. “You hate tea” I mumble, a smile on my face.  
“It’s not so bad, and actually it’s my first time having tea” He explains, I arch my brow in confusion.  
“I lied about hating it, honestly don’t know why” He laughs, I shove him lightly  
“You gave me so much shit about liking tea, you fucker” I laugh, he shrugs. “Now you don’t get mine” I move to grab the cup, but he holds it high above his head. “JJ” I laugh, the papers crunching under my knees.  
“Come on I actually like it now” He laughs, I shake my head  
“You don’t deserve it” I fake glare. His eyes travel over my face a soft look on his face. “What?” I ask, kind of automatically.  
“I like this” He mumbles, just as soft, my heart kind of stutters.  
“Stealing my tea?” I ask, feeling my cheeks burn  
“Being in your bed, and being able to kiss you” He replies evenly. I lick my lips lightly, letting my eyes drift over his soft features. He looked so sincere, it made me kind of breathless in the moment.  
“I like it too” I agree leaning in to touch my lips to his. His fingers tangle in my hair, and I hear the cup being placed on the bedside table, as his other hand grips my waist to pull me towards him. I feel my heart hammer in my chest as his lips move to my neck and collarbone.  
“You have scheduled” He mumbles against the column of my neck, making me shiver all over. I couldn’t even think of the schedules right now, not with how loud my heart beating.  
“Fuck the schedules” I breath pulling his lips to mine in a rushed, sloppy kiss.  
…  
“What did I miss?” He stumbles in holding two Pepsi’s and a pizza. He pushes the door shut with his leg, moving quickly to the bed.  
“They’re about to molt” I smile, he hops into bed, an excited look on his face.  
“Did you answer the door in your underwear?” I laugh  
“Ya, I was too intrigued by the penguins to care” he hands me a Pepsi, I smile wildly at him. I sit up, the blanket rolling down my naked body. I groan quietly, pulling it over my chilled body. JJ dips, and I focus on the way his muscles contract as he reaches to pick something up. He sits back up and hands me his shirt. I quickly pull it over my head.  
“Wow, we’re that couple” I laugh, grabbing a slice of pizza, he turns a grin on his face.  
“You know where I take all your clothes and you act like you hate it but secretly it turns you on” I explain, he chuckles loudly.  
“It doesn’t secretly turn me off” He grins “Why? You don’t want to be that couple?” He asks, mouth full  
“I would rather be the completely naked couple” I grin, his smile drops and morphs into a very sexy smirk.  
“I can fix that,” He says about to pull off his shirt, I shove him laughing mouth full of pizza.  
“No, I’m cold” I laugh, my stomach cramping, He continues to push me down on the bed, his body hovering over mine. “JJ” I push at him, he captures my lips in a heart-stirring kiss. He pulls away and sits back up, his eyes moving back to the TV. I sit up, my skin flushed.  
“I’m keeping the shirt” I quip before taking another big bite of my pizza, he chuckles, his eyes never leaving the TV.  
…  
I trace an aimless pattern on JJ’s chest, the room void of any light. We finished that Natures documentary, or I guess it finished while we were preoccupied with other things. Now the room is quiet, and I can hear JJ’s soft breathing. I drop my hand flat on his chest, waiting for the thrum of his strong heartbeat against my palm. I move my palm up and then back down, relishing in the strong planes of his chest.  
“That feels good” His subdue voice startles me slightly making me freeze.  
“You scared me” I whisper, moving closer to his warm body.  
“You thought I was sleeping?” He asks  
“Ya,” I grin, continuing my pattern on his chest. It goes quiet again, and I feel his hand shift, and I can feel the tug of his fingers in my curls.  
“Is it weird how easy this feels?” He asks, his voice quiet.  
“I thought about that earlier” I muse just as quiet  
“And?” He asks  
“I think it makes sense, it’s us” I respond, pausing my movements on his chest. “I think it’s safe for us to skip the first date and awkward life stories, we already know everything about each other” I explain, my voice bouncing around the room.  
“Ya, but I want to take you out” he replies, his tone apprehensive. I smile widely, a fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  
“Okay, then you have to ask properly,” I tell him, my voice sounding nonchalant.  
“Then I will” He retorts making me giggle quietly. “Not now because it feels forced” He adds, I nod even though he can’t see me. “But I’m going to ask you” He reiterates, yawning. I shift so my head is next to his, my face inches from his. He turns over, my hand falls off his chest to the mattress with a soft thud. I let my eyes travel over his face, trying to see if I can make him out.  
“You honestly look like a monster right now” He quips, and I snort laughing. “I mean because I can’t make out your face” He explains. I feel his arm move from my waist, slowly making its way up my arm and to my neck. Finally, it lands on my jaw, his thumb brushing past it gently. His thumb trails across my jaw to my chin, and then up brushing my lips. He stops there, his finger smoothing gently across my bottom lip.  
“Keep it up and we won’t get any sleep tonight” I mutter against his thumb. I can feel him tense, it makes me feel powerful and light.  
“I’m definitely okay with that” He responded before I feel him lean in and capture my lips.


	19. News

I wake up wrapped in JJ’s arms, his soft snores filling the room. I try to shift but JJ’s grip tightens, as he shifts his head back in my direction. His mouth is slightly open, and I can feel his warm breath against my cheek, it makes me giggle lightly. I try to shift again, and this time he loosens up his grip, his snores continuing to bounce around the room. I grab my robe and head to the bathroom. Once I’m done in the bathroom, I go to the kitchen to make myself a much-needed cup of coffee. The smile on my face seems to widen as I think about last night. Everything felt so normal last night, easy and fun. Like we’d been doing it forever. The thought makes me smile to myself, warmth spreading through me. As I brew some coffee I move to my phone, which is perched on the countertop. Dee called me three times last night, and that’s when I realize she still doesn’t know, no one does. I write her a quick text saying sorry and that I was busy with work, but we’ll talk later.  
“Morning” I hear JJ’s sleepy voice. I look up from my phone, a smile on my face.  
“Morning” I reply, as he pulls me in for a quick kiss. I can’t help the giddiness that floats through me at how mundane and perfect this feels.  
“Coffee?” I ask, moving to the pot I just brewed.  
“Yes definitely, I have to go to work on three hours of sleep” He smirks, making me blush.  
“When you’re good you’re good” I smirk, making him laugh. I pour us both a cup, adding cream and sugar to both. I feel his arms wrap around me from behind, as he places a small kiss to my neck. I lean back into him, humming lightly.  
“Did you want to have dinner tonight?” He asks, his voice vibrating through me.  
“We have Pope and Ellie’s housewarming” I counter, slightly disappointed. “You mean her Redecorated housewarming” he chuckles, I nod. He pulls away grabbing his coffee off the counter.  
“I’m not excited but it’s for pope,” I say, and he nods. I notice his smile fall slightly, and his eyes bore into mine. “What?” I ask.  
“What.. what is this?” He asks, and I stare at him confused.  
“You have to ask me that?” I ask a bit taken back.  
“Okay, you’re right I know what this is” He steps closer, one of his hands moving to my hip to tug me towards him. “I guess I mean what are we telling people?” He explains, his eyes softer now.  
“You don’t want to tell people,” I ask, he shake his head, his thumb pressing into me.  
“I want to know what you want Kie because I want you to be happy” He smiles, and I nod. I push a stray curl behind my ear, leaning into him.  
“I want this, and I think we should stop hiding and just be honest” I smile, moving my hand to his cheek. “Claim each other and shit” I chuckle, my thumb brushing over his bottom lip.  
“I’d definitely like to claim you” He chuckles pulling me into a kiss. He deepens the kiss, but it’s interrupted by a phone ringing out loudly. It’s JJ’s phone, so he quickly picks it up. “Hey” he answers, his arms still around my waist. “Ya, I’m on my way” he nods, and I assume it’s John B. “Ten minutes, okay bye” he hangs up.  
“John B?” I ask, he nods.  
“I have to go, there’s an emergency that he can’t handle without me because I’m so much smarter than him” He jokes making me giggle. I lean forward pecking his lips lightly.  
“See you tonight” I smile, he nods pecking my lips again.  
“I’m gonna take this because I’m exhausted” He picks up the mug, I nod a smile on my face.  
…  
I spot Dee right away, I could tell she was waiting for me to show up.  
“What the fuck?” She follows me to my office a wide smile on her face. “Since you went AWOL I assume it went good” She exclaims excitedly. I shut the door behind her.  
“Ya, it was amazing” I cheer happily, she sighs in relief. “We’re together and happy, I mean it’s been one day but it feels good, normal” I smile sitting down, she nods.  
“I’m so happy for you guys, so details” She smirks, making me blush.  
“Well he spent the night, and we slept three hours” I laugh, she lets out a joyful squeal making me laugh harder.  
“Ahh, finally someone normal to double date with” she pulls me into a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you guys Kie” She adds  
“Thank you, for everything. It was because of you” I grin, she shrugs a blush on her cheeks.  
“So then you guys are going together tonight?” She asks  
“I think he’s working late, so I’ll meet him there,” I say remembering the text he sent me when he got to the office.  
“Ya, John B’s working late too, so we can go together” She chirps.  
“Ya” I agree, she grins.  
“Okay I’m going back to work, I’ll come over to your place after you’re off okay” she announces before rushing out. I stare after her a small laugh bubbling out of me. My phone beeps from my bag, so I pull it out.  
“John B knows,” JJ writes  
“So does Dee” I respond smiling widely.  
“That was easy enough” He types  
…  
Dee’s sipping a glass of wine while she browses slowly through my closet. I’m sitting on the bed, waiting for her to pick out an outfit for me. After a lot of pleading on Dee’s part, I finally gave in and said she could pick out what I wore tonight. I was in a good mood, and to be honest I wanted to look really good tonight. My phone beeps, and I lean over picking it up off my side table.  
“I’m headed home to get dressed, and I’ll meet you there,” JJ writes, a warm smile spreads over my face.  
“See you there” I respond, placing my phone down on the bed. Dee’s stopped looking through my closet a gleeful smile on her face.  
“What?” I ask, sipping my beer.  
“You two are so cute” She coos, and I blush. She looks back at the closet, pulling out a black slip dress I bought a couple weeks ago on a whim. “This with your black denim” She grins passing me the silk fabric. I run my finger over the material, before looking up at her skeptical.  
“You’ll look beautiful, try it on before you say no” She insists plopping down next to me. I decide she’s right, I’d have to wear it one day. I quickly change, the fabric slides over me perfectly to my delight. “Wow” She grins, I blush. “Go look” She insists. I turn slowly towards my full-length mirror, my heart beating loudly in my chest. I hadn’t dressed up in a long time, and I didn’t want to look like a complete idiot. The dress hugs every curve, dropping off just at the center of my calf. The long slit sits on my right leg. I’m pleasantly surprised at how I feel in the dress. I’d never been one to dress up but seeing myself now I don't feel awkward or stupid. I turn to the side, the back laces up and hangs low, adding an elegant touch to the simple dress. The neckline is straight, leaving some excess fabric to fold over delicately.  
“So?” Dee asks  
“I like it” I smile “It actually feels like me” I add, she claps her hands together happily.  
“I’m so glad” She cheers “Maybe leave the denim off for tonight” She advised.  
“Ya,” I agree, my voice quiet as my eyes travel over my reflection again. I quickly turn back to her, she’s smiling widely at me, almost proud.  
“Okay, my turn” She stands placing her wine-glass down on the dresser. Dee decided on an embroidered peasant dress, asking me to put her hair into two tight fresh braids. She looks beautiful. I send JJ a quick text before we both hop into my car and start to Pope’s and Ellie’s.  
…  
The house is lit up, and packed when we get there. I haven’t seen my house this packed since my mom’s island parties when I was a teenager. I use to hate those parties. After finding parking down the street, Dee and I make our way inside the luxurious house. Nothing looks familiar when I walk in. The old mahogany staircase has been taken out and replaced with a modern white marble staircase. The golden wood has been replaced with white speckled tile. The house is bright and white, looking nothing like the classic home I grew up in.  
“Woah” Dee comments, and I nod. “So she’s modern” She adds making me laugh. The house was nice if you liked spacious asymmetrical statues and marbled floors. It was almost like a museum, you could hear the click of every shoe and the echoes of voices.  
“Kie” I hear Pope’s voice, I turn away from the big family portrait of what I assume is Ellie’s family.  
“Hey” I smile as he pulls me into a tight bear hug. “This place is very cool,” I say as he gives Dee a hug.  
“I’m still getting used to all the space” He chuckles, his eyes kind of dazed.  
“You don't ever get used to all the space,” I tell him, he nods his smile dropping slightly. “But you’ve always wanted a big family, you now have the space” I chuckle, and he nods.  
“Drinks?” He asks us both, we nod.  
“The whole design was Ellie’s, she’s super into the modern space style” He explains as he leads us to the kitchen.  
“She likes white” Dee comments, her eyes traveling around aimlessly.  
“She wanted it to be monochromatic” He shrugs. He looks through some cupboards before landing on the one with the glasses.  
“Kie, I have beer in the fridge” he explains, and I smile gratefully. I open the big fridge and grab myself a beer “You want one?” I ask Pope, he nods. Some middle-aged woman with bright blonde hair taps Pope on the shoulder.  
“Beautiful house” She comments. The smile on her face looks like it might split her in half.  
“All Ellie” He responded, his tone sounding more formal than before.  
“She is the interior designer” the woman cackles loudly, Pope lets out a small chuckle in response. After the woman leaves he turns to me his face hard. “Don’t comment” He expresses, I let out a small laugh.  
“Are the boys here?” Dee asks  
“Ya, we’re all outback away from all the nice things JJ could break” Pope chuckles, Dee smiles widely. After Dee grabs her wine, we all head to the backyard. The one area of the house that looks the same as before. I spot John B first, he’s sitting down on a refurbished tree stump, his back to us.  
“Ellie agreed to let me have the backyard” Pope jokes, as he inspects my surprised face.  
“Man cave” I nod, and he smiles. My eyes land on JJ who’s smiling down at John B a beer in hand. He’s wearing a striped button-up, with dark pants. His hair is still wild, but he looks so clean. His eyes dart up to meet mine, almost like he could hear us coming. His eyes soften, and I feel heat bloom In my cheeks.  
“Took you guys long enough,” John B says, as he stands to greet Dee with a small kiss. JJ’s eyes drift down to my dress, the surprise on his face evident.  
“I haven’t seen you in a dress since high school” John B comment. I glare at him, but can’t help the smile that pops out on my face.  
“You look beautiful Kie” JJ smiles, moving towards me.  
“You’re wearing a button-up” I point out still shocked, he chuckles.  
“I clean up nice... right” He grins and it looks so much like his old flirtatious grins from High school that it makes my heart stammer.  
“You look okay” I tease, and he mocks a hurt expression.  
“You guys can kiss, we all know,” John B says, and both of us turn to the group our faces hot. “We knew before you did” He adds making JJ laugh quietly. I’m about to tell him it’s not his business when I feel JJ’s arms circle my waist pulling me flush against him. He doesn’t hesitate to capture my lips in a very feverish kiss. The kind of kiss I’d usually hate to do in public, but for some odd reason, I don’t care.  
“About time” Pope comments when we break apart.  
“Fuck off” I murmur but the smile on my face kind of ruins my glare. We all sit down, as Pope and JJ start discussing Pope’s plan to make a kind fo gazebo, or at least hire someone.  
“I can do it” JJ nods, his arm still wrapped tightly around my waist. I take a small sip of my beer my eyes darting between the pair. “That’d save me some research” Pope nods “But you can actually do it right?” He asks, making John B let out a light chuckle.  
“I redid my house” JJ states sounding slightly outraged, but it’s laced with humor.  
“Sure then, that would be great” Pope smiles, JJ nods.  
“Pope” Ellie’s voice suddenly booms around us, we all turn to the small woman making her way towards us. “Where have you been?” She asks, her tone on the verge of panic. JJ’s fingers run lightly over the skin exposed from the slit in my dress. I lean further into him, warmth rippling over me.  
“Here” Pope comments, his tone confused.  
“Someone stained the new carpet and..” She now seems on the verge of tears. Her eyes move over all of us, the glossy eyes quickly turning hard and unapproachable.  
“Can you come help please” She says, her tone higher than usual. Pope stands and nod.  
“Sorry I have to steal him” She looks at us, her eyes stopping on me. “Love the dress” she smiles  
“Thanks” I grin back. We watch as the couple walks back to the crowded house.  
“You think she’s always like that?” John B asks once they’re out of earshot.  
“Like what?” I ask  
“So unapproachable” He answers before sipping his drink. I look back at the house, like I’d be able to see her.  
“Pope says she’s different when they’re alone” JJ offers, his tone light.  
“She just seems kind of cold” John B explains further.  
“I think she’s just used to these things, and we’re a very hard group to infiltrate” I excuse, John B shrugs.  
“If she’d talk about anything other than patterns and designs,” Dee says, and I giggle.  
“Maybe we should take her out, just us Dee” I suggest, she scrunches her eyebrows together but nods nonetheless. Pope pops his head out of the back door, and we all turn.  
“Dinner” He calls, and that’s our cue to go inside. The table is long accommodating every guess. We decide to sit in the back, despite it being far away form Pope and Ellie. I sit beside JJ and across from Dee, no one to my left. Light chatter erupts over the table, people laughing and story-telling. I notice Ellie engaged in a lively conversation with that middle-aged woman from earlier. Pope leaning in every so often to nod and smile. I also notice Ellie’s small hand shift, grabbing Pope’s larger one. She gives him an encouraging soft smile, a look I haven’t seen her use since I’ve known her. It makes the conversation from earlier stick inside my head. Maybe we were just being difficult, and a girls day would be good. I feel JJ’s hand on my thigh, squeezed ever so lightly.  
“You okay?” He whispers, his breath fanning against my ear.  
“Ya, just thinking about Ellie” I explain, he looks quizzical. “I feel bad” I add.  
“You shouldn’t, you’re probably the only one giving her a chance” He laughs, his eyes gentle.  
“Well we all should, for Pope at least” I respond, he nods licking his lips lightly. One of my curls pops out of my bun, falling into my face. I’m about to push it away when JJ reaches up, tucking it behind my ear. He turns back starting a simple conversation with John B. That simple act made my heart churn in my chest, and my face flush. The fact that we can now do that or anything really just feels so refreshing. The giddiness inside of me halts when I see her. Sarah Cameron is here walking towards Ellie with a wide energetic smile. Ellie stands excitedly wrapping Sarah up in a tight hug. I turn back to John B who’s oblivious to the new guest, but Dee isn’t her face is frozen, half shock have irritation. John B chuckles turning to Dee to involve her in the joke when he notices her look of disdain. He follows her gaze, confused and his eyes land on Sarah. Sarah who’s now staring back at us wide-eyed. Pope looks just as shocked as us, his eyes moving to mine and JJ’s.  
“Dee, I..” John B starts, and Dee’s eyes move back to his. “I’m sorry” He relents, his face gentle. She moves her gaze back to her plate, and shrugs.  
“It’s fine” She smiles at me now, but it looks awkward and forced. Sarah sits down at the only empty seat, her eyes darting back to mine.  
“Guess who’s planning on quitting Kie” Dee blurts dragging my gaze back to her.  
“Who?” I ask, understanding her need to change the subject.  
“Kelsey” She smiles, and I arch my eyebrows “She’s planning on moving to LA to become an actress” She divulged, I nod.  
“Well she hasn’t put in her two weeks yet” I comment  
“She probably won’t, once a year she says this but never ends up leaving,” she said with a controlled smile.  
“Well I’m hoping she does finally do it” I laugh, she nods looking back down at her Half-eaten plate. I give JJ a panicked look, he nods, turning back to John B who’s also staring at his plate. The rest of the dinner is made up of me trying to start a conversation only for it to dye out. The tension was palpable and Dee refused to look at John B, who never took his eyes her. Dee makes up some excuse that she's feeling sick after dinner, apologizing profusely to Ellie and Pope. They leave together but She stands a couple feet away from him at all times.  
“I didn’t know” Pope finds us after they leave. He looks upset and freaked out.  
“We know” I assure him, he sighs running a hand over his stubbly chin.  
“What do we do?” He asks, turning to JJ.  
“Honestly I think we can’t do anything,” JJ says shocking both Pope and I. “John B needs to figure it out, he needs to finally put her behind him” He explains, his eyes glued to mine.  
“What if he chooses Sarah again?” Pope asks sounding kind of frightened.  
“He won’t” I assure, even with the small spark of doubt inside of me. “I feel terrible for Dee,” I say, and they both nod.  
“She was mad right?” Pope asks  
“I think she was sad and scared” I explain  
“Scared?”  
“That maybe he will leave her again” I clarify hating how terrible it sounds.  
“He’d be a fucking dumb-ass if he did,” JJ says we all nod.  
“Pope” Ellie appears, next to her Sarah.  
“You all have to meet Sarah” Ellie smiles widely at us, and we all go silent.  
“We know each other” Sarah replies sadly. “Not anymore,” I remark, my voice stiff. Ellie looks between us her bright smile dimming.  
“Kie” Sarah whines, her eyes pleading. “Please” She adds  
“What could you possibly have to explain to me?” I ask, my voice low.  
“I need to talk to John B,” She says and I laugh bitterly.  
“He doesn’t want to talk to you” I spit out defensively.  
“He will when you guys tell him he has a son” She blurts, and my blood runs cold.


	20. Sam

John B has a son, with Sarah Cameron. The shock of it still hasn’t worn off, even with a good night’s sleep. The words keep echoing loudly in my head, urging me to call John B and tell him. We are going to tell him, well JJ will at work. He’s probably telling him now as we speak. The thought sends a weird pang over my body. Sarah ran out of the house as soon as the words left her mouth. Ellie asked Pope what was going on but none of us could answer her, too shocked. I run my fingers through my curls sighing lightly. The steam from my coffee billows up, swirling around me. Dee is working, and I don’t know If I could face her. We decided to tell John B, So he had the chance to tell Dee, but it’s hard. I stretch my fingers over the warm mug, moving it to my lips. That's why today I’m taking the day off, knowing I’d tell her as soon as I saw her. I grab my phone, but no new notifications. JJ said he’d test me after he told him, so now I’m anxiously waiting. I tried to imagine a little John B running around, but it leaves me with a weird feeling. My phone beeps, and I freeze. I pick it up slowly, my heart beating loudly in my chest. Dee wrote to me, and the panic rises, maybe Sarah beat us to it.  
“Where are you?” She writes, and I breathe a sigh of relief.  
“Feeling a bit sick, thought I’d stay home and look over our food shipment,” I write back, guilt seeping through me.  
“Oh, you want me to bring you some soup after work?” She asks, and I sigh loudly to myself. Why did this have to happen, I can’t imagine how Dee’s gonna feel.  
“No, that’s okay! Thank you so much though” I respond  
“Ya you probably have JJ coming to play nurse ;)” I smile at her reply.  
“You know It” I put my phone down, feeling the guilt grow inside of me. I couldn’t wait here, I had to go to talk to John B. I grab my keys and rush to my car. I go back and forth the whole ride, but I can’t just wait for JJ to tell him. Both of their cars in the lot when I drive in, and my anxiety skyrockets. I shift in my seat, debating on whether I should go back to my house and wait for JJ’s text. My phone beeps again as if on cue, and I quickly dig It out of my bag.  
“I need your help,” JJ writes, I smile down at my phone. I shove a stray curl behind my ear before I reply.  
“I’m here” I respond, as I hop out of the car. The bell chimes, announcing my presence. John B is already at the counter, he looks up when he hears the chime.  
“Kie?” He looks confused.  
“Hey” I smile. JJ emerges from the back room, his eyes wide. John B looks between us, and he lets out a soft chuckle.  
“I get it” He laughs, placing a folder he was holding down on the counter.  
“Get what?” I ask, he moves away from the counter still chuckling.  
“I’ll leave you two alone” He explains, and I shake my head.  
“We need to talk to you” I blurt, my voice higher than usual. He stops in his tracks, his eyebrows knit together in confusion.  
“About?” He asks, noticing the anxious look on my face. I meet JJ’s eyes, and he gives me a small encouraging nod.  
“After you and Dee left, Sarah..” I pause, his eyes wide with concern. “Sarah told us something, she said that..” I can’t seem to say the words, it’s like I’m changing his entire world.  
“You have a son” JJ interjects, and John B turns towards him quickly.  
“What?” He asks, his voice cracking slightly.  
“Sarah said you have a son” JJ’s voice is soft, but firm like he’s explaining something to a child.  
“How is that possible I haven’t seen her in three years?” He huffs out a wobbly laugh. “She’s lying” He adds quickly, turning back to me.  
“Well we don't know, but you need to talk to her” I step closer to him, and he runs a hand through his messy hair. He’s staring down at the ground, his long hair falling around him like a curtain. I grab his hand giving it a small squeeze of reassurance.  
“Dee” He murmurs quietly, and my heart squeezes in my chest. “What’s Dee gonna say?” He looks up, his eyes panicked.  
“I don't know,” I tell him honestly.  
“Do I confirm it before I tell her?” He looks between JJ and me.  
“I think you should tell her right away, she’ll want to know” JJ answers, his eyes on mine.  
“This doesn’t have to change anything John B, you and Dee can still be together, you just need to be honest with her,” I tell him, noticing the fear in his eyes.  
“Of course it’s gonna change things Kie, I have a fucking Kid, a three-year-old that I never knew existed and how can I expect Dee to understand that, or even be there for him like I have to be? I left her to be with Sarah, and then came crawling back after she left me” His voice is loud and echoing off the walls.  
“Dee loves you” I state, and he shakes his head, his eyes glossy.  
“She doesn’t deserve this” He whispers to himself. He rushes to the back room while JJ and I are left staring after him confused.  
“I’m going to talk to Sarah” he exclaims walking back out with his car keys in hand.  
“Do you want us to come?” JJ starts walking with him, he shakes his head, the bell chiming loudly as the door opens.  
“I need to see him” he explains halfway in the car. We watch him rush out of the lot, tire marks left in his wake.  
…  
I’m snuggled into JJ’s arms staring up at my ceiling fan. It’s dark and I can only see the shadow of the blades as they spin around and around. It’s well past midnight and I’m not even close to sleep, my brain is moving too fast. Thought of John B and Dee plague me. We haven’t heard anything from either of them all night, and we have no idea how things went when John B went to talk to Sarah. We talked to Pope earlier, but he and Ellie are out of town for some wine tasting thing with her family and he doesn’t know anything either. I feel JJ’s arms pull me tighter into his side, and I know he’s awake too. I tilt my head so it rests on his chest, my hair falling over my face. His arm moves to clutch my hip lightly, encircling me. He shifts so that his lips touch the top of my head. He presses a gentle kiss to my head before letting out a soft sigh.  
“Can’t sleep?” I whisper, my voice low.  
“No, you?” He replies. I shift so I’m looking up at his shadowy face.  
“No, I’m too worried about John B and Dee” I explain, he moves the curl that’s covering my face, his thumb moving down my cheek.  
“We’re so use to knowing everything” He chuckles, and it vibrates through me.  
“Ya, it sucks being out of the loop” I huff, marking him chuckle again. I let my fingers trace small patterns on his hard chest, my fingers dipping into the diets of his abs. “You think she’ll leave him?” I ask. He doesn’t answer right away, he just continues running his hand up and down my arm.  
“I don’t know?” He finally answers, and I nod even though he can’t see. “What would you do?” He asks.  
“Is the scenario the same, did you leave me for her?” I clarify  
“That would change things?” He asks  
“Ya,” I continue my path up and down his chest. “If you left me for her, I don’t know. It’s not an easy thing to accept” I explain “But if it was us now, and you got someone pregnant three years ago… I’d stay” I explain, my voice quiet.  
“You’d take care of my baby with another woman?” He asks, I look up at him again, and I can see the bewilderment on his face.  
“Well I’m assuming you didn't love her or if you did, you love me more” I state, his face softens.  
“I can guarantee I love you more because I’ve only ever loved you Kie” He smiles, and I blush.  
“Then of course I’d help raise your baby, anything half yours I’d love” I smile. He leans down capturing my lips with his in a bruising kiss. I run my hand up his chest to his face, bringing him closer to me. He shifts and pulls me on top of him in one swift movement. Then I’m peeling off my sleep shirt and re-capturing his lips. His hands travel up my naked torso, leaving goosebumps across my skin. His lips travel to my neck as I arch into him letting my hands explore his soft skin. He sucks lightly on my neck and I let out a soft moan in repose, rocking into him. I drag his lips back to mine in a sloppy kiss, as he flips us so that he’s hovering over me. Just as things start to get hotter, the doorbell rings out loudly. We both freeze, our rapid hearts beating in sync.  
“Who could that be?” I ask pushing away from him to grab my sleep shirt.  
“Maybe John B?” He says and I nod rushing to the front door. I open the door just as the doorbell rings again. Dee’s standing there, a big duffel bag in hand and tears running down her face.  
“Can I stay over?” She sniffles, and I nod moving over so she can step inside. She drops her bag and quickly wipes under her eyes as JJ steps into view.  
“Sorry did I interrupt?” She turns to me, her hair swinging wildly around her.  
“No, we were just asleep” I lie, and she nods.  
“Sorry” She mumbles, her lip quivering. I shake my head and pull her into a tight hug.  
“You know right?” She asks  
“I do” I nod as she tucks her head into my neck sobbing silently. JJ catches my eyes and points back to the room, I nod. I lead Dee to the couch as she sucks in shaky breath after shaky breath.  
“I’m so sorry Dee,” I say taking her hand in mine. Her hands are freezing, and I can feel her shaking slightly.  
“I dont.. I don't know what to do” She hiccups, turning to me with bleary eyes. “He looks like him, like so much like him Kie” She’s crying again, fat tears roll down her cheeks.  
“You met him?” I ask, she nods.  
“He’s cute, and he’s a sweet kid but..” She looks away, letting out a small sob. “He looks like her too, he has her small nose, and full lips” Her voice suddenly goes calm, like all the tears have left her. “He’s theirs, and I’m here begging him to marry me” She explains, her eyes glued to the coffee table.  
“He wants to marry you,” I say and she lets out a small watery laugh.  
“He doesn’t, he’ll choose her, he always chooses her” She quips, and the sentence breaks my heart. “And now that they have something together she has him forever” She nods wiping under her nose with her sleeve.  
“You really think he wants her now?” I ask, she turns to me and I can see the truth in them, the hurt and the pain.  
“I can’t do it again. I can’t keep choosing him only for him to leave me.” She sounded broken “I deserve better, and saying no now is.. it’ll be easier for me” She nods like she’s convincing her self.  
“I’m so sorry Dee” She nods, and shrugs, her head falling onto my shoulder.  
“Thank you Kie” She yawns, and I lean my head on hers.  
“What are best friends for” I smile, and she chuckles. We end up watching Bridesmaids, her choice, and drinking whatever alcohol I have in the house.  
…  
I knock for what might be the second time, on the Chateau door. I can hear footsteps rushing to the door, and the door swings open quickly. John B’s face falls when he sees it’s me, which I assumed. He looks terrible, his hair is wild, and he looks like he’s been crying.  
“Kie,” He says, running his fingers through his hair to tame it.  
“Hey, can we talk?” I ask, he nods opening the door wider to let me in. I notice a smashed vase in the corner, and I try not to roll my eyes at the cliche show of masculinity.  
“So you’re obviously feeling terrible” I point around the messy house.  
“Kie, I’m not in the mood” he drops to the couch, picking up a beer bottle from the table.  
“look, you need to stop all this self-deprecating bullshit” I state, and he rolls his eyes. “You have things to figure out and sitting on your ass isn’t going to help” I add  
“I don't know what to fucking do Kie, and sitting on my ass is me trying to catch up” He yells back.  
“You’re an idiot, you have to decide for once in your life John B you have to decide what the fuck you want” I exclaim stepping closer to him. “If you want Dee, fucking fight for her because she’s fought for you!” I huff out, and he looks frozen, like a deer in headlights. “But If you’re confused or you still want Sarah, let her go because she deserves better than that” I finish, my voice strong.  
“I don’t want Sarah” He responds  
“So then show that to Dee” I state  
“She doesn’t want to do this” He looks down at the beer in his hand.  
“She doesn’t want you to leave her again, she’s scared and you have to prove to her that you love her, not Sarah” I explain  
“And what about Sam?” He asks, his eyes glossy.  
“She’ll be there for Sam you know she will, but you have to figure all of it out first for Sam, and Dee,” I tell him, he nods shifting up so that his elbows rest on his knees.  
“I’m scared Kie” He sighs. “I’m scared that I fucked it up with Dee and I’m scared to suddenly be a father” he explains. I move to sit beside him, placing my hand on his back.  
“It’s scary, but you’re smarter than you think,” I tell him, he sighs turning to me. “Plus you have the Pogues to help you. Trust me I’m gonna be a cool aunt” I push him lightly with my shoulder. He chuckles and pulls me in for a hug. “You need to shower” I shove him, making him laugh harder. He stands, and I follow.  
“Thank you” he emphasized, and I nod smiling.  
…  
It’s been three weeks since John B found out he was a dad. Three weeks since Dee moved into my spare room. Three weeks since JJ and I figured our shit out, mostly. I start unpacking the groceries I just bought, just as Dee rushes out of her room, paint covering her overalls. “Hey” She sounds enthusiastic.  
“Hey” I smile placing the bread in the bread box.  
“So I was wondering if I could have some friends over, we’re all working on a project together” She leans forward, her elbows on the countertop.  
“Sure, ya of course,” I say, and her smile widens. Dee has hardly left her room since the breakup, so this is definitely new.  
“I just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t mind the noise” She laughs grabbing an apple from the bowl.  
“I’m probably gonna be out,” I say, she nods.  
“Date with JJ?” She winks, I chuckle.  
“No, just hanging out with everyone” I stammer turning to the fridge. I still didn't want to bring John B up, and I definitely didn’t want to bring up the fact that I was meeting Sam for the first time tonight.  
“You can say his name, kie,” She says, and I nod.  
“I know” I smile, she bites into her apple. She runs her finger through her newly cut hair, and I can tell she’s still iffy about it. She cut it two days ago, on a whim. Said she needed a change, and trust me I know the feeling. Now it just barely touches her shoulders, which actually really suits her. She has it up in a half up half down bun thing, with a paintbrush stuck through the bun. “How is he?” She asks, her voice timid. I shrug leaning back against the counter. “I guess I shouldn’t care,” She says before I say anything.  
“It’s okay to care, Dee,” I say, and she huffs.  
“Not in this case” She laughs bitterly  
“He misses you” I blurt, and I can see the curiosity in her eyes.  
“I don’t know if I believe you” She replies stiffly, and I sigh. “He doesn’t want to be with Sarah” I add, and she sighs  
“Kie” She warns quietly.  
“I’m sorry, I just want you to know that,” I tell her quickly, she nods.  
“I should get back to work” She points back to the room, I nod. She shuts the door lightly behind herself. I finish putting the groceries away before I head to my room to change out of my sweaty work clothes. When I finish changing I say a quick goodbye to Dee and head out to meet the Pogues at the Chateau.  
…  
“He should be here soon,” John B says to all of us sitting on the couch. He seems extra nervous which is weird considering he’s been spending every day with him, and on weekends he stays here. I think he might be nervous for us to meet him, or maybe for Sam to meet us. I give JJ a look, he nods smiling. A soft knock sounds at the door, and John B rushes forward, running a hand through his hair before he opens the door. I see Sarah’s blonde hair, but I can see Sam.  
“Hey” John B smiles, his tone more vibrant than usual.  
“I need to pee” A small voice echos, which I assume is Sam. Then John B’s picking the small boy up, and rushing him to the bathroom. I turn back to Sarah, who’s smiling at the door. She steps in, a backpack in hand.  
“Hey” She waves shutting the door behind her.  
“Hey’ We echo, and she places the backpack down by the door.  
“He’s excited to meet the infamous Pogues” She smiles, and a pang hits my chest.  
“We’re excited to meet him too,” Pope says, and I’m glad he’s answering her because I don't know if I can. John B rushes back out, a wide smile on his face.  
“False alarm” He explains to Sarah, she nods the wide smile back on her face. That's when I spot Sam, he moves to John B’s leg, clinging to it. John B reaches down placing his hand on top of Sam’s sandy brown hair.  
“Pogues” The small boy asks, his voice tiny. I stand quickly, smiling down at the boy.  
“Kiara, but you can call me Kie” I bend down to his height and extend my hand. He looks at my outstretched hand, and I almost pull it back but then he beams and grabs my hand shaking it vigorously.  
“Sam” He introduces and I grin. JJ’s beside me, and Sam turns the smile only widening.  
“The surfer right?” The small boy asks, and JJ chuckles lightly.  
“Former Surfer, but ya” JJ explains, and Sam giggles the sound echoing around us. He was adorable, and Dee was right he was John B’s mini-me, with some of Sarah’s softer features mixed in.  
“So you must be the smarty pants” Sam turns to Pope, who’s still standing tall beside us.  
“In some circles yes” Pope nods an amused smile on his face.  
“Cool,” Sam laughs, making me laugh along.  
“Wanna see my boat?” He asks us  
“Definitely” JJ answers quickly standing, I follow. Sam runs to Sarah, who points at the backpack beside her. He rummages through his backpack that’s twice his size, and pulls out a toy boat.  
“Cool, you want to see if it can float?” JJ asks, Sam nods, and JJ holds out his hand. The small body runs forward, taking JJ’s hand casually.  
“Sam, say goodbye to mommy first,” Sarah says, and Sam turns a bright smile on his face.  
“See you Monday ma” He waves, and she laughs lightly.  
“No kiss?” She asks, and the little boy looks up at JJ like he might disappear if he lets go of his hand.  
“Go ahead I’ll wait” JJ smiles down at him. Sam rushes to Sarah who bends down and pulls him into a tight hug. It’s weird seeing her like this, so maternal. She places her hands on both of his cheeks kissing his forehead lightly.  
“Love you lots Sammy,” She says  
“Love you lots Mommy” he responds, and the sentiment sends another weird pang over me. Sam rushes back to JJ grabbing his hand.  
“Watch him on the dock JJ” John B orders, a worried look on his face.  
“So that means no to rocket launching him off the dock?” JJ responds, and Sam laughs loudly.  
“Funny” John B quips  
“I know” JJ nods already walking out the back door.  
“Lifejacket” John B calls after them. He turns back to Sarah, who has a very soft look on her face.  
“I’ll drop him off at your parents' place on Monday morning,” John B says, and she nods.  
“Okay, well, take care of my boy and send lots of pictures” She places her hand on his shoulder, and he nods. She smiles brightly at him before she heads out the front door. John B shuts the door behind her, and turns to me.  
“How’s Dee?” He asks, and I now notice Pope followed the boys outback.  
“Fine,” I say  
“Fine?” He asks  
“She’s fine, doing lots of art” I explain, he nods.  
“I’m gonna talk to her” He blurts. “I have things figured out with Sarah and Sam, now I want to fix it with her” He adds  
“You sure you have things figured out with Sarah?” I ask, and he gives me a hard look.  
“She’s Sam’s mother that’s it, and Dee, she’s my future” He affirms.  
“Okay,” I smile. We head to the backyard where the boys are playing. JJ’s on his knees holding Sam around the waist as he leans to place his boat into the water. The sight makes a warm feeling erupt inside of me.  
“Room for one more” I call rushing forward, Sam and JJ both turn.  
“Kie, it’s floating” Sam calls back, and my smile widens.


	21. Sorry

“Vanilla or chocolate?” I point to the menu hanging on the wall. Sam places his finger to his chin letting out a soft sigh. I can’t help the smile that grows on my face. He turns to me, his eyes bright, and excited.  
“Chocolate, with sprinkles” He jumps up.  
“Deal” I nod, he reaches up to grab my hand as we move up in the line.  
“What are you getting?” Sam asked, his words rushed together.  
“I think birthday cake” I answer, he gives me an impressed look which makes me laugh quietly.  
“That’s interesting” He quips, and I’m shocked at his vocabulary. I’ve recently learned that Sam has a very big vocabulary for a three, almost-four-year-old. His words sometimes come out jumbled but he understands a lot more than most kids at that age.  
“Is it?” I ask, he nods, squeezing my hand. I also find myself having conversations with him, intriguing ones. He’s a great listener.  
“I don’t know anyone who likes birf-day cake flavor” he muses gently, I nod.  
“Aunt Kie’s special” I explain, he nods in agreement. We get to the counter, and he’s bouncing with excitement. I order and we continue down the line to the register.  
“Are you helping Dad with my Birf-day party?” He asks once we sit down at one of the tables. He takes his small spoon, and digs in, lifting a heap of ice cream.  
“I think uncle JJ is” I answer, he smiles, the chocolate already coating his lips. “by the way what do you want?” I ask, needing to get him a present. He scoops more ice cream into his mouth before he answers.  
“I like boaths” He mumbles mouth full. “Battleships” He adds, and I nod.  
“Battleship it is bud” I smile, he gives me a toothy grin back.  
“Can I athk you a question?” He drops his spoon in his ice cream, looking up at me.  
“Sure” I nod  
“Are you my dad’s girlfriend?” He asks, his eyes wide and curious. I cough, ice cream dribbling out of my mouth. I quickly grab a napkin and wipe it.  
“No, why would you ask that?” I ask, he shrugs  
“Mama’s not his girlfriend, and I know he has one” He states simply, again I’m shocked at how much he actually knows.  
“Why do you know he has one?” I ask intrigued, he licks his spoon before answering.  
“I heard him talking about someone he loved” He answers back nonchalantly  
“What was he saying?” I ask  
“Just that he misses her, why doesn’t he just go thee her?” He exclaims, his eyebrows knitting together, adorably.  
“Grownups are complicated” I disclosed, he nods.  
“Complicated” He repeats, and I smile. “Do you know who thee is?” He asks  
“That’s something you should ask your dad” I point my spoon at him, he giggles, and nods.  
“Now enough about your boring dad, tell me the theme of your party” I lean forward, excitedly  
“What’s a theme?” He asks  
“Um, a theme is like, well I’ll give you examples. A carnival theme or a paw patrol theme” I explain, he nods.  
“I’m doing nautical” He smiles, and my eyes widen  
“You know what nautical means” I laugh, he nods vigorously.  
“Uncle JJ taught it to me,” he says, his mouth full.  
“Of course he did” I laugh  
“Can I athsk you another question?” He smiles, I nod my mouth full. “Is JJ a captain because I saw him driving a bat, and only captains drive boats” He whispers like it’s some secret. I hold in a laugh, and keep my face straight.  
“Can you keep a secret?” I ask, he nods his eyes wide. “ He’s a secret captain” I whisper, his eyes widen even more. “I knew it” He cheers, making me chuckle. “He looks like a captain” He smiles, I nod in agreement.  
…  
I hop into the shower, as JJ brushes his teeth, his hair still wet from his shower.  
“We have to leave in fifteen minutes” JJ comment mouth full of toothpaste.  
“I’ll be done, I’m just washing my body,” I remark, the hot water, bursting over me. He’s turned around, his body against the counter, and his toothbrush hanging from his lips.  
“You could have shared one with me” He states, and I can hear the heat in his voice. “That definitely would have made us late” I yell over the loud water. I grab my body wash and loofa, lathering the soap all over me.  
“Well this isn’t helping” He sighs, and I let out an echoey laugh.  
“You're free to go” I smile, he shakes his head, his eyes roaming over me. It was weird how naturally everything came with us, we were basically living together, and it didn't feel overwhelming. The whole domestication of it all really made me giddy and excited.  
“Hey, I was thinking, we could have Sam here one night,” JJ says, I move under the water, keeping my head craned away.  
“For a sleepover?” I ask  
“Ya,” I turn letting the water since my back before I shut the water off and JJ hands me my towel.  
“Sure, I mean why not” I smile leaning up to peck his lips. “Is there any particular reason?” I ask moving over to grab my shea butter.  
“No, besides the fact that I’m his best friend, and I guess maybe I want Dee to see him” he stammers, and I turn confused.  
“You don’t think that’ll bother her?” I ask  
“I want her to see that Sam isn’t standing in the way, and maybe it’ll give John B an excuse to talk to her” He shrugs. A small smile grows on my lips.  
“You want us to set up Dee and John B?” I laugh, he sighs but nods. “Genius” I nod, and his jaw drops slightly.  
“You think it’ll work?” He asks, clearing unsure about the idea. I lather the shea butter on my legs.  
“Ya, but we need to tell John B because he’s still trying to give her space which she’s taking as he doesn’t want her anymore” I explain.  
“How have we become the most stable relationship,” JJ remarks, and I shrug.  
“We’ve done out time babe” I tap his shoulder before I head to the bedroom to get ready for the birthday party.  
…  
The party is filled with small kids running wildly around the entire house, and parents chasing after them. Sam has a lot of friends, or I guess I should say Sarah knows a lot of people. JJ places the gift down on the table before we make our way over to John B, who’s chatting quietly with Sarah.  
“Hey,” He says once he sees us, pulling me into a short hug. Sarah’s eyes linger on me.  
“Wheres the birthday boy?” I ask John B points to the backyard where a group of kids are chasing each other.  
“How does a kid have this many friends?” JJ laughs, his arm snaking around my waist, Sarah looks between us.  
“They're all from his preschool thing, we invited the whole class” Sarah answers. I turn back to Sam, who rushes off in the opposite direction, towards the big weeping willow. He places his hand on the tree, a wide smile on his face, it warms my heart. I can see his lips moving, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. It looks like he’s talking to the tree itself.  
“Kie” John B’s voice breaks through, I spring back.  
“What?” I ask,  
“You want a drink?” He asks, I shake my head.  
“I’m gonna go wish Sam a happy birthday” I smile, rushing out to the backyard.  
“You’re a big tree” Sam comments, as I get closer to him. He runs his hand down the bark, like he’s petting the tree.  
“Sam” I call, he turns, a wide smile breaking onto his face.  
“Aunty Kie” He rushes to me, gripping my legs in a tight hug. I bend down and pull him into a proper hug.  
“Happy birthday” I stand and spin us both, he giggles loudly.  
“I’m glad you’re here, you can meet David” he exclaims excitedly.  
“David?” I ask, he nods and I put him down. He rushes back to the tree, his smile growing wider by the second.  
“This is David” He opens his arms in a tada motion.  
“Well, I don’t believe we’ve been introduced” I place my hand flat onto the tree, smiling up at the branches. “I’m Kie, Sam’s aunt” I add, and Sam nods vigorously. “Did you name him David?” I ask.  
“No thilly he told me his name” He laughs, I smile.  
“Well David is very beautiful” I express, and Sam nods looking up at the green weeping leaves, with bright eyes. I move to sit down against David the tree, Sam burrows next to me. “Are you liking your party?” I ask, running my fingers through his soft hair, he shrugs. “What’s up, little man?” I nudge him with my shoulder, he lets out a soft sigh.  
“I think I’m a bit odd” He explains  
“What, why would you say that?” I asked, anger creeping through me at the thought of someone calling him odd, or weird.  
“No one talks to trees like me, and no one believes they talk” He looks up at me with wide eyes, a frown prominent on his face.  
“Want to know what I think?” I ask, shifting slightly so he’s on my lap.  
“Of course” He quips, and my heart soars.  
“I think odd is cool, I’m odd, your uncle JJ’s odd and your dad” I whisper, his eyes widen. “Odd gives you character, and trust me one day you’re going to find someone who talks to trees, or believes that you can” I caress his cheek gently, and he nuzzles into me.  
“If you’re odd, I’m glad I am too” He replies, and I pull him tighter to me.  
“Excuse I heard there was a birthday boy out here?” JJ’s voice booms around us. Sam burrows under me, hiding.  
“No birthday boy here” I state, and JJ’s eyes fill with amusement.  
“I could have sworn I saw him” JJ huffs, and I shake my head.  
“Maybe you need glasses because Sam is definitely not here” I wrap him up in my arms, and he squeals with delight.  
“Okay” JJ mocks sadness as he plops down beside me. “I guess I’ll have to eat cake with someone else” He adds. A small laugh escapes my lips as Sam bursts out a wide toothy grin on his face.  
“I’m here uncle JJ” He exclaims happily, JJ fakes surprise before he scoops him up and begins tickling him. “It’s me” the laugh bubbles out of him.  
“I don’t believe you” JJ responded, continuing to tickle him.  
“It’s me, it’s me” Sam cried out, his eyes glossy from laughing so hard, finally JJ stops.  
“It is you” He sighs, and Sam nods trying to catch his breath.  
“Well happy birthday bud” JJ pulls him into a tight hug, and Sam lets out a squeal.  
“Can we go eat cake now?” Sam asks, his eyebrows raised in question, JJ nods, standing up.  
“Coming Kie?” JJ asks  
“Ya, you coming Kie?” Sam copies, making me smile widely at the pair.  
“Of course, don’t you know I’m the cake monster” I exclaim, and Sam giggles happily.  
…  
Sam’s passed out on JJ, as John B and Sarah lead the last couple of people out to their cars, thanking them profusely. I run my fingers through Sam’s hair, and he lets out a small snore. His cheek is pressed against JJ’s chest, and I can see the small puddle of drool forming on his shirt. I look up at him, and he’s staring back a soft smile on his face.  
“What?” I ask, my cheeks flushing.  
“What I can’t stare at my girlfriend?” He asks. The word is still so new, it makes a bubble of excitement pop inside of me.  
“Not unless you want me to smack you,” I say, and he chuckles lowly, which makes Sam shift slightly and sigh. John B and Sarah walk back in, their eyes immediately moving towards us.  
“I’ll take him to his room,” John B says, but JJ shakes his head.  
“I got him” JJ stands, keeping Sam steady in his arms. I shift and place the pillow that fell over my lap. I watch with a smile as JJ carefully walks to Sam's room.  
“I’m gonna make sure he’s got it” John B follows quickly. Leaving Sarah and I alone for the first time since finding out about Sam. I move my gaze to the floor, tracing the pattern of the hardwood.  
“He’s still a perfectionist” Sarah quips, and I turn to face her. She’s standing awkwardly by the door, her eyes on me.  
“Some things never change” I respond, my voice hard, she sighs.  
“Kie, can we talk?” She asks, her tone wobbly.  
“Isn't that what we’re doing?” I ask, she makes her way over, and sits down beside me.  
“About everything” She explains, and I try not to roll my eyes. “I can see how much you care for Sam, and I want us to be able to at least be civil” She continues, her tone unsure.  
“Okay Sarah, explain what you want to explain” I lean back into the couch, and she lets out a long breath.  
“I have no excuse for keeping John B out of Sam’s life except that I was scared and a coward. I know it was shitty and selfish, and I know I can’t do anything to change it now, but I can admit to it and change.” She starts, her eyes darting away from me towards the hallway. “I won’t ever do anything like that again, and I won’t leave again not John B or my baby ever. I love them both too much to do that” a tear falls and she quickly brushes it away. “I’m sorry I disappointed you and I’m sorry I never called or wrote” She turns back to me, her eyes locked with mine. “I’m sorry Kie, so so so sorry, I love you and I want out friendship back and I absolutely love how much my son loves you” Tears start falling down her cheeks. “Anyway” She sucks in a breath and wipes her face. “I’m sorry about everything” She finishes, her fingers brushing her eyelashes up. She sounded sincere, but hadn’t she sounded sincere so many times before.  
“I love Sam and I love John B so I’ll try for the” I reply, keeping my eyes on the pillow in my lap.  
“Thank you” she sniffles, I nod. I felt guilty, thinking about Dee at home on the couch. I stand, and run a hand through my curls, moving to the front door.  
“tell JJ I’ll meet him in the car,” I say before I rush out, my heart pounding.  
…  
The drive home is quiet, I can’t help the guilt that swarms through me, mixed with complete confusion. Was I suppose to forgive her, had she really done enough to me that I couldn’t?! Most of my anger towards her comes from what she did to John B and Dee if I’m being honest. I felt a headache coming on, so I shut my eyes.  
“You okay?” JJ asks, his tone soft but urging.  
“Ya, just confused” I admit, leaning my head against the cold window.  
“You don’t have to feel guilty if you want to forgive her Kie” He explains. Of course, he knows exactly what I’m confused about.  
“I don’t know if I should” I respond. I open my eyes and move my gaze to JJ, who’s staring straight ahead.  
“Maybe give it some time” he suggests, his hand darting out to squeeze my thigh gently.  
“Ya” I agree  
“But don’t feel guilty for it Kie” He adds quickly, making me roll my eyes and laugh lightly.  
“Fuck you” I murmur, and he laughs.  
“You know I’m right” He quips, taking my hand and placing a kiss to my knuckles.  
“You’re still annoying” I exclaim, he grins.  
…  
It happens in slow motion, the teetering tray, and the distracted gaze. Dee spins quickly, and every item off her tray comes tumbling down, in a loud mess of glass and metal. Her jaw is dropped as her eyes scan the room before she drops and starts picking up the broken pieces of glass. I rush over, bending down to help clean the mess.  
“It’s okay” She sniffles, and I know it’s not about the broken glass.  
“Dee” I prod gently, she looks up, her eyes glossy.  
“I’m okay,” She says, I nod  
“Go to my office I’ll be there in five minutes” I instruct, she looks like she’s about to shake her head, but then she stands and smiles down at me. Danny passes me a broom and I quickly sweep up the glass and cutlery, tossing it into the waste bin. Dee’s head is in her hands, and I can make out small sniffles when I walk into my office. I shut the door, and she looks up, tears falling down her flushed cheeks. She pushes her short hair back and wipes under her eyes.  
“I’m sad Kie” She whimpers, shutting her eyes and taking a calming breath. “I miss him, and I don’t want to” she whispers, her voice cracking. I bend down next to her, placing my hand gently on her knee.  
“I know, and I’m so sorry” I apologize, she nods, hanging her head. “Do you think maybe you should talk to him?” I ask, she licks her lips and tilts her head up towards the ceiling.  
“I’m scared” She whispers, and I can hear the hesitation in her voice.  
“He loves you, and don’t you think knowing for sure is better than always wondering?” I ask her, she lets out a bitter laugh.  
“I’m angry, I hate him Kie, it’s like a burning feeling inside of me but.” She sighs “But I miss him so much, I miss waking up next to him, and I miss the way he’d always make sure I had water on my bedside table because I’d wake up in the middle of the night thirsty.” She countered, her voice wobbly.  
“Talk to him Dee” I insist, she shakes her head and covers her eyes with the palm of her hand. “Stay here I’ll be right back,” I tell her, she nods, keeping her eyes downcast. I grab my cell and head to the back lounge room away from my office. John B picks up on the second ring.  
“I need you to come down, it’s Dee” I rush out, my words blending together.  
“Is she okay?” He asks concerned  
“Just hurry okay” I exclaim before hanging up. They just need a push, and Dee pushed me when I needed it so I’m returning the favor. I wait for John B outside, the heat soaking into my skin. His eyes are wide and panicked when he runs towards me after hopping out of his car.  
“She’s okay, you just need to talk to her” I explain, leading him to the office.  
“She doesn’t want to talk to me Kie” He freezes. He runs his fingers through his hair roughly, before placing his hands on his hips.  
“Don’t give me that shit John B okay you need to fight for her and nows the time” I shove him towards the door, he stumbles.  
“Kie” He turns, and the panic is back in his eyes.  
“Do you love her?” I ask  
“Yes” He nods  
“Then go in” I urge, crossing my arms across my chest. I wait outside in the hallway, trying to eavesdrop, but they’re too quiet so it's muffled.  
“Kie?” Danny calls me, I turn, and push away from the wall. “Sorry to interrupt, there’s a delivery and they need you to sign” He explains pointing behind him.  
“Of course” I look back at the door before I let Danny lead me back to the front. “Hey Devon” I smile at our regular delivery guy, he grins handing me the clipboard. I look over the receipt before sighing at the bottom and handing the clipboard back to Devon.  
“Same time next week” he winks, dropping the box next to the counter, I smile and nod. I’m about to go back to the hall when John B rushes past me.  
“Hey” I call, a couple of customers turning towards us.  
“I’ll see you tonight” he turns back quickly before rushing back to his car. I stare off at him, confused. They hadn’t talked that long, and his blank stare didn't give me anything. I head back to the office, and Dee is standing and fixing her hair in the small mirror.  
“What happened?” I ask shutting the door, she wipes under her eyes before she turns to face me.  
“Nothing, he got a call from Sarah about Sam so he had to leave” She explains quietly, her face stone cold. Then she pushes past me and heads back to work. I stare jaw dropped after her, nothing happened!  
“What the fuck” I text John B before I plop down into my chair, exhausted.  
…  
“You walked out” I slam the door behind me, and John B jumps slightly, clearly startled.  
“I had to” he responds simply  
“Why? What did Sarah need?” I ask, moving towards the kitchen counter. He looks sheepish, and then he quickly averts his eyes. “John B” I urge, my tone hard.  
“She needed to go over what his pediatrician said” He explains, and I stare at him confused.  
“That couldn’t have waited?”  
“Well she sounded urgent, and I freaked out” He tries to explain, but it comes out flat. He runs his hand through his hair and looks down at the counter.  
“Okay, well you should go finish the conversation now” I point out, sitting down.  
“I can’t” He mumbles and my eyes widen.  
“Excuse me? Why not?” I huff  
“Because it’ll always be like this, they have to come first” he shrugs.  
“Sarah has to come first?” I ask, he sighs, his cheeks flushing.  
“She’s his mother, what am I suppose to do?” He sounds broken, and I don’t know what to say anymore.  
“Okay” I nod standing, he looks at me confused  
“Okay?” He mutters, I nod  
“You’ve made up your mind John B and I can’t force you to do something you clearly don't want to do” I shrug, pulling my bag higher onto my shoulder.  
“Kie, you don’t understand” He protests.  
“It’s fine, honestly I’m glad you finally made a decision,” I tell him, he looks at me shock evident on his face. “I'll see you later” I smile, he seems to be stuck in shock.  
…  
Dee’s on the couch when I get home, her cheeks stained with tears. She looks away from the TV towards me, and I notice her cheek is stained with paint.  
“You have some paint on your cheek” I comment, shutting the door behind me.  
“Ya,” she turns back to the TV. I shove off my shoes and plop down next to her. She’s watching an old black and white movie that I’ve never seen before.  
“I didn't know you liked black and white movies” I quip, she places the popcorn between us.  
“I don’t” She mutters quietly. I grab a handful of popcorn and melt further into the couch.  
“I’m sorry,” I say  
“I know, me too” She responded. She leans her head on my shoulder, and it’s like I can feel her heart break. “At least I know, you were right, it’s better than not knowing” She adds, and I swallow the lump in my throat. I shift closer to her, as she lets out a very quiet sob.  
“I’m still here,” I tell her, even though I’m not sure that’s enough right now.  
“Thank you” her voice is wobbly. She turns back to the TV, shoving her hand in the popcorn bowl, and shoving the handful into her mouth. “Stupid romance” She spits, making me chuckle lightly.  
“Fuck black and white movies,” I say, she nods, but we don’t move to change it. Our eyes follow along aimlessly, watching the romantic movie unfold in its usual cliché.


	22. Give Me Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!! 😊

“No you definitely need new chairs” I mumble mouth full, JJ chuckles as he flips the page of the office catalogue.   
“Ya, it does kind of hurt my back” He agrees, and I point to a nice swivel chair. “How do you learn about lumbar support?” He asks, and this time I let out a loud laugh   
“You’re so cute” I place my hand on his shoulder and lean forward to place a small peck on his cheek.   
“I’m serious, I’m getting old” He muses with a small pout, I tilt my head at him and he laughs, leaning in to kiss my lips softly.   
“So get the chair, it’s rated pretty well,” I tell him, pushing away the remains of my salad, so I can pull the catalogue towards me. “Ya the reviews on it are good” I nod. I turn to JJ who’s taking a big bite of his burger. We’re at his office having lunch, which is new, but I actually really love it. I grab a couple of his fries, hating myself for having not ordered any.   
“I told you to get some” He says, his mouth full.   
“Ya ya, but then I can’t steal them from you” I wink, and he smiles. I hear the bell ring out and JJ looks down at his watch confused.   
“He’s suppose to be off today” he turns to me, just as John B walks into the office. I turn away from him, and back at the catalogue. Things were weird right now, I was mad at him because of Dee. I just know how much he loves her, but he’s not willing to set boundaries with Sarah.   
“Hey” He says awkwardly   
“I thought you were off today” JJ comments, sounding confused.   
“I came in to get that paperwork I haven’t finished, I can get it done at home’ He explains  
“Oh, okay well since you’re here do you need a new chair, Kie was just convincing me to get a new one because these suck” JJ laughs, leaning back in his shitty chair. I turn, and hand John B the catalogue so he can see the chair for himself.   
“Swivel chairs, nice” He nods, JJ chuckles. JJ’s eyes catch mine and he gives me that talk to him look, but I shake my head and he sighs.   
“I actually have to get back to work” I stand, and grab my bag, JJ nods running his fingers through his already mused hair. I bend and place a gentle kiss on his lips, he leans forward and deepens it slightly making me smile.   
“I’ll see you after work” He breaks away, I nod placing the strap of my bag higher on my shoulder. John B nods, as I turn to leave, I nod back. I hear JJ’s muffled voice as I shut the door, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. I’m about to open the front door when John B calls my name, so I turn towards him.   
“You can’t hate me forever” He muses gently, his cheeks pink   
“I don’t hate you” I reply and he sighs loudly.   
“I know you’re angry, but it’s complicated and you’re supposed to support me you know being my friend” He huffs indignantly.   
“I will always support you, I love you John B, but I just think you’re making a stupid mistake one that you can fix,” I exclaim, and his eyes harden.   
“It’s not just us three anymore, I have sam to worry about and…” He freezes, and I know he’s too confused to finishes the sentence.   
“Sam wants you to be happy, he told me so himself. I think you’re just complicating it because it’s easier than having to figure your shit out.”   
“Kie, I was there for you when things weren’t great with JJ” His voice is hard but wobbly.   
“And I love you for that, and I’m here too, I’m here to push you like you pushed me. I know you’re scared that you’ll fuck up but you should give yourself more credit” I step towards him so I can pull him into a hug. “I love you, just stop being so stupid” I whisper before I pull away from him. He looks annoyed but I can see the small smile on his lips.   
…  
I’m helping Jess with the register when I see Sarah, and Sam making their way towards me. I pause mid-sentence, Jess stares at me confused.   
“Damian can you take over” I ask, he nods and I give him a thankful smile. I move to the end of the counter where Sarah and Sam are.   
“Hey” I smile widely at Sam, who gives me a toothy grin.   
“Did you guys come for lunch?” I ask Sarah, she shakes her head.   
“I actually was wondering if you could watch him for like an hour, I know it’s last-minute it’s just” Her voice drops lower into a whisper “John B said he needed to talk alone and my parents are out of town and I trust you with him”  
“Oh, okay, ya of course” I nod, and her features morph into relief.   
“Thank you” She smiles, I nod.   
She bends down to talk to Sam “Sammy listen okay, you’re gonna stay with Aunty Kie for a bit because mommy needs to go do something”  
“Okay” He smiles at her, she pulls him into a hug before she stands.   
“I’ll pick him up in an hour okay” she smiles at me, I nod and take Sam’s outstretched hand. Sam and I watch her rush out, her anxiety bouncing off her.   
“You hungry?” I lift him onto my hip. He has chocolate on his lip, so I assume he’s already had something.   
“No, just sleepy” He yawns, laying his head on my shoulder, I melt.   
“I’ll be in the back if you need anything” I tell Damian, he looks at Sam’s sleepy face, and he nods. I bring Sam back to my office, as he starts dozing off. I lay him down on my couch, grabbing the crappy throw blanket to cover him. He lets out a soft sigh, and it makes me smile.   
“You gonna sleep with me Aunty Kie?” He asks, his eyes moving to meet mine. I reach out to push some hair from his face, he nuzzles into my touch.   
“Aunty Kie needs to get some work done, but I’ll be right here” I coo, he nods slowly. I wait till his eyes close, and his mouth hangs open, before I move over to my desk. A solid hour passes before I hear someone knock gently on my door. I look over at Sam to see if it woke him, but he’s still sound asleep.   
“Sorry to interrupt” Dee smiles as I open the door, I stare at her surprised.   
“You have today off” I muse, she nods and pushes into the room.   
“I know, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m gonna go visit my aunt and uncle” Her eyes move around the room, landing on a sleeping Sam. Her smile drops, and I feel guilt seep inside of me.   
“I’m watching him for an hour” I mumble, she takes a step closer to him, and I feel my heart twist at the sight.   
“He’s adorable” She smiles  
“Ya, he’s awesome” I agree. She quickly turns back to face me, and I see her glossy eyes. “I’m sorry” I blurt.   
“Don’t be, he’s lucky to have you” She smiles widely “Plus it’s not his fault” She laughs bitterly, I nod in response.   
“You were saying something about visiting your aunt and uncle” I quickly change the subject. Her eyes widen and she nods enthusiastically.   
“Ya I miss them and I need to get away for a bit, so I was wondering if I could take my vacation days” She sits down on the chair across from my desk.   
“Of course, you can have extra if you want” I laugh sitting down, she smiles. “Where are you going?” I ask   
“Providence”   
“You excited?” I ask as I pull out the vacation forms for her to sign.   
“I think it’ll be good for a bit” She remarks, I nod.   
“Where’s Providence?” Sam speaks up from behind us. Dee turns quickly to meet his gaze.   
“It’s in Rhode Island” She replies, he wipes his sleepy eyes and nods.   
“I’m Sam?” He steps towards her, she nods   
“I think we’ve met once before” She muses gently, he inspects her face before he nods vigorously.   
“Yes when I met Dad” He grins, she nods in response. “Are you my dad’s girlfriend?” He asks her, and I feel the tension in the room build.   
“No, we’re just friends bud” She responds   
“Oh, how come I see pictures of you in dad’s house then?” He looks at her curiously.  
“Dad has pictures of me too” I interject, he turns to me.   
“Ya but I saw them kiss” He whispers kiss like it’s a bad word, it makes me smile lightly.   
“Well me and your dad use to be.. ya we use to kiss but now we’re just friends” She tries to explain, he nods along.   
“You’re pretty like aunty Kie” he grins goofily at her, she chuckles.   
“Thank you, and you’re very handsome” She points out, he blushes bright pink. He rushes over to me, climbing into my lap, Dee follows his movements with a soft smile.   
“Whatchya doing?” He looks up at me  
“Dee’s going to providence so she just needs to sign some papers” I explain, pushing the papers over to her, she looks to intrigued by sam to notice.   
“Dee?” He looks at her, she nods “Dad’s mentions a Dee, so you are friends” He exclaims excitedly, her smile falls. Then there’s a knock at the door again.   
“Come in” I call, as Sam picks up my paperweight stone to inspect it. Sarah walks in, and Immediately notice the red rimming her eyes. She smiles but her gaze moves to Dee, and both of them freeze.   
“Mommy, look at aunty Kie’s stone” Sam bursts out his tone filled with glee.   
“Ya, it’s gorgeous buddy” Sarah looks away from Dee, her gaze back on Sam. “You ready to go?” She asks, a wide smile splitting her face in half. Sam nods placing my paperweight down gently. Sam turns and hugs me tightly, he makes me smile despite the awkwardness in the room. He jumps off my lap and moves over to Dee, who’s staring at her paperwork.   
“Great meeting you Dee” He grins, she turns to him with a smile.   
“You too” She nods down at him, he spreads his arms, an invitation for a hug. Dee’s lip wobbles slightly, but she quickly envelopes him in a hug. I turn to Sarah, and I notice her eyes have become glossy. I wonder what happened with John B, what did he need to tell her so urgently?   
“Bye” Sam waves as he takes Sarah’s hand.   
“Thanks again for watching him,” Sarah tells me, her tone soft.   
“Anytime” I watch her lift Sam and move out of the office.   
“You okay?” I ask her once they leave, she lifts the pen and starts signing the paper wordlessly.   
“I defiantly need to get away” She laughs, but it sounds watery.   
“Vacation bitch” I cheer, and she nods enthusiastically.   
“I’m leaving tonight” She stands, I stare at her confused.   
“That quick?”   
“Ya, but it’ll be back in two weeks” I stand to pull her into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything” She whispers.   
“Don’t thank me, you did the same for me” I squeeze her “Have a safe trip okay, and send me lots of pictures,” I demand as we break apart.   
“I’ll be drunk all day, but I’ll try” She laughs, I grin.   
“Love you” I state, she gives me her signature heart-eyes.   
“Love you too” she winks walking out of the office.   
…  
John B group texted us all, to meet at the chateau. Sarah had Sam tonight, so I’m assuming he wants a fun night. I pull in at the same time as JJ.   
“You stalking me?” I hop out of my car, a wide smile on my face.   
“Is it that obvious?” He fakes concern   
“I mean… I can’t blame you though I’m pretty stalking worthy” I drape my arms over his shoulder, letting out a small sigh, he chuckles.   
“That you are” he agrees before he pulls me into a heated kiss. I run my fingers up the nape of his neck, relishing in the soft hum he lets out. “You keep doing that and we’ll have to skip tonight” He comments against my lips. I feel heat curl inside of me at the thought of rushing back home.   
“Don’t tempt me Maybank” I purr, and he groans pulling me in again. He pulls away suddenly, I let out a small huff of annoyance.   
“By the way, I stopped at that hemp place you like, you know where everything is recycled and got you a new pillow” He explains “Well both of us new pillows” He laughs, and I feel my heart twist tightly.   
“You bought me a new pillow?” I ask gently, his hands drop to my hips.   
“Ya, I know that one you have has been hurting your neck and I assumed you’d want it to be eco-friendly or whatever” He clarifies “Also you have to explain all that to me because hemp clothing confuses me” He laughs, and I pull him into a soft kiss. He’s surprised, but quickly reciprocates eagerly. I pull him even closer, running my hands roughly through his thick hair.   
“All that for a pillow” He laughs as we break apart.   
“I love you” I look up at him, his eyes soften immediately. “I love you” He responds, and I smile.   
“Also they don’t use the actual weed it’s made from the stalk of the plant, but ya it’s confusing” I try to explain, he nods. I take his hand and pull him along to the back of the chateau.   
“Finally, John B’s been pacing for like twenty minutes” Pope rushes towards us with a worried look.   
“What, I thought we were just hanging out” I respond, he shrugs. I turn towards John B, who seems to be talking to himself.   
“Hey, what’s up?” I step towards him, pulling JJ with me. He turns to me with wide frantic eyes, before he pulls me into a very tight hug.   
“Thank you” he announces  
“For what?” I ask pulling away.   
“For getting my head out of my ass” He laughs, his eyes bright, I just stare. “I love Dee, I know that we’re meant to be together” He adds, and I feel my heart skip excitedly.   
“About time idiot” I shove him gently, he nods smiling.   
“I talked to Sarah today” He tells me  
“Ya she brought Sam by work, she told me you wanted to talk” I admit  
“I had to tell her that even though I love Sam and I always will it doesn’t mean I love her like that anymore. I explained that Dee needed to come first, that I needed to fight for her because she’s the woman I love” His words are rushed and happy, it makes me smile. “I told her that I’d always be there for Sam but I can’t put her first anymore”   
“I’m so proud of you” I give his hand a gentle squeeze of support.   
“After you told me off I realized that I was using Sam as an excuse because I was scared that Sarah might take him away if she got mad at me or if I chose Dee, but Sam’s mine, and I’ll fight for him every day but Dee she’s also mine and I need to fight for her too. I know she deserves so much better and it surprises me every day that she wants to be with me, and that even through all the shit I’ve done she’s stayed, she’s always stayed and no one has ever done that for me. so I need her, she’s it for me forever and I need to be better for her.” He exclaims, and I smile happily at him.   
“She’s the one man” JJ steps up, John B’s eyes start to water. “We’ve all known that since the day you met her” He adds with a wide smile.   
“I love her, and I’ve been trying to call her but she’s not picking up, and Kie please I need you to help me convince her” He begs  
“She left today” I blurt, his smile falls. “She went to Providence to visit her aunt and uncle” I explain “She’s probably on a plane right now”   
“Fuck, I’m too late” He yells, running his hands through his hair roughly.   
“No, you can keep calling” I offer lamely, he sighs   
“I waited too long, why the fuck did I wait so long!” He groans more to himself.   
“It’s okay” I reach for him, but he shakes his head.   
“I can’t live without her Kie, and because I’m such a jackass I might have to” he bellows loudly.   
“Go to Providence” JJ blurts and we all turn to him   
“I can’t just go to providence” John B remarks, but I can see the hope back in his eyes.   
“Yes you can, you have to fight for her, and that means getting on a fucking plane to Providence” JJ states  
“He’s right, if you love her as much as we all know you do then you have to go” Pope steps up, his tone strong.   
“Kie” He turns to me, his eyes wide.   
“I know she loves you, and you fucking hurt her a lot, but I know you can make it up to her, so you should definitely go to providence to win her back” I cheer excitedly, he chuckles his smile widening.   
“Shit I have to tell Sarah, that I’ll be out of town, and I need a ticket” he starts towards the house, all of us follow.   
“Already booked you on the next ferry and then your flights out from there, I’ll email you the itinerary but the ferries in an hour so” Pope muses from the back of the line.   
“Shit that was quick, thanks man I seriously couldn’t have done that” John B says as her swings open the screen door.   
“Pack and call Sarah okay” I instruct, he nods and we all follow him to the room.   
“What about work, we have that new client coming tomorrow,” John B asks JJ, his eyes wide with worry.   
“I got it covered, they like me better anyway” He winks, and I smile. John B starts piling random pieces of clothing into a small duffel bag, I can see the nervousness that’s buzzing through him. “Hey” I call, he turns to face me. “You got this, just don’t take no for an answer and prove to her that you love her” I state simply.   
“Wait I don’t think I remember her aunts address” He falters  
“I’ll text her and make up some excuse to get it, keep packing and call Sarah” I push him towards his duffel, he nods quickly.  
“Who’s driving him?” I turn to the boys   
“I can” Pope volunteers   
“You sure Ellie won’t mind?” I ask   
“No, she’s out shopping with some friends so she’ll be out late” He smiles, I nod.   
“Hey, ya no it’s nothing serious I just wanted you to know that I’ll be out of town for a couple days” I turn to face John B. He’s zipping his duffle bag, his phone balanced against his shoulder and ear. “I’m going to providence” He says after a beat. He shuts his eyes tightly relating a small breath. “Yes Sarah, I’ll text you when I know… no I think I’ll be back before then”   
“You think she’s mad?” Pope whispers   
“She looked upset when I saw her earlier,” I tell them   
“What was she expecting?” JJ asks, his tone hard   
“Well maybe she thought he’d take her back” Pope shrugs  
“Ya, I think we were all a little worried” I mumble, both of them nod in agreement.   
“Okay bye, tell Sam I love him” He says just before he hangs the phone up with a small groan.   
“Everything okay?” JJ asks   
“She’s upset, just classic Sarah Cameron” He rolls his eyes   
“I’m proud of you man” JJ claps him on the shoulder a grin on his face.   
“Shut up” John B brushes him off, but I can see the amusement in his eyes. “I’m serious, you’ve grown” JJ adds, and Pope laughs.  
“Okay we should start heading to the ferry,” Pope says, panic on his face. He’s always been a freak about time management. I pull John B into a short hug, squeezing him tightly.   
“Don’t come back without her” I tell him, he nods. JJ and him hug quickly, and then we walk Pope and John B to the car.   
“I can’t believe he finally chose her” JJ says once they drive down the road. “It was only a matter of time” I smile, he nods.   
“I hope she hears him out” JJ muses gently, a far off look on his face.   
“She loves him, she’ll hear him out” I respond, and his eyes move to meet mine.   
“I’m sorry” He blurts, and I raise an eyebrow confused “I’m sorry you felt broken over me, I shouldn’t have taken so long to get my shit together. I wanted to go with you after graduation I really did and telling you I didn’t feel the same was the hardest thing I’ve ever done” His voice is low and hoarse   
“I know” I smile   
“I’m still sorry,” He says   
“Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and look at us now” I take his face in my hands and place a small peck to his lips.   
“Look at us now” he repeats, and I nod.   
“Come on let’s go home, I’m exhausted” I smile, his face drops and I feel my stomach twist tightly with nerves.   
“Home?” He asks, I nod, and he pulls me into a dizzying kiss.   
…  
JJ lets out a small soft snore that echoes around the dark, quiet room. He just fell asleep, I’m planning on waking him up before he goes to work for a morning quickie, so I’m letting him sleep now. I smile to myself and nuzzle further into his side. He was warm and soft, and he always made it so easy to fall asleep. For the first time in a long time, I felt at home, and it isn’t these four walls, it’s him. He’s always been my home, even when we were just kids playing spy. He was always there, and we were just waiting out the clock. For out timing to finally be right. Now It’s like everything I’ve ever felt is reassured, that he is my forever. I nuzzle my neck into the crook of his, breathing in his familiar scent. An image of a mini JJ running around pops into my head, and it makes a bright smile morph onto my face. One day we’d have that too, and the rough being would seem so far away. Every painful memory would be another word written in our story together. I know he’d make a great father, he’d be everything he needed growing up, everything Luke wasn’t. He'd definitely be the fun one, only getting mad when they got hurt. I’d be the worrier, but that’s why we worked, we balanced each other out. I see how he is with Sam and it makes this warm fuzzy feeling float through me, it’s like I’ve never seen a man with a baby before. I get all giddy and flushed, it’d be embarrassing if he wasn’t my boyfriend. Maybe this was called baby fever, did I have baby fever? I tilt my head up so I can move my eyes over his sleeping face. Heat bloomed low in my belly, spreading through me like a wildfire.   
“JJ” I whisper, my voice hoarse. Fuck a morning quickie, I needed him now. “Baby I gently push his arm, and his snoring stops.   
“Kie?” He asks, his voice is still sleeping and deep, it only makes the heat spread faster. I hook my leg around his waist and hoist myself up so that I’m straddling his lap. “Kie” His voice is more awake now, and I can hear the lust in it.   
“I’m sorry I woke you, baby, I just needed you” I whisper, my lips hovering above his.   
“Fuck Kie” He moans, and I shiver at how wrecked he sounds. I capture his lips with mine, showing him how much I needed him. His hands move up to the base of my neck, pulling me further into him. I feel one of his hands sneak under my sleep shirt, it makes goosebumps break out onto my skin. I break away from the kiss, sitting up straight. The moonlight is eliminating his face, so I can see how dark his eyes have become, it makes me smirk down at him. I pull off my shirt, and I instantly feel his rough calloused hands on my skin.   
“You’re so fucking beautiful” He states, and I feel my cheeks flush at the compliment. Run my hands up his chest, thankful that he sleeps shirtless. I grind down into him, and he lets out a delicious hiss.   
“I love you JJ” I grin down at him, his smile falters slightly, and I pause my movements on top of him.   
“God I love you Kiara Carrera” He responds, his tone intense. I feel my stomach flutter and my heart pound. He leans up and I meet him halfway crashing our lips together.


	23. Have Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty steamy! enjoy

I wake up to the sound of heavy breathing, like a rattling noise. At first, I think it’s just my sleepy haze, the sun is only just starting to rise so I start drifting back to sleep. Then I hear the small gasp for air echo through the quiet room. I crane my neck to look at JJ. He’s laying beside me, and I notice his body is stiff and covered in sweat. He lets out a loud groan, it sounds like he’s in pain, and his eyes are shut tightly. I turn over now, and place my hand gently on his arm, trying to shake him a little, but he doesn’t move. His lip curls back into a grimace, and his eyes shut tighter, like he’s cowering away. His hands are balled into fists, and I notice he’s shivering, it makes panic soar through me. I shake him again, hoping to wake him, but he shakes his head vigorously in response. He flinches and one of his arms come up to cover his face, while his muscles contract.   
“JJ” I call, my worry growing. I didn’t know what to do, I just know I have to wake him.  
“Stop” he whimpers “Stop” I sit up, trying to shake him awake. Then a loud guttural scream escapes his lips. It makes my blood run cold, and I feel my eyes moisten. He starts writhing around, a low cry filling the room. I take his face in my hands, trying to get him to stop, but he pulls away, his breathing becoming even more rapid.   
“You’re okay, you’re okay” I take his face again, this time pulling him into my chest. He fights it, his cries becoming louder and more soul-shattering. Then he suddenly goes still, and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. “J, can you hear me” I crane his face to meet mine, and I notice his eyelashes start to flutter, as his eyes open slowly.   
“Kie” His voice is hoarse and low.   
“Yes I’m here” I assure, running my thumb along his jaw, he blinks the sleep from his eyes and I notice the wetness in them. He slips out of my hands and sits up, a confused look on his face.   
“What happened?” His voice is hard as he stares straight ahead.   
“I think you were having a nightmare” I shift closer to him. He takes a steadying breathe, as he shuts his eyes tightly, his knuckles turning white. “Hey, it’s okay” I pull him towards me, placing his head on my chest. He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel his body shake, and he wraps his arms around my middle pulling me in tighter. I run my fingers through his hair, and hold him against me tightly. “You’re okay” I whisper against his hair, placing a gentle kiss to the crown of his head.   
“I can’t ever get away from him” His words are muffled, but I can still hear the pain in them. I pull him away from my chest and lift his face to meet mine.   
“I love you,” I tell him, my voice strong and clear. His eyes are glossy, and I can see the tear stains on his cheeks, and it only makes my heart hurt more. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, what he’s put you through, but I know you’re stronger than him J, you always have been” He winces and drops his head, his shoulders shaking.   
“I just can’t shake him sometimes” He whimpers, and I feel my heart break in half. This beautiful man in front of me is broken and hurting and I need to show him how much he means to me.   
“You remember when we were thirteen and I got my period on John B’s white sheets” He looks up, his eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I know that’s why you spilled your drink on his sheets, and you started a fight with him to get him out of the room” I smile, feeling tears form in my eyes.   
“Kie” JJ starts, but I shake my head “You remember when Rafe kept hitting on me, and he was basically just being disgusting so you beat his ass. I pretended to be mad at you about it because I really found it sexy and sweet and I didn’t want you to know” I let out a watery laugh, he just stares at me with a soft look.   
“And you were the only one who helped me after my dad, I mean they tried but it was you, you fixed that wall I destroyed and you’ve told Dee to paint the mural of my dad” I’m smiling but I can feel the tears on my cheeks. “You are the only person who sees me J, and it’s the best gift anyone has ever given me. I mean I use to be so confused about who I was, but you just looked at me with those stupidly gorgeous eyes and it’s like I can see myself for the first time in my life. You gave me that despite whatever you were going through.” I hiccup. He sits up, his eyes wide as he cups my cheek.   
“Kie, it’s okay” He whispers, leaning his forehead against mine. “No I need to say this, I need you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to this world because you are so worthy JJ, of love and happiness, more than anyone I know,” I state, taking his face in my hands again.   
“I know” He nods, his eyes glossy.   
“I need you to know your dad was a liar, everything he ever said to you, or about you is a lie. You JJ Maybank are fucking breathtaking”   
“You mean it?” He sounds so small, and it twists my insides into knots.   
“Yes I fucking mean it, you’ve given me more than I could ever ask for” I smile, he shuts his eyes tightly, bowing his head slightly. “It’s okay to be sad or angry you don’t have to feel like you need to be strong for me because I know you’re strong baby” I instruct, moving one of my hands so that it cards gently through his hair.   
“I just don’t want him controlling me anymore Kie” He opens his eyes to meet mine.   
“So then you have to talk about it, get it out so that it can’t hurt you anymore… he can’t hurt you anymore” I move so that my lips hover above his. “I love you,” I say again, needing him to know. He closes the space between us, his lips firm against mine. I clutch the base of his neck and pull him closer. The kiss suddenly becomes sloppy and needy, all teeth and hands searching for bare skin. He pushes me down onto the mattress, his body hovering over me. I arch up into him, as his lips trail kisses along the column of my throat. We’re both already naked because of last night, so he trails his lips all over my chest. His lips latch onto one of my nipples, and my heart pounds loudly against my ribs. I arch further into him, softly exhaling his name. Then he’s capturing my lips again in a searing kiss, the kind that makes you dizzy.   
“Fuck, baby I need you” I mumble against his lips, he growls lowly, which only makes the fire low in my belly spread. Then he’s lining up with my entrance and entering me with a long thrust. I gasp loudly and quickly wrap my legs around his waist wanting to be closer. His thrusts are slow and deep, as he continues placing lazy kisses all over my chest and neck. I put my finger under his chin and slowly bring his face back to mine   
“Faster” my voice is raspy and low. His eyes darken, and he captures my lips with his, taking my breath away. His thrusts turn hard, and fast, making the pleasure inside of me build and grow, expanding over my limbs.   
“Let go baby” he whispers as he reaches between us, his fingers working on my bundle of nerves. Sex with JJ was so different from sex with anyone else, it wasn’t only better it was like we were the last two puzzle pieces fitting together. I arch up, as I feel myself burst, pleasure shooting through me, making it hard to see straight. I clutch his shoulders, my nails digging into his shoulder blades, leaving crescent-shaped marks. He follows, his body dropping onto mine, his head fitting into the crook of my neck. I run my hand up his back, and into his hair, he lets out a soft sated sigh. I start tracing patterns on his neck, loving the feeling of him still inside of me. He shifts and I let out a small moan.   
“Sorry” He muses, and he shifts about to pull out and fall beside me, but I clutch onto him, stopping him. His eyebrows knit together in confusion.   
“I like the feeling of you inside of me” I smile, tilting my head. His eyes darken slightly, and it makes me shiver.   
“Fuck Kie” He mumbles before he places a gentle kiss to my lips, which I reciprocate eagerly. “I love you”   
“Well, I hope so after what we just did” I giggle. He has this adorably dorky look on his face, that makes warmth spread through me.   
“It’s you Kie, it’s always been you” He pushes a stray curl behind my ear “You showed me what love really is Kiara Carrera, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted” He smiles a small happy smile, and I feel my stomach whoosh, and tighten. “Thank you for loving me and for letting me love you because I think it saved me”   
“JJ” I whisper, my voice cracking with emotion.   
“You’re the reason I kept trying to change and be better, it was so I could finally deserve you” He explains, and I feel tears drop down into my ears.   
“You always deserved me, idiot, duh you deserve the best things in life and that’s me” I let out a watery, happy laugh.   
“Hell ya, I got the best thing in the world” He grins happily, and It makes glee burst through me. He spins us suddenly, and I let out a small giggle. “How about another round, best thing?” He grins up at me, and I can feel him harden inside of me, which makes my body burn with desire.   
“I don’t know if you can handle it” I smirk down at him, and he lets out a low growl, pulling me into a feverish kiss.   
…  
I wake up to JJ peppering small kisses to my bare shoulder, it makes a wide smile spread across my face. I let out a small huff of air, keeping my eyes shut tightly. I feel him shift closer, his bulge pressing against my bum. Heat burned low in my stomach, spreading over me. His finger runs slowly down my side, tracing every curve. My heart quickens when he squeezes my hips his finger leaving a delicious pressure. He presses closer, and I can’t help the low moan that escapes my lips.   
“Morning” He whispers against my neck, his lips hot against me.   
“I thought you had to leave early today” I mumble, my eyes landing on the clock that reads 5:15.   
“Something distracted me” I can hear the smirk in his voice, it makes me tingle. I turn over, so that we’re face to face. His hair was mused wildly, probably from earlier that morning.   
“JJ Maybank distracted” I mock, with a grin on my face. He slowly pushes the curl that’s fallen into my face, his head tilted like he’s examining my face.   
“Only one thing distracts JJ Maybank” he responds, his voice early above a whisper. I feel my heart thud loudly, as heat spreads across me.   
“Pizza” I state, and he lets out the most gorgeous laugh. The kind that makes his nose crinkle and his eyes shut.   
“Well two things then” He chuckles, and I shove him lightly, which only makes him laugh harder. “You win over pizza any day” his voice drops, and his hand on my hip pulls me closer, so we’re now chest to chest.   
“Oh thank you” I mock annoyance, but I have a grin on my face, so It’s not very convincing. He captures my lips in a slow kiss, his hand on the back of my neck, keeping me steady. I run my hands down his toned chest, gripping him in my hand. He lets out a low hiss against my lips, that makes me smirk confidently. “I know something else that might distract you” I muse, he pulls back, his eyes intense. I run my hand up and down and watch his breathe quicken.   
“Fuck Kie” He groans, dropping his forehead against mine.   
“Ya, fuck Kie” I instruct, the pulsing inside of me all-consuming. He lifts my chin and secures my lips in a fervent kiss. His hand moves between us, and I feel his fingers move expertly over me, making my breath hitch. I bite down on his shoulder as a wave of pleasure explodes over me. “JJ” I cry out, my voice breathy.   
“Yes baby” He doesn’t still his motions, and it makes it hard to see straight. Then he’s using his free hand to pull my face to his. “Look at me” He instructs, and my eyes open quickly. His warm eyes stare down at me, making everything inside of me intensify. I reach up, digging my fingernails into his shoulders to keep myself from squirming so much.   
“I’m so close” I moan, and a small grin explodes across his face. He reaches up with his free hand and pushes the curls stuck to my face from the sweat on my forehead. The small actin sends a burst of warmth through me, and I feel myself let go, screaming out his name. My heart feels like it might explode out of my chest, and it’s hard to catch my breath but I’m still shaking with pleasure. He cups me gently, helping me ride out the aftershocks that rock my body. “Fuck JJ” I giggle, reaching up to caress his cheek softly. He smiles fondly down at me, and I feel my heart ache. I use all the energy I have left to lift myself to catch his lips in a bruising kiss. He moans, and it vibrates through me, sending a small wave of pleasure through me. “Your turn baby” I smile, and hook my still shaky leg around his hip so I can flip us over. I keep my hands flat on his chest, and rock slowly, leaning down to peck his lips.   
“Hey, if you’re tired we don’t have to” His voice sounds strained, as I grind down into him.   
“I want to” I peck his lips again, feeling the heat inside of me build once again. “Who needs sleep when you have this” I sit up, and move my hair to one shoulder, keeping my eyes on his.   
“How is it possible to want someone this much?” He asks, his tone serious.   
“We’re meant to be” I wink, and he lets out a small growl as his fingers dig into my hips. I’m about to adjust myself on top of him, when a loud ringing bursts through the quiet room, so I freeze.   
“Fuck I’m late for the meeting” He states, so I quickly scramble off of him so he can grab his phone. “Hey Berry, ya I’m so sorry yes I’ll be there in five minutes” He picks up, his words rushing together. “Okay thank you” He hangs up.   
“How late?” I ask   
“Fifteen minutes” He hops out of bed, quickly pulling on his pair of work khakis, that’s he hates.   
“Sorry” I muse, as he pulls on his shirt, feeling my cheeks flush. He turns to face me, his eyebrows knit together in confusion.   
“Never apologize for doing that” He leans in and kisses me. I smile against his lips. “Fuck that’s not helping” He breaks away, his eyes closed. My eyes drift and land on the noticeable bulge in the front of his pants.   
“Think of something gross” I laugh as he quickly grabs his phone and runs his fingers through his hair to tame it as much as possible. He turns back to me, a conflicted look on his face. “What?” I chuckle   
“I want to kiss you again” he explains, and I feel my cheeks burn. I get off the bed and make my way towards him, his eyes darken, as he looks me up and down. I pull him into a sloppy kiss, his hands move to my hips, pulling me flush against his chest. I push us apart, and we’re both breathing hard.   
“Go, before I make your business go under” I giggle, and nudge him out of the bedroom door.   
“I love you” he smiles   
“I love you” I wink and he smiles adorably, which doesn’t help. “Go” I instruct, and he nods turning to rush down the hallway. I jump back onto the bed with a sigh. I decided I needed at least another hour of sleep before I could go into work.   
…  
John B sends me a quick text when he lands, but no follow-up. I guess we’ll have to wait to see how it goes. I spin in my chair, sighing loudly. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything but JJ, it’s like I’m a horny teenager. We had sex all night, and still, I’m craving him. I quickly pull my hair up into a bun, as heat creeps over me. Someone knocks on my door, scaring me out of my JJ trance.   
“Come in” I croak, coughing slightly. Pope walks in, and I smile widely at him. “Hey”   
“Hey, sorry did I interrupt?” He asks, and I notice he has a hesitant look on his face.   
“No, come in” I urge, and he nods shutting the door behind himself.   
“So is this just you dropping by or do you have something to tell me?” I lean forward onto my elbows.   
“Truthfully I have a favor to ask you” He replies   
“Okay”   
“It’s about Ellie” He adds, and I nod “I was wondering if you could take her out, maybe go shopping or something. It’s just I want you to get to know her.” He sounds nervous, like I might say no.   
“Of course Pope, I was planning on it anyway” I reach for his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze, he lets out a small breathe.   
“I just feel so disconnected lately, I have her on one side and you guys on another” He explains, and I feel guilt bloom inside of me.   
“I’m sorry, I should have tried harder,” I say, and he shakes his head.   
“I know she can be.. you know” He smiles, I nod “but I just want you to get to know her”   
“Ya of course you do and I will try harder, and JJ will too” I promise, he chuckles.   
“You could always get JJ to do something he didn’t want to” He muses, I feel myself flush. I never knew I had that control over him, it makes a weird feeling float over me.   
“Ya, well” I laugh, and he nods.   
“So would you by any chance be able to go shopping now?” He asks, and I stare at him confused. “She’s out in the car waiting” He explains   
“Pope” I exclaim, he shrugs “You’re lucky I own the place”  
“Yes, I know” He stands and I sigh looking at the clock. I guess I could head home early today, I don’t think anyone would mind.   
“I’ll be out in five” I shoo him out of the office, he smiles widely   
“Love you” He calls, making me laugh, and nod in response.   
…  
I let Ellie pick the shopping place, since I didn’t plan on actually shopping and I’m sure she was. She went straight for the high-end shops, which here isn’t even up to her standards.   
“I can’t believe you guys don’t even have an outlet” She exclaims   
“We do have more shops, but you have to take the fairy” I explain, as she rummages through the racks. “Next time” I smile, she turns and nods a tight smile on her lips.   
“So how’s the restaurant?” She asks, her tone slightly dismissive but I don’t take it too personally.   
“Good, a lot better than before I took over so that’s a plus” I reply, she nods, pulling a white dress up to the light. She tilts her head, her eyes moving up and down vigorously.   
“What do you think?” She asks, putting it up to her body for comparison.   
“It’s cute” I nod, even though I wonder how anyone could possible breathe in it. “Suits you” I add, and a small but real smile grows on her face.   
“How’s business for you?” I ask, absently running my fingers over the cold hangers.   
“Good, I guess soon I won’t be doing much you know woman of the house especially if we have kids” She shrugs “but I do love planning parties so I’m sure I’ll throw a lot” She giggles melodically.   
“You guys are planning on starting a family soon?” I ask, hopefully not sounding too panicked. She lifts a scarf, her fingers moving over the fabric.   
“I’m not sure, I mean dad thinks we should, but a baby is such a big deal” She looks at me with wide eyes, I nod in agreement.   
“Ya, you shouldn’t if you’re not ready” I agree.   
“I guess I want a proposal” She laughs, her cheeks pink. “You know that whole romantic dinner with candles everywhere and he gets down on one knee… isn’t that just so romantic” She basically moans, with a far-off look on her face. I can’t but think that that’s the most cliche thing I’ve ever heard. It seems like a hallmark movie more than real life.   
“So you’re in love with him?” I ask, feeling the need to ask, and see how she responded.   
“Yes I love Pope, he’s civilized and cultured plus he’s gorgeous” She responds, and I nod. The word civilized sticks inside my head, repeating on a loop. I wouldn’t say one of Pope’s best qualities is that he’s civilized? What is civilized anyway!“Was he always so smart?” She asks, her eyes moving back to the dress she was holding.   
“Ya, he came out of the womb with a book” I joke, she lets out a small huff of air that I assume is a laugh, but I can’t be sure.   
“He’s definitely the smartest guy I've ever dated, my ex was a complete baboon, you know the type really fit and good-looking but they have nothing going on inside” She explains. I cringe at the mention of her ex, which I now know she cheated on Pope with.  
“Good thing Pope had both then” I defend automatically, she nods but her eyes move over me almost suspiciously.   
“So how’s your love life, any men?” She asks  
“I’m dating JJ” I blush, the events from earlier replaying in my head.   
“Oh, I knew it!!” She squeals excitedly it makes me smile. “He’s gorgeous” She adds  
“Ya, he’s amazing” I agree  
“Is it new, I know last time I mentioned it you two weren’t dating” She puts the dress down and moves down to another rack.   
“Ya we were both kind of stupid” I laugh   
“I usually have a good sense about relationships so.. but I'm glad you two worked it out” She picks up a pink crop top, her eyes wide with excitement.   
“That will look really nice on you,” I tell her, she nods, and it makes me chuckle lowly to myself.   
…  
“He’s flying home?” I clarify. JJ nods before he takes a small sip of his beer. “Does that mean it didn’t work?” I ask, feeling defeated.   
“He wouldn’t say anything, just that he’d explain when he got here” Pope adds, his tone soft. I knew they both thought it was bad, I could tell by the way they’re looking at each other.   
“Maybe it didn’t go as bad as we think” I muse out loud, they both turn to face me, giving me their signature “Come on Kie” look. “Fuck” I groan taking a sip of my now warm beer. We were all sitting on JJ’s back porch, drinking lukewarm beers. I dropped Ellie off at home, she said she needed to get ready before she went out to meet some friends. Pope texted me after telling me to meet them at JJ’s. Now we're here, thinking of ways to help John B when he comes back brokenhearted.   
“We have to let him wallow for a bit” Pope insists, and I nod in agreement.   
“He can’t wallow, he’ll drown. It’s John B” JJ remarks, his tone hard.   
“He has to feel it J” I explain, and he gives me a soft look of understanding.   
“John B feeling too much is not a good thing, he needs to focus on his kid” JJ muses.   
“He’s going to be brokenhearted JJ” Pope states in an annoyed voice.   
“Yes I know Pope, but it’s John b remember after Sarah he wallowed and he went into a really deep hole” Pope huffs, but I can see his resolve melt.   
“Ya, you’re right” Pope nods.   
“We just need to help him focus on Sam, it’ll help having him around” JJ leans forward, his elbows on his thighs.   
“What do we do about Dee?” I ask slowly, feeling guilt burn inside of me. “She works with me and now lives I guess. Plus she was really there for me when..” I look at JJ, and he nods slowly understanding what I mean.   
“Maybe we just keep them apart for a while” Pope suggest  
“God I can’t believe she turned him down” I sigh, rubbing my hands over my tired eyes. “They’re meant for each other” I groan, as a feeling of nausea passes over me.   
“He fucked it up,” JJ says twisting his beer bottle around in his hand.   
“I mean would you get back with him?” Pope adds, and I feel my heart twist   
“She really loves him” I mumble in response   
“Sometimes that isn’t enough” Pope responds, his tone firm.   
“Pope” JJ urges gently, and He looks up to meet his gaze.   
“It’s nothing” Pope assures, but both of us can see the tension in his shoulders.   
“Is it about Ellie?” I ask, leaning over to place my hand on his, he sighs.   
“No…yes I don’t know’ he replies quickly   
“What’s going on man?” JJ asks his voice filled with concern.   
“Should I marry Ellie?” He blurts, his eyes darting between us. “I mean is she really the one?” He adds, sounding frantic.   
“Well… we can’t really answer that for you,” I tell him, he sighs and runs his hand over his stubble.   
“You guys hung out today what did you think?” He asks, and I lift my shoulders in a shrug. “Do you think we make a good pair, are we compatible?” He clarifies. Honestly, Ellie seemed nice I guess, but If I was being honest I couldn’t see how they fit. It was like she didn't know the real Pope.   
“Pope, what’s going on?” JJ interrupts, and I’m thankful.   
“Ellie’s dad is pressing me to propose and I don't know” He explains   
“Don’t propose if you’re not sure” I tell him quickly   
“Ya you can’t do that, it’s not fair to both of you” JJ adds.   
“Shouldn’t I know by now?” He asks, and I can hear the hesitation in his voice. Suddenly his frantic behavior from earlier makes so much sense. He's beyond confused.   
“It’s a pretty big thing, maybe you need more time” JJ offers.   
“Pope I’m going to ask you something and you have to answer honestly” I instruct, he turns to catch my gaze.   
“Okay”   
“Are you in love with Ellie?” I ask  
“I love her” He nods   
“Are you in love with her?” I ask again   
“What’s the difference?” He huffs   
“You can love someone as a person but that doesn’t mean you’re in love with them” I specify.   
“How do you know?”   
“You kind of just know, it’s that warm feeling you get when they walk into a room, or when their arm brushes yours” I describe, my mind immediately moving to JJ. “It’s doing something just because you know they love it, and you want to make them happy” his eyebrows knit together, and I know he doesn’t love Ellie that way.   
“Do you want to get married?” JJ steps in, I turn to look at him. His eyes are on Pope’s, he has that intense look on his face. “One day” Pope replies   
“Then Ellie’s not the one man, because if she was you wouldn’t be feeling like this about spending forever with her” He interprets, his eyes moving to meet mine. “You know when you want to spend forever with someone” I feel my heartbeat quicken, and a blush blooms on my cheeks. No matter how much time passes, JJ could always make me blush.   
“I’m not in love with her” Pope states. JJ and I turn to face him. “I did love her, but I don’t know something happened” He explains slowly “But I know it’s not like that with her” He points between us, and I feel myself flush again.   
“I’m sorry” I lean forward and pull him into a tight hug.   
“I screwed up” his voice is muffled by my hair.   
“You just have to tell her the truth” I pull away and give him a small cheerful smile.   
“She’s going to hate me” He quips   
“She’ll thank you in the long run man” JJ pats him roughly on the shoulder.   
“Sure” Pope glares, and it makes me let out a small chuckle, he turns his glare to me.   
“Sorry, sorry” I hold up my hands in mock surrender “It’s just life is so fucked up sometimes” I continue laughing. Pope and JJ stare at me with wide confused eyes but then they’re laughing too, and it’s amazing to know that we’ll always have each other no matter what happens or how much time passes.


	24. Windows To The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!!

“You and Dee are getting married!” My jaw dropped and I feel like I might have heard him wrong. There was no way he proposed to her, right? But John B nods a wide smile taking up his face.   
“Explain” I shove him gently, turning to JJ with wide eyes, but his eyes are glued to John B curiously.   
“Well when I got there she was furious, told me to leave, and that she knew now that we could never be together. She also said a bunch of other things that I definitely deserved” he looks wistful as he continues. “Then I pulled out the ring I’d gotten her before Sarah came back and told her she was my forever, that I wanted only her forever” A wide smile bursts onto my face“So she said yes?” Pope asks, his face doubtful. I could understand his confusion.   
“She told me I was a dick for pulling out the ring like that, but then we talked, like really talked. About everything and I told her everything, all the stupid fears I’d had and she listened because she’s a saint, that I really fucking don’t deserve.” His smile is so big it looks like it might split his face in half.   
“JB, you’re engaged” JJ gives him an affectionate shove.   
“Sort of, basically yes. When she gets back I want to properly propose make it all romantic and shit” He explains, running his fingers through his hair.   
“Romantic and shit” I nod, and he chuckles.   
“Wow, she really loves you” Pope states, leaning back into the couch, his eyes on the wall straight ahead.   
“Ya, but I love her too, I was just being stupid” John B explains, his voice tight with emotion.   
“Well, I need more details, like when is she coming back and just everything” I explain excitedly, he smiles at me.   
“She’s gonna stay and think about everything, make sure this is what she wants to do, without me there clouding her mind” He explains, I nod “It sounds so strange but I know I owe her space to think it through and hope she still wants to be with me but...I think she does want to marry me, otherwise she’d just say no right?” He looks at me, his eyes filled with worry.   
“She loves you JB she wouldn’t have given you the time of day if she didn’t,” I tell him, he nods in agreement.“I told her all about Sam, and she was happy for me, and it made me fall in love all over again” He quips, his eyes turning glossy.   
“You're so dopey” I shove him, and he shrugs. John B’s phone rings out loudly, and he rushes to answer it, his cheeks pink.   
“Dee” He answers standing, and running his fingers through his hair, again. “Ya, ya it was good” He smiles, his voice low and raspy. I turn to JJ, and he catches my gaze. He has a dopey smile on his face that makes my heart clench, so I lean in and press a soft kiss to his lips.   
“Our turn next” he whispers against my lips, I feel myself freeze. Did he just mention marriage?   
“Did JJ Maybank just mention marriage?” I ask my voice filled with surprise, as my heart beats loudly in my chest.   
“I’ve wanted to marry you since we were fourteen Kie” He replies, his eyes moving over me gently. I lean into him, and press a feather-light kiss to his shoulder, inhaling his fresh scent. He was thinking about our future, and it makes something inside of me melt, sending warmth over me.   
“Well then get all romantic and shit” I grin up at him, he lets out a small laugh, the kind that sounds more like a huff of air.   
“Maybe I will” He challenges, a smile on his face, but his eyes are serious. I let my eyes move over him, taking in his beautiful features.  
“Do it” I nod, and he lets out another airy laugh, draping his arm across my shoulders so he can pull me closer to his side. It felt like a promise, and it made a stupidly big smile pop onto my face.   
“Okay, call me tonight, tell me how it goes.” I overhear John B, who’s staring at the wall, his hand on his hip as he chuckles lightly at something Dee said back. “Love you” He muses gently, like he’s testing the waters. When he hangs up, he stares at the phone in his hand with an adorable smile on his face.   
“John B is getting married” I jump up excitedly, he turns his eyes on mine. I rush over to him and pull him into a tight hug, he spins us just as excited.   
“Bachelor party bro” JJ jumps up next, his eyes wide with excitement.   
“Nice” I glare, but he shrugs before joining the hug, his arms going around both of us.   
“Get in here Pope” JJ insists, craning his neck to look at him. Pope stands then, a small smile playing at his lips.   
“I have a party planner hook-up” Pope quips, and JJ bursts out laughing.   
“Pope” I scold as he moves over to join our group hug.   
“Kidding”   
“Ya” I smack his arm, he laughs. JJ who’s still chuckling pats him on the back.   
“Who would have thought you’d be the first Pogue married” Pope looks at John B, who blushes.   
“Ya I thought JJ would already have two divorces under his belt” I grin widely, JJ scoffs, his jaw dropped.   
“On to his third” John B agrees, making Pope laugh.   
“I matured okay, plus if you guys remember correctly I was never the settling down type” He winks, and suddenly an image of seventeen-year-old JJ flashes in my head. He’s still the same playful and loyal kid he’s always been but he’s grown so much since then.   
“I’d have thought you’d at least get someone pregnant” Pope comments, making me chuckle.   
“That was also me” John B points out, and JJ nods vigorously, his gaze catching mine.   
“Plus we all knew I was pining over Kie anyway” his words are teasing but soft. I felt my heart tug, as I burrowed deeper into his side. “Cool so everyone’s coupled up just as I decide to end things” Pope states, and I notice John b’s eyes go wide.   
“What?” He huffs, and Pope’s cheeks tint pink. So he launches into the story JJ and I heard the day before, while I turn my gaze back to JJ. His hair is wild today sticking up everywhere, although it was never really tame in the first place. He turns, his smile bright as John B makes a small joke at Pope’s expense. His eyes catch mine, and I notice his face soften, making my stomach turn to mush. I lean forward and he meets me halfway, his lips landing against mine in a warm kiss.   
…  
John B went to go pick Sam up, Pope trailing after him, going to talk to Ellie about his confused feelings. I hope he goes through with it, and doesn’t let her talk him into something he’s not ready for. Pope has the best heart of anyone I know, and I don’t want him feeling guilty enough to stay in something that just doesn’t make him happy. I shut the door after them, and move towards the kitchen, in desperate need of a cup of tea. I spot JJ in the breakfast nook, his laptop open, and his eyes focused. I notice he’s squinting at the laptop, and a thought pops into my head.   
“Do you maybe need glasses” I ask, he looks up, dropping the squint immediately.   
“No I have perfect vision” He mumbles defensively.   
“Why are you squinting then?” I ask while I fill the kettle.   
“I was just concentrating” He exclaims turning back to his laptop. I smile despite his hardheadedness. I put the kettle on the stove and move to sit down beside him. He drops one of his hands and it settles on my lower back, an easy pressure.   
“What are you working on?” I ask, looking over the screen confused.   
“New client list” he mumbles distractedly. I love seeing him like this, it makes a heat roll through me. I find my boyfriend extremely sexy, sue me.   
“Never knew paperwork could look so sexy” I smile, leaning my head on my palm. He tilts his head his eyes moving slowly to meet mine.   
“The paperwork or me?” He asks lowly, I lift my knees to my chest and shrug.  
“You know what would be even sexier?” I lean In closer, my voice coming out raspy and uneven. I can see the heat in his eyes, and it makes me grin. I reach up and run my hand down his cheek casually, keeping my eyes on his. He leans into my touch, a small huff escaping his closed lips. “If you wore glasses” I finally say, and he freezes, his eyebrows raised in question.   
“Kie” he groans leaning his head back against the booth. I feel a bubble of laughter move its way through me, as his face hardens and he gives me a grumpy look.   
“You play with me too much” He states as I stand to go grab the kettle.   
“I thought you like when I play with you,” I remark instantly, pouring the hot water into my favorite mug. I keep my eyes on my tea, but I can hear JJ shuffle out of the booth, his footsteps light as he moves towards me. He wraps his arms around me from behind, tugging me back against his hard chest. He places a gentle kiss on my neck, his breath hot against my skin, it makes my skin prickle.   
“I love when you play with me” he whispers against my ear. I let out a small giggle, my cheeks flaming. I crane my neck and lay a small kiss to the corner of his mouth, which is turned up in a grin.   
“You should probably get back to work” I smirk pushing past his embrace and moving towards the hallway. He lets out a small grunt, which makes me chuckle before I take a small sip of my green tea.   
…

“Hello” I call walking into the chateau. Sam runs forward, his small arms wrapping around my legs. I run my fingers through his blonde hair and smile down at him   
“Aunty Kie” He cheers and my heart tugs in my chest. I look up and See John B, Pope, and JJ staring at us with smiles.   
“Why don’t I get this welcome from you guys” I huff, bending down to pick Sam up, he wraps his arms around my neck and nuzzles into my neck. That’s when JJ runs up to us and wraps his arms around both my legs, squeezing tightly.   
“Aunty Kie” he mocks, making both Sam and I laugh quietly   
“Don’t call me aunty Kie perv” I shove him gently, and he loosens his grip.   
“Hey, I’m just giving you what you want” He stands and winks before he places a small kiss on my lips.   
“She’s my aunty Kie” Sam nudges him away from me, making me laugh loudly.   
“We can’t share?” JJ asks, his eyebrows raised in question.   
“You get her all the time, I only get her sometimes” Sam whines, and I pull the kid closer to me, pressing his head to my chest.   
“Can’t argue with that” JJ nods before he places a small kiss on Sam’s head.   
“I missed you to babes” I kiss Sam’s forehead, and he smiles up at me.   
“He’s been talking about you all day” John B adds.   
“Shh, dad” Sam waves him off. I move to the couch, keeping Sam firmly against my side.   
“What are we watching?” I ask as Sam maneuvers on my lap to find a comfy spot. “Thpiderman” Sam cheers, as John B hands him his sippy-cup that also has Spiderman all over it.   
“Old ones or new?” I direct the question to John B  
“New ones” He answers, sitting down on the love-seat. JJ sits down beside me, a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Sam sighs and lays down so his back is against my chest, his head just under my chin. There's a knock at the door, and we all turn.   
“Is that mommy?” Sam asks   
“I don’t think so” John B answers as Pope moves to answer the door. My jaw drops as Dee steps inside, her luggage trailing behind her. I turn to John B and he’s frozen in shock, just blinking up at her.   
“Hi” She waves, her cheeks pink. “I..” She looks over at me her eyes dropping to Sam on my lap.   
“What.. why are you here?” John B stands, his confusion morphing into a wide smile. She tucks her short hair behind her ear, but it falls back into her face.   
“I.. well I thought about it and I know what I want” She responds, John B steps closer to her slowly. “I want you too, I want to get married to you” She whispers, a smile spreading over her face.   
“You do?” He sounds relieved and she nods. Then he pulls her into a tight hug, and they’re both laughing and smiling.   
“Dad?” Sam calls, sounding confused, they break apart and turn to face us.   
“Ya, sorry bud, you remember Dee right?” He asks moving out of her embrace, towards Sam.   
“Your friend” Sam nods, handing me his sippy-cup. I stare down at Sam, confused at how he’s going to take the news.   
“Well yes, but she’s also..” He pauses, his hands moving to his hips in a very dad gesture. Dee looks between them, her eyes wide with worry.   
“We can wait,” She tells John B, her hand moving to touch his arm gently.   
“No, he should know,” John B tells her with a warm smile on his face, she nods. “You know how when I read you bedtimes story there’s always a prince and a princess?” John B tries to explain, I almost laugh because I’m sure Sam would understand if he said, girlfriend and boyfriend.   
“Ya,” Sam nods looking at Dee with a small smile.   
“Well it’s like that with Dee and I” He chuckles, Sam turns back to John B.   
“Don’t compare us to a prince and princess” Dee laughs, her cheeks pink, John B shrugs.   
“So she’s your girlfriend” Sam smiles, and John B laughs lightly. “Cool… do you like thpiderman?” He asks Dee, his eyebrows creased.   
“He’s my favorite actually” She peels off her coat   
“Me too” he squeals excitedly, she grins and sits down beside me.   
“You have to tell me everything” I whisper to her  
“I know, tonight when I pick up my stuff” She replies with a blush, I nod enthusiastically.   
“Dad put it on” Sam orders, jumping in my lap slightly. I feel JJ take my hand in his and squeeze It gently, I turn to face him. I lean In and peck his lips, he sighs contently making me flush.   
“Uncle J, look” Sam interrupts, jumping out of my lap into JJ’s, who grunts lowly.   
“Jeez man, I’m watching” He laughs, hugging him, Sam giggles. I smile at them, my heart flutters. JJ’s great with Sam and it always makes me think of our future, it sends warmth through me. I slide closer to JJ, sinking into his side, his arm falls around me, the other still holding Sam to his chest, who’s now engrossed with the start of the movie. John B moves to sit down beside Dee, while Pope takes his previous place on the love seat.   
“Should we take Sam to our place so Dee and JB can talk?” JJ whispers to me, his breath hot against my ear. I look up at him, and he stares down with a curious expression.   
“You're so cute” I coo before I pull him into a short kiss.   
“Guys PG,” John B remarks, his arm now around Dee, who’s smirking at us.   
“They’re just kissing Dad” Sam defends in a duh tone  
“Thank you Sam” JJ nuzzles him, Sam giggles again.   
“JJ was actually thinking if you’re okay with it Sam can sleepover at our place,” I tell John B, lending my head on JJ’s shoulder.   
“Yes,” Sam answers, his eyes wide and excited.   
“Are you guys sure?” John B eyes me, I nod. “Okay well if you want to Sam, that’s fine with me” he agrees with a smile.   
“I need to pack” Sam scrambles off JJ, and books it towards his room down the hall.   
“I’ll go help” John B laughs lightly following his son down the hall. I turn to Dee with a curious look on my face, she blushes and looks down at her lap.   
“Come on” I take her hand and pull her to the back porch, where the boys can’t hear us. “I tried texting you” I muse as we sit down on the steps.   
“I know, I didn’t respond because I knew I’d tell you I was coming and I wanted to surprise John B” She explains “Sorry”   
“No it’s okay, I just need details” I take her hand and squeeze it, she giggles.   
“Well at first I was really mad” She ducks her head, a look of hurt passing over her. “I felt like a last resort or something” I nod “Then he told me he’d gotten the ring months ago, and he told me that the reason he always fell back to Sarah was because it was easier.” She looks back up at me, her eyes glossy. “He said that if I left him he wouldn’t be able to survive it” She wipes under her eyes and my stomach clenches tightly. “I know.. I mean it makes me look pathetic going back to him… right?” Her voice wobbles.  
“No, I get it” I rub her knee, she sighs.   
“I think the main reason I was so apprehensive was because I didn’t want to look pathetic, I didn’t want to run back to him even after everything” She exclaims, I nod along. “But when he left to give me space I realized that I really fucking love him, like all of him. Every stupid thing he does makes me happy, and I just knew it would never be like that with anyone else” I couldn’t help but think of JJ. “He’s it for me and I don’t care if it’s pathetic because he’s the one”  
“Hey, he loves you just as much, I know It! I’ve always known it, even when he was fucking it up! He just got scared and hurt people hurt people” I tell her, she nods, dropping her head slightly. “I’m sorry he hurt you Dee”   
“I know, and really I want to get over it. Move on to better things, so I’m really glad you’re taking Sam tonight so we can talk it through and really decide what we’re going to do” She pulls me into a tight hug, her flowery perfume floating around me.   
“Ya well, it was actually JJ’s idea” I laugh, as she pulls away.   
“Well thank him for me” She wipes under her eyes. “I’m so happy you guys figured everything out, you’re quite literally perfect for each other” She expressed, it makes me blush.   
“Ya, and we have you to thank for that” I nudge her, and she grins happily.   
“What are friends for?” She lays her head on my shoulder. The back door creaks open, and we both turn in that direction.   
“Hey, sorry to interrupt, the movies starting and Sam needs you guys inside his words, not mine” JJ explains, his eyes darting between us. Dee stands first, wiping the back of her pants.   
“When I’m beckoned” She grins moving past JJ, but she pauses and turns to him “Thanks for taking Sam tonight” She puts her hand on his chest, and he smiles in response. We watch her walk in, the screen door shutting behind her.   
“Everything okay?” He asks, turning back to me, I stand too.   
“Ya, they’re gonna talk tonight, go over all their plans, probably have sex” I laugh, pushing some curls from my face.   
“She told you that?” He smirks, I wrap my arms loosely around his neck, smiling up at him.   
“I inferred it” I muse before pulling him down into a kiss. He circles my waist with his arms before pulling me flush against him.   
“You can’t kiss me like that in public Kie” He breathes against my lips, it makes my body flush with heat.   
“I can’t help it” I reply, my voice raspy. I run my hand up into his hair, before moving to cup his cheek gently. “You’re too sexy” I beam, and a smile grows on his face. He pulls me back into a deep kiss, lifting me off the ground. I giggle against his lips and quickly wrap my legs around him, his arms move to my thighs to hold me steady.   
“Guys” John B yells breaking us apart, both of us breathing hard.   
“We don’t want Sam coming out here” I laugh, dropping out of his grasp, he huffs. “Come on, I’ll make it up to you tonight” I wink, intertwining out fingers so I can drag him back into the chateau.   
“Sorry Uncle JJ had a spider on him” I smile at Sam when we get inside, Sam makes a grossed out face that makes me laugh quietly to myself.   
“You should have let it bite him aunty Kie” He quips as JJ and I plop down on the couch. He crawls over to me, plopping down between us. “He could be the next Thpiderman” He explains, and I widen my eyes dramatically, and he nods enthusiastically.   
…  
“You know if you’re going to be here more we’re gonna have to redecorate the room,” JJ tells Sam as he tucks him gently into Dee’s abandoned bed.   
“Ya, that’ll be so fun” Sam grins up at him, grabbing his stuffed pig and pulling it flush against his chest.   
“What colors were you thinking?” JJ asks him, leaning back on his palm with an incredibly soft smile.   
“Red of course” Sam giggles   
“Why didn’t I guess that”   
“Ya, you should have known Uncle JJ” Sam quips, making me smile. I was leaning against the doorframe watching the pair, my heart fluttered wildly in my chest.   
“I should have, aunt Kie would have” He looks back at me then his eyes playful.   
“Aunt kie knows everything, so..” I step into the room, and Sam giggles loudly.   
“Can we paint it red?” Sam asks, his eyes on me now.   
“Of course, we can even find Spiderman cutouts if you want” I lean down to place a soft kiss on his forehead.   
“That would be so amazing” He smiles warmly. I feel JJ’s hand on the back of my thigh, the pressure gentle. Sam lets out a loud yawn, his fist coming up to rub circles on his eyes.   
“Okay time for bed” JJ instructs, lifting the blankets higher on Sam. He leans forwards dropping a kiss on Sam’s forehead, the sight makes my stomach twist as affection swells through me. Seeing JJ be so open and affectionate makes my heart melt and my skin tingle. “Goodnight bud” JJ stands, his fingers moving to ruffle his hair, Sam reaches for his hand with a small giggle before placing a soft kiss to the back of JJ’s hand. It had to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I think JJ agrees because he freezes, his face falling into something unrecognizable.   
“My turn” I bend down to pepper kisses along Sam’s cheeks, making him giggle. I pull away and Sam smiles fondly at me with wide bright eyes. “If you need anything we’re just down the hall,” I tell him, pushing some hair from his face, he nods. He leans up and kisses my cheek, and I let out a small happy laugh.   
“Love you guys” Sam mumbles sleepily as I flick on a small nightlight we got on the way here.   
“We love you too” JJ smiles, that strange look still on his face. I take his hand and we make our way out of the room, shutting the door softly behind us. JJ moves down the hall quickly, moving to the kitchen, I follow behind. He fills a glass with water, his eyes glued to the faucet.   
“You could take him tomorrow while I’m at work” I muse gently, not wanting to prod too much. He looks up at me confused before the realization kicks in and he nods slowly.   
“Ya, but I don’t have a clue where to get those sideman sticker things,” He tells me before taking a small sip of his water. I move around the counter, sliding right next to him. He looks down at me, and I smile widely up at him.   
“We’ll probably have to order them online” I shrug, and his face softens again before he leans down to place a soft, quick kiss on my lips. “What was that for?” I giggle, touching his cheek lightly.   
“I love you” He answers, and my heart thumps loudly against my ribs.   
“I love you” I pull him down into another kiss, this one more intense. When we break apart, he leans his forehead against mine, inhaling a sharp breath.   
“What is it?” I ask quietly.   
“Sometimes it still… it still feels like I don’t deserve this” He responds so quietly it’s almost like he’s just breathing. The sentiment breaks my heart in half. I take his face in my hands, and he shuts his eyes tightly.   
“J” I urge, and he relaxed slightly into my touch. “I’m so sorry you feel like that baby” my voice wobbles slightly, and his eyes spring open, the guilt in them immense.   
“No, it’s okay it’s not your fault” he assures, the strength back again. He’s always so strong, like he couldn’t imagine making anyone feel any way but happy.   
“J” I shake my head, and he looks confused. “I love you so much, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you as long as I’m still breathing. So when I say I’m sorry I don’t want you to feel guilty for telling me something, I just want to acknowledge your pain because you’ve had so much of it in your life. You’re allowed to break every now and then it doesn’t mean your broken or weak.. okay” I clutch his face tighter, keeping his eyes on mine. “You are the furthest thing from broken or weak. You’re the strongest person I know you’re always so strong for me baby” my voice cracks and I notice his eyes have gone a bit glossy.   
“When you tell me you love me Kie it’s like this.. this pressure in my chest it makes everything feel possible, like I’m more than everything inside my head. And tonight when.. when Sam said it, it just brought back what my dad said to me” His voice cracks and I feel tears burn my eyes. “It just these random moments where I get so scared that I’ll be like him. I’m so terrified of it” he exclaims, his voice tight with emotion. He drops his head and a tear escapes down his cheek. I wipe it away quickly, and he shakes under my touch.   
“You are nothing like him that’s why I love you so much and that’s why Sam loves you because you’re the best uncle he could ask for. You should see the way he looks at you J, it’s the same way I look at you. Because we both know how amazing you are. You know that sometimes I look at you and I’m stunned at how incredible you turned out despite everything, and then I remember that I get you forever and it’s so hard to wrap my head around because it feels way too good to be true. It’s like a fucking dream J, you’re my fucking dream” I tell him, my heart racing. He’s crying and it’s the most heartbreaking thing I've seen, but it’s also the most beautiful. He’s so beautiful.   
“God, what did I do to deserve you” He pulls me into a deep kiss, I can taste his tears. I wrap my arms around his neck, as he lifts me onto the counter, his lips still on mine. My heart was racing but everything inside of me felt still like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. “You’re my dream to Kie, you’ve been my dream since we were kids” He breaks away, his words breathy and rushed. I pull his face back to mine, needing to be closer to him. His hands move under my shirt and I shiver as his calloused hands catch on my soft skin. Heat pooled inside of me as he let out a low growl against my lips when my legs wrapped around him pulling him closer. I let him pull my shift off, his lips moving across my chest leaving hot pinpricks in their wake.   
“Room” I breathe, before I pull his lips back to mine in a sloppy kiss. He lifts me and I tighten my hold around his neck, keeping his lips against mine. He pushes my back against the door as he and I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips. I help open the door, and he shuts it with his leg before moving us to the bed. He drops me gently on the mattress, a giggle escapes my lips, and his smile grows. I pull him back into me, quickly pulling off his shirt so I can feel his skin against mine. He makes quick work of my bra, throwing it somewhere behind him. Then his hands are moving skillfully over me, making me arch into his touch. His lips move to my neck as I work to undo his pants. He helps pull off my shorts and underwear leaving us both naked against each other. He pushes a curl from my face, his eyes moving slowly over my face.   
“You’re so beautiful” He whispers, his voice raspy. I reach up and run my fingers lightly through his hair, he sighs contently.   
“Show me” I lean up and place a kiss on the corner of his mouth, he shudders. I wrap my legs around him as he lines up, his eyes on mine the entire time. I gasp as he thrusts into me, my nails digging into his shoulder blades. He drops his head against my chest, his thrusts agonizingly slow and deep. “I love you” I pull his face to mine, and peck his lips gently, as a wave of pleasure rolls through me making me clench down and moon loudly.   
“I love you Kie” He responds, his voice just as wrecked as I feel.


End file.
